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completely un-complete |
July 14th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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completely washed up, completely beat down. i cant seem to find a balance. it seems as if i always lose when i didnt notice there even was a chance to win. i just wanted a balance. something to stay connected and leveled. not something to tip completely to one side so fast i was getting thrown in the air. like a teter-totor except only staying down on one side.. . . for long periods of time.
completely drained. tired to keep going. it is so hard fighting for what you want when you seem to be the only one that cares.
nothing-ness.
hopeless. wondering why even try, why not give up and see how life goes without it. doubting myself to be ok then, giving up on myself before i give it a chance.
i like change but not so drastic. it is to intense. my mind wanders trying to connect the dots even when they are not even there to begin with. i like movement into change, not pushed and pulling into life drastic change.
and only change for the best. never the worst. even though it happens sometime.
even when i take a step back, soar above everything and take a birds eye view nothing changes, i just see it, the same actions just from a different angle.
i close my eyes trying to see what might have been if it was, somethings seem like it would have been nicer that way, but it was in my mind. . . what i wanted to see.
i open them, fall back into the uncomplete-ness. sink in and sigh. |
| 81 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
tell me the truth
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hurting only myself |
May 26th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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over it.
driving around for the past two hours always gets me thinking to clear my head. |
| 19 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
tell me the truth
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in a nut shell |
May 11th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
so my long entry didnt save so i'll try to re-do it in a nut shell since i dont feel like writing the whole thing again.
so my cousin had her baby, Cody James, on May 1st 2008.
in a nut shell:
the shoulders and chest were too big so the doctor panicing broke his arm. so that was the first thing they heard before even seeing their babay was teh arm breaking.
The the doctor without my cousins concent gave the baby morphine.
then tried to change his shirt 2 days after the breaking of the arm and the morphine and well yanked his little arm and re-broke it.
then more morphine. and my cousin flipped out went to the head of doctors trying to get a new night doctor since she didnt trust her with her baby since she broke the amr twice and kept putting it in meds without consent. and the head doctor said that she was the highest qualified! THIS IS AT SAINT JOHNS... Dont go there.
i have been sick really bad for over the past week, i have no voice and everything. it interfereed with my finals and i couldn't even finish one. not good.
then today joey and i almost broke up cuz of an arguement. he said that he would call me last night and try to come and see me since he has been out with friends and hasnt even tried to come over since i have been sick. and he's going to parties as usual without me but yet he gets all mad when i say that cuz to him he is juts hanging out with friends not partying, yet they are drinking getting wasted, smoking pot, and some are doing e, shrooms, and other drugs im not ok with. if that isnt a party then what the fuck is.
i never go with him to parties since i am never invited since his friends hate me as he told me, which they dont kno me or have given me the chance so i dont ssee how that is possible. but i think its cuz his gay friend has expressed to other how much he wishes my bf was gay so he could fuck him and all this other stuff in detail that makes me sick even typing...
so yea he never called or came over cuz he was with his friends.
so i was annoyed. cuz i put in effort to this relationship and he never does,
then he goes on to how he wants to change his life and try to find himself and doesnt know if i would like what he might do.... so im like uhm are you saying you want to break up? and he;s like no but you might not liek to what i might become. so i said if he started doing shit i wasnt ok with then i would step up but in the mean time i was always tehre for him.
so i guess im giving him space now and he is acting like im controlling cuz i apparently give a negative feel when he goes out and "parties" which i didnt kno thats what controlling is, cuz i dont tell him what he can or cant do, or who he can and cannot hangout with, so thats bullshit.
im annoyed feel really sad and like shit cuz i dont kno whats gonna happen, i mean i have been with him for over 3 years and we have been through so much so its hard hearing him and seeing what he is doing with his like...
This is what he has done so far:
still no car, i drive him everywhere he needs to be or wants to go,.
he dropped out of Ventura College and claims he will go back soon but im not sure if he will. we'll see.
and he just quit his job and has no desire or has started looking for a new one.
so yea dont kno what his going to do with his life or how he is gonna get money or what.
i just dont like being cut out and as if i dont matter. it sucks, this sucks, |
| 27 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
tell me the truth
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ugh |
May 11th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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this thing sucks, i just wrote the longest thing in the world and it just kicked me off saying i had to sign back in and it didnt even save it. ugh!!!! |
| 27 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
tell me the truth
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I love you grandpa |
March 13th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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well yesterday was horrible.
i went to school and i have a math exam at 11:30. i got a text at about 10 from my sister telling me that my grandpa passed out and she would keep me updated. so i was worried that something bad happened. so while im taking my exam, my phone goes off with ten texts from my sister so i turned in my test and left. the test said lauren call me, call me, hurry, grandpa died! were rushing to the hospital. i start freaking out trying to get to my car fast and contain my tears. but then i saw trevor and he knew something was wrong and i broke down. he offered to drive me to camarillo to the plesant valley hospital cuz i didnt kno where it was at but i said it was fine if i went alone.
i get there and finally find my grandpa with a tube in his mouth and his eyes open. the machine was pumping oxgyen into his lungs.
it turns out he had a brain aneurysm which means that the blood vessels in his brain burst and he died instantly.
i watched as the doctors pulled the plug and removed the tube from his mouth, his body was cold, face purple, eyes bright blue, lips bloody, body looked smaller and shrunken. it was so sad. this is body spazzed but the doctor said it was the oxegyn from the machine coming out.
what was worse is that my grandma has altimers and she didnt know what was going on, and kept asking every 5 mins, if he died why was it him, she will never be able to live without him, what is she going to do, then she would sob her heart out, touch him, talk to him, and then leave cuz she was so upset, but then return and start the questions all over again.
is heartbreaking and i miss him and love him. |
| 36 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
tell me the truth
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Vacationing in my hometown |
March 7th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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well on the 4th was mine and joey's 3 year and 2 months anniversary. We decided to spend the day together [before he had to go to work at 6:00 :(.] so we went and got a motel for the day, just kick back, not have to worry about parents, interuptions or anything. it was just us and it was amazing! then we walked down to in-n-out and ate, back to the hotel, then spent time on the beach. it was so beautiful, no one was there, the weather was great and it really felt as if we were away from home on a vacation. Which we were in a vacation in our home town. which is funny to think but it was great. completely stressfree, relaxing, and just being able to spend alone time together. no calls, no parents watching your moves, and no random visits, just me and joey. i hope we can go on a vacation away from our hometown soon, we just got to convince his parents. i mean seriously we have been together for over 3 years, were adults, whats the point of trying to keep us home. they arent stopping us from doing anything, and i kno that they know that, inless they are in denial. which would be lame. but yea hopefully a trip to Sunnyvale to visit my uncle, aunt, and cousins (we told them we would go last summer, the over winter break, but joey's parents wouldn't let him) so we owe my family a visit; and go to San Fran.. (its about 45mins away from Sunnyvale) then santa cruz to mystery spot (close by their house as well).
well i think this is enough for now, but Tuesday was amazing, highlight for sure. i love you joey! |
| 27 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
tell me the truth
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:) |
March 2nd, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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things are going pretty good i guess, im making new friends, hanging out with more people and joey and i are wonderful. i swear that boy makes me so incredibly happy. school is being school, its hard for me to stay motivated. im glad spring break is coming up but it seems like i should take off a semester or something, i feel if i dont i will get burnt out. but if i do that it will take longer to get all my credits and finish school once and for all. ugh to many years of school thats all i have to say about that. but other than that im pretty much a happy camper. |
| 28 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
tell me the truth
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procrastination |
February 7th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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So its a word I hear almost everyday and it is a word that I use almost everyday. I don't know why but it is very hard for me to stay concentrated on things that I don't personally find interesting, more like homework. Like now I am supposed to be writing a three page R/A paper due tomorrow and a test in Business Communications. At least I get my test back from Human Sexuality, I think i Aced it. I needf to really be more focused, well see if it really happens though. |
| 53 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
tell me the truth
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Poor Pumpkin :( |
February 7th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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So basically my cat that i have had since i was 2 now has a huge tumor the size of my palm. So we are giving him meds. and everything but the vet said that if it doesnt go down at all then his leg has to be aputated, but my parents dont want to pay and we dont want him to suffer so therefore if it comes down to that we are just gonna put him down. its really sad and depressing, but i know that its better than him to be hurt. he's so old. |
| 50 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
tell me the truth
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School, Money, Car, Work, Stress |
February 5th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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Well, Well, Well, here I am once again, schools is begining to be a problem since im taking 5 classes that all happen on the same days and I have so much shit and projects due on the same days for different classes. Its taking so much time out of my life and it's taking so much effort. I have been having the hardest time concentraiting on school hense me writing this right now. Good news is that I am hopefully going to be promoted to full time assistant manager instead of what I am now which is part-time assistant manager. I would get more money and more hours which is great considering that i need that bad. My car has been causing me problems. I know i bought it cheap but having to pay almost 2,000 for just car repairs and adding up. and now I have a leak somewhere so when it was raining i was creating a pool on my backseat floor! My driving window now wont go down, and on the passanger side the paint is chipping off extremely fast, and when it was raining lately now it rusting. Bassically it is taking me forever to save up money and this whole car situation is making matter worse. |
| 34 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
tell me the truth
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| Entry List |
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sent to the little girl
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you got some nerve little...
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completely un-complete
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hurting only myself
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ugh
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in a nut shell
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I love you grandpa
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Vacationing in my hometown
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:)
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procrastination
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Poor Pumpkin :(
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School, Money, Car, Work,...
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just ramboling, for the good...
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being run over by a semi...
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i miss the boy who...
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anniversary
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book list again
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blank
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pager
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new
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new
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new
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bad day, yea nothing cured it
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yesterday vs today
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i wish i wish...
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until tomorrow
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racoons arent attractive
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she said he said
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clouds and rocketships
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fuck my life
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i wish
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blank
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valentines day '07
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i love joey
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amazingly happy
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ahgggggggg
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stop the dwelling
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nothing left unsaid
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Dislikes
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depressing
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lies just makes things worse
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up so high, makes a hard fall
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fuck it
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last dance with mary jane...
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Sugarcoated speeches
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Beauty in the Breakdown
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everything you own in the box...
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me myself and I
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kisses n disses
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say goodbye
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bits of my life
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Books
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drowning slowly
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confusion
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conversation-mixed feelings
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music is life
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losing touch
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venting, why the fuck do i...
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the ways of today
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movin on
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knock on pumkin.
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now hate isnt just a strong...
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thought i ment more
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its over
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need it, love it feel it,...
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always put second
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Needs...
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what is it worth?
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shows
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senior year!
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one year and a half!
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Go Ask Alice
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violent femmes
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today is joeys b-day!
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home
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vacation
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once again
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perfect sense to me
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heart broken.
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pools and
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blend into a thick wall
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do you know what i love?
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so basically....
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xcuttingx
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yearbooks=lame
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dancing in the moonlight
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6-6-06
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finally!
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Benny Ben
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letting go of the green...
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outside a window
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lets get together! yea yea yea
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Hott Pants
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he's just not that into you...
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prom was great
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magical.
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Score 800! yikes! ...
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ditcher...
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PROM!
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personal space [82]
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laying in the grass
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sucks
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15 months!
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worst day of my life!
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misunderstanding
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separation...
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birthday
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prom dress!!!!
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afraid
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things geting much better
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hummm
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greg :(
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surgery
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885!
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9 months!
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drivers ed
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humelake
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todays a sucky one
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brighter than sunshine
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Happy Memorial Day!
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B-A-N-A-N-A-S
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off the hezzie for shezzie!
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watching the trains go by
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one word changes everything
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We like Sheep!
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people change, shit happens...
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movies movies movies
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Calavical!!!!!!!
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Fluffy Pillows
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I BROKE MY COLLAR BONE!
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the big 1 6
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questions to myself
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case de jazebella
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4 limes! instead if...
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still grounded but...
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I need to escape!!!!!
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Snip Snip Snip....
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i epoh taht gnihtyreve si...
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never ever ever understands a...
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The Motorized...
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Grades Suck!
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25 more days.......
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i heart huckabees
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uhmm about that movie....
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oh jeeze whats going on?
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Humelake Re-cap...some
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He's Alive!
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Mourn for Napolean!!!!
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Woo Hoo!
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Cant Hardly Wait...
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Valentines day was today
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valentines days is comming...
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Damn Mr. Dinkler!
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~*~*~*~FlOaTiNg LiKe CrAzY oN...
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"OuT oF It"
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Stupid Entries...
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DrOp It LiKe ItS hOtT!!!!!
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Distant...
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What does it mean...
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Lava Lamps
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fountains galore
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Dying of boredom.. Dun Dun...
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Happy Paintings, and God...
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RaNdOm.. all mixed up/
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jenna, jenna, jenna, what to...
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esspresso beans!
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holidays
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Break in 2 days!
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friday
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lalala... singing in the rain!
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concepts of life that we cant...
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Life's no FairyTale....
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DAH! and thennnnnnn
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better now
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Life's a Bitch
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Thanksgiving
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BITCH!!!
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uhm... ya....
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WeEkEnD TiMe!!!!
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Finally!
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| 180 post(s) |
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