| 140.) -Sigh- |
May 16, 2008 |
So, things have been okay.
Today I got on his myspace and he moved me down after his brothers. Tiffany moved up. I guess after our last talk, I want to believe his mom is his newest lady...But I just don't know.
I wish I knew what he wanted. If he was really getting that job or not. I mean, people work through the other half having job issues and they still stay together. Why couldn't we do that? Maybe I'm being cynical, but I think there's more and he's just not telling me.
I wanna get him off my mind. I wanna be over him, but I can't. I like him still.
Anyways, TGIF. Impact Youth is at church tomorrow. I hope it goes well...
-Sigh-
But I'ma go for now.
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| 139.) So....]= |
May 14, 2008 |
It's been so....I don't even know. Up and down. When he told me about his trip and job, I thought he wasn't telling me everything. Well, I've been watching his myspace, and his ex-girlfriend has been showing up in a lot of places. I cried last night because, it's what I expected, but I didn't want it to be true. My mom was so mad. At him for hurting me like that, and not having the balls to tell me it was another girl. So, tonight at church she talked to him outside before church,without me knowingand the first the he said was "I never meant to hurt her." Honestly? I believe that. I don't think he meant to hurt me, but he did. There's no easy way to tell somebody you don't want to be with them. It just wasn't the right time. Besides that? We live in like two totally different worlds. He's got a good steady job working for his dad in the world. I'm still in high school. I'm 15. He's 20. See?
But I'm learning a lot. Even though I think he still has my heart. [I need to figure out how to get it back in place] [;
First, the night I saw Brian again, I realized that there are more guys out there. Not just Cliff. And it helped me let go a little. Brian showed up long enough for me to realize that. And really? If that job offer in Nashville hadn't of come up? I probably would've had sex with him during this summer. I think it's God talking to me. Trying to get my attention here...I'm kind of sort of realizing that...I shouldn't wait around for him to figure out what he wants. Or wait around until he maybe might come home in a year. My mom is trying to drill into my head I'm much more better than that.
I don't know. Just so much. It's not as hard as past break-ups, but it sure as hell isn't easy. I miss him. Everything reminds me of us. I don't understand what makes her so much more better. I don't know why he wasn't in it like I was. I don't understand why this is the third time I've been this vulnerable to a guy, and getting hurt in the end is so possible.
I mean, I don't once regret anything that happened. God, I liked him a lot, and still do. I'd probably still do anything for him. I guess I'm really just giving him the rope and letting him lead what happens next. But I'm always working on myself. I'm trying to regain a stand on my own life. Living and learning.
Ah, well. I guess it's lights out for now. Just thought I'd update real quick.
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| 138.) Over |
May 10, 2008 |
I would've wrote sooner, but I've been in a state of shock ever since Tuesday when Cliff finally came over. I knew it would happen. I knew something would change. Came over, and I knew something was wrong. We went over to Starbucks, and he broke it to me. Said he got a job offer back in Tennessee, that he'd be dumb not to take. Said we should just be friends now. But that when he comes back from his job after 5-6 months, he'd want to get back with me. I stopped him there and told him he wouldn't come back. After being there with his friends and family for that long, he wouldn't come back here to nobody. Asked him how it would be possible to be down there with his ex-girlfriend around and not want to date her again. He said "No..I dunno, I don't think I'd date her again." I didn't go to school the next day. Mama took me out. But that night we went out after church, and we just talked about things. But we're just friends.
It's been like 5 days since this all happened, but I've cried everyday about it. Or randomly, when I see something that reminds me of us. Actually, today he called and we hung out. But I don't know how to be just his friend. I don't even wanna think about what it will be like at church.
I knew this would happen. I've been like out of it. I'm in this daze and I can't pay attention to anything anyone says to me. All I think about is what I could've done to keep us together....or if I could've said something. Part of me wants to wait until he comes back. Which won't be until next summer really because he's leaving in the fall. But working all summer out of town we won't be together...I want to wait for him, he means that much. But I know he won't come home.
]=
I had a feeling it would happen sooner or later because of his job. I just didn't think this soon.
-sigh-
Hanging out today wasn't as awkward as I thought. Maybe we will stay friends. I wish I knew how to turn off such a good relationship like ours like he can. He doesn't even seem affected... ]= I don't understand it, but I'll hang onto our "friendship" and hope that when he comes back and his work cools down, we'll be together again.
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| 137.) \= |
May 6, 2008 |
He finally called like two minutes after I got off the phone with Sarah telling her about it and stuff, and said he had just got home and was going to gym then he was going to come over.
-Sigh-
Just thought I'd update you. |
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| 136.) ]= |
May 6, 2008 |
He finally called at like 10:00 and told me that his eyes were swollen because of his allergies and stuff and he couldn't see so he just took some medicine and went to bed. But when he called, he talked like he did before he left for Tennessee.
But then today, he didn't call me at all. Still hasn't. And he's been on myspace and that means he's home, and I don't know why he hasn't or wouldn't have called me yet.
When he comes over [if he does] then I'm going to say something...Something like...this...
"So, is everything alright?" He'll say "Yeah, why?" Because he'd say something first if something was wrong. I'll say "Well, you just seem kind of distant, like before you left for Tennessee, you would call me everyday after school, and we'd always be together. And I know that by coming back here, you're getting back into the swing of things, but if that's not the case, I just wanted to know."
I don't know. I'm nervous, and still scared.
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| 135.) ]= |
May 5, 2008 |
Feeling: abandoned
So, he didn't call me after school like he always does. So I called him about 5:30 to see if he was still coming over. He said yeah. He sounded tired, and didn't talk much, so I just told him I'd see him in a few.
I'm like crying because I'm super upset because it's 7:45, and they were supposed to be here at 6. No one has called me, no one has showed up. Nothing. Nothing at all. I'm not even mad as much as I am just really upset and disappointed. I'm not even necessarily crying just because of him but because of the past week, and it's been like crap. I'm so stressed about him, and I don't understand why he hasn't called, why Zack hasn't called. Why no one bothered to show up. I don't understand and I don't know anything or where anyone is.
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| 134.) Stress |
May 4, 2008 |
Listening to: The Spill Canvas - Hush Hush
Feeling: agitated
Okay, so he called me when I got home from church, and I told him I didn't care how late it was, I wanted to see him tonight. We'll see how that goes. He said he'd see depending on how late it was.
I've been so I dunno, I guess stressed with him gone. I asked him how much he drank last night he said "Not much, I wasn't in the mood." But see, lying can go far because I wasn't there, how would I know? See? \= Worries me. Once he's home, I think I'll be okay because I'll know what he's doing. Not that I don't really trust him, but...how much trust can you put into a two month relationship? I mean, if we have been dating like 6 months I'd feel more comfortable saying "Don't drink like that." But giving it's only been two months...I don't think I'm at liberty to control what he does yet. Not control, but have a firm say so in. And it's not that I don't trust him, I do. And that kind of...puts me on the edge.
He should home by 11. \=
I'll see him definitely tomorrow if not tonight, but I so wish that tonight I'll be able to see him. He'll never even fully understand how crappy my week has been, and how bitchy I've been to people. And how much time I've spent just sitting in the chair worrying about where he was, what he was doing, if he was drinking, what if his ex was around, etc.
-Sigh-
I'm just waiting. I'll stay up until he says he can't come over. How ever long that will be I dunno, but I'll stay up all night just if I can see him. ]= |
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| 133.) Sundayy |
May 4, 2008 |
Feeling: bipolar
Hey.
Okay, so he called me last night probably under the influence at Blake's house partying. I hate that. But oh well. Called him after lunch and he was eating with Blake and some other people. He said he'd be on the road by now. Which means he definitely won't be home for church tonight. Which I was looking forward to. So he better come over afterwards to see me.
Nothing really new, I just want him home where he won't drink and I know what he's doing. I hate not knowing.
Jeez.
I don't even know what to say. |
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| 132.) 12 more days |
May 2, 2008 |
Feeling: electric
So, today, was truly a Friday. It was so fun.
First, we got our yearbooks, which was so cool. It was so sunny and warm outside. Then the rest of the day the teachers were lazy bums and we didn't really do anything. And me and Tilicia just don't go to class sometimes haha. Then after school, me and Maggie went home with Tilicia, and there was this horrible wreck on the way there. Had traffic completely stopped for about an hour. We had fun with loud music and dancing in the car though. Then we finally made it home and started getting ready. Maggie did my makeup and Tilicia did my hair. It was reallllly cute. My dress was real cute too. Then we went to Sarah's Sweet Sixteen party! It was real nice and cute. It was just like a dinner. Everyone looked real nice.
Then I got home I guess around 10. Cliff just called me. He's at a friends house and there's a bunch of people there, and he's just hanging out. But anyways.
Today was a real good day. I la la loved it. But now I'm getting to bed.
So....
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| 131.) New car! |
April 30, 2008 |
Feeling: bipolar
School went by slow, and I'm tired of the dumb people there.
Anyways, my mom bought a red convertible Volvo today. It's gonna be delivered tomorrow. It's a sweet ride too. Anyways, we were at the dealership place for like 4 hours. Very exhausting. But Cliff called [=. Then finally got home after dinner and such, and he just called me again [=. It's like almost 10:00. And he's doing good. Hasn't done much really, but he's having a good time. He said he's going to tell his mama about me! XD. I wonder what he'll say? I wonder what she'll say?.... !! [=
Anyways, he wants me to call him before I go to bed, so I will. But I'm just chillen around right now.
Lata! |
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