i have made mistakes in my life. i am willing to admit my faults. i'm far from perfect and i dont ever want to seem like i am. but i have been hurt myself. for a while, i blamed myself. because i fucked up and i knew that was part of the reason that everything got messed up. but as time passed and i still hurt, i realized that it was no one's fault. things happen and sometimes things aren't meant to turn out the way you'd like them to. it's been rough. and i always seemed to backtrack. but as much as i've been through. i'm done. and i'm never turning back. no regrets. not anymore.
does any of this make sense to anyone? everything is just...old. lifes games are old. you try to brighten up your life by filling it with whatever makes you happy at that point in your life. but eventually, you realize it's not enough. it's not enough to completely fulfill you. and then once you realize what it is that will completely fulfill you, you can't fucking find it. what the fucking shit goddamn motherfucking hell is going on anymore?
i don't feel good. both inside and out. i need a break. i feel like something in my life has sucked me completely dry of the person i am. i just walk through life faded. and life is just these random moments that don't connect with each other. and emotionally wise is a roller coaster. but i guess that's normal for girls. they are crazy like that. i always tried to tell myself that i wasn't like other girls. not in a cocky way as if i'm better than other girls, but i always thought that the stupid things they don't get over or the things they get mad at, i thought it was never me. i was wrong. it has finally come back to bite me in the ass. i'm just like every other girl. i'm insecure and i have to wear make-up to feel semi ok looking. and i always look for reassurance with myself in others. and i get mad at boys for not calling. and i cry over the stupidest things. and i'm finalllllllllllllly sucked completely dry.
I feel unsenseable and mostly messed up. I want to feel, lets say, sensible. I feel like the way my brain works is unsensible and all over the place. I constantly feel disshevled and all over the place at one time. This is probably not a good thing and it hurts my head. I want to be sensible, I want to feel a sensible way. I want to be happy for a long period of time or whatever mood I'm in for a long time. But more often than not, i feel all different things at once. I want to sit down in a chair and examine my life, i want to talk to someone and them analyze how i feel, because I never can. I can never make sense of how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. I go to bed and feel like I have a heavy head on my shoulder, but wake up feeling fine. When you were little, did you ever have things just overshadowing your day because you were too little to understand how to fix it? That's how I feel. It's only before I go to bed, though. I feel like i'm responsible for deaths and depression and problems and complications of people I don't even know.
Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
So part of the plan
When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can
I'm diving off the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you
But I don't know if I can
I know something is broken
And I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way I can
i can't sleep. i remember when i was younger, i used to always wake up in the middle of the night and find my mom sitting in the living room watching tv. she said she couldn't sleep. and it was always her worrying about something. whether it was the bills or the boys going off to college or something. maybe i got it from her. i always feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. it's not that people put it there or anything but i always seem to bring it upon myself. right as i feel i'm on top and life is going good, i always worry about what is going to happen to other people and it ruins my mood. i basically had the funnest night of 2006 tonight. i love my friends and we're goofy and amazing. but i worry about other people. what about other people who don't have amazing friends like me, or who don't have these amazing nights like me. and while maybe they are satisfied with their lives without the amazing friends and amazing lives, i just want everyone to be able to experience and not to look back on their high school career and remember it as not fun. i mean what about the kids everyone makes fun of? or the kids who don't have that many close friends? or the kids who never go out on the weekends? gah, it just bothers me so much that not everyone has a perfect life and not everyone is happy. i mean it may not seem like a big deal to everyone but it's making me cry. i mean i started thinking about my brother. and yeah, i know he has friends at school, but he rarely ever goes out with his friends on the weekends. and it makes me sad. as much as he pisses me off constantly, i just want him to be happy. because how am i supposed to know if he's happy? for all i know, his life sucks and he hates high school. but i don't want it to be that way. i feel like this little kid with all these grown up problems i have to solve, but i can't. i can't solve these problems and it hurts me that i can't. i just want to cry to my mom but i can't because i'm supposed to be a big girl. i'm supposed to be a big girl and handle her own problems but i just want to be a little kid sometimes and cry to my parents. i don't know, none of this makes sense.
that everyone that is with me today, we put there for a reason.
that even though sometimes i feel like there is someone missing from my side, they aren't there for a reason.
that sometimes you are going to have to realize that not everyone is going to stay by your side forever.
