I've never told anyone.

And that's why.....

The boss has been gone all week. Doesnt come back till tuesday. I decided instead of working fulltime hours as a part time employee and then telling him "look i work this many hours already so why dont u just make me ft?"... that i would work part time hours as a part time employee and if he doesn't like it, he can hire me as ft or deal with it.

I hope I get paid on Monday.

Hanging out with Amanda tomorrow probably. Hopefully she comes up here. I am so tired of driving all the time.. and frankly.. she doesnt have a job right now so i mean she probablyshould get out of the house. and her dogs kinda annoy me. and i feel unwelcome there because he step dad is kinda douchey. and if we want to go anywhere we have to walk and its hot. i think these are all valid points.. i have no problem giving her gas money as long as i dont have to drive to LA.

I miss Casey. He needs to get a car already.

Ian is a douchebag again. He cussed me out last week for texting him during dinner... and then got even more douchey than that if you can even imagine more douchey than that.. the guy is 27 years old.. why is he such a retard?

My house is a mess.

Family = stupid. Don't want to talk about it.

My kids will learn to respect.

they will learn to obey.

they will learn discipline.

they will learn forgiveness.

they will learn acceptance.

they will learn fairness.

they will learn self control.

and lots of other stuff...

But more than anything they will KNOW I love them. And not just because I say it all the time, and I will. But because I will show them. I wont favor. I wont exasperate. I will teach my children to respect each other. And I will teach them to forgive and accept each other as people without excusing bad behavior. I WILL take sides, because that is my job as a parent. I will mediate. I will punish the one responsible. I will comfort the one hurting. I will understand the difference between the things they do on purpose and the mistakes they make unknowingly. I will teach them to control their anger. I will do it through example. I wont ever say "because I said so" I will always tell them why. I will say sorry when I get it wrong. I will try again. I wont blame them for my mistakes. I wont be afraid to know them. I wont just be there to be their mom. I wont just be their friend. But I will be enough of a friend that they wont ever feel afraid or ashamed to tell me things. I wont overwhelm them so much that they tell me things out of fear and obligation. I will keep their secrets. I wont fight their battles but teach them how to do it themselves. I will be supportive. I will be encouraging. I wont give back handed compliments. I wont tear them apart just to bring them back up. I wont ever let anyone hurt them. I wont let them hurt each other. I wont be afraid to stand up for the one who is innocent, even if it means losing the one in the wrong. People can be bad. I wont be blind to my own children. Who is to say one of mine isn't capable of being a jerk or an ass? I will put them in line. i will hold tehm accountable. Not just one, all of them. I wont parent them differently.

I wont settle for a relationship based on a lie. I can't have a relationship with my mom if she refuses to see who Jason really is. Or at least see how wrong he is in this fight. If she really agreed with me. If she really didn't agree with him.. she wouldnt feel the need to talk about it to me. She wouldn't talk about it to him. She would say one thing. She would flat out tell him...

"JAson, you are wrong. Why is this such a big deal to you? Don't you see you are being a hypocrite? I don't respect hypocrites. Stop being stubborn and apologize for all the crap you've done to her and she will apologize for the thing she said about Cambria. Stop being so arrogant. Just get over it or apologize. "

or in a nut shell " Jason you are wrong. get over it or apologize. "

Simple as that. but she cant. She cant ever tell him he is wrong. She constantly builds his ego. She constantly contributes to his pride. I know I have been prideful, spiteful, selfish, ridiculous etc.. I am not perfect. I never said I was. But I am a different person than I was when I was younger. They can't keep treating me like I am in high school. I am an adult. I can stand up for myself. Its not a tantrum. Its not being irrational. I am not being impulsive. These are things I have thought about . these are issues I know forward and backward. I am right. He is wrong. She is wrong. They can either apologize. Or forget having me in their lives. And I already know what the choice will be. They choose it all the time. No one ever chooses me. I always have to be the bigger person. No. Not any more. not today. I don't care if I lose them . why should I when they constantly show how much they could care less about losing me?

sup bitches.

so basically i decided I don't have diabetes. or whatever. screw figuring it out. we're all dying anyways. I'm just going to forget about it because its most likely just stress. I should probably just schedule a check up tho. Speaking of appointments i see dr. k on Tuesday. I wonder what he will say.. considering.. either this stuff isnt working or things are just excessively crazy lately and it is helping but things are so crazy it seems like its not ish. er. something. but really.. i don't know anymore.. i mean pills and whatever have helped in the past but idk anymore.. i feel kinda blah and numbish. i feel like i don't really care about anything that i used to. my sexual libido is dwindling before my eyes and i am gaining weight. wtf. i am still tired all the time but thats because of the insomnia.. it seems like the 30 mg was working a lot better.. which is weird.. wouldn't more work better? It was dr. k's idea to up the dosage. not mine. i trust him, he has been giving me free packs because they are so expensive. he's been really helpful and encouraging. but i wish i knew of a way to relieve stress and anxiety without having to take a pill... some sort of physical therapy or something? idk what I'm talking about but there has to be other options. And at the same time, i am kinda worried. What if I stop and I am all screwy and weird. Not that I'm not already weird. But what if I can't function" wihtout them.. not that i can now..

its weird. I've said it before but it keeps popping into my head. its just weird.. sometimes I feel so normal. sometimes i feel like i am THE most normal person and everyone around me is the awkward one, the weird one, the socially incorrect one, etc. Sometimes I feel like I fit in to a crowd as well as anyone else. But sometimes I see a person with asperger's on tv or something and they seem more autistic to me. They just seem more uhm.. "aspergery"?? than me... and i think "I'm not like that" or i think "well anyone could relate to that". Maybe Dr. T was wrong? Maybe I was wrong? Maybe I am completely "normal" and totally weird. Or maybe its different to look at someone with asperger's than to be looked at. Maybe I notice things in them that i can't see in myself because I am just not paying attention enough to myself all the time. I asked Tim. I asked him if he really thought I had AS. Like if he was sure or just kinda sure. He said 100% sure. I trust him so I'm sure he's right. The other day we were watching grey's anatomy and one of the doctors has aspergers. but she seemed so much more awkward than i am. more socially offensive. But then again.. there's always the whole different variations of AS and different backgrounds and personalities and environments and stuff. So yeah. But still. Then. There are times I am sure myself. like at work.. i thought this job would be different. The first few weeks were great. Well the whole time has been great... but i mean like.. the first 2 weeks I didn't do anything or notice anything i did that would become a problem like in previous jobs. But there have been things lately.. not big things.. some thingss no one would even notice but me probably. One thing happened on Thursday. My boss came in to talk to me. And i was eating something before he came in. and in the middle of him talking I took a big bite. when he left my coworker laughed and told me what i did and said i shouldnt eat when he's talking to me. But i didn't even notice I did that.... and i felt really stupid. I asked if he reacted to it but he didn't . honestly, even if i did know.. i didn't really understand what the big deal was until my coworker explained it to me.

I miss Casey and Amanda. I miss MW2. I miss Sleep.

I wish we were ready for a baby. I know we're not... and its my fault.

Work is good. Mostly. 90% great. 10% bad but when is work 100% good? I'm lucky and blessed to have found this job. Today was just hard. My co-worker. That;s what he is.. a co-worker... told me he was my manager. Funny how he chooses to tell me this the day John is out of town.. He can be very annoying, condescending, arrogant, ignorant, and self absored. But mostly just little bursts of one or two of those fun traits throughout the day. Well. today I got all of them all at once, all day.. wtf. at least it was friday and we leave early on fridays. uhg.

in other news. I keep having what i have been calling "panic attacks". i'm pretty sure its a panic attack. It scares me. I don't know how to describe it or what to compare it to. Its just different. Last night I had what I like to call a "mini" panic attack because I've had this happen before and it was a little worse but last night  was still scary. it doesn't hurt really. i think a normal person would like it less and consider it very uncomfortable.. and it is to an extent but sometimes.. its like.. like i like poking my bruises. it doesn't feel good.. but it feels good when I stop lol. well its the same. it doesn't feel good but they come in waves. and the spikes are weird but when it goes down it feels good. My heart beats irregularly, i get this feeling in my chest that feels like the feeling you get in your stomach when you're on a rollercoaster and it drops. My chest feels funny. shortness of breath maybe.. actuallyl yeah.. its kind of hard to breath during. I have to actually try. And sometimes it makes me feel weird in my throat but it feels better when i cough. i get sort of light headed and weak. Is this a panic attack? isn't it more of ike breathing into a paper bag, screaming your head off kinda thing? I mean its not pleasant but its not the worst thing.. its not like an "attack".. I think of the word attack and think of someone stabbing me with a knife or punching me in the face and its not as bad as that.. so its hard to put it in the same group. it does scare me tho. especially since its happened a lot lately. idk why. well it happened yesterday after i decided to go with my mom to church. but the around lunch time i canceled and on my way home in  the car i got a very small "panic attack". it lasted about 2 minutes. and it was really mild.

we got a shade for the porch. it makes it a lot cooler for the bunnies :)

Choli's hair is growing back.

I'm tired.