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July 1, 2008 |
Focus on yourself. People come in and out. People do things with other people. Keep your eyes on yourself. You could never go wrong. Keep improving. Keep accepting. Don't be hurt by others. Don't let that impede your growth. Be strong. If they want to hang out, fine. But if they don't, do something else. Read. Do something artistic. Beautify yourself. Beautify your soul. |
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June 29, 2008 |
This is so strange. I don't feel like i've fought with another human being this much ever before (excluding my mother). And yet, you think that I could let it be, and kick them out of my life, yet that doesn't seem like an option. I honestly don't know what it is that I want. I feel so lost right now, and the fact that he is always by my side is quite astonishing. I don't feel ready to talk to him today. I don't feel ready to add him back on face book. It's amazing how such little things can cause such mental anguish. Its weird how in my head , think "this is not stressful" and yet take on symptoms of stress such as headaches. I've never wanted to be this girl. I've never wanted to cause a scene. And, there are so many conflicting emotions that I cannot control at the moment, that I might as well explode. |
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| feelings |
June 26, 2008 |
Listening to: wait... don't go -
Feeling: imaginative
It seems like I keep jumping on trains, yet I don't really even need to go anywhere. I just do it for excitement, and end up miles away from my destination.
Honey, I am so sorry. I just don't know what to do about you. I have these instincts, these feelings, and I act on them without any consideration of your feelings. At all. It's just these feelings guide me to certain places.
I'm learning how to balance things. I'm trying to stop acting on impulses. It's hard. This is all new to me. And despite the fact that it's summer, and I don't feel like i'm learning anything, james, he was right. i am learning things about myself. i am learning how to live.
i feel that by my impulses, i have ruined a relationship. I tainted the white paint. I made a little crack in the dam which cannot be repaired. I dropped my ring in the potato salad. all your friends know what i did.
it's just that everyone does bad things, and when you emphasize them, when they are a popular topic of discussion, they stand out even more.
and all i can say for myself is that i am so so sorry. that i know i will get what's coming to me, and i know it's going to hurt. real bad. which makes me want to cut things off before they even start. but that's missing out on life. you can't just avoid things. i have realized that i am learning. i need to learn to balance things.
and the sad thing is that you could agree to work this out with me, but i can't say for sure that it's real.
I can sit here and say that you are amazingly sweet, and sexxxy (lol), and intelligent (you figure many things out that i don't even want to begin solving) , and that you complement myself in many way. We can laugh, and play, and share almost every thought in our heads, yet be intimate . But, some thing's stopping me from pursuing this and I can't tell you why. I can't help it. Conflicting thoughts and feelings.
I don't want to cause you any troubles. :-( |
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June 25, 2008 |
Feeling: flustered
I really just want to sit down and talk to Amy, because she's so chill. And, I have so many conflicting feelings and emotions, and I just don't what do to. I suppose I'll write them in here, because I just don't care anymore. The truth is the truth. So, he is basically the sweetest guy ever. I have been so mean to him at times, and he is just like "i could never be mean to you." I like him. We did something. I thought it would have been more of a big deal. But, it's really not. I don't really care. I don't regret it. Unless of course a mishap would appear later on down the line. Then, i'd have a mental break down probably. But anyway, i've worked so hard for my dream. And, I just feel like I can't focus on both him and myself at the same time. It's really hard. I want to use my energies for other things, kind of. And, I don't think his mom is happy about us. He doesn't help her out a lot, and of course since I am with him sometimes, the dark shadow gets cast over to me. But that's not entirely true, because the other day we all cooked and ate dinner together, and she seemed happy then. I just hate being alone with him in his room, she definitely suspects things. And the sad thing is, that I didn't let him kiss me, like most of the night, because I didn't want to disrespect her. But, she has no idea. But anyway, I can really tell him anything, and he accepts me. And, I have never been in this predicament. I like him, yet this is the prime of my life, this is no time for shenanigans. You know? But, what if I have a mental break down? He would be there for me. I know it. So I can't sever all connections like I feel like I want to do sometimes. It's just i'm so obsessive, and i've worked so hard, and I want some things so bad. I just can't hang out with him everyday. I have to put some kind of focus on myself. Yet, he's so kind. God has a plan for this. |
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June 22, 2008 |
Feeling: lonely
I miss my baby, except he's not my baby, because I don't want him to be. I want complete time to myself sometimes. Someone calls, I want to be left alone. Yet, there are other times when I am so needy. I am one sided, selfish. And, he understands. We are friends. Things are fine. But, he could one day say "i've had enough of you." and I may not just like that. But, it would be my fault. I spent some time today cleaning through my papers, and there's still much to be cleaned. I have a pressure on me, much like the pressure of school work. Same feeling. It's late, and i'm lonely. And, there has been nobody to really talk to. I mean who could I tell? It's too personal for a casual stranger, a long lost friend. But my close friends, they would have shock, and I don't want that. |
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