| Sara M. |
| Age: 18 |
| Sex: girl |
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| Victorious |
May 7, 2008 |
Listening to: Devendra Banhart - Rosa
Feeling: accomplished
Its over its seriously over, I took my last two finals today and I think I actually did pretty well. Although I barely studied, and if I had I would’ve done much better. Its over now though and I’m thrilled. James and I went to the pet store after he got done at the lab and bought more fish for the tank. There was this one really wild bug eyed black gold fish with an orange stomach that I really want to get. I just have to convince my dad to let my put the bowl in my room. That might be a challenge since we haven’t spoken in over a month. I’ll figure something out.
I start at Bike Line Monday which is surprising since I didn’t really think I’d get the job. I’m not even sure how much I want the job either… ah well I’m stuck now mid as well make the best of it. I’ve wanted to become more mechanically inclined for awhile so this we’ll help me achieve that.
I’ve got a few stories in my head that I want to work on this summer that I’m pretty excited about. The more I think about it the more perfect story writing feels. Its kind of the ideal career for someone as weird as I can be. Besides when I get old and crazy people will think its genius. Can you really ask for a better career?
I’m celebrating my finals days of school in a different way then I originally intended but I’m digging it. Completely unrelated, I have no desire to sleep right now or for a long while. I think it has something to do with summer break. Over the summer I always stay up ridiculously late, to make up for the early mornings of the school year I suppose. I went bike riding with my brother tonight it was kind of fantastic riding under the street lights and into the setting sun.
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| Capulet Cafe |
May 4, 2008 |
Listening to: Escape the fate - not good enough
Feeling: bemused
So tonight is the last night I’m going to have to cover for Cindy, but I won’t have a night off until Wednesday since I still have to cover all my regular days. Wednesday coincidentally is my last of school too… and I’m getting smashed, so knackered in fact I hope to forget all the names and faces of the teachers I’ve come to hate this year, so next year will be a fresh start. I don’t like to drink copiously but Wednesday is a time for celebration so I’ll make an exception.
In other news, my mother is talking about moving out… again. But, I think she is serious about it this time, even has a place picked out. She says I can move in with her so at least I won’t be stuck with my dad, and thus avoid all those pesky homicidal rages I tend to go in whenever we have to spend time together. As nice as it would be to get away from my dad for good, I really don’t relish moving to Maryland. Either way its bound to be a disaster. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.
Although, getting the hell out of Middletown might be worth the extra ten bucks in gas… yeah definitely worth it.
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| Recently deceased |
May 3, 2008 |
Feeling: abnormal
Wow I can’t believe I haven’t written in over a week. I guess I’ve been MIA in general these last few days. Between working every night trying to cover my shift and Cindy’s, preparing for finals, and doing a lot of last minute projects and papers- I just haven’t had the desire to do anything by sleep and zone out. I got my new computer finally on Friday after waging war against the UPS, and its been eating up a lot of my time. I’m finally getting to play all the games I haven’t been able to play on my lab top, I can really be huge nerd sometimes. The only down side is it runs on Vista which is really annoying and sucktastic. I’m hoping to remove it soon.
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| Coma White |
April 26, 2008 |
Listening to: Mustard Plug - Hit me Hit me
Feeling: peachy
Its been a weird wild ride these last couple days. First I get sick the day before my paper is due. Then my English teacher gives me a 78 on my term paper, and I nearly cried right then and there. So yeah hasn’t exactly been made of awesome. But, its looking up I’ve been in this odd kick of listening to Marilyn Manson and Ska… the first one I can’t account for because I loath him as a person but I’m really addicted to his music right now. The second well I love ska and I just found a couple of my old Mustard Plug cd’s and gave a really girly squeal. Dan came by yesterday and gave me the Zen of Zombie and yeah pretty much makes my day. Plus tonight is pay day so life is looking good, I just got to get through finals and then its beach time.
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| Smile Stupid |
April 23, 2008 |
Listening to: Escape the fate - Friends and Alibis
Feeling: amorous
I’ve had a wonderful little epiphany of sorts; it’s made me very happy. All of this nonsense I’ve been going through with my family, friends, school, and love life… is well nonsense. I couldn’t give a flip about it at the moment. I just don’t care at all… and it’s made me very happy in the most ridiculous sort of way. It is not apathy, its absurdity. I could laugh out loud at the irrationality of my own misery.
If this means I’m going crazy, then, I’ll happily skip down the rabbit hole. I’ve made myself sick this past year with loneliness and depression. Tearing up my heart and body with questions and hurt, spending longs night crying wondering why I wasn’t good enough. Never being able to quite figure what was wrong with me. It isn’t a matter of me it never was. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. I mean the guy who put me through hell is turning himself into the fucking joker, and I cared? I’ve never been good enough for my father and I never will be. So why try to be? Sharon is a meaningless self absorbed twat I’ve always known this and I can’t believe I’m just accepting it as the truth. It’s all just so ridiculous.
My previous feelings of doom and gloom are simply absurd and I can’t be bothered to think about them any longer. I’m very happy at this moment. It’s like I’ve been living in bubble of smoke and I can finally see things clearly for what they are. It’s a really good feeling. So much so that I believe I’ll go outside now and begin again.
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| I could use a super soaker |
April 22, 2008 |
Listening to: Bayside - Landing feet first
Feeling: amused
I’ve been thinking a lot about my life, a lot of reflecting. This really isn’t so extraordinary I spend a lot of time doing that. I’ve been trying to find meaning to it all. I haven’t succeeded thus far. Life it seems to me, is infinitely random, bizarre, and ultimately meaningless. No higher power or hope for something greater will persuade me other wise. I’m learning to be okay with it but coming to terms with futility is dangerous to the human ego. It is an uphill struggle but it will probably be worth it in some way only meaningful to me. I guess all this makes me an existentialist. Ho hum.
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| Ciao |
April 21, 2008 |
Listening to: My Chemical Romance - Helena
Feeling: achy
Hurray for benign holidays. As most know it was 4/20 yesterday that holiday, well, really needs no explanation. My brother wanted to celebrate with me but I pissed him off, so no toking for me. I couldn’t care less about getting high, it gives me the shakes. But, I will admit it makes going to the mall a much more interesting experience. Tomorrow entertainingly enough is Earth day, so I guess after we smoke all the green were supposed to, what, replant? If I sound derisive, I am. Cait wants me to come over and plant flowers with her… I know, I rolled my eyes a little to. Even if she is a little granola-y from time to time, I love her to death.
As far as weeks go this one hasn’t been to bad, hectic as anything, but not unbearably so. I got to finish one really good book and a research paper so things are by most standards looking good. But, I’ve still got two more essays and a boat load of projects before I’ll be on easy street. I just can’t shake this feeling that I got sucker punched in the chest when I wasn’t looking, going to work can yield interesting information.
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| Something of substance, for once. |
April 13, 2008 |
Listening to: Devendra Banhart - Little Yellow Spider
Feeling: exhausted
I love Sundays. Not only because it’s an extra dearly needed day to get my shit together before school Monday. But because, that is when post secret is updated. Every Sunday morning without fail it’s the first thing I check. Sometimes I’ll get breakfast and sit down to read them, almost like their Sunday comics. Most of them are either depressing or freakish but always real. That’s the part I love, its proof that somewhere out there people are still feeling real non Prozac induced emotions. I never used to believe that normal was simply relative because I’ve always felt like an outcast. Its true though, and there is a whole website full of proof.
I went clubbing for the first time last night. It was an experience that definitely would’ve of been enhanced by copious amounts of alcohol. It was kind of fun though I understand its appeal. There were just a lot of trashy people that I wish I could’ve used a Taser on. I’ll probably go again but on a different night; Cait wants to do a bi-weekly rotation of them all. Wednesday nights are supposedly Goth’s night I think that’s the next one we’ll go to. It sounds infinitely more promising, Goth’s are more my kind of people.
There is this infinitely large, make or break me, paper I should be working on. Its due Wednesday and needs to be five pages long. The length isn’t what is holding me back though its all the flipping research and citations that go along with it. I understand the purpose of copy right and plagiarism but all of the formats and severity of consequences are irritating as hell. If I fail this paper I fail the class, even though I’d have an B- or so in it. As much as chemically altering ourselves scares the living hell out of me… I wish they would give Adderall to college students.
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| Breathe |
April 11, 2008 |
Listening to: Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams
Feeling: fabulous
Phew… I just got home from August Moon. It was certainly an experience. Cait sat in the chair getting tattooed for about three hours, brave soldier. I’m really proud of how well she held up. Although I did spend those three hours getting my hands fractured… girls got a grip. I’m really happy I was there for her and the tattoo is absolutely gorgeous. I’m sure I returned the favor when it was my turn though. I got my naval pierced and… lets just say it feels like I got punched… several times. I was not expecting it to hurt that much. I’m still hunched over. Never the less tomorrow is an exciting day and I'm so happy I went through with it.
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| I and I |
April 8, 2008 |
Listening to: Cobra Starship - Pop Punk is so '05
Feeling: bemused
I'm really happy with my life lately. I'm writing and having more ideas then I have had in months. If I can just commit to writing them then I have a couple really solid short stories. I'm not really enamored with the idea of writing a novel I prefer short works of fiction much more. There like looking at memories short and colorful; without having to read their whole life.
This weekend is going to be fantastic and this week so far has been pretty incredible on its own. Its not that anything in particular has happened I'm just so much happier then I've been for awhile. Summer is approaching and I have so much to look forward to. I'm finally really O.K. with where I am in my life even if it's only temporary. It feels good to be able to look back on memories and just think about the good times and not the inevitable sadness that goes hand in hand. I miss my old friends for the good times that won't ever come but I'm happy with what we had and even happier with what I will have now that their out of my life. Without an end what will ever begin?
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