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Carbon Monoxide
Soon I'll go to sleep..
275 hit(s) (1 comments) | Exit Stage Left  
Fuck It
everything and anything is gone.. i just dont care..or i get these moments when i dont. because i know that i do about somethings but thats only because a certain someone pushed me to a challenge i'd be more than willing to take. but this isnt about that. i just wanted to write because i havnt in awhile. me and cooper are blahh.. its hard to explain it i really hate it. i really really do. it bugs me more than anything else in my life right now..next to that is this whole soccer thing.. and i hate some people i really do.. like honestly soccer is my get away and no one can see that. i hate soccer at school though, its fun, but i never try and sometimes i just give up to easily and i hate that too. i miss the smiles and the laughs and i hate the person i became over this short period of time.. i hate how i dont know you anymore.. and if you say that i know you the best out of anyone.. then your not being yourself. i hate the fact that thier not okay and how i thought they were. i hate it because it was a promise that they would always be.. and now, now it just doesnt seem that way, hes not the type to break a promise.. and love. love isnt forever i wish it was, but its just a word with so much meaning behind it. a word that wont last forever, doesnt last for forever. it lasts for a part of your lifetime, forever would be.. forever not just a section in your life. 20 years though.. it doesnt seem that long but i guess it must be. so a love so strong everything fades.. i thought it was good i really really did.. the things going on.. the smiles, the laughs, the night outs, the hugs, the i love yous, all blown up into my face as if its just an act which hinds benith it.. i have no idea. u know real friends.. even people im just getting to know ask what or if anything is wrong, even when i was mad at someone when i saw they were down i came to them and just put everything else on the side.. but no i dont get that favor.. but i guess its just cuz ur different right? ur better then it all and thats the sad part about it too. i still think about that one night, and i still wonder what it would be like it if ever happened or if i still even feel the way i did. i want to fall.. just fall in wake up as if nothing happened and just for it to be like it used to, sometimes i miss them to much.. and then maybe i just miss my life with them, it was perfect...and i was happy.
204 hit(s) (1 comments) | Dont.Forget.Me  
WHAT SHOULD I DO
Listening to: all the things she said
Feeling: shocked
I found a picture of the first guy i fell in love with and he looks very happy. im happy for him but i am very sad aboot it.
he was the first guy i fell in love with and i wish i could have been with him forever..... so right now i am between a rock and a hard place...... i want to get ahold of him but i dont know if i should..
if anny one has anny sigjestions please help me out i dont know what to do..... i would realy like to get ahold of him but if i do and he dont respond i would be crushed and i dont want to be sad anny more......

WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!!!!!!!
i want to cry


JONATHAN
313 hit(s) (5 comments) | slice a message  
its the way you let me down
Listening to: Distance - Faktion
Feeling: alive
It’s not the way you see me
It’s the way you let me down
I can’t believe that it hurts this much
When I hear your voice
You’re calling out to me
Though you know I can’t be with you

Chorus:
So please don’t leave
Just remember to keep some distance
And remember you’ve already had your chance with me
I hope you see
I could never be without you
Just try to see the way that I see

It’s not the way you need me
It’s the way you drag me down
I can’t believe that it hurts this much
I still hear your voice
You’re calling out to me
Though you know I can’t be with you

Repeat Chorus


You’re a constant echo
That I hear ringing in my ears
I see you
I see the way you see me
You’re a constant hurting
That gets the best of me
I see you - I see the way you see me



remind you of anything? damn straight it does...
269 hit(s) (0 comments) | move along  
Wow. It's been a while huh?
Okay, so definitely never stopped writing this story. I started editing it this year because there was a lot of mistakes but then you know, grade twelve is a bitch.

If you want to read more of my stuff I am pretty active on fanfiction.net I write all Twilight (By Stephenie Meyer) fan fictions and I will be starting an account on another story site soon. My fan fiction is calle After Jacob's First Love and it is under the account name topaz addiction. Remeber to search the name of the story and not the account, it's my friends account it's posted on.

If anyone wants me to write more of this story and get updates on a regular basis, e-mail me and I will let you know when I start it back up again. my e-mail is rawrr.hearts@hotmail.com

love (L)
845 hit(s) (1 comments) | spill.your.thought  
I LOVE YOU!!
Listening to: hardcore mood, wtf?!
Feeling: hardcore
i love hilary.
a whole freaking bunch.

me& her are family, prettymuch.
we're always together, and people don't like that, too bad.
she is my bestfriend, and has been since 6th grade.

don't mess with her, or else.
family sticks together, so mess with one of us, you get both.

don't treat her bad, she doesn't deserve it.

if you don't like her/ or like it then forget you, no one cares.


91 hit(s) (1 comments) | comments  
Just felt like posting
Feeling: frustrated
Hey Ya'll what's up. Long Time no post! Sorry things have been a bit on the crazy side. As you know I am not living with my mom but I have moved like 5 times in 2 months. Not much time for the computer. SORRY! Anywho. Ummm... Well I have been seeing a therapist but I think I am going to stop. It doesn't seem to be helping b.c she just sits there for like 30 mins and then asks the same damn things over and over.



EX: Tell me what you like about your boyfriend, or I forget but do you have any siblings or where do you're siblings live? It is sooooo irritating. It is like she doesn't even want to do anything to help me b.c it is the same thing over and over and over and it is getting really old very quickly! Anyways. The anti depressants aren't doing anything either. I have to go see the P~doc tomorrow. I will prolly stop taking them. I dunno yet.



Haven't really been eating lately.(2 weeks approx.) SO now I am down another 7 pounds. Yay! Go me. Go me. Okay I'm done now. Well there you go, I posted. Love Ya'll lots.



Kayla
372 hit(s) (1 comments) | Crush My Dreams  
Carbon Monoxide
Feeling: abandoned
I try to speak, but no one hears.
I try to listen, but no one speaks.
I explain it all, do I?
No need for an explanation through it is needed everywhere I go.
It seems like everyone I ever trusted turned on me.
She listens and feels my pain.
She helps me on the outside but everything happens on the inside.
The emptiness that consumes me whole,
Will forever stay nothing or no one will be able to help the darkness inside of me.
The way I feel not one person will be able to figure out how it started
Or how it ended my life.
Demons and devils take souls
But im coming im coming to realize that they are disguised as people
Like us lurking about for lost and sorrow filled bodies.
Pictures and words let out all my demons out of my mind at that particular moment.
But they come back within the day
Don’t even try to help or they’ll get you too…
Consume you like they consumed me
Just forget, go into the dark place in your mind and forget,
Don’t forgive but forget…
FORGET IT ALL.
37 hit(s) (0 comments) | Soilent Green  
Update
So ya im done school until i go back for my applied math 30 in september...its kind of sad because i have graduated:( My mom kinda ruined the family dance cause she bitched about me not dancing with her boyfriend on the father and daughter dance...i danced with my brother cause hes the closest to my daddy. I wish he was still alive to see me graduate. I miss him so much and it gets really hard lot of the times. My friend ash is gettin herself moved in...and i dont know if its a good thing or not...my brother lives with me also and well she is goin out with him...you also have to understand she is 16...so things are slightly complicated but i hope everything works out!! But ya my summer is going to be full of me wkrin alot...i dont know if im excited about that but i am excited that im turning 18 in 12 more days. I cant believe im going to be 18, scary...lol. But have to go to wrk now so see ya later.
67 hit(s) (0 comments) | Playmate  
I Am the Devil!
Feeling: angry
There is no room here for insanity here.
Go, regurgitate what the world has given you elsewhere.
Go put your words in the mouths of strangers elsewhere.
Family? You? Me? What?
Get Out.
I don't want you here right now, you shame me.
Go on.
Call me demon.
Call me Herman?
You're insane.
I AM THE DEVIL!
You have serious issues!
Take Herman with you, ma'.
608 hit(s) (7 comments) | leave comment  
*[08] don't hold the phone!!
well... as a continuation of my last entry:

i called my cousin and told her that i couldn't believe that she had believed what i told her. haha. she said that she still believed it, and i said " fine... believe what you want.. i still can't believe that you fell for it." i kinda feel like a bitch for doing that though. i really shouldnt lie to family, but she asked me... so i had to lie to her either way... if i didnt... i would be completely insecure around her. yeah so..

i was just on the phone with my boy. oO0oOooh i love that boyy! :) anyway... my life is still a GIaNT mess and i dont kow... i am just annoyed by life... dont worry... i am not going to do anyhting drastic.. i guess i will just have to cry myself to sleep for a few more nights.[[as if it were only a few more nights...]]

- i am worried that this diarymay have gotten exposed... as to who i am... so i will probably make a new one soon... just thinking of a name.

225 hit(s) (2 comments) | save my soul  
 
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