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Friends of Gluesticks
| Getting Back In Touch (syndication) | August 13th, 2008 @ 3:50pm |
| by daysleeper | |
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Listening to: Various Music Choice Channels
I have spent the last couple of years in a fog, lost in the darkness of a new kind of loneliness. My best friend left me, pursuing a life that wasn't true of herself. I resented her. I brooded, and hated the ways we had parted, the different lifestyle choices made; I despised her unseemly departure from herself. All the while, though, I somehow missed that I had done the exact same thing. I had abandoned the only person I have always had, always loved, always trusted. Somewhere along the way, in the chaos of my home and high school, I completely lost my identity. Mind you, I've always been invisible to other people. But of late, in the last year or two, I have felt an unsettlement every time I've sat to observe. A wrongness in the silence of solitude. I became separated from the forces that drive me. From the giddiness I feel when I'm alone. In the last two years, I have not spent my Monday Night Freedoms dancing around the house to music. I've said it was the music, not as much good stuff coming out. Radio playing all the wrong things. Change. I blamed a lot on change. I even looked inward -- some. I thought maturity had refined my taste, that less was good enough for me now. But I'm sure now it was something more. I couldn't remember the songs I had danced to. I couldn't remember what exhilaration I had felt in those hours of silliness, those blissful, carefree hours where I was utterly myself, completely unconcerned with being seen. I was being me, and being Alive. It wasn't childhood that I was losing. Not that uninhibited, ignorant state. I still had that, in a way. Still have it now. But pieces were missing. I no longer made up songs in my head. No longer made up songs at all. My guitars grew dusty and out of tune; and hours spent in laughter and enjoyment became hours spent in discontent, in a cesspool of the same websites, refreshed over and over, hoping that some new fulfillment would come of it. Hours of wishing and rebuking myself for wishing. It's an empty art, unworthy of a moment's thought. Looking back at the beginning of this school year, I realized that, somehow, I'd become a senior in high school almost without noticing. It didn't seem as though so many years had passed. The thought struck me, but I did not yet understand: for all of my junior year, I had not been present. It was only the unsubstantial of me that attended classes, that sat unfeeling through lectures and drowned in inactivity and apathy at home. My thoughts are falling away, this period of coherence is passing. The rest is outlined as follows (I didn't do this for the whole thing, but quickly wrote down just these points, to remember them before they faded): - we all lose ourselves to work and routine - seeing that in my friends may have been a catalyst - - might be why I'm so drawn to Mr. Messner - he hasn't given himself up to the routine, still exuberant and fun. does things on the weekend and has stories, and still makes new ones. - smoking is one of the things that is keeping me from myself - it's something I do when sadly alone, and I'm never so alone when I'm with me - it's a mask in social situations - the song I wrote last week, while partially the fault of Pat (another catalyst?) was a last cry out from the me I've always wanted to be - writing this is in itself a way back to me I am having trouble keeping it in my mind. I've been writing for nearly an hour, now. Maybe a whole one. I see now that my dog is depressed too, she needs my love and attention as much as I do. PLEASE, PLEASE FINISH THIS. IF IT IS THE LAST THING YOU DO, SELF, FINISH THIS. THIS IS FOR ME AND ONLY ME. AND THE ONLY THING THAT CAN SAVE ME. THIS IS REAL. READ IT. READ IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER. |
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| 133 hit(s) | (0 comments) | [click this] |
| potential for greatness | July 7th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
| by callingallcars | |
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its the feeling of heavy eyelids in the morning when you first wake up. how the sun seems so much brighter and it feels like its the suns personal vendetta to blind you. but you squint and get through it. because its only nine o'clock in the morning. its nothing but the open road from here on out. its the feeling of empty highways surrounded by empty fields. you think of what would be planted in them if something were planted in them. but you don't know enough about iowa agriculture to know what grows here this season. its mile marker after road sign after rest stop after truck stop. repetition with different names and different colored signs. but you cant look away, because the potential for greatness is far too great and you dont want to miss anything that could be considered great in iowa. it could be the last great thing you see here. you're captured by the open sky and the endless land. you feel like you're flying but the steady vibration keeps you grounded. its the feeling of a clear mind clouded only by bad habits. which seem twice as bad because its such a wholesome place to be. maybe its because you're so far away from where you're from. but the clear mind is great because when inspiration meets imagination the result is freedom. and for once, you dont mind the wait for inspiration. its a nice, clean wait. free of frustration. its the feeling of picking up postcards from all the places you've never been before. you make a mental note to call and tell scott you were on his side of the country and you would have stopped to say hi, but you aren't in touch anymore. its the warped voices over the radio as you get further and further away from the big city and closer to the open country. as each mile marker passes, you being to feel infinite. because you're further from home. which means you're closer to feeling fine. its indescribable feelings such as those that make me feel like one day i could be something great. |
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| 216 hit(s) | (7 comments) | leave comment |
| CRUSH. | November 12th, 2008 @ 12:52am |
| by paletas | |
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| 8 hit(s) | (0 comments) | scoop it up |
| fridayy. | September 13th, 2008 @ 12:10am |
| by styrofoam | |
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Listening to: DEATH MAGNETIC.
Feeling: bizarre
it was amazing. people care. last year of high school. easyy shit. until college apps, maybe. "the promise is null &void." the end of that dreaded drunken promise! i care about him. he lies. to me, to himself. helpless. i hate her. &her stupid accusing questions. she buys a new face to put on each dayy. it's so easy to be happyy. if you're up for it. it's so easy. love//miss youu all. |
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| 244 hit(s) | (0 comments) | purple bunnyy. <3 |
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