It's June 30th, the third day of my vacation. I left my home to go to the beach. I was so happy to arrive on this little tiny island near the coast of the state mostly because I wanted to take a break from all the stress in life (not trying to be emo). Most of the friends I know want to try to get peoples attention. They are mostly rude when you have something to say and they ignore you and pretty much just start talking about how wonderful life is for them and brag on and on about how they got 5 xbox 360s. As if i give a shit. I just go along and pretend like I care. One of my friends is in the hospital at the time and she started to brag about how she has to eat shitty food everyday. My mom's a nurse ok? I think I know how shitty the food is everyday. And then she goes on the internet and tells people she doesn't know about what happened. And she gets mad at me for talking to my ex. She got over it thank god but she still is telling people that her life sucks and crap. All my friends are like this. One of my friends cried because she couldn't ask her dad if she could go somewhere. Nobody should cry over shit like that. Even when I'm at the beach people still tell me how their life sucks and its like I'm trying to enjoy my vacation while you're trying to destroy it with all the shit thats happening. I don't want to be anybody's therapist while I am on vacation. For god's sake they are so sucked up in getting attention that they are destroying a perfectly good friendship. AKA they are being greedy. Anybody help?

ummm i got this diary not know what i would use it for.....i now know

its not a very good thought that when i leaned forward i hear what sounded like a squeaking chair. suprised by it i stopped for a moment, thought it was nothing and continuned what i was doing....after a while i realized the sound of squeaking came from my pants O_O

im not sure why but some of the stiches in my pants i think are doing it.....what do i do? i think if a move from this possition it wont do it anymore....but then again i might be streching it or something for it to make that sound.....

im scared :(

4 Febuary 2009

5:38pm

I have to write a memoir for english class ...and I just realized that um, there a many entries to choose from here. Well, maybe?

i have a boyfriend

i love him

i'm going to marry him

i'm going to love him forever

i'm going to live happily ever after

Hmm I'm mildly drunk and bleeding. I've had worse nights I suppose. Who even give's a fuck, no one. I should of learned that lesson by now. I haven't. Still my bastard sense of optimism is holding out for one more shot, before falling to the firing squad. Bitch got what it deserved. That will show me to hope. People are never who you think they are, even when you known them for years and fucking years. So, I figure I've got to find a new life plan, this one has failed. I don't know what to do though. But, I'll have to find something, or throw myself off a bridge, whichever come's first.

woke up this morning on the couch to my alarm telling me to take my pill. i trudged upstairs, took the pill, peed, and fell into my bed. i feel bad for not walking colty to the door last night, but i was so exhausted. i think he didn't mind.

i'm sick of the sims not working on my computer. sometimes i just want to control some lives, even if it is only on a simulation computer game.

thanksgiving is coming up, i'm definitely excited for the food. as i get older, all the traditions seem to fade... we don't seem to spend as much time with the millers anymore. that's alright, i mean, everyone's busy; i just miss that.

went to new moon last night with janelle and cort, it was good times had by all. is it bad of me to wish colty had the back and shoulders that jacob does? for some reason, those parts on a male body (or any body?) are ridiculously attractive to me. and believe me, colty has an attractive back and shoulders but i don't know. the way jacob's muscles rippled attracted me more than muscles ever do or have. i don't really care, though, i love colty's body. it's so warm and cuddly. he's my teddy bear. (:

i need to take more pictures with my camera. i just don't know what to take pictures of. hmm. i miss my dear canon.

i really just want colty to wake up and call me. but i'll be patient.

11:31 Late Monday Morning (8 March 2010)

     Skipping Class, Pondering Life

To PhD or not to PhD, that is the question.

Probably to PhD, but...am I ready for that kind of commitment?

Can I really finish in 5 years?

Will I do good enough research?

Will I have enough motivation?

About 5 days ago, my major professor and I had a chat.  He asked me to seriously consider doing a PhD instead of a Master's degree.

He asked me last summer before I started grad school, and I was like no way jose!  but now he's bugging me about it again and i'm starting to think it would be a good thing more than a bad thing.

But still...can I do it?

ugh ugh ugh i don't know what to do...I thought I was through with this decision-affecting-major-life-choices-making crap until I was done with my Masters!

Pros:

Get the PhD now, ultimately less time in school than if I did a Master's and then a PhD.

If I do a PhD now, I won't have to try to decide whether or not to do a PhD later.

I would be a doctor.

I could get some really great publications and get really in-depth in my research.

I could tell people I'm a PhD student instead of a Master's student, and feel that much special-er.

A PhD would really boost my earning potential later on.

More time in our house means more equity and potentially an increase in property value when we sell.

Cons:

PhD programs are hard and long.

Despite being different departments, getting your Bachelors and PhD from the same uni tends to be frowned upon.

Caleb will finish at least a year before I do, which means at least another year in the Valley.

I want to have a kid before I'm 30 and this might inhibit that goal.

What if I fail?

Make a wish and place it in your heart.

Anything you want, everything you want... Do you have it?

Good.

Now believe it can come true.

You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it's right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it. You just might get the thing you're wishing for.

The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it.

So make your wish.

Do you have it?

Good. Now believe in it.

With all your heart.

x