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4.3.06 Preparing for the wave |
April 3rd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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I might as well walk to the edge now,
walk to the edge and look out on the open waters that has become our nearing future.
The waves are swelling,
the swells at large,
and I'm just holding my breath
until they topple.
They'll fold and un-fold,
pushing out all our efforts of the last...
how long has it been now?
For now,
I walk steadily on the shore of it--
the eve of it--
picking up shells for momentos;
someday I'll put them in a jar
and hang my memories--
my childhood--
on display.
Or I'll simply push the box away,
high on a shelf; untouched.
The wave,
it's coming near.
It will echo the words that I've written
in 12 voices.
Just look at that wave swell... |
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12.21.05 Wave the Red Flag |
December 21st, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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I was riding down a pleasant road
where familiarity met promise,
driving past the accidents
knowing
"that won't happen to us"
I ridiculed the "low-lifes"--
I won't live life like them--
I'm climbing higher,
fighting fire,
I'll become much more than them.
And then something darted
across my path;
I hit the breaks and screeched.
My heart pounded,
panic swelling in my eyes;
Please, faith, fate,
let this pass us by.
Wave the red flag,
I'm not ready,
stop this while ye may.
Wave the read flag,
I'm not ready,
don't end my dreams today. |
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12.9.05 Cluttered Mind, and before a final |
December 9th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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12:16 the night before a final and I can't go to sleep. I had a great day today, but I can't let Him know that. I acted like a child, like a real woman, like a flirt, like a bitch, like a drunk, like a poet, but I can't let anyone know that.
I chased pigeons because it felt like running away.
I shook hands because it felt like senior year.
I laughed, and joked, and tossed around empty insults because, secretly, we're friends.
I felt comfortable all day because this is the way I'v developed; to be lazy in sweatshirts, quick in sneakers, at ease with the boys.
Sometimes I'm laughing so much, I can't slow myself down to speak properly.
Because I worked (out) yesterday, I deserved dessert tonight. One of these days I'll mean it when I say I'm putting my foot down (gee, doesn't THAT sound familiar).
I was called white and wasn't offended; Am I a white-bread girl in denial?
We high-fived over cleaning ladies.
I celebrated $113 returned to me for books.
I wondered if the thousands of dollars spent on tuition was worth it.
I looked at another college.
It's so typical of me to change my mind over and over again...I know the answer is right in front of me--obvious--but as for now, I'm blind to.
I'm trapped here because of Him; willingly, you understand. Is it pathetic? Romantic? Tragic? I don't know.
Where else would I be?
I'm everywhere I never dreamed of being and no where close to where I dreamed of getting. Did I turn the wrong corner (I have the tendency to get lost), or did the map change to fit my direction? |
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12.1.05 Lucky Birth |
December 1st, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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Well, happy December!
I've been spending a lot of time with family lately. Been going home a lot--every weekend, so it seems--and, although I haven't just realized it, I'm just overwhelmed by the luck I have when it comes to family. I mean, my family is all around fantastic, Kris' family is all around fantastic, both our families get along--they like me, my family likes him--(scratch the like, it's all about the love!). I have so many friends that feel they have to hide things from their parents and sneak around and, fortunately, I've never had to do that. My parents have always been understanding and open with me about everything. Any my family is so unique, even just my immediate family--everyone is so different from the next.
I feel awful ending this so vaguely, but I was just drowned by a wave of tiredness... |
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11.2.05 Conversations with Daddy |
November 2nd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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My father called me again last night. I was sitting at the computer, working on my English paper when the phone rings and you can't imagine my surprise when I looked at the caller ID and saw it was my dad. At first I got worried that something had happened--ridiculous, isn't that? To assume a tragedy when your father calls? Well, there was no emergency. Mom was out for the night and so dad was alone, making himself a big juicy burger and thought of me. So we made yummy noises over the phone and talked about food, dad's specialties and that we ought to have hot pastrami sandwhiches this weekend. Then we talked about the house, its progress, when it might be done (early January, he says), when our house will be put on the market (after Christmas), and then I told him how Kris and I wanted to get a place next year so we talked about that, too. It was so nice, talking to my daddy. When I lived at home sometimes he would come into my room when I was sitting around and would just flop onto my bed, pet the dog and casually strike up a conversation with me, even if it was about nothing and didn't last very long. My father is truly the most mysterious person I know. I've been trying to figure him out for years and years. It's easy to think you've got him pegged, but then he does something or says something that makes you re-evaluate your assumptions. |
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10.12.05 What is this? |
October 12th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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I've been dealing with some strange changes here, physological and physical, on every realm of my personality. For the most mundane of change, a look at my eating; a sudden turn-off of greasy, fattening, and particuarly sugary foods and a new found favoritism for fruits and vegetables, celery topping the charts. On the surface, a glance at my face; marked by horrendous pimples, those horrid mountains of development that do nothing but stand in the way of confidence. On the inside, much has changed. I question, I wonder, I second-guess; but why? Because of a ridiculous nightmare? Because of a subtle hint taken twice? What if I'm reading the signs wrong? And while I know I'm happy, I can't help but to also feel angry that there is a force larger than me standing in the way of my real happiness; a blockade of miles to seperate us and cut-off communications, except through a telephone of static where we can hear perfectly but understand nothing. I'm sorry that my voice doesn't travel well. It's not used to be without my mouth, my cheeks, my eyes...
I have no decisions to make, and yet I feel clustered by crossroads. It may just be all the excess running through my body; medicine for this, medicine for that, lotions all over the body...it's enough to make me sick and, in fact, is.
Enjoying myself has become much easier when all I think about is laughing. But when the tickling ends, I am drawn back to the daunting tasks of work and the pressures univeristy places upon you; get invovled, do work, intern, etc., etc. I won't dare compare any of it to high school (in truth, this is easier). God do I miss being a little girl, riding in the passenger seat of my mom's Mustang at 6am to go to the 10K charity events in Tempe where I would walk around to all the booths with my little goody bags collecting all sorts of junk that would soon enough be thrown away. I miss my pigtails and bows and cute frilly socks, along with the days when being a little chubby was considered healthy and adorable. And while this has no real congruence to the beginning of this entry, it still serves to sooth my mind as thoughts condense and slow to a stop. Maybe, for just tonight, I may sleep soundly. |
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9.25.05 Wealthily Poor |
September 25th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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According to my mother, I'm rich. And I suppose that's what my bank account says with the condition of 19 year old college kid. But I can't help but feeling poor. I don't know exactly where all the money came from; for some I work, for some I earned, and some I'm sure got there by accident. I consider it all a gift. And it is with heavy guilt that I spend any of it, except of course on the specific items of its purpose; tuition, room and board, books, groceries. Besides the necesseties, I feel more obligation to hang on to it all, not yet aware of the full comfort of being "financially stable". I want to be exceedingly wealthy one day so that I won't feel guilty for anything and I can lend out extra bedrooms to people in need and have huge feasts during the holidays and big swim parties during the summer and I shall travel all the world. I wish to see and do so much, I think my own dreams overwhelm me. Did all the grown-ups around me once have giant dreams, too? I wonder.
Things are unexplainably rough right now. I think that's the way with freshmen year. Some days you feel right on top of things in the hands of education. Other days you feel like the carpet is being pulled out from under you and you can hardly get a hold of anything to stay on your feet. Many people fall. But will they get back up, that is the question. Some days I swear I'm going to change the world. Other days I discover the world is changing me.
What to do? About college, about love, about everything? I'm in a tricky spot--not entirely difficult, but no where easy either--am I doing all the right things? For everyone?
I hope so.
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9.18.05 Train Whistles |
September 18th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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Outside, through paper-thin walls I heat the train whistle, hear it rumble away as it calls and this little city perhaps mildly hears it, otherwise ignores it, but not me. I smiled silently as it tooted a message across blacktops and rooftops, sat still as it chugged and cycled away. Pleased was I to hear the whistle blew, knowing somewhere off, you heard one too.
Besides the minor pull-over, the day--the weekend--cruised smoothly to a near top ten.
And these visions keeping hanging around
flickering on the silver screen of memory
like a black and white film without sound;
make this a romantic.
Oh this is an ornamental fate;
I should have known that the crash
of a shimmering blue
was the firework boom
of a "sneeze":
I love you.
Forever and ever,
for eternity,
I do. |
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9.16.05 I am Fire |
September 16th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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 Your element is Fire: Strong, hot tempered,powerful, and passionate. Well now lets see,being fire you are quite strong and powerful,people look up to you greatly and often seekyour protection. You have the ability to gainmany friends and you are always one people cancount on to do what you say you will do. Youare extremely loyal be it friends or familyyou'll stick up for them and you are neverwilling to put them in a position that couldhurt them. You know what roll you play in life,leader, and you intend to let people know it.Not everyone is capable of leadership but youcertainly have the willpower and flare to doit. You have quite a temper if it shows itself,one that can often lead you into trouble. Onceyour mind is made up there is no changing itbut no one said that was a bad thing.
.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers- brought to you by Quizilla
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9.14.05 Writer's Blog: The Series |
September 14th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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The Series
Featuring the viewpoints of Talbot, Teague, Larkin, and Fallen with a look at the planets Emoh, Ashnah, Telsim, and Earth, the Water Planet.
Telsim is almost communist, Emoh is almost robotic, but you always have your rebels…do they all go to Ashnah? How did people end up where?
Notes for ideas:
Talbot is in Ashnah where Farious Farcast is the only one opposed to Rigolo’s Revolution. Ashnah and Emoh have been in political battles for years. Emoh’s trophy is a small portion of Ashnah kept under glass and tight security in Emoh as researchers attempt to clone the last living planet. The people of Emoh don’t know about the stolen portion of Ashnah, but are led to believe that Ashnah is a diseased planet and the people on it are all infected. This giant lie is created to keep the people of Emoh ignorant of the government’s plans and to avoid protest for war against Ashnah. The people of Emoh also don’t realize that their life cannot continue to sustain as it is.
Should Emoh and Telsim reverse names?
Could Emoh be old earth? The half-land?
The deal between President of Emoh and Rigolo:
Rigolo is the real villain. President thinks he is in control, but he has no control at any point in the story—demonstrated even by small points: asks Rigolo to sit, Rigolo continues to stand.
“Minorities will always survive because we have sustained our way of life around them by the use of them.”
Possible that Teage and Talbot fall in love and discover they are brother and sister?
Parents could have been cause of great divide between the planets, or they could have been the freedom fighters.
Talbot became a freewalker like her mother?
Freewalker: A fighter having no allegiance to a single group; employed out of disparity and loyal to employer only until a battle or war is won. They fight to fight, not for the cause, and are extremely gifted fighters. For these reasons, they are not highly thought.
The Family Ties: Going back generations
Larivant and Decanten have twins, Teague and Talbot.
Born enemies and secret lovers, Larivant became pregnant before Decanten could fulfill his promise of peace.
Possible to link all this to Sin Is A Myth. In which case, the family tree would be expanded, every-other generation had siblings that fell in love:
Pendithor &
Framos & Vilencia
Mendithas & Quency
Decanten & Larivant
Teague & Talbot
*refresh on Pendithor’s history. There may be another link with the generations in relation to a universal balance. Do the siblings falling in love re-create the balance or disrupt it? What is the role of Fate?
OR is Sin Is A Myth too heavy to tie into the younger generation sci-fi?
Who is my audience?
OKAY, now what about Fallen and Larkin?
Character Sketches
Talbot: Obviously coming from a rough up-bringing, perhaps with very little parenting or supervision, it is possible that she was orphaned at a very young age and managed to fend for herself and learned from strangers how to hunt, fight, and the rest of it. She is very strong, but it is a false shield she puts up because she cannot let it down. Perhaps her deepest desire to have someone else look after her, rather than fighting for herself all the time. She became a Freewalker at a young age and quickly gained acknowledgement (different from respect) from leaders and villagers for being a savage fighter with an inconceivable luck for being unhurt. Having no last name as an orphan, rumors quickly named her Talbot Stone because of her strength.
All heroes must have one great adventure story to make them famous…
Talbot took place in a historic battle, what was it? What happened? Why was it so important? What was the aftermath?
Teague: He is a very naïve and optimistic individual who didn’t quite get the chance to grow-up. He is extremely fast and physically strong, even though he has a smaller build; these traits are used greatly to his advantage.
Larkin: Also orphaned very young, Larkin insists he never had parents but simply appeared one day, walking and talking; this is, of course, a fabrication, for Larkin isn’t stupid and knows the impossibility of such a thing. But his major character downfall is his inability to forgive; he holds a grudge very tightly. His hatred is in being deceived, which is a hypocrisy against his character since he consistently lies and makes things up. However, it may be argued that his lies are harmless (and sometimes helpful) and the jut of each joke is an attempt to keep a positive viewpoint on his sad life.
Fallen: A product of Telsim, is the only one who knew his parents. He lived for seven years in the cookie-cutter and communist life of Telsim before getting the chance to run away. Having experienced Telsim first hand, Fallen is the most objective towards society’s forceful push of a concept similar to the New Right that would extensively eliminate individualism. The political promise to spread “equality and fairness to all” was perceived correctly by Fallen as a disguised proposal to keep everyone the same. The only one in the group with even a small education, Fallen’s main contribution is to read take care of their “finances” (although Larkin prefers devising plots to steal).
This is exhausting!!!! |
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