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blank. |
June 19th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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and as for the updates on this story...
the updates have been postponed. they will continue when askthelovers ends. i do not know how long that will take, but it is reaching its end. |
| 168 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
let you drown.
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blank. |
June 19th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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written by cassandra appleby.
and lara feghali. |
| 52 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
June 6th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME...
I WOULD HAVE KISSED YOU. EVEN IF THEY WERE ALL WATCHING.
I sit at the park. Atop a hill... on the same bench that has been there since 1989. A little boy walks by and smiles at me. In one hand I am holding my cell phone. In the other, quietly on my belly. I feel little pokes of her legs, trying to kick her way out of my skin. I poke back. We're playing a game. I keep wondering what her name will be, as I look up around the sky. Random words are passing through my mind as suggestions, some words from my head and others from the names being called out.
"Mary. Jane. Lara. Cassie. Fran. Sun. Clouds. Moon. Sky." Some things distracted me as I looked into the cloudy sky, interrupting my foggy mind. There was no way I could think of a name alone. A name beautiful enough to be fit for my daughter. I couldn't do anything alone. How would I survive? I looked down. I have stopped poking. Baby keeps poking, then pausing, waiting for me to poke back. When I don't she gets tired and eventually stops. Which is when I begin to cry. |
| 77 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
let you drown.
|
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And if you see her. |
February 6th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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THEY ALWAYS SAID IT'LL GO AWAY.
The sky had been raining for several weeks. The world felt cold and slightly lonely. Today felt like such a terrible day. I was alone except for myself. Everyone referred to my baby now as my "5-month-old problem." Godamn. Whatever happened to Josh? It didn't matter now. Wherever he was, he wasn't here. As much as I wished for the sun to shine, it was like wishing for world peace. Not a large possibility.
I walked into my family doctor's office, alone. It was highly embarrassing to see the doctor that I've known before I was born. But I had to face her, unfourtunatly. Inside the waiting room was much more...nicer, especially in comparasion to the abortion clinic. I shuddered at the thought. My legs carried my pregnant body all the way to the front desk. The nurse sitting looked extremly uptight, with her red hair tied so tight back that her face streched her lips inches than what looked natural.
"Um. Hi." I spoke, trying to fake innocence.
She didn't look up. "Mmmhmh?"
"I have an appointment."
She took a chewed up pen out of her mouth, a habit which should have been given up years ago, looked at me, blinking.
"Well, I know that. What is your name?"
As if I really needed this shit.
"Lorraine."
"Last name, hun." Her voice spoke purely out of bitchyness.
Before I could lager at this woman for her rudeness, Dr. Loring opened the door of the waiting room.
"Lorraine! Honey! Hi!"
She opened her arms wide and hugged me, pretending not to notice anything unusual.
I hugged her back, feeling my stomache getting slightly squished.
"Come on in." I loved her for her niceness.
I smiled, extremly embarrassed. Dr. Loring sat me down on a stiff wrinkly bed.
"Okay, Lorraine." She got out a paper attached to a writing board. "So you're pregnant.... how far along are you?"
I thought for a moment. "I think I'm five months." I rubbed around my belly button.
"Wow, you're awfully small for five months..." I took this as a compliment. When I smiled, it was immediatly taken away.
"That's not good..." Spoke Dr. Loring.
Crap.
"Ok, hun, lay down."
She got out a strange looking contraption.
"You're going to have your very first ultra sound!"
"Yay!" I giggled.
She lifted my shirt to my bra, and put a bunch of thick clear liquid on my belly.
I looked at the screen, almost dying of emotion. I saw my baby! I could barely see the screen out of the blurriness of my eyes. I was so happy, just overcome with emotion.
"Aww... hun, your baby is gorgeous.... Okay... you're five and a half months pregnant... your baby is healthy... could be bigger though. You need to eat a lot, you're currently 120 pounds, by next visit, which will be next month, you should be approximatly 135. It could be very dangerous if you don't gain any weight."
I barely heard what she was blabbering about, but my baby... my baby...
"Do you want to know the gender?"
I smiled and looked to her, tearing my eyes away from the screen, wiping my eyes. "I already know."
"Really? Okay, what's your guess?" She smiled back, doubtfully.
"It's a girl, isn't it?" I guessed.
She smiled a yes.
"How did you know?" Dr. Loring replied, curiously.
I looked back at the screen.
"Because I can feel it." |
| 112 hit(s) |
(5 comments) |
let you drown.
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blank. |
February 5th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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hey hey!
ladies and jelly beans... i am so sorry.
no seriously. it's CHEAP the way i havent been updating... it's been a MONTH and i am really sorry. ive been going through a tough time but i will most def. attempt updating more. fo'sho.
in the meantime... i have other stories!
in order in which was written.
to begin: (i highly suggest you read askthelovers.)
1. Janeisdead- (completed.)
2. Forgetdecember- (this one, duh.)
3. notlookingback- (it's a sweet love story.)
4. dontlookdown- (going to begin soon.)
*5. askthelovers- (a lot of chapters, getting really really good, ill admit, im proud of myself.) |
| 71 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
December 26th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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COULDN'T STAY TO WATCH ME CRY
YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE TIME.
Jamie went with me to the doctor's office this time. My mother thought she had been through enough, but she had no idea what I was going through.
I felt like whatever was living inside me was going to die by itself, and everything was all my fault. Jamie opened the glass door for me as I stepped inside, shaking. "Relax..." she whispered.
As Jamie filled out papers for me at the front desk, I saw the doctor who attempted an abortion on me. I ran to him. "Hi, do you remember me?" He paused for a second, his eyes narrowing, searching for a name. "Ah, yes. Lorraine." He realized.
"I just wanted to ask..." and suddenly my voice became as shaky as my hands. "...what happened?"
He sighed. "Come with me."
I motioned a "hold on a sec" look to Jamie who stood dumbfounded.
He led me to a small blue room which was colder than it looked. "Okay." He began. "...This could cost me my job... I realized how badly you wanted your baby. It was your decision, not mine." He stood placidly, looking over his shoulder after every word. "...and now you have to go to your family doctor and get your pre-natal vitamins and you are in dire need of a checkup... if you don't get one, you AND your baby are... gone." |
| 101 hit(s) |
(4 comments) |
let you drown.
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blank. |
December 17th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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hello, lovers.
this story is moving along quite quickly. when you notice a delay... it means all the inspiration is building up.. meaning i'll post several chapters at a time. i'm continuing this story...
yet i made two others...
askthelovers
(this one is going by quite slowly and i will start over when the inspiration kicks in. but i will finish this one.... or should i say, start it.)
and notlookingback
(this one is based on an almost true story. not all the events are true, but i'm getting it from a real life thing currently happening. its highly exaggerated, though.)
and for all the people who copy stories as their own... these are copyrighted unfourtunatly for you. |
| 93 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
December 13th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE PARANOID, DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT AFTER YOU.
James drove me home, but my mom was already waiting outside. James drove away while my mother stared, disapointed.
"The doctor called."
Was all she said.
"Okay?" I tried to move past her, but she blocked my way.
"Yes?" I said a little more defiantly than I should have.
"The abortion went wrong."
My eyes burned, and it wasn't from last night.
"...what?"
She was extremly stern, as if this was my fault. She held the phone in her crossed hands, pointing it to me while she talked.
"They called," she began, "basically, you're still pregnant. Stupid bastards. They want you to go there immediatly for some stupid reasons. And it's too late to have a real abortion." She sneered.
I recalled last night. The drugs, the glass, bleeding, alcohol, vomit, James, Josh...
Me and my baby are going to die. |
| 100 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
December 13th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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SO GUILTY, I'M SO EMPTY.
I woke up in someone's bed at this... party. James was sleeping next to me so I knew I was safe. He awoke.
"Hey, beautiful."
I smiled.
"Hi, James. What happened?"
But I know nothing happened.
He streched while saying "You drank like a madman after all that coke and you passed out on someone. Heh. Don't worry, you're safe. And here..."
He handed me a pill for my massive hangover and some water.
"Thanks, James."
"Welcome, babes."
He crawled back into bed with me. "Josh came over a while after I put you to bed. He got really upset seeing you like this, and knowing that I was there and he wasn't."
Suddenly I felt like throwing up. And I did. Over and over and over, before I fell asleep on the bathroom floor. |
| 81 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
December 13th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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YOU KNOW ALL THE LIES THEY TOLD YOU, AND ALL THE LOVE YOU NEVER KNEW.
"Here ya go, buddy... Best shit in town."
"Thanks, I answered." He might as well said "Here, have some more fuck up." Aaron passed me a large tabletop with some white powder spread across it. Coke. I see nothing has changed. But whatever. I needed something, I deserved it.
"Wait a sec..." Someone said, while sprinking bits of glass into the coke. Being a regular ex-coke user, I asked, stupidly.
"And what will that do?"
The female which provided the glass did not seem surprised. "It cuts up the inside of your nose when you inhale so the coke gets inside your blood, therefore giving you a better high, darling."
"Oh." |
| 73 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
|
|
And if you see her. |
December 11th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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PROMISED YOU THAT I'D BE TRUE.
"hello? One second. LORRAINE, PICK UP YOUR PHONE."
The phone rang for me, whatever happened to all my friends?
"Hello?" Who would be calling me?
"Lulu, it's Jamie. What's up, man? I miss you. Are you busy today?"
"Jamie I miss you too! No, I'm not busy today, are you?"
"Awesome," she paused "wanna hang out?"
"Hahah yeah sure." I said while running my fingers over the scars from the side of my face. The scars that haven't healed from the accident.
And so we carried onto regular conversation.
"Man, you missed a lot, Kaytie has a really hot boyfriend now, Josh misses you a lot, he's been really down lately. Mann!!! We gotta get some hookah and shmoke some wwwwwwwwweed like the good times." She laughed.
I laughed weakly. "Uh... yeah."
I hadn't looked into a mirror as much as I used to, not since I passed out from my reflection in the hospital. I began taking out makeup and paused, standing, realizing I completly forgot how to put makeup on. It's been so long. "Jesus..." I whispered while looking over eyeliner.
By the time Jamie got to my house, she let herself in and walked upstairs, suddenly stopping abruptly. "HAHAHA! Lulu, you poor thing!"
I stood, skeptical with random blotches of color on my face, eyeliner not lining my eyes, eyeshadow in my cheeks, looking like a tiny girl. But that's not what I was thinking about. It was Jamie. I forgot her too. I barely remembered her face. She stood with a tight turquoise top, her boobs shaped pretty perfectly, thanks for daddy's payment to plastic surgery, and black pants. Beautiful Jamie. How could I forget.
"Lemmie do your makeup, hun."
"Yeah I need your help, obviously. Hahah." Suddenly things didn't seem so bad anymore.
As she covered my scars with concealer, she spoke about how hot Kaytie's boyfriend was and how she secretly made out with him at Matt's house, she spoke about Todd and how he made a move on Regina in front of her girlfriend, how guys just don't that some girls are lesbian, etc. She took a long drag staring at my makeup when she was done, kinda leaning on one foot. Smoke blew from her perfect lips. "Beautiful." She said, "Go look."
Mirrors are mean. I hated them. But I looked anyway.
I never looked so beautiful, it never meant so much to me. "Aw man..." I whispered. Flawless.
She smiled, puffing out smoke circles. I coughed.
"You gained weight, kiddo!"
I looked down at my stomache. "Uh, yeah... Ya know, I couldn't go out for a run lately." Trying to think of a fairly good and honest excuse.
She rubbed my waist and giggled, "Nooo it's cute!"
"Haha.." I forced a laugh. |
| 76 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
|
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And if you see her. |
December 10th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T LOVE YOU IN ALL THIS CHAOS.
If I didn't have the photographs, I would think I imagined it all. I came across a black and white photo of my dog and I at the beach. It was at the beach house we didn't have anymore. Another was at a party at my house and a picture of Jena and her boyfriend making out before I had a fight with her and never spoke to her again. The other was of a family get-together with John and his wife before she died of cancer. Another was of my mother when her hair was still short. The ones of Mary before she died. Ex boyfriends. Before losing my virginity. After losing my virginity. Going through my punk stage. Friends I've had fights with, friends I've lost contact with. The house we sold because we couldn't afford it anymore. My uncle before he got married and forgot about everyone else. My cousins I've never met.
My life before my life. |
| 76 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
December 10th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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CAUSE ALL I MISSED, WASN'T THAT GOOD TO BEGIN WITH.
In abortion clinics I learned they do not allow you to leave out of the front door, but the nurses force you to leave from the backdoor. They did this because they didn't want anyone to see how terrible you look after a baby had been sucked out of your vagina. While being led out of the backdoor, the doctor who preformed the previous event grabbed my shoulder, reasurringly. "Don't worry about it, it'll get better." He said flatly. I smiled fakely.
"Obviously, doctor, you've never had an abortion before." |
| 75 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
December 10th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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LIKE YOU DIDN'T SEE IT COMING.
"Pan is nap backwards."
I was on the floor staring at Mary. Many many years before she died. Blonde locks of her thin hair moved in the direction of the wind as she looked down at me. She took my hand and lifted me from the ground. We were in the flower patch in my grandfather's backyard. Months before he had a heart attack. It must have been a flashback but I don't remember it ever happening.
"...nervousness, probably concerning the current situation..." Nurse "Bethany" stopped abruptly and turned her face to me, relieved to see me come to conciousness. My mother looked extremly agitated with her impatientness growing. Suddenly the doctor came in, or the "abortionist" or "murderer" or whatever they were. I began crying. "No, no. No. No." I cracked. The nurse without a name tag stared at me with a strange understanding, then suddenly "M'am?" My mother looked to the anonymous nurse. She paused and said "I think it'd be best if you left the room and left this to us."
She sighed. "Very well." And walked out, dejectedly. The doctor with the foreign tools in his hand stared at me, but not exactly looking. He smiled. I would've smiled back out of habit if I didn't feel like throwing up. Suddenly, he began, while tears continued erupting from my eyes, 100 per second. I cried so hard I felt nothing, but when it was over, i threw up all over myself. |
| 67 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
December 7th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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IF I FALL.
I could feel the cold tile floor through my shoes. The white walls echoed sadness through my ears. And emptiness. That's what I was going to be, soon. Empty.
My eyes and head grew dizzy as we walked to the nurse. I couldn't read her name tag from where I was, but it felt as if she was moving farther away, although she was constant in her chair at the front desk. Suddenly, my legs twisted, my head turning in another direction, with the feeling of my mother's nails driving into my skin, attempting to hold me up, but I couldn't, and I collided headfirst with the iced tiles underneath me. |
| 69 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
December 7th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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I LOVE YOU.
I don't know how she did it, but she got me into the car. We drove down and down. The longest ride of my life. It was silent, of course. But if I could, I would run until my legs died out all over again. But I couldn't. She would only find me again. The radio wasn't on, but I didn't need it. My mind played the words of a song I knew. One I heard a very long time ago.
"I like the peace
In the backseat
I don't have to drive
I don't have to speak
I can watch the countryside
And i can fall asleep
My family tree's
Losing all it's leaves
Crashing towards the driver's seat
The lightning bolt had enough heat
To melt the street beneath your feet
Alice died
In the night
I've been learning to drive
My whole life
My whole life
I've been learning"
But then I realized we were there.
AARDEKIA ABORTION CLINIC.
The words spat in my face.
My mother got out of the car, pretending to understand. I sat in the car and she went inside, her heels clicking loudly with excitement. She wanted this so bad; wanted my lesson to be learned.
I watched the leaves depart the trees and realized which one let go. A perfectly good green leaf that couldn't hold on forever.
"Losing all it's leaves. crashing towards the driver's seat"
But it didn't make any sense. I don't know what I'm thinking. Maybe this temporary pregnancy is making me crazy. But I didn't have time to figure it out.
"Come on. They're ready for you, Lorraine."
My eye blinked a thousand tears. |
| 72 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
|
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And if you see her. |
December 5th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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WATCHING THE ONES YOU LOVE SLIP AWAY FROM YOU.
As time went on, nobody seemed to notice I was in a wheelchair. I guess they didn't care. Apparently, nobody realized I was pregnant, but they simply assumed I had gained weight from my injury and lack of movement in the wheelchair.
Over the week I realized my sudden urge to use the restroom. Sometimes, twice or three times in one class. It was even more difficult to get there in a chair.
One day I reached the rest room. Surprisingly, there was no girls there smoking or looking in the mirror, trying to pass the time by during class. I was alone. Just the way I liked it. I stood and walked casually to the stall, not realizing what I had done. Flushing the toliet, I stood staring at the water. "Oh my god." Immediatly I jumped and felt my feet touch the ground. I paced out of the stall and spun around until I couldnt see. It was a feeling stronger than drugs or any type of high I've experienced. But it was a feeling of my own, an indescribable dizziness erupting from my mind. I was so happy that I suddenly threw up. But I couldn't stop laughing... and laughing... and laughing. |
| 76 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
|
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And if you see her. |
December 5th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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ITS HARD TO SAY I WAS WRONG. ITS HARD TO SAY I MISS YOU.
"Come on. Get up." He whispered.
We were in the middle of the school. It was about 6:30. For some reason, he needed to see me earlier than usual.
Then suddenly, Josh's muscular arms wrapped around my waist, lifting me up to the ground.
"You have to try walking."
"I can't... I can't do it."
He watched me sit back down again, his patience suddenly turning into frustration.
"Lorraine...HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU DONT EVER FUCKING TRY?!"
He began screaming at me as I sat, the little helpless one in a wheelchair. I wonder what everyone would think of me.
"Excuse me..." spoke an older man. A teacher.
We both turned to him, annoyed by his rude interruption.
"Is this man bothering you?"
I looked at Josh and exhaled.
"No. He's not."
There is a girl in my drama class. Her name was Jennifere Cooby. A name which would never be remembered. A name which would never make the lights. A dreamless actress. She spent every free second reading as the rest of us went into our little groups without her. She never seemed to care. I wondered if she had any friends. Each time I saw her, it was with a different book, each a novel. A novel which she lived in, because dreams were always better than reality. |
| 72 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
|
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And if you see her. |
December 5th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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I THINK MY LIFE JUST LOST ALL MEANING.
The wheels under me slowly creaked as they lifted the wheelchair to the house. It was a slight case of devastation when I realized nothing at home had changed. I thought maybe other things could have potential to change. Apparently not.
My mother has been giving me dirty looks every time my stomache reminds her of what was growing inside. As the weeks past, an abortion would be held off. My mother suddenly began to worry if it would ever happen at all. I would go back to school on Monday. When I reached my last thursday at home, I gained the ability to stand. The ground felt shaky under my cold feet. I lifted the bottom of my shirt to my shoulders and stared. A highly distinct lump enlarged my skin above my thighs. Some girls would've been disgusted with the recent weight gain that naturally occurs with pregnancy, but not me. I suddenly locked the door and stripped off all my clothes and smiled a smile that couldn't fit on my face. My heart was smiling, itself. |
| 74 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
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blank. |
November 26th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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made another story.
its called askthelovers.
its about a molester.
and if you kids are a little behind, i have another story which i just finished, which is called
janeisdead.
and you still suck for never leaving comments. you know, i should make this 'friends only' because those who dont comment dont deserve to read anything. you suck.
and those who do comment, thank you. without you, there is no story. you rock. and sorry for being bitchy. |
| 88 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
let you drown.
|
|
And if you see her. |
November 12th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES WHEN I TELL THEM SHE PASSED AWAY.
And every morning I would awaken and the first thoughts that came to my mind were "I'm pregnant!" Then suddenly interrupted... by "But not for long." What kind of mother askes her daughter, to kill her womb?
My mother.
The young, attractive doctor with the dark hair named "John" came to my room this time. He was the youngest, and most in touch with reality and life.
"Alright, up." He smiled.
"Ok..." I strained to get up on purpose, so he could put his arms around me.
And he did.
I couldn't stop smiling.
The cold tile floor touched my feet for the first time in forever. But I couldn't hold myself up. My spirit when down with my legs as I hit the floor. |
| 94 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
let you drown.
|
|
And if you see her. |
November 12th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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ITS A TOTAL LIE, BUT IT'S EASIER ON ME.
OR MAYBE I JUST LIKE THE SYMPATHY.
My mother stood senseless by my bedside. "So the doctors told me what happened."
I have heard that sentence countless times.
"You almost lost the baby." She spoke spiritlessly.
I nodded.
"I wish you had."
"What?" I couldn't understand.
"Honey, you cannot have a baby." She said as defiantly as possible. "You still have to finish highschool... you have to go to college..." and she had tears in her eyes, suddenly jumping to conclusions... "nobody will want to marry you, and you're so beautiful... don't waste yourself."
She had been crying hysterically.
Nobody wanted this. Nobody wanted this.
"Fine, mom."
She looked hopeful, listening hard.
"I'll have an abortion."
She smiled.
"Thank you... oh... thank you." |
| 73 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
|
|
And if you see her. |
November 12th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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WHERE THE DARKNESS MEETS THE LIGHT.
"So they told me what happened."
"Yeah..." I whispered. I didn't know whether being pregnant was supposed to be a burden.
But I pretended it was.
"So what are we going to do?"
This question that Josh just asked, made my legs feel like the improvement in them had completly dissapeared.
"What are you suggesting?" I questioned.
He paused.
"Do you want it?"
"Do you mean..." I articulated.
"...abortion?" He finished.
I gasped. "No, no.... not an abortion...."
"What?! Are you serious?" Josh couldn't believe what was processed through his brain.
"Come on we can't have a baby." He complained.
He was acting like a baby.
It was at that moment I felt like I didn't love him anymore. I had to convince myself that I did. I had to remember the times he made me smile, not the times he ruined me. My mind suddenly turned skeptical.
And then I had tears in my eyes.
"How could you ever ask me to do something like that?"
Josh showed no ounce of sympathy, because he knew he'd get left behind.
He wanted all the attention. He wanted Lorraine. He didn't want some inane baby to get in the way. He wanted to live his life with Lorraine first... wanted to marry her... then stay with her, alone... maybe a year or two, before they had a baby. When they were ready. But this wasn't in Josh's plan. He didn't want it this way.
I thought he was the most selfish person in the world.
Josh suddenly paced over to my bedside and kneeled down, clasping my hands in his, his eyes hopeful.
I thought he was going to propose all over again.
"Please, please have an abortion."
My smile faded.
Then I closed my eyes because I didn't want to see him leave the room. |
| 89 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
|
|
And if you see her. |
November 3rd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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AND IF WE CUT OUT THE BAD, WELL THEN WE'D HAVE NOTHING LEFT.
"How long has the bleeding been taking place?"
"19 days."
"Mmmmhmh... and how long ago was your last period?"
"Uhm, 32 days ago."
"Mm, yes. And how far along are you?"
"Excuse me?"
The 37-year old doctor eyed me and smiled. "I mean how many months are you?"
I could tell this was on very delicate ground.
"Miss... Let me rephrase this. You're pregnant, how far along are you? To be clear..."
I lay blankly staring, my expression solid.
Another doctor walked in. This one, much older, and more quick tempered. He paced toward my hospital bed and questioned impatiently "Why didn't you inform us that you were pregnant?!"
"I-"
"Did you know that the medications" his voice quicked "you are currently taking are highly dangerous if consumed by the inappropriate individual, especially a pregnant one?"
"N-"
He began yelling.
Nurses ran in yelling frantically. One especially, with red hair and blue gloves, stabbed a shot into me.
Then everything went black.
|
| 81 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
|
|
And if you see her. |
November 3rd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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JUST HOW YOU WANTED.
I realized blood was leaking out of me. This, carried on for several days. I figured it was the medicine I was taking.
It wasn't.
My mother made me go to the hospital again. So I sat there waiting as the nurses took tests.
"Miss? I'm afraid we're going to have to keep your daughter, uhm... Lorraine? In for two more days to run some tests. Currently she is off her medication, but the good news is that she will be walking soon. The condition is not permenant."
I almost died of happiness at that exact moment. But the feeling deep inside my body kept me awake all night. |
| 86 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
October 26th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.
It was then at the worst moment he found me.
He was laughing, and embarrassment quickly vanished away from my thoughts.
"Come here, sexy." He whispered, suddenly carrying me out of my only use of transportation. With my arms tied around his neck, he pretended to drop me quickly, letting go for a split second, which felt like 1000 needles of fear springing through me, before he held on again. I began giggling, but soon stopped.
"You should be walking by, now, huh?"
"Uh..." I faked counting.
"Yeah, I should be."
He soon changed my body form so that he was holding me up by my waist.
"Ok, try."
This time, when he let go,
I fell. |
| 102 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
October 26th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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MAYBE THAT'S WHEN YOU WILL KNOW.
"Ok, I'm done. I'm leaving, bye!"
She waved goodbye, though I wasn't finished. What does she know?
The only thing I remembered about that day was slowly "rolling" in my wheelchair to the park. I began to wonder if Josh was breaking up with me. His voice signaled nervousness over the phone wires. I looked and found nothing except families and children. I felt embarrassed, suddenly.
I began counting the days rapidly in my head. 12...no, 14.
Oh god.
Two weeks and I'm not walking. |
| 76 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
October 26th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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I CAN'T STOP THE SPIRAL INTO THE DRAINING OF MY HEART.
Going back to the joint-smokers and the whores and all my superficial friends was never the same. I sat in my class giggling and throwing bits of paper at Kaytie, while Jamie ran about. These people made me happy. I was already happy. But what about when I was sad? What about when I was in the hospital?
I wasn't "there" but niether were they. |
| 81 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
October 26th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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AND EVERYTHING SLOWS DOWN, I WAS WISHING I COULD GET OUT OF THIS TOWN.
"I'm gonna get you out of here."
I giggled. "Yeah, ok, Josh. I'm already leaving."
"Oh." His hopes to impress me sank.
It was at that moment my mother walked in.
"Alright, we can leave now. Let's get you in this," she grunted, "...wheelchair," she exhaled while helping me into the metallic chair.
"Thanks." I inhaled.
The docotor looked satisfied. He granted my mother the pills and liquids for medication on my "road to recovery," as he loved to put it. He turned to me and smiled sweetly.
"And don't worry," he pinched my chin, "the paralyzation is only temparary. Two more weeks and you'll KICK," he emphasized "it away!"
For some reason, I believed nothing he said. |
| 73 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
October 26th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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AND IF I HURT YOU, THEN I'M SORRY.
Dead, or so I thought, I lay there, listening hard to everything they whispered.
"...fell into the coma immediatly after..."
parts were cut off.
"...viewing her now disfigured face in the mirror..."
I heard unusual noises coming from the left side of me. I concluded it was the removal of the hideous mirror.
Or what made the mirror hideous.
A coma was summed up in a version of falling in and out of sleep with your eyes closed. From the statements overheard, I realized my vision grew hazy from the formation of my new and unimproved face. Though you wouldn't know it, laying there not moving, unexpressionless, eyes closed,
I was scared shitless. |
| 76 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
October 25th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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"Do you have any allergic reactions or unusual traits involving the reactment to certain medicines?"
"No."
"Are you pregnant and/or have STDS, HIV, AIDS, etc.?"
"No."
"Are there any certain medications you cannot take?"
"Not that I know of."
"Okay. By signing here, you are confirming and verifying that all the following information is correct, and if medications alter in their purpose, it is not the responsibility of the hospital, nor the particular doctor and/or nurses for the patient indicated for not having filled in the correct spaces for the appropriate medications concering unknown health problems and/or reasons."
"Uh...ok?"
I signed it. Barely moving. Or even thinking.
I was unaware how long I was in the hospital bed, but I slept the entire time.
I awoke to the faint smell of medicine and absence. The walls were gray, and coveted with nothing in decor. Beside me were several different medications being pumped into my arm. The other side, hung the curtain. Closed. I pulled it open and gasped immediatly at who I saw.
There was a girl, possibly not even the mere age of 17. I have never seen her in my life. She had bits of glass fitted into her skin and her legs seemed to be wrapped and immovable. She scared the shit out of me, personally. Not because her face and body was covered in dried blood, not because she looked paralyzed, and not because she looked extremly injured to be human. But because this girl was looking directly at me too.
I was scared because I was looking in a mirror. |
| 97 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
October 25th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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Last I remember they were yelling statements near my ears. I was barely concious of the event going on around me. All remembered was a faint light flashing before my retina. I thought I was dead, and now, I wish I was.
"Come on get 'er up." A man said.
Voices were growing fainter around me and lighting breaking into my lids were decreasing.
They lifted me up from my underarms, aware I was somewhat acute from the condition I was in.
"It's the worst I've ever seen in a car accident." Said one doctor.
"I'll say." Said another.
Students were chatting loudly and quickly.
But mostly nervously.
I didn't hear my friends attempting to break into the crowd. They were screaming though.
But that wasn't important.
My eyes were slits in opening. They slowly lifted me up to my feet. But I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel my feet.
I couldn't feel anything. |
| 97 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
let you drown.
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blank. |
October 17th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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don't worry.
it's not over yet.
oh no.
this is only the beginning. |
| 99 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
October 17th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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BEEN DREAMING OF THIS SO LONG, BUT WE ONLY EXIST IN THIS SONG.
I wasted no time in gathering my things and practically sprinting out of my school. My car had been exactly where I had left it. I immediatly ran, but fell nowhere.
"Where are you going?"
Damnit.
It had been the first time I had been caught skipping school; this was the only time which I felt I needed to.
"Uh, I was goin t-"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Detention. After school. Till 4:00"
"Bu-" he cut me off once again.
"Since you spoke, make it 5:00," spoke his unforgiving voice.
The rest of the day went by rather slowly, but extremly frustrating. I didn't want to risk skipping detention. My rather large teacher let me leave ten minutes early to walk across the school, considering the Pavilion was on the other side of the building. There was nobody, making everything look deserted. I reached the main staircase, steps which I've walked across countless times, which I've never bothered to count. It was then I trudged across the asphalt which the cars passed through. I was no longer thinking about the very possible chance of pregnancy, or the hours in detention soon to be served. It was the first time I was actually thinking about nothing. Maybe this is what all people think about before dying.
It was then the car crashed into me. |
| 88 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
October 17th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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AND ALL THE DRUGS IN THE WORLD WON'T GET US BACK UP AGAIN
CAUSE WE USED TO BE ON TOP OF THE WORLD.
Despite my attempts to deny the event that happened, all the lies in the world couldn't fool myself.
I loved Josh. But I hated what he had done to me. Several thoughts raced through my head. I went back to the moments which felt like so long ago. I went back to the feelings of virginity and chastity. Back when I was a child. Then I began to wonder if a child really was growing inside me. What if I do? My future is over. Oh god, everything is over. My mind scanned my overfilled brain with not yet proven thoughts. I felt myself begin to panic, feeling my body decreasing temerature. Freezing, I put on my jacket, and continued with frightening thoughts, flooding my mind and overpowering my brain.
Then the bell rang. Though I have heard it countless times before, this time, it was different.
It took me a long time to realize I wasn't breathing.
I was wearing two jackets by the time I got to the restroom which smelled strongly of marijuana and a pugnent smell of womanly fluids. Stepping into the stall, I prayed my period would come. I knew it was unlikely, but I hoped, so this stupid theory of a fetus developing inside me would be erased.
I stepped out of the stall, with a flushed face. I shook my head, dissapointed, letting the cold water wash over my sordid hands. Still freezing, I took off the heavy sweaters and looked at myself, attempting to smile and relax myself. Pulling up my sleeves, I stopped abruptly, staring directly at my underarms concealed in my long-sleeved shirt. Nobody else had taken notice, for everyone had been putting on heavy makeup and candy-pink lipstick. But that wasn't important.
I was sweating profusely and I had been freezing. |
| 91 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
October 12th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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WE'RE GETTING HIGH, BUT WE'RE STILL FEELING DOWN, GRAVITY HAS IT'S WAY OF PINNING US TO THE GROUND.
Aftersex: the scariest moment of all. More frightening than not using a condom. More terrorizing than not checking for AIDS.
Or HIV.
Or herpes.
School changed from black to faded grey overnight. Not realizing, but knowing where I was walking, I turned sluggishly into the hallway, with my mind hazy, with everything turning to a faint shade of white. I countinued struggling to calculus.
Sitting down had no effect on my drowsiness. I found myself continuosly repeating "You'll find out after school. You'll find out a..." But the words didn't matter, because I didn't know, and I needed to know.
Several numbers, letters, and indescribable symbols lay in front of my pupils as my eyelids began to close. Several thoughts began to flash my mind, repeating, repeating. It was then I found myself staring at the students. They were all fixated on writing notes they would never look at, listening to a form of reality they would never need in their futures. I began to question if I did have a future. We were all the same; living in a curriculum of young, innocent females, knowing more they could fit into their minds. We existed to witness the pugnant smell of virginity, too precious to lose before the blessing of marriage. But I am no longer the same. I became different the minute he took me. I am a disgrace and I will never be the same. |
| 88 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
September 18th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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I LOVE YOU FOR WHAT I AM NOT.
His eyes opened and immediatly found mine.
His smiled warmed my body and i've never felt the same.
"Will you marry me?"
"Oh my god." |
| 100 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
September 18th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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THEY CALL IT SEX, BUT NEVER LOVE.
The shower refilled my body with energy and I felt incredible. I walked over to the sink and looked in the mirror. I applied the makeup I always kept at his house and put on his bathrobe. I loved how it smelled like him. Opening the door and watching him with his eyes closed, sleeping soundly was the thing I loved most in the world.
Now it was even better.
He's so beautiful when he's sleeping.
Sometimes I wish he'd never wake. |
| 94 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
let you drown.
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And if you see her. |
September 18th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT YOU THINK...IF YOU EVER THINK AT ALL.
I crawled into the shower and turned on the water. I had noticed many random bruises on my legs and arms. Even my breasts. It was as if I had been beaten. The cold water brought back the entire night in a flashback. We were kissing quickly, breathlessly, passionatly.
I immediatly remembered everything.
We were against the wall which gave me all the bruises, unintentionally. I felt nothing except incredible lust. It almost made me feel disusting remincing about it. But it seemed absolutaly beautiful at the exact same time. I loved him and I regretted nothing.
But it hurt.
|
| 93 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
let you drown.
|
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And if you see her. |
September 18th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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AND WHAT YOU ARE IS BEAUTIFUL.
I must have decided to do it because I awoke and I was in his bed. Laying in my bra in his bed and watching him sleep would never leave my mind. It happened extremly quickly and I could not exactly comprehend the event. I remembered nothing. Trying to re-create the situation, I grasped a nearby towel, wrapped it loosely around my waist and stood. I took one step and fell down immediatly. My legs refused to work. In fact, my whole lower body was aching. I clutched the towel tighter and attempted to crawl into his bathroom by grabbing the beige carpet. I finally reached it. It smelled strongly of detergent. I had been in there several times, but this time, it smelled stronger than usual, and I felt weaker with every breath. I tried to stand but I couldn't feel my legs, so I reached for the sink and I pulled myself up. I forced my head up to my reflection. My face reflected the way I felt.
"Lorraine?" he spoke tiredly but alertly.
"Yeah, Josh." I answered quickly.
"Are you alright, babe?"
"Mmhmh.."
I hate lying.
It was then I looked at my towel.
It was now red. |
| 90 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
let you drown.
|
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And if you see her. |
September 11th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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I GUESS IT'S OKAY I PUKED THE DAY AWAY.
"You're going."
"I'm not going."
"I SAID YOU'RE FUCKING GOING."
My mother is crazy and everyone loves her. She threw me in the car, yelling straight in my face. She drove in a fierce fit of anger and stopped abruptly on a red light. I couldn't go to the fucking funeral. I began staring outside the window, thinking hard. It was now or never. I opened the car door and ran out onto the street, not stopping for my mother's screams. If I were to go back, she'd run me over of madness. I must have ran far because I didn't know where I was going.
And then I stopped, and puked continously.
|
| 121 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
let you drown.
|
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And if you see her. |
September 11th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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YOU AND ME ARE LIKE ONE HEARTBEAT.
I turned my face to her. Her face was a frightening shade of white, with black etched into her eyes. The room was quiet, until her laboured breathing came to my ears, unusually, I was the only one that heard it. It was then that Mary turned her head to me. I would have asked if she was alright, but it was too complex looking into her eyes. She stood extremely slowly, the class staring at her, what she was about to say was much more important than the test we were all taking.
"Mrs. Harrison?" she breathed.
The teacher stared at her, about to yell at her for speaking during a test, except Mary's face spoke it for her.
"I think my heart stopped beating."
It was at that moment that Mary fell and died.
I didn't even notice everybody screaming. |
| 113 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
let you drown.
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This is all I'm asking. |
September 11th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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Hello, children. Another story once again... My first was JaneisDead.. and now I'm posting another... they are both copyrighted, of course. This one is the opposite of JaneisDead. In JaneisDead, the main character, Eryn, goes crazy. In ForgetDecember, the main character, Lorraine, is normal, but everyone goes insane.
muahahahah....
i usually post every three days.. maybe even two. but if i dont get comments then, no entries. |
| 112 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
let you drown.
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