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latley |
May 16th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: incubas_wish you were here
Feeling: content
Wow...so much has happened since I last wrote. Isn't it strange how life goes on? Isn't it strange how before you know it the end of a period is over and another one is already half way through. Louie will be 3 years old in November, and baby Brayden will be 1 in october. I don't even know if I wrote in here what our lil man's name was going to be...but as you see it is Brayden. I learning how to live again...after mearly surviving for so long. I long for my life to become a better home...and the happyness grows as does God inside my soul as the days go on. I'm learning how to be free and to be a loving mother and wife at the same time. I want to channel my inner thoughts for all to see. I don't care if no one wants to listen and I don't care if people try to hurt me because they will never suceed because I have the lord on my side and I will use his name to move mountains. I want to cause a breakthrough. Alot of people in my life have juged me incorrectly. The believed that juzt because I am ignorant. I may not know how to spell but I can learn. I may not know much about grammer, but I can learn. They can never learn the experiences that I have had, and they can never be me. I want to help make the world a better place again...and I still have no clue how...but I'm working on it. I love incubas...their words really make me think. Their music feels like me...it feels like home. I want to open my arms up to all that I am and who I can be. Everything that I was can wash away. No one is perfict, and believe me I'm far from it...I juzt want to be as close to Jesus and God as I can be. I senceraly want to make a difference, and I don't want to be afraid anymore. With all the horrable things going on in todays life I want to revert back to the past. I want to live from the bible and not from the words of man. I put my faith in God and in my familey...never again will I trust the hands of human kind, for we are an evil creature and must curve our wicked ways. I will embrace love and happyness. I will worship my God, our Lord Jesus Christ and surrender my soul to no man. My heart belongs to James and our souls are ment to be together, but they are owned only by God. I know that I am a walking contradiction sometimes, but that's how you have to be in live to be just and to be balanced. You have to base your life from minent to minent and situation to situation. I lift my life up to you Lord, and let those who will join you and may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven...Amean. |
| 136 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Clown Luv
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Why?????????? |
August 19th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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Why do we juzt sit by and watch the innicent die? Why don't we juzt reach out a hand? I can't take this shit anymore. How can people be so uncarring? How can people cause such pain? I don't understand the world or the people who inhabit it. Why must we watch children cry? Why does abuse have to happen over and over again? I can't get the face of that beautiful little girl out of my mind. I saw her on myspace. She was killed by her step father from blunt force to the chest. How could her mother juzt stand by and watch??? What the fuck is wrong with the world??? How the hell could this ever happen? Everything will be gone one day. That little girl is gone. What if she was my child??? What if Kenndal desided that he had to find a way out of child support, or he got mad at Louie??? How can you trust anyone when the world is so cold? And DSS, what the fuck do they know??? They could have killed me plenty of times. They never fucking listen to the children. Why does no one take their side??? I wish that their was something I could do. I juzt don't understand this fucked up world. Why would you ever give a child abuser a second chance??? Why would you ever risk a childs life like that??? Even if they manage to survive, how will they ever trust anyone again? Dss is supose to be their to help children, that's supose to be their man consern. Why do they always seem to side with the parents? Why does no one listen to the children. I know how if feels to be that little girl. I was that little girl. She screamed the same screams that I screamed. She could have been me. Why does no one listen??? Why does no one fucking care??? Their arn't enough tears to shead over juzt her one little life! What about all of the millions of other children who no one would listen to? What about the ones like her who never made it??? What about the ones like me who have to suffer with trust issues with everyone, because no one was there to listen when they were young??? What about the ones like me who fear everyday that someone will hurt them again, and who sometimes even believe that's all they desirve. Why does this have to happen??? Why can't we juzt take it all away??? Why is one time of abuse never enough to make the pain go away forever??? Why arn't children taken away and never giver back the first time??? Why do they always wate until it's too late??? Why does the world allow children to die??? |
| 53 hit(s) |
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Clown Luv
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My poems from poetry.com |
August 11th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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"Forever"
Why won't you leave?
Yes, why do you stay?
I love you so much!
Please, promise, you'll not stray!
Tell me that you love.
I don't care if it's a lie.
Tell me that you care.
Tell me that you'll die,
with me,
in my little world.
Tell me that you love,
forever isn't enough!
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
"Hurt"
Hurt,
I am.
I feel his kiss.
Does he love me?
Is this just a dream?
Why do I do this?
Why am I, who I am?
I don't wont to live!
I don't wont to die!
Go away!
Get out of my mind!
To the voices inside,
please leave me be!
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
"Keep Holding My Hand"
Keep holding my hand.
You make me feel loved.
In your eyes,
I see hunger,
for me, and nothing more.
Lying in your arms,
I feel safe, so warm.
I'm crying, in your hart.
Please, lets never part!
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
4-Ever
I want to be with you forever,
yet foragers no such thing.
I want to be with you forever,
but love is just a game.
I want to be with you forever,
yet I feel so damn ashamed!
How could I have ever looked at another,
When forever I've loved you?
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Alive
I'm still here world!
I still need love!
I'm still alive!
Open up to me.
Show me who you are,
Lover of mine.
Leap into my arms.
Make me whole again.
Show me truth,
But hide my pain.
Vanish this fear in my heart.
I want to love you,
Whoever you are.
I want the right one.
I want you.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Ashley
Ashley's eyes gaze upon me.
From that comfort I do seek.
When I hear her speak my name,
I feel her lips grays my cheek.
No greater beauty in this world,
in life or death shall I meet.
I cry at night and hope she knows,
that it is her love I long to keep.
Her soul speaks right to me,
for without her I feel so bleak.
I cringe to know that she can lay,
without me in bed and sleep.
Although I droned in pools of tears,
my love for her I dare not speak.
Her beauty kills me day by day,
as lion's kill the week.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Beauty
Beauty blinds,
the wicked look in her eyes.
No tear, she cries,
as her mother slowly dies.
Murder those who are not right.
Make then fear the saviors light.
She haunts her prey in the night.
Death from touch, there was no fight.
Cringe I do, from her icy glare, of hate.
Each eye, the key to hell's pits gate.
Hand in hand she is my mate.
In death, no matter this is my fate.
I cry to her, she soothes my sighs.
Drowned I do, in her ocean blue eyes.
She calls to me, from clouded sky's.
In no life shall I tell her lies.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Death Touch
Knock on the door,
of the ones before,
but touch nit the will of life.
Build the fire,
that's built to burn,
but hold back when you feel the heat.
Feel the kiss,
that draws you in,
but never touch her again.
Love the girl,
that stole your hart,
but die as she kills it too.
Cry for pain,
when she holds you close,
but weep when she lets you go.
No matter what is done in this life,
when life is at it's best,
she'll put you down, in the ground.
Your death,
shall soothe her soul.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Departure
Ashley, has left me alone.
Her feelings for me, now all gone.
When she laid beside me, asleep,
Her expectation's, I knew, I could never meet.
Now I feel so horribly, ashamed,
for this pain, refuses to stray.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Deprived
Drive me up the walls.
When I sleep I see his face.
It comes to me like times before,
when I was too young to run away.
Afraid, I lye in bed and cry.
I know he'll come back soon.
But It's not him that hold's me down.
I can look past that and be OK.
It's the one that knew and never told,
how her child was raped by the night.
I just wish these thoughts would leave my mind,
For, Justus I will never fully receive!
Yes, I should have told, what she'll never tell.
With this thought, I'm deprived of sleep.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Doors
Lonely,
from without you.
I am hear,
only once.
Your call,
somehow soothes me!
Though I never,
know quite where.
I taste,
the liquid flowing,
from my heart,
and from yours.
Sought upon,
you are,
in my home,
of many doors.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
First Sight
Ashley, my love I long for you,
and oh...the things you put me through.
To see your beauty and not touch,
I cannot stand, it is too much!
I'd fall asleep and cry each night,
for I've longed for you, from first sight.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
I Lye With My Love
I lye with my love in pools of blood.
The darkness pulled us down.
I stair blankly at the wall,
witch holds our souls.
Together we burn in hell!
A kiss of death.
The taste of read.
Our lives not mente to be.
Bound together in blood.
Never have know such love,
yet ours is clear to see!
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
I Peered Inside You
I peered inside you,
and found your heart.
I peered inside you,
and fell apart.
I closed my eyes.
Your kiss I can taste.
Hold you close,
I do in my dreams.
Holding you close,
I'll spend my life it seems.
Longing to hold you,
when your not there.
Longing to hold you.
Please pain, be fair!
I love you today,
and the day before.
Yes, I love you today,
even more!
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Injustice
I taste sweet blood,
in laughter.
Her tears,
so rich to me.
Stumbled upon,
am I.
I break my back,
for only her.
In kindness,
received, there is no return.
I sway,
as before in my empty daze.
Salute after,
yes, she is such a love,
to me.
Swept over,
with loud injustice.
No one cares,
not even me!
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Lead Me
You lead me away,
like death leads the dead.
You get inside of me.
You torture my head.
I loved you once,
and love you now.
All this pain,
you showed me how,
to deal with it,
and yet it stays.
You laugh at me,
in your wicked ways.
You lead me astray,
and I'm longing for light.
You'll try to lead me again.
This time I'll fight.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Lost
Lost without you, hear am I.
Lost and longing for the dead.
You killed our love, it's clear to see.
You lied, you loved, it seems to me.
I do not cry, for all those times,
I've told you, and you've told me, lies.
I've cried for when you've left me be.
I've longed for you to think of me.
You've tried, to take me back.
But this time, fear, I seem to lack!
I've longed for you, and I'm lost without,
your love, I hope, to no longer doubt.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Love's Hate
I love you,
when there is no love,
left to give.
I miss you,
even when I'm with you,
it makes me cringe!
I love you,
so why am I out plotting,
plotting my sweet revenge?
I loth you,
when you look at me,
and don't care to touch.
I hate you,
because I love you,
too damn much!
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Mama
She tells me I am wrong.
She tells me I have hate.
She fells a bowl, full of lies,
and tells me it's my fate.
I cried to her, and she was there,
yet not a finger did she lift.
I screamed her name, she saw it all,
but this, she claims all myth.
She was right, I do have hate!
Hate, for her? Oh yes!
I loved her once, she killed that too.
Dear God I tried my best!
She prolonged the pain.
It was her fault!
My mothers love, for me no good!
When she saw, it should have Ceased!
Oh yes, it was her fault!
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Meagan's Plea
Below she screams her plea.
The secret's no longer safe with me.
Her heart, blazed with desire.
She skims the night for death.
Towering in the sky,
her empire lies far from eye.
Golden locks fall down her back.
The castle contains, but a single crack.
The sky's turn black with hate.
Her blood red with lust.
It taste so good, she feels the pain,
which came from mother's love.
In her hand she takes the soared,
which sleighed her love before.
Her mind is gone. Pain left all alone.
She takes her life with glee.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
My Angel
My angel has fell from the sky.
she looks at me and walks right by.
Possession, I wish of the key,
the key that Leads to her heart.
As her wings healed,
I fell apart.
I held her once,
but she had to fly.
I kissed her wings,
yet hoped they die.
Her kiss I can taste,
so sweet to me.
It's such a shame.
She left me be.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Near
The end is near.
I know,
for I feel no pain.
The end is near.
So close,
so close, that you could taste.
Curtsy, I do, to the dark.
It's soul,
I feel, steal mine.
So close we are,
to the end!
So close.
The end is near.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Out of the Darkness
Out of the darkness she popped,
to find the key to my soul.
She took one look and she seized it,
for she new my weakness,
was her.
She tricked me with her love note,
she stabbed me with her soared.
She kissed me and said, "My darling,
what's mine is now yours."
Her love I knew for a short time,
but will forever know,
how she saved me from my darkness,
as we made love in her bed.
Laced with flowers that smelt like roses,
but I was not quite sure,
for the smell quickly drifted,
as we held our hands tight.
She killed us with her double blade,
left dyeing side by side.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Pain
This pain that takes hold,
of my life is in my soul.
This pain I feel inside,
traps itself within me, hides.
This love I feel in you,
I feel it yet I feel blue.
This evil they say lye's within my eyes,
will one day blacken all the sky.
This love I feel in you,
I know it's forever, know it's true.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Sleep
I loved you,
once before in my sleep.
This before, was before,
my eyes ever gazed,
your face.
I loved you,
in my sleep.
Each night,
I'd beg,
you close.
I love you,
in my sleep,
Though in reality,
I have you now.
I continue to love,
you in my sleep.
The walls,
proud I am,
to say,
we both tore down.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Torn
Torn from you,
my mind's trapped in a haze.
Torn from you,
I am just a phase!
Hear I am,
with all I have to give.
Hear I am,
with nothing left to live.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
True love
My luv,
I shall rise above.
I promise that I will find some way,
to make it where I'll always stay.
Together we will be rescued from harm,
you'll trap my tears with your charm.
No matter what it takes to be your wife,
I'll make any kind of sacrifice.
For love is true when it's with you,
I know now that were not mente to be two.
Yet one soul that burns with fire,
which hold all our deepest desires.
My luv, I can't let go,
for your the only one I truly know.
'Cause I am you and you are me,
and I'm sure that's mente to be.
So in the end I shall rise above,
to find you, my true luv.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Turned Frown
Stretched and pulled,
I lye hear dead,
and all my dreams,
of you.
I've plunged,
into the darkness.
My sprit chased me down.
I love you,
whispered into my ear,
has turned my smile,
to frown.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Twizted
Twizted lies,
and sad good-byes,
I constantly,
Smother within.
Stretched out and whipped.
I cry,
but no one cares.
Can you feel me now?
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Unforgivin
Scared,
I cannot catch my breath,
with him in mind.
Scared,
I can't move,
I'm dyeing inside.
Lost,
In this dream.
I can't break through.
Lost,
so far gone,
no simple cure will do.
unforgivin,
she says it's my fault,
what happened to me.
Unforgivin,
I beg my mind,
please leave me be!
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
Undisclosed
Undisclosed.
I'm lost and dyeing.
I look at them,
but their not trying!
I scream for peace.
I beg for pain.
All my life,
I've felt the same.
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
We Rule
Let the wicked rule,
This house of fools!
And let the flesh,
Instruct the mind.
The time is now!
The former,
They bow,
To the death,
In the new begining.
Fight on!
Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis
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| 39 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Clown Luv
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Reply to Chris Crocker on Hate |
July 14th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: 30 seckonds to Mars-The Kill
I agree completly! Deep down they know it's wrong, so they must continue to desencatise themselvs to the point of destruction in order to continue their hate. Juzt like Hitler with the Jews. In order to get an entire nation to follow him in the enillation of an entire race, he had to first desencatise the German people by making them see Jews as someones lower than dogs. He tried to strip all of their dignaty as human beings away by labeling them and taking everything away from them that connected them with humans, because otherwise it would have never worked. Hitler himself knew it was wrong to hate someone bassed on race or sex, or anything like that that dosen't make the person, juzt as gay bashers and race descrimanators do today. They have juzt been taught that that is what is right...that it's okay to hate someone because they are different than you. But unlike you I believe that everyone is responsiable for their hate, no matter how young or old. I know how it is. I'm a white girl with blond hair and blue eues and I live in the south where it's common for the N word to fly around like it's nothing. I have to stop myself from spreading hate everyday and not because I'm racest, but because it's what I'm use to. Because my subconchies that has been desentised by the masses believes it's okay to hate for no reason, when my soul and my person knows that it's wrong! I really started seeing and understanding this within myself when I fould out I was bi at age 10. I saw the hate and I saw the fear when I came out, and it made me think how I was making others feel with my blind hate and fear. I love you Chris! Thanx so much for reading my rambeling lol. Please comment me back if you have the time.
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| 38 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Clown Luv
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27 rules |
June 10th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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27 RULES
of
CELESTIAL MARRIAGE
by
Orson Pratt
Nothing is so much to be desired in families as peace, love, and union:
they are essential to happiness here and hereafter. And, in order to promote
these desirable objects, we would recommend the observance of the following
rules.
Rule 1st.--Let that man who intends to become a husband, seek first the
kingdom of God and its righteousness, and learn to govern himself, according
to the law of God: for he that cannot govern himself cannot govern others: let
him dedicate his property, his talents, his time, and even his life to the
service of God, holding all things at His disposal, to do with the same,
according as He shall direct through the counsel that He has ordained.
Rule 2nd.--Let him next seek for wisdom to direct him in the choice of
his wives. Let him seek for those whose qualifications will render him and
themselves happy. Let him look not wholly at the beauty of the countenance, or
the splendor of the apparel, or the great fortune, or the artful smiles, or
the affected modesty of females; for all these, without the genuine virtues,
are like the dew-drops which glitter for a moment in the sun, and dazzle the
eye, but soon vanish away. But let him look for kind and amiable dispositions;
for unaffected modesty; for industrious habits; for sterling virtue; for
honesty, integrity, and truthfulness; for cleanliness in persons, in apparel,
in cooking, and in every kind of domestic labor; for cheerfulness, patience,
and stability of character; and above all, for genuine religion to control and
govern their every thought and deed. When he has found those possessing these
qualifications let him seek to obtain them lawfully through the counsel of him
who holds the keys of the everlasting priesthood, that they may be married to
him by the authority of Heaven, and thus be secured to him for time and for
all eternity.
Rule 3rd.--When a man has obtained his wives, let him not suppose that
they are already perfect in all things; for this cannot be expected in those
who are young and inexperienced in the cares and vicissitudes of a married
life. They, as weaker vessels, are given to him as the stronger, to nourish,
cherish, and protect; to be their head, their patriarch, and their saviour; to
teach, instruct, counsel, and perfect them in all things relating to family
government, and the welfare and happiness of themselves and their children.
Therefore, let him realize the weighty responsibility now placed upon him, as
the head of a family; and also let him study diligently the disposition of his
wives, that he may know how to instruct them in wisdom for their good.
Rule 4th.--Betray not the confidence of your wives. There are many ideas
in an affectionate confiding wife which she would wish to communicate to her
husband, and yet she would be very unwilling to have them communicated to
others. Keep each of your wives' secrets from all the others, and from anyone
else, unless in cases where good will result by doing otherwise.
Rule 5th.--Speak not of the faults of your wives to others; for in so
doing, you speak against yourself. If you speak to one of your wives of the
imperfections of the others who may be absent, you not only injure them in her
estimation, but she will expect that you will speak against her under like
circumstances: this is calculated to weaken their confidence in you, and sow
division in the family. Tell each one of her faults in private in a spirit of
kindness and love, and she will most probably respect you for it, and endeavor
to do better for the future; and thus the others will not, because of your
reproof, take occasion to speak reproachfully of her. There may be
circumstances, when reproof, given in the presence of the others, will produce
a salutary influence upon all. Wisdom is profitable to direct, and should be
sought for earnestly by those who have the responsibility of families.
Rule 6th.--Avoid anger and a fretful, peevish disposition in your family.
A hasty spirit, accompanied with harsh words, will most generally beget its
own likeness, or, at least, it will eventually sour the feelings of your wives
and children, and greatly weaken their affections for you. You should remember
that harsh expressions against one of your wives, used in the hearing of the
others, will more deeply wound her feelings, than if she alone heard them.
Reproofs that are timely and otherwise good, may lose their good effect by
being administered in a wrong spirit, indeed, they will most probably increase
the evils which they were intended to remedy. Do not find fault with every
trifling error that you may see; for this will discourage your family, and
they will begin to think that it is impossible to please you; and, after a
while, become indifferent as to whether they please you or not. How unhappy
and extremely wretched is that family where nothing pleases--where scolding
has become almost as natural as breathing!
Rule 7th.--Use impartiality in your family as far as circumstances will
allow; and let your kindness and love abound towards them all. Use your own
judgment, as the head of the family, in regard to your duties in relation to
them, and be not swayed from that which is right, by your own feelings, nor by
the feelings of others.
Rule 8th.--Suffer not your judgment to be biased against any one of your
wives, by the accusations of the others, unless you have good grounds to
believe that those accusations are just. Decide not hastily upon partial
evidence, but weigh well all things, that your mind may not become unjustly
prejudiced. When one of your wives complains of the imperfections of the
others, and endeavors to set your mind against them, teach her that all have
imperfections, and of the necessity of bearing one with another in patience,
and of praying one for another.
Rule 9th.--Call your wives and children together frequently, and instruct
them in their duties towards God, towards yourself, and towards one another.
Pray with them and for them often; and teach them to pray much, that the Holy
Spirit may dwell in their midst, without which it is impossible to maintain
that union, love, and oneness which are so necessary to happiness and
salvation.
Rule 10th.--Remember, that notwithstanding written rules will be of
service in teaching you your duties, as the head of a family, yet without the
Holy Ghost to teach and instruct you, it is impossible for you to govern a
family in righteousness; therefore, seek after the Holy Ghost and He shall
teach you all things, and sanctify you and your family, and make you one, that
you may be perfected in Him and He in you, and eventually be exalted on high
to dwell with God, where your joy will be full forever.
Rule 11th.--Let no woman unite herself in marriage with any man, unless
she has fully resolved to submit herself wholly to his counsel, and to let him
govern as the head. It is far better for her not to be united with him in the
sacred bonds of eternal union, than to rebel against the divine order of
family government, instituted for a higher salvation; for if she altogether
turn therefrom, she will receive a greater condemnation.
Rule 12th.--Never seek to prejudice the mind of your husband against any
of his other wives, for the purpose of exalting yourself in his estimation,
lest the evil which you unjustly try to bring upon them, fall with double
weight upon your own head. Strive to rise in favor and influence with your
husband by your own merits, and not by magnifying the faults of others.
Rule 13th.--Seek to be a peacemaker in the family with whom you are
associated. If you see the least appearance of division arising, use your
utmost efforts to restore union and soothe the feelings of all. Soft and
gentle words, spoken in season, will allay contention and strife; while a
hasty spirit and harsh language add fuel to the fire already kindled which
will rage with increasing violence.
Rule 14th.--Speak not evil of your husband unto any of the rest of the
family for the purpose of prejudicing their minds against him; for if he be
informed thereof, it will injure you in his estimation. Neither speak evil of
any members of the family; for this will destroy their confidence in you.
Avoid all hypocrisy; for if you pretend to love your husband and to honor and
respect his wives, when present, but speak disrespectfully of them when
absent, you will be looked upon as a hypocrite, as a tattler, and as a
mischief-making woman, and be shunned as being more dangerous than an open
enemy. And what is still more detestable, is to tattle out of the family, and
endeavor to create enemies against those with whom you are connected. Such
persons should not only be considered hypocrites, but traitors, and their
conduct should be despised by every lover of righteousness. Remember also,
that there are more ways than one to tattle; it is not always the case that
those persons who are the boldest in their accusations that are the most
dangerous slanderers; but such as hypocritically pretend that they do not wish
to injure their friends, and at the same time very piously insinuate, in dark
indirect sayings, something that is calculated to leave a very unfavorable
prejudice against them. Shun such a spirit as you would the very gates of
hell.
Rule 15th.--If you see any of your husband's wives sick or in trouble,
use every effort to relieve them, and to administer kindness and consolations,
remembering that you, yourself, under the same circumstances, would be
thankful for their assistance. Endeavor to share each others burdens,
according to the health, ability, and strength which God has given you. Do not
be afraid that you will do more than your share of the domestic labor, or that
you will be more kind to them than they are to you.
Rule 16th.--Let each mother correct her own children, and see that they
do not dispute and quarrel with each other, nor with any others; let her not
correct the children of the others without liberty so to do, lest it give
offence. The husband should see that each mother maintains a wise and proper
discipline over her children, especially in their younger years: and it is his
duty to see that all of his children are obedient to himself and to their
respective mothers. And it is also his duty to see that the children of one
wife are not allowed to quarrel and abuse those of the others, neither to be
disrespectful or impudent to any branch of his family.
Rule 17th.--It is the duty of parents to instruct their children,
according to their capacities, in every principle of the gospel, as revealed
in the Book of Mormon and in the revelations which God has given, that they
may grow up in righteousness, and in the fear of the Lord, and have faith in
Him. Suffer no wickedness to have place among them, but teach them the right
way, and see that they walk therein. And let the husband, and his wives, and
all of his children that have come to the years of understanding, often bow
before the Lord around the family altar, and pray vocally and unitedly for
whatever blessings they stand in need of, remembering that where there are
union and peace, there will also be faith, and hope, and the love of God, and
every good work, and a multiplicity of blessings, imparting health and comfort
to the body, and joy and life to the soul, yet they cannot claim the honor of
having restored it in the full sense of Isaiah's prediction. This honor was
reserved for a people who should be called Zion, where all should eventually
be called beautiful, and glorious, and holy. The pure and virtuous daughters
of Zion will consider it a great reproach to remain single and have no
posterity: hence their exceedingly great anxiety for husbands, that their
reproach may be taken away. They will learn that a woman cannot, through her
own carelessness or neglect, fail to fulfil the end of her creation, without
bringing upon herself everlasting reproach, as well as condemnation for
disobeying the Lord's great and first commandment to multiply. Oh, how
different will be their feelings from those now manifested by females
traditioned under papist and protestant superstitions! Surely there must be
some mighty changes and revolutions when all things that the ancient prophets
have predicted shall be restored! Polygamy, as well as monogamy, will then be
honored by all the heavenly hosts above, and by all the nations of the
righteous upon the earth; and there will not be so much as a dog to move his
tongue against any of the institutions of the Bible.
Rule 18th.--Let each mother commence with her children when young, not
only to teach and instruct them, but to chasten and bring them into the most
perfect subjection; for then is the time that they are the most easily
conquered, and their tender minds are the most susceptible of influences and
government. Many mothers, from carelessness, neglect their children and only
attempt to govern them at long intervals, when they most generally find their
efforts of no lasting benefit; for the children having been accustomed to have
their own way, do not easily yield; and if peradventure they do yield, it is
only for the time being, until the mother relaxes again into carelessness,
when they return again to their accustomed habits: and thus by habit they
become more and more confirmed in disobedience, waxing worse and worse, until
the mother becomes discouraged, and relinquishes all discipline, and complains
that she cannot make her children mind. The fault is not so much in the
children, as in the carelessness and neglect of the mother when the children
were young; it is she that must answer, in a great degree, for the evil habits
and disobedience of the children. She is more directly responsible than the
father; for it cannot be expected that the father can always find time, apart
from the laborious duties required of him, to correct and manage his little
children who are at home with their mothers. It is frequently the case that
the father is called to attend to duties in public life, and may be absent
from home much of his time, when the whole duty of family government
necessarily rests upon the respective mothers of his children; if they,
through carelessness, suffer their children to grow up in disobedience and
ruin themselves, they must bear the shame and disgrace thereof. Some mothers,
though not careless, and though they feel the greatest anxiety for the welfare
of their children, yet, through a mistaken notion of love for them, forbear to
punish them when they need punishment, or if they undertake to conquer them,
their tenderness and pity are so great, that they prevail over the judgment,
and the children are left unconquered, and become more determined to resist
all future efforts of their mothers until, at length, they conclude that their
children have a more stubborn disposition than others, and that it is
impossible to subject them in obedience. In this case, as in that of neglect,
the fault is the mother's. The stubbornness of the children, for the most
part, is the effect of the mother's indulgence, arising from her mistaken idea
of love. By that which she calls love, she ruins her children.
Children between one and two years of age are capable of being made to
understand many things; then is the time to begin with them. How often we see
children of that age manifest much anger. Frequently by crying through anger,
they that are otherwise healthy, injure themselves: it is far better, in such
instances, for a mother to correct her child in a gentle manner, though with
decision and firmness, until she conquers it, and causes it to cease crying,
than to suffer that habit to increase. When the child by gentle punishment has
learned this one lesson from its mother, it is much more easily conquered and
brought into subjection in other things, until finally, by a little
perseverance on the part of the mother, it learns to be obedient to her voice
in all things; and obedience becomes confirmed into a permanent habit. Such a
child trained by a negligent or overindulgent mother, might have become
confirmed in habits of stubbornness and disobedience. It is not so much in the
original constitution of children as in their training, that causes such wide
differences in their dispositions. It cannot be denied, that there is a
difference in the constitution of children even from their birth; but this
difference is mostly owing to the proper or improper conduct of parents, as
before stated; therefore, even for this difference, parents are more or less
responsible. If parents, through their own evil conduct entail hereditary
dispositions upon their children which are calculated to ruin them, unless
properly curtailed and overcome, they should realize, that for that evil they
must render an account. If parents have been guilty in entailing upon their
offspring unhappy dispositions, let them repent, by using all diligence to
save them from the evil consequences which will naturally result by giving way
to those dispositions. The greater the derangement, the greater must be the
remedy, and the more skilful and thorough should be its application, until
that which is sown in evil is overcome and completely subdued. In this way
parents may save themselves and their children; but otherwise there is
condemnation. Therefore, we repeat again, let mothers begin to discipline
their children when young.
Rule 19th.--Do not correct children in anger; an angry parent is not as
well prepared to judge of the amount of punishment which should be inflicted
upon a child, as one that is more cool and exercised with reflection, reason,
and judgment. Let your children see that you punish them, not to gratify an
angry disposition, but to reform them for their good, and it will have a
salutary influence; they will not look upon you as a tyrant, swayed to and fro
by turbulent and furious passions; but they will regard you as one that seeks
their welfare, and that you only chasten them because you love them, and wish
them to do well. Be deliberate and calm in your counsels and reproofs, but at
the same time use earnestness and decision. Let your children know that your
words must be respected and obeyed.
Rule 20th.--Never deceive your children by threatenings or promises. Be
careful not to threaten them with a punishment which you have no intention of
inflicting; for this will cause them to lose confidence in your word; besides,
it will cause them to contract the habit of lying: when they perceive that
their parents do not fulfil their threatening or promises, they will consider
that there is no harm in forfeiting their word. Think not that your precepts,
concerning truthfulness, will have much weight upon the minds of your
children, when they are contradicted by your examples. Be careful to fulfil
your word in all things in righteousness, and your children will not only
learn to be truthful from your example, but they will fear to disobey your
word, knowing that you never fail to punish or reward according to your
threatenings and promises. Let your laws, penalties, and rewards be founded
upon the principles of justice and mercy, and adapted to the capacities of
your children; for this is the way that our heavenly Father governs His
children, giving to some a Celestial; to others a Terrestrial; and to others
still a Telestial law, with penalties and promises annexed, according to the
conditions, circumstances, and capacities of the individuals to be governed.
Seek for wisdom and pattern after the heavenly order of government.
Rule 21st.--Do not be so stern and rigid in your family government as to
render yourself an object of fear and dread. There are parents who only render
themselves conspicuous in the attribute of justice, while mercy and love are
scarcely known in their families. Justice should be tempered with mercy, and
love should be the great moving principle, interweaving itself in all your
family administrations. When justice alone sits upon the throne, your children
approach you with dread, or peradventure hide themselves from your presence,
and long for your absence that they may be relieved from their fear; at the
sound of your approaching footsteps they flee as from an enemy, and tremble at
your voice, and shrink from the gaze of your countenance, as though they
expected some terrible punishment to be inflicted upon them. Be familiar with
your children that they may delight themselves in your society, and look upon
you as a kind and tender parent whom they delight to obey. Obedience inspired
by love, and obedience inspired by fear, are entirely different in their
nature; the former will be permanent and enduring, while the latter only waits
to have the object of fear removed, and it vanishes like a dream. Govern
children as parents, and not as tyrants; for they will be parents in their
turn, and will be very likely to adopt that form of government in which they
have been educated. If you have been tyrants, they may be influenced to
pattern after your example. If you are fretful and continually scolding, they
will be very apt to be scolds too. If you are loving, kind, and merciful,
these benign influences will be very certain to infuse themselves into their
order of family government; and thus good and evil influences frequently
extend themselves down for many generations and ages. How great, then, are the
responsibilities of parents to their children! And how fearful the
consequences of bad examples! Let love, therefore, predominate and control
you, and your children will be sure to discover it, and will love you in
return.
Rule 22nd.--Let each mother teach her children to honor and love their
father, and to respect his teachings and counsels. How frequently it is the
case, when fathers undertake to correct their children, mothers will interfere
in the presence of the children: this has a very evil tendency in many
respects: first, it destroys the oneness of feeling which should exist between
husband and wife; secondly, it weakens the confidence of the children in the
father, and emboldens them to disobedience; thirdly, it creates strife and
discord; and lastly, it is rebelling against the order of family government,
established by divine wisdom. If the mother supposes the father too severe,
let her not mention this in the presence of the children, but she can express
her feelings to him while alone by themselves, and thus the children will not
see any division between them. For husband and wives to be disagreed, and to
contend, and quarrel, is a great evil; and to do these things in the presence
of their children, is a still greater evil. Therefore, if a husband and his
wives will quarrel and destroy their own happiness, let them have pity upon
their children, and not destroy them by their pernicious examples.
Rule 23rd.--Suffer not children of different mothers to be haughty and
abusive to each other; for they are own brothers and sisters the same as the
children of the patriarch Jacob; and one has no claim above another, only as
his conduct merits it. Should you discover contentions or differences arising,
do not justify your own children and condemn the others in their presence; for
this will encourage them in their quarrels: even if you consider that your
children are not so much in the fault as the others, it is far better to teach
them of the evils of strife, than to speak against the others. To speak
against them, not only alienates their affections, but has a tendency to
offend their mothers, and create unpleasant feelings between you and them.
Always speak well of each of your husband's wives in the presence of your
children; for children generally form their judgment concerning others, by the
sayings of their parents: they are very apt to respect those whom their
parents respect; and hate those whom they hate. If you consider that some of
the mothers are too lenient with their children and too negligent in
correcting them, do not be offended, but strive, by the wise and prudent
management of your own, to set a worthy example before them, that they, by
seeing your judicious and wise course, may be led to go and do likewise.
Examples will sometimes reform, when precepts fail.
Rule 24th.--Be industrious in your habits: this is important as
fulfilling the law of God: it is also important for those who are in low
circumstances, that they may acquire food, and raiment, and the necessary
comforts of life: it is also important for the rich as well as the poor, that
they may be able more abundantly to supply the wants of the needy, and be in
circumstances to help the unfortunate and administer to the sick and
afflicted; for in this way, it is possible even for the rich to enter into the
kingdom of heaven. A family whose time is occupied in the useful and lawful
avocations of life, will find no time to go from house to house, tattling and
injuring one another and their neighbors; neither will they be so apt to
quarrel among themselves.
Rule 25th.--When your children are from three to five years of age, send
them to school, and keep them there year after year until they receive a
thorough education in all the rudiments of useful science, and in their
manners, and morals. In this manner, they will avoid many evils, arising from
indolence, and form habits that will render them beneficial to society in
after life. Let mothers educate their daughters in all kinds of domestic
labor: teach them to wash and iron, to bake and do all kinds of cooking, to
knit and sew, to spin and weave, and to do all other things that will qualify
them to be good and efficient housewives. Let fathers educate their sons in
whatever branch, or branches of business, they intend them respectively to
follow. Despise that false delicacy which is exhibited by the sons and
daughters of the rich, who consider it a dishonor to labor at the common
avocations of life. Such notions of high-life, should be frowned out of the
territory, as too contemptible to be harbored, for one moment, by a civilized
community. Some of these bogus gentlemen and ladies have such grand ideas,
concerning gentility, that they would let their poor old father and mother
slave themselves to death, to support them in their idleness, or at some
useless fanciful employment. The daughter will sit down in the parlour at her
painting or music, arrayed in silks and fineries, and let her mother wash and
cook until, through fatigue, she is ready to fall into her grave: this they
call gentility, and the distinctions between the low and the high. But such
daughters are not worthy of husbands, and should not be admitted into any
respectable society: they are contemptible drones, that would be a curse to
any husband who should be so unfortunate as to be connected with such
nuisances. Painting, music, and all the fine arts, should be cherished, and
cultivated, as accomplishments which serve to adorn and embellish an
enlightened civilized people, and render life agreeable and happy; but when
these are cultivated, to the exclusion of the more necessary duties and
qualifications, it is like adorning swine with costly jewels and pearls to
make them appear more respectable: these embellishments, only render such
characters a hundred fold more odious and disgustful than they would otherwise
appear.
Rule 26th.--Use economy and avoid wastefulness. How discouraging it would
be to a husband who has a large family, depending mostly upon his labor for a
support, to see his wives and children carelessly, thoughtlessly, and
unnecessarily, waste his hard earnings. Let not one wife, for fear that she
shall not obtain her share of the income, destroy, give away, and otherwise
foolishly dispose of what is given to her, thinking that her husband will
furnish her with more. Those who economize and wisely use that which is given
to them, should be counted worthy to receive more abundantly than those who
pursue a contrary course. Each wife should feel interested in saving and
preserving that with which the Lord has entrusted her, and should rejoice, not
only in her prosperity, but in the prosperity of all the others: her eyes
should not be full of greediness to grasp everything herself, but she should
feel equally interested in the welfare of the whole family. By pursuing this
course she will be beloved: by taking a contrary course, she will be
considered selfish and little minded.
Rule 27th.--Let husbands, wives, sons, and daughters, continually realize
that their relationships do not end with this short life, but will continue in
eternity without end. Every qualification and disposition therefore, which
will render them happy here, should be nourished, cherished, enlarged, and
perfected, that their union may be indissoluble, and their happiness secured
both for this world and for that which is to come.
Let these rules be observed, and all others that are good and righteous,
and peace will be the result: husbands will be patriarchs and saviours; wives
will be like fruitful vines, bringing forth precious fruits in their seasons:
their sons will be like plants of renown, and their daughters like the
polished stones of a palace. Then the saints shall flourish upon the hills and
rejoice upon the mountains, and become a great people and strong, whose goings
forth shall be with strength that is everlasting. Arise, O Zion; clothe
thyself with light! Shine forth with clearness and brilliancy! Illuminate the
nations and the dark corners of the earth, for their light is gone out--their
sun is set--gross darkness covers them! Let thy light be seen upon the high
places of the earth; let it shine in glorious splendor; for then shall the
wicked see, and confounded, and lay their hands upon their mouths in shame;
then shall kings arise, and come forth to the light, and rejoice in the
greatness of thy glory! Fear not, O Zion, nor let thine hands be slack, for
great is the Holy One in the midst of thee! A cloud shall be over thee by day
for a defense, and at night thy dwellings shall be encircled with glory! God
is thine everlasting light, and shall be a Tower of strength against thine
enemies; at the sound of His voice they shall melt away, and terrors shall
seize upon them. In that day thou shalt be beautiful and glorious, and the
reproach of the Gentiles shall no more come into thine ears; in that day,
shall the sons of them that afflicted thee come bending unto thee and bow
themselves down at the soles of thy feet; and the daughters of them that
reproached thee, shall come, saying, We will eat our own bread and wear our
own apparel, only let us be joined in the patriarchal order of marriage with
the husbands and patriarchs in Zion to take away our reproach: then shall they
highly esteem, far above riches, that which their wicked fathers ridiculed
under the name of Polygamy.
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| 46 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Clown Luv
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Ummm...IDK...lol |
June 2nd, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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Ummm....I feel okay I guess. I'm a lil worried about some crap that Amey is gonna try to cause, but I talked to alot of people and I think it will be okay...or she can go to jail lol. I actually love my life for once in my life. I juzt wish I didn't have so much dramma going on all the time. I also wish that I could let my emotions out when I need to...or in some cases now days let the right emotions out. How can love show as hate??? or hate as love??? I feel kinda good though. I realy like this one song called My Black Daliah by Hollywood Undead! But yeah that was off subject huh? Oh well screw it. I think I'll play it again. I want to spend more time with Boogie! Since I moved in with Daddy, we hardly ever have any one on one time. I can't believe I've been living with Daddy for so long...it seems like yesterday...but it's realy been quite a few months. But then again when I think about it, it seems like a long time ago since I was in faster care and had no one and no life. Compared to then I'm doing pritty damn good! I juzt miss the walks Boogie and I use to take and I miss our conversations. She is a completly different person than me and yet we are so much the same. I realy love her and her individuality! I hope that she dosen't have to suffer to much in life. She is realy smart, weather she knows it or not. I love listning to her talk about her pholosifies (can't spell) of life and juzt about everything else. Her quorky little relationships crack me up though, because they remind me so much of my past relations. I hope that we don't grow appart again and that she will know I'm alwayz here for her no matter what. I would juzt like to talk to her again for a change...it kinda seems like her life has been to buisy for me here lately...oh well. I don't realy know whats going on with me and Daddy here lately...Everything seems to be going good for us these last few days, but before that it was hell. I think my hormones are juzt going crazy. It's so hard for me to show any emotion here lately though...or the right emotion. I want the people who I love to know without a doubt that I love them...but it's so hard to express anything...what the hell is wrong with me??? I don't care really right now though. I feel pritty good...but it feels like there should be more to it. My love for Daddy isn't causing me any pain and I'm not use to that at all. I've alwayz thought that if it dosen't hurt, than it can't be true...Could I have been wrong with that theary??? I mean it hurts like hell when I'm without him, like when he's working or I am or...but it dosen't hurt like it use to. I don't feel like my world is going to end if I don't see him in the next five minunts. Is that because I trust him??? IDK. I mean I trust him, but I don't know if it's the reason I don't feel pain. I feel myself growing up and it scares me. I litteraly feel myself growing. I still screw up. I mean everyone does...but everything seems to be okay...even when I'm not happy, even when I am, or when I'm sad or mad...I know I'm where I'm supose to be and I feel myself growing with that and growing to except that I don't have to be in pain and torment all of my life, nor do I have to live a perfect life with no pain ever...I finally get the chance to live a true life. I like it that way...who would have thought that this princess could live outside of both a hidden tower surrounded by dragons and deamons, and a castle filled with nothing but harmony and happieness? Who would of thought that I could excape it all and live with my prince charming in the real world??? I realy love it this way! Heres to my two sweet beautiful babies! I love you both and I love your Daddy too, he's the sweetest man in the world! My family is the only one for me. I can't weight until our new baby is born or when we know if it's a boy or girl! But I love you even now my beautiful baby! The Biddy is a trip! and the sweetest thing in the world! He's getting to be so big and beautiful. I prey that God continues to protect and watch over this beautiful family that he has alowed us to have! Mamma and I have become realy close again it seems. I go to her for most everything...it feels good having someone to talk to sometimes. I love also that Daddy and I are opening up to eachother up a lil more here lately. I still wanna know so much more about him and I want to be able to show him so much more of who I am and who I'm becomming. I want also to be happy for him not juzt on the inside, but where he can tell it's true. Daddy needs a break! I've been ridding him a lil too hard here lately...I realy think it has alot to do with hormones though, because I love him juzt as much as I ever have. Please lord let my be nicer to Daddy! I love him and I'm so lucky to have him!...I want him to always know thats true! |
| 46 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Clown Luv
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Best Day |
May 12th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: TaTu
Feeling: happy
OMG! Yesterday was so awlsome! Like everything about it! Daddy, the Biddy and I all had fun yesterday morning playfighting and juzt being silly, and it was so great! I love my familey and the lil baby was being nice and not upseting my tummy so much too, so it was juzt so good! But then the Biddy had to go to Amey's so I was sad...but I know God watches over him even when Daddy and I can't. Daddy took me out it eat in Southern Pines to Mount Foogies...It was so awlsome! I had never been before, but I loved it it was so cool! OMG! and the food was sooo...good! I couldn't eat all of it though, so I had some realy good food to take to work with me today. When we got back we watched a funny as hell movie about this chick who gave her dog head...it kinda grossed me out though, but oh well. But oh my god! The loving last night was...I don't even know what to say! I have never felt anything like that ever...I died...like almost literally, it was so good! I juzt layed there in a puddle of cum. I couldn'e even scream or moan ar anything. I had all of my damn energy going into cumming lol! OMG! Never gonna forget last night, ever! After the l;oving I juzt freakin passed out. Daddy was so sweet all night long last night! Especially when we was driving back home and we were all snugglie together listning to old music on the radieo...it was romantic. I am so in love and so lucky! He is my everything and God is so kind for allowing him in my life! I can't weight to see Daddy and the Biddy in a lil while. They should be here in like an hour or so. I love our new place and I love our relationship and I love our babies! Things are realy looking up for us and I am so happy! Please Lord let it stay this way. Hopefully next month we'll find out if we're having a boy or girl...I can't weight. I am so happy! Daddy and our familey are my all. Thank you God and thank you Daddy for alowing my dreams to come true! |
| 47 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Clown Luv
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sick |
May 6th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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I'm juzt so sick of all the dramma and bull crap lies. I juzt wish people would leave me and James the hell alone! We have enough damn dramma of our own as it is. This is why the hell I don't have friends. Why the hell do people alwayz try to start crap when there is no reason to? So James isn't, hasn't, and has never even thought about cheating on me. Why the hell would some girl I don't even know that well tell me all this bull crap??? People should realy get a damn life! I juzt hope that Daddy isn't upset with me for asking him about it. I mean I never accused him even one time, so I don't think that he will be mad or hurt or anything. I simply wanted to know if it was true or not. I believe him. He's never lied to me before, so why shouldn't I believe him now? I juzt want to scream! Why would Kayla pretend to be nice to me and then try to screw up my world??? I juzt don't understand people sometimes. Why would someone play on your weaknesses? I mean and what the hell gives Spincer the right to call me a whore and say that I would give James something when she screwed Dean and Kayla at the same time??? Who the hell is she to judge me anyway??? Screw everyone...I don't even care. I don't want to deal with real dramma, much less bull crap that isn't even real! Somebody juzt needs to give me a damn break! Screw the rest of the world! I'll keep to my few lil friends nd be happy. I don't need stupid lil dramma like this...this isn't high school after all! |
| 60 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Clown Luv
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How |
May 6th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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How can a day change so much? How can I be so happy and then feel like I'm falling apart? So Kayla basically told me that James has been lying to me and cheating on me with Spencer. I haven't talked to him yet. He's supose to pick the Biddy up at 5:00, so I told Jenna to tell him that I wanted him to come by after he picked Louie up, but I don't know if he will. I'm realy scaired. I don't want to know that everything I've ever believed in was a lie. I don't want to live a lie either though. So Spencer knows that I might be sick from what Kayla says. How the hell would spencer know that if he didn't tell her? She told Kayla that she can basically have James any time that she wants him, but that she would make him have a 6 week run of penicellion before she has sex with him. Spencer said that she talks to James all the time, and that he told her I was trying to controal his life and change him too much. All I ever wanted to do was show him love. From what Spencer said, James and her were still having sex even when James and I were dating...I don't know if they ever even stoped having sex or not. I'm so scaired that it's all true. It dosen't matter. I love James with everything that I have. If he wants to be with Spencer I will let him. I love him is all I can say...I juzt love him. If this is true I don't know why he would do this to me. All I ever tried to do was love him and make our lives better. She also said that Bobby, (James'a Dad), hates me so much that he tried to get Susen to offer James money to finish colledge as long as I didn't move in with him. I remember when she offered that at my school...I didn't think it had anything to do with Bobby though. I don't know what to feel but pain. Please God don't let it be true. Let the love I know be real. Please Lord don't let me have fallen for pritty lies again, because all you get with pritty lies...is sad goodbyes. |
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Clown Luv
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Good Times |
May 5th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Jewel
Feeling: content
So things are going alot better! I'm so happy! We juzt moved into our new place...meaning like my first time sleeping there will br tonight lol. I can't weight! Then Daddy and I have to make love in every room in the house, so that it can truly be ours lol. I deffently can't weight for that part lol. I'm so happy! This feels good to be happy...it's been a while. Too much drama has been going on, but our present and future is looking much brighter now! I'm juzt so damn happy! I think this move will be better for all of us. I know the biddy will love it. The new baby is starting to poak out a lil more in my belly now. I look so fat, but I don't care, as long as the baby is healthy and beautiful! I realy feel like it's gonna be a lil girl. Daddy and I already picked a name out if it is. Lilly...I think that is so beautiful. If the baby's a boy we will love it's lil boy butt juzt as muches too though lol. I feel so good! This is so strange. My body feels like it's gonna fall apart from all the stress of moving and everyday life dramma, but my mind and sprit are so happy! It juzt feels so good! I haven't felt this way in a realy long time. Daddy and I are doing realy good now too. It was kinda rocky there for a while, but true love can never go away. It feels so good to be surrounded by both the love of God, Family, and the love of my husbond, (well soon to be husbond anyway). Juzt 8 more months and we'll be married, and have two beautiful lil babies. Even if we never sleep it will be worth it. I would like sleep though Lord, don't get me wrong lol. I juzt would like the time to thank the Lord for the happieness that he has bestowed upon me and my family. Thank you so much Jeasus, we love you! Please dear Lord let us continue to reep your glory and surrender ourselves to your love and the love of our family entirely. Thank you Lord for my life, and for the life of everyone I love. Juzt when I thought I was broken, you have made me whole once more. Thank you! |
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Clown Luv
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Something is wrong with me |
April 29th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: twiztid
Feeling: empty
I want to start writing again. I want to let everything out. I'm so overflowed with words and emotions that I feel completly empty. I guess I've alwayz been feeled with oxymorans like that. I found out that I may be sick yesterday, real sick I guess. I'm scaired but I know God will look out for me. Sometimes I feel so alone, though I'm surrounded by those who I love and whom love me. I feel like I keep writing the same crap over and over again. I need everything! I'm deranged and I feel nothing like anyone else. Most of the time I realy don't care though. I'm sick of eveyone in life who juzt try to bring people down. I don't want to be down anymore. I'm so far down that I have to reach the top pritty soon. It seems I cry all the time. How can that be when I'm the happiest I've ever been? Life brings me down, but living gets me high. I want to escape everything and hide within myself, and yet never wanna be alone. Somebody talk to me and let me out. I feel as if I never breath, never take a deep breath, never relax. Something is alwayz happening. Dramma is alwayz occuring. I don't want to loose myself inside myself. I don't want to let go of all the nothing I have to hold one to one thing solid. I want to be the me that I am, the me that I alwayz was. What the hell is so hard with that. Why can't I feel? I'm scaired, but then again I don't care. I don't care about anything when I care about everything more than anyone else ever could. I can't let it out. I keep talking about nothing. Words wont come. I can't speak when I want to. Who has my toung. Why can't I talk to James. Why do I show the world lies and fake smiles? Why am I so down? Who or what is holding me down? I can't get that fuckers face out of my dreams. He want leave me alone. God please make him go away. Lord please make him leave me. I'm afraid to let go. I'm afraid to shair myself. I'm afraid to open up to anyone. I don't want to be left alone but I'm hiding myself from everyone. Who is this person living in my bady and smiling false smiles with my lips and speaking pritty lies through my teeth. Am I the same mindless creature that I see the rest of the world as. Is everything I feel how they feel. Am I juzt another Emo pussy? I know I'm noth this shit is real. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not the same and I don't want to be. I don't want to be alive if my soul inside is dead. Why wont the deamons leave me the hell alone? Get out of my mind. Let me live my own life. I've put you behind me why can't I stop thinking? Where does all the emotion go? Where does all the pain hide when I smile my fake smiles? Why can no one read my heart and my mind? Why do they not see my lies. I've done nothing wrong, so what the hell is wrong with me? Why does no one ask that anymore but James. Why can he see whn no one else sees. How can Daddy see my tears when the rest of the world is oblivious? Why can he no longe see the reason why I'm sad? Why does depression have to take over every five minunts? I juzt want to let go. I can't juzt let life pass me by. I can't juzt give up. I have to let it out and get up. Why can't I breath? How am I still alive all these years without ever once breathing? What is wrong with me? |
| 57 hit(s) |
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Clown Luv
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Wishing away |
April 1st, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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I wish away my days. All my days seem to be so bleak. It's certan that he doesn't love me as he use to anymore. I wish that he was the same person he use to be, and I wish that I was the same person who I use to be. I want to make this work. I want our love to concur all as I use to know it would. I feel as if I'm being pulled under. I juzt want what I use to have. What I don't understand though is that I never took it for granted. So why did it have to go away??? I'm so happy about the new baby! I love it already juzt as much as I love Louie. My constant depression however, continues to pull the wool over my eyes allowing me to see nothing but the depression itself. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy life and enjoy my children with Daddy, but I feel that I can't do that as long as he is no longer the man with who I fell so deeply in love with. He doesn't even remember how he use to love me. He said that himself. Is this a lost cause? Is the second time alwayz too late? I want to love him as I use to. I'm juzt alwayz so sad when I'm around him. He seems a shell of the man he once was. It seems that he's been lost to the pase of the world. But can't I bring him back??? I did it before, why not a second time??? I wont be doomed and I wont allow my family to be doomed. I want both of our beautiful children to grow up healthy and happy, with carring parents who love them and eachother more than their next breath. Our entire family is on the edge of disaster. I don't want us to fall off, and I wont allow it! I want my samuri back! I want my Daddy back who would fight any demon and slay any dragon for my love alone. I don't want to fill bad for asking him to bring me the tissue or for wanting to go out to eat or bye something cheap to make me feel pretty. I want him to make me feel beautiful like he use to, and I want to make him feel like the man I still know he is. I want our dreams. God please be on our side and help us through our journey. Let us find only love, compassion, and happieness within each other. Help us to leave the rest to our enemies. |
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Clown Luv
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It's been a long hard while |
October 7th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: WAYN Sports Radieo
yeah It's been a while...I'm a work and don't realy have much time to type...but so much has gone down since I last wrote...It feels good to write again! I Lived with Daddy (James) for a long time when I left my fathers house...and now I'm in faster care...hopefully Tuesday I will be able to move in with my mama or grandma (meme). I will eventually write so much more than this because I have alot of strong feeling to convay! I miss Daddy (James) more than anything! I'm juzt glad we get to talk. Louie is growing into a beautiful big strong boy and I believe I may be pragnent again...hopefully God will bless us with another beautiful child. I love Louie and James 4~alwayz!!!!!!! |
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Clown Luv
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profile |
July 31st, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Me...Hi! I don't know you but I probably hate you. Yeah... that sounds real nice right??? Well I'm not realy that nice of a person unless you happen to win my love. You see I've been through alot of sh!t in my life and it has forced me into a state of an untrusting mind. I don't like being this way, in fact, I hate it. But, this is me. I'm a 16 year old mother and practically abandoned by everyone I've ever trusted or loved. I'm happy though atleast with one thing...my baby boy! He's the only thing that realy matters in my life right now. I've also finally found someone to make me happy. His name is James, he means the world to me. I never thought I would find someone like him. He loves Louie too...what more can I ask for??? lol. No one has ever realy seemed tounderstand me, not even myself most of the time. It sadens me sometimes...but then again I use it mostly to my advantage. It's scarry though, because sometimes I believe James may know me even more than I know myself. I know you may think that 16 is 2 young to be a mother and much more of what I am, but I am what's in my mind & I've been out of my mind 4 many years! A lil about me...I'm 16. I live in a piece of shit, back woods,"Bible Belt", community. I hate it hear & they all hate me just because I'm strange. I'm constantly writing poetry, reading books, watching tv, or movies, talking to James and taking care of our Baby Boi. I have long blond hair with brown tips, blue eyes w/ sexy teacher glasses, usually 125 lbs, and I'm 5'3. |
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Clown Luv
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abortion |
July 27th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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month one
Mommy
I am only 8 inches long
but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it
I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat
is my favorite lullaby.
Month Two
Mommy
today I learned how to suck my thumb.
If you could see me
you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.
Month Three
You know what Mommy
I'm a boy!!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too
and I cry with you even though
you can't hear me.
Month Four
Mommy
my hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine
but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too.
Month Five
You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby.
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?
Month Six
I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!
Month Seven
Mommy
I am okay.
I am in Jesus's arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?
Every Abortion Is Just . . .
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.
If you're against abortion, post this as...
I don't care if I lose friends over this |
| 55 hit(s) |
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Clown Luv
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myspace pic comments |
July 27th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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From Comment
Wayward
June 2, 2006 4:49 PM
I will never leave you babydoll, you are my everything. And we will always be together no matter what. Our love is eternal.
From Comment
Wayward
June 2, 2006 4:52 PM
Not near as good as the real you 8), you are beautiful babydoll. Never doubt it, and you are my moon, my stars, and my sun. And you are the only one on this earth this I want, without a doubt. I love you babydoll.
Wayward
June 2, 2006 4:50 PM
And you choose a picture that makes me look fat =-(, but anyways, I love you babydoll...and I am yours. Completely and forever. I want no one else.
From Comment
toy
June 19, 2006 8:36 PM
aww ITS MY DANIELLE!!! your eyes reflect so much happiness....heheh i love you
From Comment
Narcissistic Junkie
June 21, 2006 10:05 PM
You guys are so cute together. I would have never imagined you guys together. You really look happy.--
toy
June 21, 2006 5:25 PM
i love this picture y'all look so content and happy together i love you so muches!!
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Clown Luv
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from me to James |
June 27th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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6/23/06
Hey Daddy!,
I love you sooo...muches Daddy!!!!!!! I tried calling you a bounch of times and ended up spending a dollar and 50 cents on it lol...but I left you a voicemail. You are my everything! I can't be without you Daddy! and I want be without you! I'm not even going home early...juzt sitting here weighting on 5:00 and wishing you were here holding me. I wish we could juzt be like we were That Saturday again! That was the second most happiest day of my life!!! (The first being when I had Louie.) I remember how much we talked that night, and how it felt to be wrapped in your arms late at night outside under the moon and stars. You compleated me then as you compleate me now. I was so happy! As we were talking we completly understood eachother. Our souls were still as one from the love we had juzt made...we were completly connected and we remain so even as I grow distant on the outside, our souls are still embracing, ever strongly. I love how you know me and how I know you. I love how we can communicate at most times without even speaking! I love how you look into my eyes and see all that there is of me. i'm afraid I'm falling, so fast and so violently that not even a superhero could save me..., but I know my Daddy will alwayz be here to catch me, and save me, protect me from the world, and shelter me with love!!! I believe it kills me as much as much as it does you that you haven't seen our son in over a month. It fucking kills me to think that Louie might forget you, when ya'll were so close...when you had been there for him since he was a little less than three months old. Louie will be 7 months in three days...and you never even got a chance to see him at all when he was 6 months old...we will never get that time back and it makes me want to scream! Louie has changed and grown so much in juzt this past month and his father could no tbe there to watch him change and we don't even know how much longer it will be before he is able to see his Daddy. And Louie loves you Daddy!, he realy does! Most people don't give babies enough credit, but I know when he is in pain and I see the longing and extream desire in his eyes to be held by his Daddy! The only male he has to turn to is that fucked up excuse for a father of mine...and it kills me and eats at my soul a little more each day to see Louie, OUR son, start to want to be held by him because he needs his Daddy and his Daddy can't be there! I'm not trying to hurt you at all Daddy!. I swair!!! I juzt want to let you know how I've been suffering, how I've been preying to God every day and night to kill that fucker, not only now for what he did to me all these years and how he almost hurt Louie, but so that Louie wont be able to bond even more to a wicked, hellish deamon because he needs his Daddy's big strong arms around him to save him from all evil and wrong doings, when his Mommy's arms are too weak. Louie is so much like me that it's scarry sometimes. I can't alone give him all that he needs, Daddy. Louie needs to be delt with sometimes in the exact way that I need to. He needs to be dominated but in a loving way. I can't dominate...you should know this by now. I'm a passivest by heart and by nature. I can't have Louie turn to a tormentor juzt so he can have that sence of strong guidence, when he could have the best guidence in the world from his Daddy, who I know would never lead him wrong! I know these things hurt Daddy, but forgive me! Forgive me bacause I have to tell you...because I have to let you know what has been tormenting me by day and haunting me by night. Our Family has to remain strong! Our love will forever bind us!!!!!!! I love you Daddy and Louie loves his Daddy too 4~alwayz!!!!!!! I love you Daddy!!!!!!!
Love 4~alwayz,
Christine Danielle Chavis
6/20/06
Yea! I'm so happy I got to talk to you Daddy!!!!!!!.....You gotta finish reading the other email before you go back to class though. Louie wants to tell Daddy that he loves him: jum8hnjhrfvgb xsh t5i jkjghj ...yep that's what that means lol...well I'll let you get back to work Daddy. I love you Daddy and Louie loves you too 4~alwayz!!!!!!! I love you Daddy!!!!!!!
6/20/06
Hey Daddy!,
I love you sooooooo....muches!!!!!!! Sorry about not comming to school today...don't realy know when I'll be able to come back either....this shit is realy starting to piss me off! Fucker went to a Dr. appointment so I got a chance to talk to you, but I know your in class, so I desided to juzt write you an email and hopefull you will get it. I realy wanted to see you today Daddy, realy bad! I hope that I can tomorrow! It sux ass that I'm not in class too, because I can't work on the internet classes while i'm supose to be in class, so I have to weight until 5:00, to begin trying to even make up the time I missed today. But anymwayz Daddy, sorry for bitching about me not getting to go to school...it's juzt that I'm trying so hard to get our family together 4~alwayz, and it seems like the whole world is comming against us. But I know, as alwayz Daddy, that neither one of us will back down and that we will alwayz be strong and fight for our family! I juzt alwayz need you holding me up so that I can be strong as well Daddy, because without Louie and you I am nothing! And I realy think that is the way it should be. Well Daddy, I guess I betta go...I miss you so much!!!!!!! It's killing me to not be with me, but then again I know that yo are alwayz here holding me 4~alwayz! I love you Daddy and Louie loveshis Daddy too 4~alwayz!!!!!!! I love you Daddy!!!!!!!
Love 4~alwayz,
Christine Danielle Chavis
6/19/06
Please get back online Daddy! I want to talk to you so bad!!! I love you Daddy!!!!!!!
6/19/06
Damnet! You signed off as soon as I signed on lol...can't talk on the phone with you...so please get back on! I love you!!!!!!!
6/19/06
Hey Daddy!
I don't realy know what to say lol...I juzt wanted to let you know that I love you more than anything and to see if your cell phone worked and you can see when I write you emailes. Anymawayz, I'm sooooo...happy that I got to see you today Daddy, even if it was only a few minunts...a few minunts in heaven is worth an eturnity of hell. Well I tried to call you on your house phone a minunet ago but it was buissy and so I thought you we're on line...but I see your not lol...So I thought I'd write you an email...and then I will do some classes...I wish you were on here to tell me you love me too though...oh well ...I guess I better get to work lol...oh yeah and you will be proud of me because today I got 3 chapters and 2 test done...I'm so happy yea! It brings our family that much closer together...and I hope you have your insurence when I next talk to you because I realy want our family to be together for a least a few hours this weekend!!!!!!! I love you soooooo....muches Daddy and Louie loves you too 4~alwayz!!!!!!! I love you Daddy!!!!!!!
Love 4~alwayz!!!,
Christine Danielle Chavis
5/9/06
mkteun478n438ju89t5h7guouhnn , nlhukhukolju8okjmujtuki.vjuhkl,l ,ybmk, ol,8u9cfkjiciifirm um,lz8umm,l jtcvmujmlk,vb.ki;ki;.eijyl;prreypk um.,ml.,v nh,vgfn.,c j ,.. |
| 66 hit(s) |
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Clown Luv
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Bailey messages 2 |
June 27th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Monday, May 01, 2006
Memories...Where does time go?
2005-04-18 15:12:47 (GMT)
A letter to Toy
Toy,
Yaah, I know I haven't realy been on here in a while!
It's
not that I haven't had the time, but that I have so much
time that misuary is taking hold of it all and I can't
catch my breath without first crying for him. I feel as if
I've lost Kenndal, but I know, deep in my heart that I can
never loose him, that even the thought of loosing him is
rediculeus, but the pain is still real and still alive. I
can't get on the internet at my house anymore. Daddy has
parental lock all over that shit and this time I don't know
his password so that I can change it back. The way he's
got it I can't even get on yahoo, or go to my own sight!
But, all that shit dosen't matter. I'm alone for once in
my life, truley alone, and there ain't shit I can do about
it. I realy ment all that I said to you Friday! I miss
you Bailey! I love you!, but time has taken you away from
me too. You have changed juzt like the rest of the world,
but I know now as well as I've ever known before that, I am
a forever constant being. I realize that you nolonger only
need me to be whatever you need me for, and for you to
constantly be consouling me that someone in this world
loves me. You need other people now. You've grown out of
me, and as depressing as that is I have to keep breathing
and keep on this way in my constant state. You were the
only one who ever truly knew tha way I felt about Megan,
and how much I hated and loved my mama, and how alone I
could feel, and how I felt tha first day of 6th grade when
I was dressed in all black, with black hair, and black
lipstick, and everyone picking on me but you. You were
alwayz there, even then. You helped me through all my ups
and downs wid Adam even when it delt wid yo own family,
throough it all I juzt wanna say thank you! I also wanted
to tell you that I am pregnate and that if anything ever
happens to me and Kenndal, like we die or something, even
though I know you never planed on having children, that I
would want you to take care of Louie and however many other
babies we have and let them know how much their mommy and
daddy loved them and eachother!!!, and also make sure
scilently, that Louie knows that we will alwayz love him
best. Thank you so much for being hear for me through all
of this shit, and for letting me help you when you needed
it too! Alwayz remember, I'm your sister.
Juggalette Hommies
4~life
&
Death!,
Christine Danielle McElrath
2005-04-18 15:18:26 (GMT)
Alone
I realy miss Kenndal!!! Death is calling, but this time I
don;t want it like the longing for a hug from a best
friend, this time I actually want to live, this time I'm
looking fored to it though I know that pain is probably all
that lies in store for me, but I will except that pain, as
long as I have Kenndal's love, whick I know will be
4~alwayz!!!!!!! I realy want to keep
this diary up!!! I
realy want my last few words to be known, but I don't know
if they will be. I juzt hope that I have my baby aand I'm
in Kenndal's arms before the end comes!
Christine Danielle McElrath
2005-05-09 14:47:36 (GMT)
Parting is such sweet sorrow
Toy,
Toy,
Hey Chick!!!,
It's been a while!, hasen't it??? Well I juzt wanted to
let you know that I finally got your messages. I don't
know what's to become of me, but I do know that now, I have
a baby to protect, and love, and be the best mother to that
I possably can!!! I'm falling appart. The real me
isn't
realy hear anymore, but that's okay. Some how I have to
manage to survive, and make a happy life for me and my
child, with or without Kenndal. I love him more than I
have ever loved anyone else and I will never deny that, but
if nessessary I have to let him go. You of all people
knows that it kills me to say that, but it is verry
true!!! I don't know if I will ever see Kenndal
again, I
don't know if he will be here when I have our baby. What I
do know is that I have juzt about everything I've ever
wanted besided him. Through our love, (a love stronger
than any other ever!), and through our making love, we have
created the worlds most beautiful
child!!!!!!!, and what
more could I ask for??? Our baby came from pure, sweet,
honest, commpashionate love!!!!!!! There
was no having
sex, or fucking involved in it! There was nothing but
love!!!!!!! And for that, I am forever
greatful!!!!!!! I
would take nothing back, not even the pain that I am still
experencing this day, of possably loosing Kenndal for all
time. I know that with our chilld I have a chance! I will
put all the love that I've ever held for Kenndal into
raising our child, that way I will have never lost, but
only loved.
I wanted to say thanx for being here for me. I love you
and I hope you and Eric do well.
MCL,
Christine Danielle McElrath
I fucking love you Bailey! Alwayz remember that...here is something you wrote me a while ago.
From: diamondlettefy555@yahoo.com
Timestamp: 2005-04-18 16:33:55 GMT
In reply to: A letter to Toy
Message:
Danielle, you kno that i am alwayz here for you and i
kno you have alwayz been here for me too. We have
constantly been reminding ourselves and each other of this,
perhaps because we both dont want to let go of it. But we
dont have to, because we kno that regardless of anything,
we will alwayz be here for each other. And i have not grown
out of you, yes i do need you less, but only because you
have built me up, you have grown up in me. You have created
me tha way i am, without you, i would not be tha way i am
today, and you have made me strong. No, we are not alike,
much, but there are traces of you running all thru me and
we both kno it, and so does everyone else. Nothing can
change that. We both kno that no matter what happens btwn
you and kenndal, that you will never stray from each other.
You will never forget, you will not need to push yourself
to forget. Kenndal is a part of you more than any other man
in your life has been, and woman for that. I am so
confident to say that you would give up meagen for kenndal,
a statement that is very dangerous to make but very true. I
kno how much you love your mother out of desperacy alone,
and yet how you respectfully hate her. What else can be
expected? You must never let her consume your mind and
pollute it and your love. And you kno that would happen,
me, Kenndl, we would all be gone. You must never surrender
to that which would destroy you. And you kno that if you
ever had a child and i could get it, that i would under any
circumstance. I have alwayz known that. I was thinking
about it tha other day actually. Really, I would take it in
for you and kenndal and you kno that i would. I would fight
with everything to get tha child, and teach it about you,
and let it kno every day that it's mama and daddy loved it
so very much. Yes, you kno i am here and always will and
now i have found a ay to stay over tha summer and be here.
We have two years before you can get away. Just two years
before you can leave all of this. Just hold on to anything
until then. And we will alwayz be sisters, just like on
ginger snaps back as they say, "together forever", no
matter what. we will be true juggalette homies for life and
death and nothing can stop us, just remember that if
anything. Nothing can stop us, together forever. |
| 54 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Clown Luv
|
|
Bailey messages |
June 27th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
|
Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 10:08:33 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Bailey Swicegood" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: Re: bailey
To: "Danielle McElrath"
Tha diary name is Toy and tha diary name is Play with Me. Come on now, my nickname AND ICP lyrix? Come on chik. Well, yo ass better be at tha Blackout tonight
Danielle McElrath wrote:
I don't know what it is! You have to give it to me so I can read it.
Bailey Swicegood wrote:
Read my diary
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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I Love Kenndal 4~alwayz!!!
Christine Danielle McElrath
Date: Thu, 25 Aug 2005 15:35:48 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Bailey Swicegood" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: TOY
To: "Danielle Talley"
Danielle. I wanna come home. I can come home. Find out if I can stay with you as soon as possible. Ive been trying to call you and have left alot of messages. I will call you this weekend constantly. Im coming home. I love you and miss you so much. Whats going on?
TOY
Date: Tue, 25 Oct 2005 17:17:32 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Bailey Swicegood" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: hey
To: "Danielle Talley"
hey, you didnt call me back tha other day. I called you like twice yesterday i thibk but noone answered, probably cuz youre dad saw my name on caller id. But ne wayz.... um, what was up with you callin me? I didnt see that one comin. Weve been through shit before danielle, shit kind of like this, but it hasnt been that bad. And I dont kno what it is, but you abandoned me. You understand that dont you? You dont trust me, you dont act like you used to...man, were supposed to be juggalette homiez for life and death alwayz man, and you dont do this kind of shit. no matter what is goin on i wasnt backstabbin you or doin any bullshit, and then you pulled that out of no where with tha dont call me again shit. And i kno youre going thru some shit, but damnit this aint easy. You kno what its like to be abandoned. Kenndal did it to you. And then you did it to me. I stuck by you through everything we went thru ever. whatever it was, no questions asked, i was there and you and everyone else knew that. So, this is something serious and bigger than before, and this is something that we need to talk about. If you choose to write me back or call me again, and i dont kno if you will. But, if nething weve ever been thru means ne thing, i would hope that you would try to settle this out. ive done everything i can, and ive alwayz gone tha extra mile for you. Now its your turn.
***TOY***
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Date: Mon, 31 Oct 2005 16:00:24 -0800 (PST)
From: "Bailey Swicegood" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: Re: hey
To: "Danielle McElrath"
well i was just gettin on to write you back actually when here you are heheh... um, because i didnt think that you would write me back but i just wanted to let you kno that i hoped you were doin okay with tha baby and shit. Im doin better man, really. My repord card i got a 72 in chemistry and i was so happy because i justknew that i had failed and that is a c up here not a d. And i didnt fail ne classes. Me and julie hang out all tha time and i been gettin into ne trouble *( well besides tha usual heheh..) and im keepin shit up. I know that everyone who you ever thought you could trust has turned your back on you, but i seriously didnt kno this time. I knew things have been tha worse they have ever been. And truthfully i didnt think that we could pull through this because you really dont kno how much that phone call that day hurt me. And i have been around way before whats his face and adam and fuckin nicole has ever or will ever be. And i kno that it is hard to believe or even comprehend for you but i have kept coming back and trying my hardest. everyone has told me to fuck you and forget you because of this shit and, here i am. I didnt think you still considered ,me your sister for whatever reason. And i kno that your pregnant and all but tha only difference that has caused you is to get fat and have mood swings. Thats it. it seemed like you thought you were better than me. Because tha shit that i do, ive followed your advice. You told me to use tim for drugs and money that time, i did that with megan, but when i stopped coke and shit it was for money. You told me to lose my virginity to someone i didnt give a damn about, and i did, then i dropped him. im not wanting to stick to a guy here. you taught me how to use guys and make themm feel special, and i love jon, so im doing that to keep him around. You taught me not to trust peopel. I thought i had learned that. then you struck me down. But if you think that we can pick this up, than we can. its been years danielle. You kno me, really you do, but you expect me to let you down so bafd that you practically want it. You ask for it! And all ive ever done is be there. And i will be there. You and louie are all that matter to me. Tha last entry on my diary that isnt finnished wouldve said that. I just havent finnished typing it. Its all wrote down. you and Louie. And i kno that were going through shit. But thats okay. Down here ive learned that real juggalo family or just real peopel are hard to come by. Everyopne ditches everyone, say that theyre down, and ditch there family. Back home there are only a few of us and we cherish it. I have grown closer to tha saga and everything completely. Heh, tonight im goin trick or treating with a lot of peopel with 3 of us' face painted wicked clown style! But, get up with me sometuimme. And write me back or call me or something. I really wanna get shit fixed. Juggalo homiez 4~life and deatrh right? heheh.. ***TOY***
Danielle McElrath wrote:
Toy,
Yeah I know that all tha shit you sayin is tru...it's juzt that I've been goin thro alot of shit lately and everything has been strange as hell. I mean ur right I didn't fuckin trust u. I don't fuckin trust nobody, and you have to understand why. I mean that shit wid (what's his name) has fucked me up good. I mean maybe it's 4 tha better, like u and me alwayz seem to believe after shit like that 'cuz we get stronger...but this shit has realy turned me into a fuckin ice queen. Like u said I don't fuckin trust nobody and I don't fuckin love nobody...I'm like u were be4 Eric came and fucked that up 4 you. I'm like fuck everybody...but it realy goes beyond that and that's kinda scarry 'cuz I even pushed you away. I mean I felt and steel kinda feel like everyfuckinbody is out to get me so I wuz like fuck this I am through wid everybody! I mean that's even why Nicole said that she don't realy like being around me cuz she said that I seem like I'm juzt fuckin mad all tha time at everybody and everything. I don't know wut tha fuck is goin on...I juzt know that me and u are fuckin sisters and we will alwayz be, even tho all dis shit went down and I treated u like shit and all that...but u gotta understand that I still think that u did that shit wid Damon and that has realy fucked wid me too! I mean realy fuckin | | |