Im not really sure what to think about, and Im so confused about everything. Sometimes I feel like I havent got enough strength to live this life. I feel like people would look at me like I am an emo little brat, but I really dont know right now. Everything is so confusing and over welming. Things are just coming at me too fast from every way. It really feels like I can't do anything right. Im happy, but it still feels like its not good enough for people around me. I dont want to think about moving, about space, about death or anything. In a way I just want to go back to going to school, and not worrying. I have a headache. I dont want to stay, and I dont want to go home. I dont know what Im going to do, people are always pressuring me from every which way, and I dont know what to say. I just dont know what to do anymore, about anything.

Prom was amazing. After Prom was amazing. Prom weekend was amazing. I had a really good weekend of pretending that the world didn't exsist, and spending time with the people I love. Friends and Boyfriend. I've had to bounce back into reality, and its kinda sad. I feel kinda old today.

"People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers."

Well I finally have a new computer! OHMAHGOSHYAY!!! But the only thing is that its really not mine, its my dads. My old fucked up one is mine though, and I'm getting it fixed....with VISTA! hahaha And no vista doesnt suck. to me anyways. its really not totally like the mac commercial. It does ask you to do alot of things, but its not annoying like. Its pretty cool actually. I can't wait to get the other one fixed, then I wont be on this one. because my other one will have internet. w00t! So right now as it stands I dont have photoshop, but thats alright, I will get buy. Im soo cool ;) lol yeah right. Im a little worried about a couple of things though. I dont know, someone I know hasnt been the nicest to me. Or everyone actually. This person has been quite an ass. And its hurt alot of people. Including me. Some people have seemed to resolve things with him, but no one speaks up for me. sigh, oh well, i guess i will work this one out myself when i get the chance. Sometimes I hate people. They can be to two-faced.

Some people may think that actually saying that your life sucks, and you feel like dieing is just over dramatics. People complain about their lives each and everyday and someone is always there to tell you that people all around the world have it worse then you. Like you complain about your boyfriend breaking up with you, and someone can always come up with the “there are starving kids overseas, you know. Your life isn’t that bad at least.” You have trouble with your parents and someone is always there to tell you “You know there are some people with no parents, so it’s not that bad.” Well, you know what; I’m really sick and tired of someone telling me, it’s not that bad. Because to me, it really is that bad. I may not know what its like to starve, but I know that I would rather be an orphan in an unknown country than have the parents I have now. And I know that I would rather live in an actually war zone, then the mental war zone I live in now. I’m not saying that I’m trying to be selfish, but I am being selfish. I am allowed to speak out about what is bothering me. I am allowed to have a voice in my own. Does the fact that there are people suffering all over the world make my suffering any less important? My life just plain sucks sometimes. That is what I have to say, that even though I know people around me, people in distant countries, and people all over the world might be having a crappier day then I am, that I am human, and I feel pain too. My pain might not be as great as another’s, but I feel it just the same. Let’s focus on the bad in my life for one second, I am going to list everything that can make me cry, and just plain get me down. Let’s start off at the root of all the problems I have in my life, one simple word. Mother. My mother…well let’s not say mother. More like the woman who gave birth to me. In my mind her name is Sarah now. Well, Sarah, being the dead beat mom she is, has caused me so much pain over these last few years. I’m sure someone knows how it feels right? Well not all of your mothers and fathers are perfect, right? At least one of you has a parent that has left. And I’m not talking about when you were little, and couldn’t know any better, I mean in the last 4-5 years. When you knew better, you knew right from wrong, and you tried to love everyone to the fullest. I trusted her, and no matter how badly she treated me at times, I loved her. For years, and years she brainwashed me. I was little, and I didn’t know any better. Then she just left, left everything. I am not going to go into detail about the 3 years in between then and now. I will just tell you recently. I have decided that I am finished with her. Everything that has happened over the years, I’ve decided I have had enough. I am done with her. I don’t ever want to speak to her again. My final decision was made when yet again, she choose to care more about a moron that abused her then her own two children. Of course when she found out that I want nothing to do with her, she decided that it was all my fathers fault. Which it wasn’t. But now I have to try and escape from her on Monday. She says she is going to come see us, but I don’t see that happening. I wrote a letter for her, and I am going to be as for away from my house as I can be. Then there is my Dad, who I love to death no matter what he does. But he has one problem, drinking. And because of that problem, he causes a lot of others. Sometimes he is really good with not wanting to drink, other times he’s not. Sometimes he makes m e feel like he doesn’t care what other people think about it. But I know he is really trying to make him self better. Then there is always the little problems that come with it. Jenn, my dads girlfriend, is like a mother to me. I really care about her. And when my dad drinks, things get messed up between them. A lot of the time I don’t know whether he’s coming or going. That really messes me up sometimes, because of the whole thing to do with my mother. Right now I am not really sure where it is at either. I’m not really sure if its alright between the two of them or not. Then there is my grandmother, who constantly brings me down. I am all wrong to her. I cant say anything right, I can’t do anything right. To her all I do it piss and complain to her. But its all her. She snaps at me, and treats me like crap. I seriously want her dead. She will sit there and snap at me over something so small, and then the next thing I know she’s talking about me behind my back saying that I’m snapping at her. I really cant wait till I am away from her. There are a lot of bads in my life, but you always have to remember the goods too. One of the biggest goods in my life is John. I love him so much, and he loves me. We plan a life together. To tell you the truth, we’ve planned everything from where we are moving in together, to the names of our children. I love him more than words can describe and he is seriously my shining light. Sometimes things don’t always go that great, and like normal people we have our disagreements. But in the end we always work things out to the better. I am not saying that we are perfect. We’ve worked really hard to get where we are, and that’s the thing about a relationship, you have to work at it. It’s a two person job that takes a lot of give and take. We know how to work things out between us, and we know what to do and not to do. In the end it works out to us being really, really happy. When I say my life sucks, I don’t mean that its terrible. I mean that at the moment, Im not happy. This is not where I would like to be. It means that I am not doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, and how I want things to go. I mean I don’t expect everything to be perfect, but I at least want control over my own life. Someday I will have that, but right now, I can barely keep up with everything.

Haha my computer almost had it a while back there. I seriously thought it would never work again. But We got it to work. Not perfectly like we wanted to, but back its good old no start bar self. But my key board is toast, but we got a new one. SO YAY! lol Thats why I'm actually putting an effort into writing an entry. My keyboard it pretty cool. Well this week has been alright, well apart from a few things. Some people haven't been that great towards me. Someone is actually making me feel pretty crappy. But of course this person doesnt realize it. Oh well, there is nothing I can really do. School is going pretty well. Im really enjoying art class and comtech. But for my American History ISU I have to figure out what Im doing. I want to do soemthing with womens rights. Ugh well Im being kicked off the computer now because my brother wants "alone time" with Jenna....ugh. God I wish thte computer wasn't down here sometimes. [edit] People are twofaced....thats all I got to say.

-Got another job interview...didnt get the job. -have another job interview for tomorrow. -im not in a good mood -people suck -i've got satelite -my life is too fucked up

Just some stuff on my mind. Point form again. -Pizza Hut sucks. Ass holes hired my brother, and the sister of some girl. -Karen, Colton and Jesse's mom, totally just put her neck on the line to try and get me a job at price choppers. -Dad's drunk -School is cool...i guess. -Dad's drunk -Brother's high -Dad's high -Dad's drunk -Julie and Dave(next door) had a fight. Boy did I get a rude awakening that Durham cops are shitty. Julie was hit, Dave got away with it. Cops were rude to a battered women, and a disabled child. Pigs. It makes me want to do something -Jenn's gone....for good... -Talked to my Dad, he knows Im moving. He's upset, but hes not going to stop me. Knows I have to grow up sometime. -Dad got drunk and ruined a moment, made me cry. -My mom is addicted to Crack, Cociane, and E. -Scratch that, I dont have a mom, its just the women who gave birth to me. -Dad compared my wrist to his drinking. -I feel like the teachers pet in english -Im proud I knew something the teach didnt in comtech -History is fun -I worry about my dad, but he doesnt care. Pretty sure he's drunk. -I've been treatened with "Auntie Linds" by my future niece....man I feel old. -All people obsess over is drinking, its really starting to bother me. -Someone important to me, said something importand and made me feel better. -I miss someone right now. -I look forward to tomorrow -And I am NOT like her....dont ever say that again. Thats all....the world sucks sometimes.

OK! FAST UPDATE! -Job interview tomorrow -Looking forward to this semester -Im happy about Comtech. For two reasons, computer is crack to me. And I actually get to spend time in class with two people who actually qualify as a friend -ART WITH OUT HARLOF! *dances* -I actually like English -Im happy, I might have a job. -Looking forward to valentines day. -I have to call the clinic....SOON -No, I'm not preggo, I need to get a neddle. -Save money for two reasons(just-in-case and 12 string guitar) -Im nervous about tomorrow. -Today was great...JUST GREAT! I mean it really. The day started off kinda crappy. I was kinda put after an inatimate object. But then when I spent the day with him it was like home. I cooked, cleaned, and spent time doing at home stuff. It was like a real taste of living together. -Yeah...this is cliche, but I miss him. Yeah, I realize that this entry is kinda in code, only a few people will get it. Oh well, my journal, my life, my writing. Oh Im so nervous...I really need this job. PS. Note to self: Don't forget to call for a THIRD time >_>

You know what I hate. Arguments. Cold weather. Bad days. Horrible teachers. Short goodbyes. Goodbyes in general. Hanging up. I hate alot of things sometimes, sometimes its just to much to list... ...but you know what I love. Happy moments. Long hugs. Passionate kisses. Great friends. Laughing. Looking forward to tomorrow. Cuddling when its cold. Solft blankets. Warm skin. Sometimes I think of all the things I hate, and all the things I love, and the love and happiness always weighs out the bad, and I smile. Because I know that no matter what most of the time Im happy. I know that if Im having a bad day, something will make it better. Thats why I love life. Thats why I look forward to each day. Thats why I can't wait for the future. Thats why I love you. Because no matter what, no matter all the bad times, I always know you make me happy in the end. I always know you will love me, and that small arguments are normal. I always know that you are there for me, even if I told you to leave you would stay. So no matter what, you always make me happy. I love you.

Im actually happy. For once in a life time I've actually made it to happy. Tomorrow is our 8 month anniversary, Now 8 months is a long time to some people, but it sorta isn't, and it sorta is. Not when you plan for the future. My mom is finally actually trying, although I don't think she ever got my e-mail. My dad has a job, and even though its hard work, hes still happy. Im setting goals, and its making me happy. Although some things are shitty, I look on the bright side. I love life today :)

I actually wrote this today, And sent it. First time in a long time I've told her how I actually feel. _______________ Hi Mom. Its great that your getting things sorted out, and your feeling better. Sorry I've been really busy lately, I haven't had much of a chance to call. I've got alot going on in school and with life really. In school I have 4 big projects, and Im failing physics. So I have to get my mark up, and do those projects. But Im doing really well other wise. 95 in art, 85 in ancient history, and 82 in writers craft. Plus John's aunt is in the hospital, and there is alot going on there. She's really sick, and they think she might not make it. John's upset about it, and Im kinda sad, cause I liked her. Other than that I've just been really busy. Well not totally busy, But when ever I have the time to call, I never know what to say. I dont want to hurt you, but Im sick of lying to myself and you. Everything thats happened, for the past 3 years has really hurt me. Its hard to have you come and go so much, and to tell the truth, I've actually developed a phobia. Its called Athagoraphobia, and its the fear of being abandoned. Everything thats happened has really messed me up. And messed alot of other things up. I'm just tired of being hurt, I want to believe in you, and hope that you'll stick around longer, and keep your promises. I want to know what it feels like to have a mother who really does care about you. Although you say you do, sometimes the things you did made it feel otherwise. I don't know what or who to believe anymore. Over the last few years I've had to go through alot, and learned alot about what happened. I think I know more than you realize. I feel a little hurt that you never tell me the truth. I've also developed this hate of being lied too. I know alot, although you dont bother to tell me, I do find out. But what Im trying to say is that, one of the hardest things I've had to go through was finding out about your atempted suicide. I found out from Dad, Nanny, and David all talking about it infront of me. No one bothered to tell me. I was hurt. No one tells me much anymore, but it just hurt finding out that way. I mean your not the only one who's got screwed up over the last few years, I've just found a better way to deal with it then drugs and alcohol. I write. Maybe I haven't always been truthfull, but I've been told to be nice, and not to say anything. But Im confused, and scared. I'm scared of getting hurt again. Things are messed up, I want them to get better. But I try. Prove to me that I can believe in you again. I've forgiven you for things in the past, but I need to know that you really want to try again this time. I really need to know that your going to be there for me. I haven't had a mother for 3 years, I haven't had someone to turn to, someone to tell things too, someone to be there for me. I never had anyone there for me when I went through all the hard times, and good times. I've changed so much, and there is so much I want to tell you. I want my mother back. Someone who was there for me, someone who never betrayed me, someone i felt that loved me. Im in love now. Think me foolish or not, I dont care. I really can see the rest of my life with John. We have plans for the future. I was never stupid, and i was always responsible. The day I turned 17, I thought alot about where I would be if i were you. When people would tell me that having a child at 17 would ruin my life, i started thinking, about how i must of ruined yours. It bothers me all the time. I think about where you and dad would be if i never exsisted, maybe you both would be happy living your own lives. I don't believe you would be togther, but I think sometimes that Im the reason that you two are unhappy. When bad things happen to you, I blame myself. Im just really messed up. If it wasn't for John being there for me, I dont know what would become of me. He's very important to me, and I really was looking forward to you meeting him. He was there on monday when you were supposed to come. He helped me alot through that day, so did my teacher Ms Gillard. You met her, shes a nice woman, she looks out for the kids in our school. If your in one of her classes, she makes sure your alright. She loves me and david, shes always going on about how we are so alike. But shes there for us when we need someone. She was there for me too. I dont mean to hurt you by telling you some of these things, but I need to tell you. I need you to know that you hurt me, and that Im scared. That I need you. As much as i resented you, and wanted nothing to do with you, i need you. Not the way you were, I need you to care, I need you to be the way you used to be. I just hope everything works out for us. I really need you back. I seriously haven't cried so much in my life as i have in the past 3 years, especially in the past 7 or 8 months. I need everything to get better. Love Lindsey

Well I’m just sitting here bored really. Well I should be doing my writers craft homework, but then again, it’s not really homework. I choose to bring it home. I might work on it if I feel like it; I still have to have a shower. I’ve basically got no time to be on here, but after the last few days I just have to unwind. Well I have been thinking lately, thinking about what I want to do with my life, and thinking about where I want to be after high school. A few weeks ago if you asked me what I wanted to do, and where I wanted to be, I would have told you that I wanted to go into graphic design at Durham, and move in with John. Well that’s sort of changed now. For the longest time I’ve been contemplating whether I should take a year off or not and lots of people have told me many things. That it’s a bad I idea, that you will regret it. That you should, that it’s a good break, and a good experience. I’ve decided that, that is what I want to do. I want to take a year off, and still move in with John. But I don’t think I will be living here in Oshawa or going to Durham. John and I have been talking about things, and he wants to help his mother in Thunder Bay, but at first I didn’t want to go, so he wasn’t going to go. I though about it for a while, and that’s where I got to thinking, I’m already going to take a year off, and then I’m not sure if I want to go into graphic design anymore. So why not just go. So that’s it, after a small period of living at Johns house, we are going to save up, and move. Of course I’m scared to go somewhere new; of course I’ll miss my best friends. I’ll stay in contact though. I never want to loose the good ones. The only family I’m going to miss is my brother, and my father. But me moving out is a good thing. Because my dad can finally move in with Jenn. I know he doesn’t want his children moving away, but this will be better for us all. He can live with Jenn, they can be happy, and I can be happy. We will have a family, but I will just be away. That’s part of the reason why I want to leave. My father is happy, and sometimes I feel like I’m holding him back. I’m almost an adult now, and I can make my own choices, and he really loves Jenn, but because me and my brother he can’t really move in with her. I think this will help him in the long run. Of course I love my father, and I will stay in contact with him, but he can have his own family. Marry Jenn, and be as father to her two children. I’m not really a part of that, and I understand. Of course I look at Jenn as almost a mother figure, but I’m not a direct part of that family. I need my own family as well, I need to grow. I’ve finally found the love of my life, and I know he’s not going anywhere, and I need to be on my own with him. It’s not about sex, like some people would think. This is about life, and love, and a family. We just want to be together, and that’s how we want our life. Anyways, I think I’m pretty much done. I need some sleep.

Its been forever since I've used this thing, well maybe not forever, but a while. I remember when i used to write on thi like everyday, even if it was a short entry. I used to always have something to say. Well i still have something to say everyday, but its not as important, or i dont seem to have anytime, or I dont want the people who read this to find anything out they shouldn't. There are certian things that people just dont want to read about in the first place. Well lately, i've had a couple of good moments, and a couple of bad moments. I've felt like i've been forgotten. And felt like i was unloved. But then found out that it was a miss interpertation, and still feel a little forgotten. Lets start with the forgotten. Well about a month ago was my birthday, and my dad didnt have enough money to buy me a real gift. and recently, my dad comes home and is spending a whole bunch of money. And i didnt get a gift. Plus the fact that it felt like he was drinking too. And that just upset me. And stuff happened between me and john. He said one thing, and then we got into a little talk about stuff. and basicly he said that he felt like he should be over possesive, and over possesive to me means that im an object, and that i cant be trusted, and that he has to own me. and to me that feels like he doesnt really love me, and i started to cry, and everything came out, but after we talked for a bit, he told me thats not what he ment, and he does love me. and by the time he left we were all happy again. It was a messed up weekend. But tomorrow is school. And I have a lot of homework. =( uugghhh Save me.....please!

Alright, so remember all the angry updated I had last year when I was in yearbook class? Well high-de-ho, I’m in another one of Solorzano’s classes. I’ve had her every single freaking year since I’ve been at this school! I’m thankful for one thing though; she doesn’t seem to be as bad in this class. She wasn’t all that bad in drama, but she still pushed on a lot of work. Maybe it’s because I actually want to do the work in this class. This morning was alright, but I wouldn’t say it was great. I had timmy’s in the morning, which was good, but then I got to school, and things kind of went down hill from there. I’m still kinda feeling what I was feeling this morning. Not that anyone really cares. I need to get some things off my chest though. I’m probably going to write a private entry after I write this one. Well we finally got a car, so that’s a good thing. I no longer have to take the bus anywhere anymore. I’m happy about that. Jenn is going to get me a job at Zellers too. She says the job sucks, but its money, and I need it. With Johns birthday coming up, and the concert day closing in. I need cash. Hopefully I will be able to get money soon. I can’t wait to go to the concert. I’m really excited too, because I might be getting a backstage pass. That means possibly meeting Ville Valo, and getting his autograph. Im also in need of new clothes lol and I keep seeing clothes everywhere that I want. My grandmother is taking me to this vintage thrift shop on the weekend, maybe, hopefully I will come back with some new t-shirts, and maybe a jacket of some sort. I could use a new jacket. My mother took the one I had, which I really loved. School has been good, now that I got out of fitness, and into physics. Although I hate math, I would rather be doing math then step aerobics. Then I have writers craft, ancient history, and art. I’m very happy with all my classes for this semester. I still need a good nights sleep though.

The Rasmus - Ice I see you try to avoid me You ain't so friendly Cold like ice, I can see what that means Let me explain first why I haven't been around I let you know why I haven't seen you every day Been busy with the band, if you know what that means I heard you’re talking things about me, building barricades around me So real friendship Wasn't real at all, it seems And if it's so that you're talking shit behind my back, I'll let you know I can fight back in the cruelest way So I'm asking for peace, if you know what that means Say it again if you want to depress me (say it again, da da da da da) Say it again, go ahead I feel nothing Say it again if you want to depress me (say it again, da da da da da) Say it again, go ahead I feel nothing You wanna say something to me Come and say something to me What is wrong with you, may I ask And if it's so that you’re talking shit behind my back, I’ll let you know I can fight back in the cruelest way So I’m asking for peace, if you know what that means Say it again if you want to depress me (say it again, da da da da da) Say it again, go ahead I feel nothing Say it again if you want to depress me (say it again, da da da da da) Say it again… I feel nothing And if it’s so that you’re talking shit behind my back, I’ll let you know I can fight back in the cruelest way So I’m asking for peace, if you know what that means Say it again if you want to depress me (say it again, da da da da da) Say it again, go ahead I feel nothing Say it again if you want to depress me (say it again, da da da da da) Say it again… I feel nothing Say it again if you want to depress me (And if it’s so that you’re talking shit behind my back) (say it again, da da da da da) (I’ll let you know that I can fight back in the cruelest way) Say it again, (So I’m asking for peace) I feel nothing (if you know what that means) Say it again if you want to depress me (And if it’s so that you’re talking shit behind my back) (say it again, da da da da da) (I’ll let you know that I can fight back in the cruelest way) Say it again, (So I’m asking for peace) I feel nothing (if you know what that means)

Alright so pretty much just woke up and already I've had a horrible day. Really I wake up in pain, then the next thing i know, John and Thomas arent online, so that means not seeing them anytime soon. Im sitting here in pain, and my father calls telling me hes coming home. At frist Im happy, thinking that he got the Job finished, but no he hurt himself and hes not coming home cause hes finished hes coming home cause he burned his leg on the flame torch. The doctors said he has to stay off of it for 3-5 days. So thats a bitter sweet ending. Its only what, 11 in the morning, and already everything is going wrong. Lets just say the world hates me today. Schools in a week and im looking forward to it. Lets hope its not a dissapointment. Well on the gift front. I've gotten the ring, $20 from Jenn, $40 from my grandparents, and $50 from grandmother. Of course all my money is gone. lol Thats just how I am. No I havent gotten anything from my mother. Didnt even get a phone call. I got a watch(as a replacement gift) from my father and brother. Im supposed to get my real one this weekend, but thats not happening, its not bothering me much though, because I would rather see my father alright, and not have his leg burned then have my birthday present. I wonder whats going to happen to the rest of the day, if its going to be as horrible as I started. I only wish that it gets better, because I dont want things to get worse at this moment. For some real weird reason, I feel down, and I dont know why. Lets see how today goes.

Alright I got my first birthday gift today. And it was from John. Here it is. The ring's distinctive design features two hands clasping a heart surmounted by a crown. The elements of this symbol are often said to correspond to the qualities of friendship (the hands), loyalty (the crown) and love (the heart) that are said to combine in a good marriage. The way that a claddagh ring is worn on the hand is usually intended to convey some indication of the wearer's romantic availability. It is generally true that if the ring is on the right hand with the heart facing towards the hand, indicates that the person wearing the ring is in a serious relationship (his/her heart is closed). A ring worn on the right hand, with the heart outward, away from the hand, the person wearing the ring is not in any serious relationship (the heart is open). A claddagh worn on the left hand with the heart toward the hand indicates marriage. The other orientation (heart outward) may indicate nothing, widowhood, or being engaged. Well since Thomas mentioned in his entry about John and me, I might as well say it, Yes we are engaged as of today. Im very happy about this :)

Me and Thomas have started our own Pirate Fleet. Hes Captain Flapjack of the Sea-Spankin Juggernaut. And I'm Commodore Lindsey of the Ohshit! ship. Together we are the meanest Pirate-Vampires around. Pirate's Code: 1. Every man shall have an equal vote in affairs of moment. He shall have an equal title to the fresh provisions or strong liquors at any time seized, and shall use them at pleasure unless a scarcity makes it necessary for the common good that a retrenchment may be voted. 2. Every man shall be called fairly in turn by the list on board of prizes, because over and above their proper share, they are allowed a shift of clothes. But if they defraud the company to the value of even one dollar in plate, jewels or money, they shall be marooned. If any man rob another he shall have his nose and ears slit, and be put ashore where he shall be sure to encounter hardships. 3. None shall game for money, either with dice or cards. 4. The lights and candles shall be put out at eight at night, and if any of the crew desire to drink after that hour they shall sit upon the open deck without lights. 5. Each man shall keep his piece, cutlass and pistols at all times clean and ready for action. 6. No boy or woman to be allowed amongst them. If any man shall be found seducing one of the latter sex and carrying her to sea disguised, he shall suffer death. [Im an exception, 'cause I'm a Commodore] 7. He that shall desert the ship or his quarters in time of battle shall be punished by death or marooning. 8. None shall strike another aboard the ship, but every mans quarrel shall be ended on shore by sword or pistol in this manner: at the word of command from the Quartermaster, each man being previously placed back to back, shall turn and fire immediately. If any man do not, the Quartermaster shall knock the piece out of his hand. If both miss their aim, they shall take to their cutlasses, and he that draws the first blood shall be declared the victor. 9. No man shall talk of breaking up their way of living til each has a share of £1,000. Every man who shall become a cripple or loose a limb in the service shall have eight hundred pieces of eight from the common stock, and for lesser hurts proportionately. 10. The Captain and the Quartermaster shall each receive two shares of a prize, the Master Gunner and Boatswain, one and one half shares, all other officers one and one quarter share, and private gentlemen of fortune one share each. ------ I was kinda bored, and I was talking to Thomas and we decided that Vampire Pirates are cool. But I still have to convince John. Nothing really that exciting has happened to me lately. I've been bored most of the time. But my birthday is coming up soon. :)

Well for those of you who didn’t realize that, that last little poem thing was about my mother, well you know now. It’s just that she called me. After 4 months of ignoring me, she calls. But I was out, and my grandmother answered the phone. I was thankful she didn’t tell me when I got home. It would have ruined the great day I had with John, my mother called on our 4 month anniversary. So I wake up the next morning, to have my grandmother come in my room and tell me that my mother called, and that I can call her back tonight. So all through out the day I have to make the decision to call her or not. That was hard for me. I went through a lot. I thought about a lot, and I cried about the things I thought about. I don’t often cry that much. But I cried for an hour straight trying to decide what to do. Then my dad calls. Not only does he call and talk to me about what I should do, he calls to get her number and call her and bitch at her. And on the plus side he had already been drinking. So I was really upset. My dad drinking, my mother phoning, and all the other things that were going through my mind. I tried desperately to get John on the phone. But he wasn’t at home, he was busy. And I sat alone in my room crying for hours. So after a while, I was finding out things that my mother said to my grandmother on the phone, but she wouldn’t tell me the whole conversation. I got really angry and demanded to know the whole conversation, but she couldn’t remember. Finally I decided to call, and when I do that, her dumb ass boyfriend answers the phone. I almost hang up right away, or start yelling. But I asked if Sarah was there, Sarah would be my mother’s name, and he said she would call back in 5 minutes, and asked who it was, I just said “it’s her daughter”. So half an hour later, I didn’t get a phone call. I tried again, and again her boyfriend answered the phone. So I get to talk to her, but its not really talking to her. She’s not interested at all in talking to me. She asks what’s new, and I just told her that I finished school, John and I are still together and that’s about it I guess. I had no clue what she remembered about the last time we talked. Then we didn’t really talk, she talked more to her boyfriend while they were playing Monopoly then she did with me on the phone. So there was a silence and she said, that she was going to let me go, cause I’m not talking. I almost yelled at her, I almost said “what the hell do you expect, how the hell am I supposed to know what to say to a woman who hasn’t bothered with me for 4 months.” But I didn’t, and I asked, so what happened? And she told me that she was “sick” and that she’s “getting better” but I know she was addicted to drugs. Then after that, she hung up, and the phone conversation was over. I cried again for about half an hour. Then I tried to call John, but didn’t get through to him. So I had to wait for him to call me. After that I talked to him for a while. And then I went to sleep. After that I was fine. Lately I’ve been thinking. Last night my dad and brother came home at around 1am and woke me up just by being loud. So I got up, and ate some of the pizza they brought. And then my grandmother and father talked about my mother. I was sitting right there, so I could hear them. Then they started talking about how my mother tried to kill herself. And then my brother joined in. And that’s how I found out my mother tried committing suicide. She couldn’t even tell her daughter herself. I hate how I found out, and how I was the last to find out. I hate my mother. She ruins everything. I was happy without her; of course I had my moments where I wanted a mother, not her, a real mother. And then I would think about how she was never really a mother, but I still loved her, and how she just left one day. Then later on, when my dad and grandmother went to sleep, I talked to my brother about some stuff. And he told me that Jenn and my dad had a huge fight about my mother calling. So that hurt me a lot. Jenn is the only thing I have close to a mother, and I care about her a lot. And when something happens between her and my father, it affects me as well. I’m just sick of getting hurt by everyone. I’m scared to let people in now because I think everyone is just going to hurt me. Half of me wants to be alone for ever, and the other half just wants to be with one person. I don’t know how I would be if I didn’t have John right now. I’m just real messed up and confused about everything. The irony of it all, my mother cut her wrists. She has two tattoos on her wrists, of some Chinese letters. And they mean Strong and Courage or something like that. And she cut them. Some how I feel responsible. I know I’m not. But I feel like I ruined her life, and that I shouldn’t be living. That I some how gave her the idea. When ever that woman is around, or hearing from her or about her, I feel like I shouldn’t be alive. That I was a mistake to everyone’s life. And that I’m not worth it anymore. Lets do the tally, I have a father addicted to alcohol, a mother addicted to drugs. Both who have hurt me through the sixteen years of my life. And all I want is out. I want to get away from this life. And forget about everything that hurt me. I wish someone could just save me already.