I used to write, I haven't wanted to write in a very long time. Maybe I should just sit with a pencil and paper and see what comes out. Honestly, I think I'm scared to...

...I got a lot of them. Too bad I'm scared of the honest answer. I want to be something to her again. I still and always will love her.

I want to do nothing more than to fall into a dark deep hole and have no one save me.

Wow, I was looking at all these past entries and laughing...They are all from about two years ago, and I can't even believe I wrote them they are so ridiculous. I just remembered this website existed, ha. It is a good thing I found this though beacause I couldn't find any paper yet I need to rant. Not to anyone really just that gotta get something out feeling. Nothing seems to be really right with me lately. I'm just living this life I'm not sure I even want to be living. God. I graduated early, and now I'm lost. I miss my friends, ones I used to have before I basically abandoned then completely. I ruined those relationships by being an idiot. I miss my friend Maddison the most...our friendship meant the world to me. I hate that I always fuck good friendships up. Matt,Jade,Lauran,Lauren,Rizzo,Lacy, Vic, Madd,my god I can't keep them aroud long. Now I have my girlfriend Rosanna who I am completely in love with and have been through everything, and Jonathan...and once again I find myself drifting in the friendship. I love Rosanna, but the friendship with her and jonathan is different. Ha, you know what makes it the worst I just got a tattoo with the two of them. Well, whatever because I'm making this work, I can't lose out on great people again. I just wish I could've had them and Maddison, but you can win them all. Thats okay Madd seems to be doing really well, and I'm so happy for her. I love that she knows what she wants to do. I wish I did...maybe if I lost the feeling of uselessness and had a feeling of a future I'd be happier. I just have no idea. I know I want to move and with Rosanna and Jonathan thats to Portland so they can get to reaching their goals, but what will I do there? I don't know but it is away from Oklahoma and away from Texas. I miss Norman if anyone happens to read this from my past. I probably miss you, I miss the simpleness, and the knowing. Thats okay though, at this point I need a risk. I've fucked most things up, I might as well just go for it...whatever it is. Hopefully when I'm donr I'll have my best friends with me. Maddison if you ever come back to sitdiary and read this...I miss you, and know I want the best for you. You should know I am sorry for abandoning our friendship. I don't know if you were angry, but I guess you were the one that always knew high school would split people...and I was always the one saying we'd stick together...of course I fucked up. Right now, I'm just depressed and feel alone. I need someone to be close to. I need to be able to speak to people instead of just typing my feelings away. This is all causing me to go crazy. I need. I want. Do I deserve?

I don't know why I even visit this site anymore. I don't really do anything with it, no one reads it. I guess just to read the stories people post..but my problem with that lately is they post tons and then stop and maybe once a month they post something..but it ends up being like once every 3. LAME! Uh, life is great...school sucks but overall I'm super happy...the end.

...and fuck all of you depressing people that like to leave depressing little comments like "there is no real happiness" "love is shit" because I like the way she makes me feel, i love the way things are and fuck if they end in a bad note, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, because i wouldve had what i have right now...and thats all i need for my whole life. but...i know it wont end on a bad note. shes the one i want forever, shes my life.

So its been awhile and I don't give a shit, because the people on here are completely stupid and ignorant. I'm doing good and...well thats all.

Just one more time will you look at me Let me tell you how I feel You can tell me too No one ever has to know Why you're so scared of this Keeps me so lost I thought we had it all but now you want every memory gone This has to be a secret because You're so scared of what people might say Now you don't want any of this because you're not sure what you feel I know deep inside that you love me too That this all is a big burden The problem is you can't get passed it Let me touch you Let me hold you so Let me kiss you until the moon comes up No one has to know

The clouds are a dark grey and the moon has gone away No star is to be seen and theres nothing to say The moonlight is missing and theres no stars to dream on I'm so lost without the moon as my guide The sun is covered by the clouds No flowers no leaves in the trees Everything is dead around me The spring has yet to come and the sun is covered by the clouds So theres nothing there to guide me Theres moonlight now I see my way I've gotten way off path but this all seems right Its morning and the sun comes up, its ready to guide me The flowers grow and there are leaves on the branches I'm ready to go home now and the suns there to guide me

I want to travel around the world with you Spend the rest of my days waking up to your smile I want to sing songs about all we see, and read everything you write that never ceases to amaze me The rest of my life is yours do with it whatever you please For theres no where else I rather be Because you're the one that completes me Your soft cheeks to my lips Your hand in mine The simple things are all I'll ever need The simple things make me smile, and make my heart full I want to travel the world with you See everything there is to see I want to sing you the songs I write about how you complete me and hold you 'till you fall asleep You are my everything The only thing thats always there when I look into my future The only thing I know I'll never let go You hold my heart, do with it what you please I'm yours, all of me I wouldn't want it any other way Do with my heart whatever you please

When I look into my future I clearly see you Forever in my arms I hope you to be I'm here for you until the end no matter if the skies are blue purple or gray I'll love you forever nothing could make that change When I think about you my mind ponders where its never gone before Its crazy the things you make me think I'm capable of Everythings more serious now The love I thought was there before Doesn't even compare to what I have now I know I'll never let this go no matter what comes my way I know I've said these things a million times but I'll continue to say them because they are true Theres a million more things I can say to show you how much you mean to me, none of it will equal up to the amount that I love you....

I was led here, led here to die My body can't take this It aches,it screams out in pain I've been crying for weeks just trying to run away They led me here, Led me here to die I didn't want it to end this way My plans were better than this Why did I end up here, I don't belong here I've been running in circles getting no where These were my decisions All of my mistakes I led myself here, I led myself here to die This was no ones fault but my own I ruined what I had, lost it all Theres nothing I can do now This is it, this is the end All I have is this one last tear to shed I want everything to go on when I'm gone I led myself here, I led myself to die All I wanted was the best for you I wanted you to know who I was Instead I ruined it all, I lost it all Everything I ever wanted was in my hands All I had I just let go, I had it all, I let it go... I led myself here, I led myself to die

Things are amazing like whoa. I'm falling fast I'm falling hard and I love it. The truth is I love you beyond any words I could ever say I want you to be back in my arms right when you leave them I miss you as soon as I walk out the door The truth is I was wrong when I thought I felt this way before These feelings are more true, more real, and stronger than ever before I'm more grateful for you than I am for anything else You are the only one I want, I wish that this could last forever This happiness never to die The truth is I could stare into your eyes for hours When your hand is in mine is when I feel most alive You can always turn to me when in need My arms are always wide open I could never let go, It could be you and me until the end of time The truth is as much as I thought I knew I didn't really know until I met you You've fulfilled any emptiness I had My heart mind and soul all belong to you The truth is that I am in love with you...

Do you? Yeah so this really doesn't have to do with anyone who reads this but I'm posting it here anyways. I have so much I just want to SPILLLLL out, but I won't. All the fighting and the blahness...I'm ready for it to be over. If thats all that you're are going to do when you talk to me you should just not. This is to everyone, because...I rather not hear over and over again how much you hate me and such, I got it the first time and since none of you will let me explain ANYTHING at all..thats what leads to the not wanting to hear it anymore. I have great things going on, and I'm going to focus on those things because I'm tired of focusing on the negitives. I want to work everything out, but you have to let me get words in. So yes, I'm happy..really happy when it comes to a lot of things. Some things are still fucked up a lot, but I'm sorry..I can't put all my energy in that anymore. I want to be happy. So I will be. Yes, I'm selfish, but so are the people that obviously don't want me to work things out and wont let me say things. Yes. Thats what I say to all the random things going on. I guess thats all for now.

Since finals are going on and I'm grounded theres not a whole bunch of a lot going on, but I decided eh why not update. Lately I've had a lot on my mind, I've let a few people know whats on my mind and uh, I don't think they really thought anything of it. What can you do? I used to keep things all bottled up inside until I burst. As much as it hurt to completely let my guard down it felt amazing to be free and open. Now I think I've gotten a little too open, like I feel as though I must tell everyone exactly how I feel about every little thing. That doesn't mean I always do it...now that I've told a few people things and they didn't seem to care I'll take it down a notch again. As much as I tell myself its hard for me to trust people, I don't think thats true. I almost trust everyone I know pretty well....I guess its that fear if I don't trust them and let them know I'll lose them. Thats my real fear. So I totally said I didn't have much to say but once I start writing it never really does stop. Maybe I still keep too much bottled up? I don't even know, how sad is that? I've figured a lot out since Winter Break but theres still so much. I do know some important things, things I need to get taken care of are already have. Bah, things in my life really aren't this crazy, I over react a whole bunch of a lot...I think. Wow. I really can get started on things can't I. Uh, coffee sounds good..time to go. "and sometimes when your on you are really fuckin' on and your friends they sing along and they love you but the lows are so extreme that good seems fuckin cheap and it teases you for weeks in its absence, but you'll fight and you'll make it through you'll fake it if you have to and you'll show up for with a smile....." Rilo Kiley- A Better Son or Daughter. Gotta love 'em. This is the song I would yell/sing with Maddison, her drunk mother(even sometimes sober,if we were lucky, I love her though), and whom ever else was there at the time...gosh..good times.. I miss them.

Finals make me angry. Grr. Uhhh....I'm grounded, it blows. A lot. So nothings really going on at all. Yeah...la la la boredom

I figured it all out, because I Erin...can think. Haha. Theres so many details I could go into but I don't wannnnnna.

not even myself. I think I should die. What about you? I'm thinking hardcore drug overdose, not the wimpy way like before.... Bah who am I kidding myself I could never go through with it. I'm tearing away my emotions enough it may kill off my insides... Hahah... I don't deserve shit. --- Haha, I'm just like my father. I can't make decisions, I don't know myself, I can't trust my own heart, I try to please everyone, I have his hair, his eyes, his blood genes..as much I try to get away from him and act like hes nothing...I'm just like him in so many ways...

I hate myself so much sometimes. *bangs head on desk* I wish.. I could be true to myself, but I want to please others so badly... Fuck. Its possible to love two people at once right? Or maybe I'm just lying to myself I'm such a douche.

So yeah, randomly did this...don't know what else to tell you. I put it on my other sites too... Black lights Bright lights Dim lights Laying down Sitting Standing up Staring glaring watching upside down inside out sideways love like hate Up Down Left Right On Off Here Everywhere There Kick Hit Pull Short Tall Average Blacked out Wide awake Getting there Almost Perfect Wrong Black Gray White Happy Sad Mad Alive and Dead Okay so this didn't turn out the way its really suppose to if you wanna see how it really looks go to http://www.ebgurl788.deviantart.com