Ok, so apparently there is something wrong with me. Why is it I don't attract any decent guys? Is it because I'm not a whore, who goes around sleeping with everything she sees? Because I would view that as a good thing, apparently guys don't see it that way. I don't sleep around, sorry. I never will. I'm not that type of girl. I don't want to be with a guy just so I can sleep with him. Looks may be the first thing that attracts you, but if you don't like who he is inside why in the world would you be with him? Just because he's hot? I don't want a boyfriend I can show off to the world and say: wow look at my boyfriend, he's hot. I want a boyfriend that is going to treat me right, listen to what I have to say and show me respect. I want to be able to have a good time with him. He has to make me laugh, he has to have a personality. I want a guy I can talk to, someone I can say anything to. he has to make me feel comfortable at all times and I shouldn't have to feel like I have to constantly be putting on a show for him. He'll like me just as much in a t-shirt and shorts as he does when I get dressed up in a skirt. I don't care what you look like, that's not important to me, but apparently it's important to alot of guys. They want a hot girl who they can have on their arm who is willing to sleep with them as much as they want, whenever they want. They are messed up. They care more about how a girl looks than if she can actually hold an intelligent concersation. I'm tired of guys. They always complain that their are no good girls out there, but they aren't looking for good girls. And these are the guys we fall for girls. (And those "girls" are the girls that don't have sex 24/7/365 days of the year, nor do they want to!) We pine away for these guys who never give us a second look. We are just the friends, one of the guys. Guys want good girls to be their friends, but never their girlfriends. They never look at us in the way they would look at that stick thin girl walking down the street in the mini skirt and shirt so low you can practically see her nipples. It's like there are moments of brilliance in you, that I see, and then there are others where I want to smack you in the head. Sometimes you look at me the way you would look at them, but then your stare quickly goes back to someone who isn't even close to anything I would ever be. Why can't you see that I would be perfect for you? But I guess you wouldn't see that. Nobody does.
I'm so fucking sick off people trying to act like other people. It is so fucking ridiculous. We are 19 years old and apparently it's still cool to play Simon Says. If you do whatever someone else tells you to do or you are influenced soley by the presense of someone else you ARE STUPID. You are a fucking moron and should be shot, plain and simple. We are old enough to make our own decisions. If you think acting like someone else is going to make you look cool and more people will like you, again, you are fucking stupid. Just because you act like someone doesn't mean you are going to be like them, I mean, at face value, yes, you will technically be like them, but you can never be that person. I thought the idea of idol worship died in about 7th grade, apparently not for these people. It's pretty sad, if you ask me, that a 19 year old person would act like such a fucking retard to be liked by someone else. So much so that they would make themselves look like a complete idiot because that person thought it was funny. It's cool if you have a role model or whatever, I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that, but if you are living your life to please someone else then you are wrong. I hate human puppets. It's so fucking sad. People who dance around someone else hoping that one day they will actually like them instead of, yes this is happening to you you dumb ass, just using you for their own personal pleasure. It makes me sick to think someone would be dumb enough to fall for this bullshit. Then people ask me if I feel sorry for these people and I say FUCK NO! It is your fucking choice to let your mind be controled and be someone's lap dog. You can say no. You can be your own person. But no, why do that when you could have someone ordering you around and telling you what to do every second of your life. It they had to make a decision on their own I think they would die. They wouldn't be able to do it without someone over their shoulder telling them the "cool" choice to make. I have never in my life seen people treat each other like these people do. I guess I should be used to it, I shouldn't expect anything more. If you would come up to me and tell me what to do tomorrow on the street I'd tell you where to go. I love what college has done to me. I tell people to go to hell on a daily basis. Now it's cool to tell people to go to hell if you actually mean it and don't do what they are telling you to do, but if you sit there like a dumb ass and say "go to hell" but still do what they want you to do anyway, you are a retard. I have no sympathy for your ass whateversoever. And there will come a day when you dick up your life because of these people and don't expect me to be there and say it's ok dear, because I won't, I will be standing there laughing at you telling you I told you so. Because I did. I hate fucking people who are so fucking blind. To quote one of my favorite movies of all time, Save the Last Dance "open up your eyes and look the hell around." Get in touch with reality and see what's really going on. You are a dumb ass. A puppet. A pawn. And don't ever give me fucking attitude because baby I'll give it right back.
So life was perfect...or so I thought. Then something comes into my life that makes my life without this thing look like a spiraling death trap to hell, ok so maybe I'm being a little dramatic there, but still...Sometimes everything seems so perfect and then something comes into your life that makes everything you knew before seem useless. I don't really know who's going to be reading this so I can't say names I can only say how this thing makes me feel. First of all, yes it is a person and no I will not tell you who it is. This person makes me feel amazing. They make me so happy, I don't think I have every laughed as hard as I do with this person. You can be the funniest person in the world but also be the most serious. I have had some of the best conversations with you. You make so much sense to me. We are so much alike, I'm not sure if you can tell. You get me. And not in the sense that you know me inside and out but the things you say resemble things I have said or things that I think. It's like you are me sometimes. I could see myself saying alot of the things you say in our conversations. It's like you get me without directly "getting" me. It's such a weird thing to explain. I've known you for so long and we've been through so much. I know how you think, and not in a weird stalkerish type of situation either, I mean I know you well enough to take a pretty good guess on how you're going to react to certain things or how you are going to feel about something. You are the kind of person I could see myself being with. And to think I never knew you valued me that much and sometimes I still really don't think you do. Sometimes I think you say things in the spur of the moment without actually meaning them and then other times it's like you really actually care about me. Imagine that concept, right? I feel so at ease when I'm with you. I can relax and be comfortable and I don't have to feel like I constantly have to act a certain way. I hate that about some people. You have to say the right things or act a certain way for them to like you, but not you. You don't care what I do or how I act. I love that about you. You don't care about anything, and not in a "I don't give a f*** about you," sort of way, it's just that you're not constantly sticking your nose into other people's business. You let everyone do what they want, and you're cool with it. If it doesn't concern you, it's not your problem. It's a good way to be. Another thing I absolutely love about you is the fact that you like nice girls. You don't go for the whore-ish types. You like a good girl...well relatively speaking. You've been hurt though too, just like me. Now this isn't a comparision and contrast essay about us but I just think it's interesting how we are so similar and you probably never gave it a second thought. Anyways, I'm tired and you're not online for me to talk to so I think I'm going to go to bed. Just wanted to get that off my chest. And if you ever end up reading this, give me a second thought ok, that's all I'm asking. I won't hurt you. I promise. Goodnight.
So Ive been doing a lot of thinking about life lately, especially since I got Brians cd (Brian, as in, from BSB). I think its wonderful that he put out a Christian cd. I have a hard time getting into Christian music because most of it is all upbeat and not the traditional kind of music Im used to from church, but Brians cd is different. He somehow manages to mix pop with Christian lyrics and I love it :-D Anyways, his cd has got me thinking about life and whats really important. And Ive realized that if I put all the nonsense in my life aside, I am really truly happy with where my life is at right now. There are a lot of things Im still uncertain about but I need to let that all up to God now and to let Him decide what direction my life is supposed to take next. I know a lot of people have a hard time doing that, but I guess for me its kind of like me brushing my life off onto someone else and letting them worry about it for a while, and the amazing thing about that is, someone is worrying about it.
I need a break from my life right now. I just want to sit back and enjoy everything. Enjoy the day, enjoy the people in my life, enjoy all of my positive relationships that I have, that God has blessed me with. I dont want to worry about jobs and my career; I just want to live my life for what it is at the moment. I dont want to worry about my future or dwell on my past. I want to move on. The past is in the past, something I struggle with from time to time, facing the reality that what happened 6 months ago is done and over with and sure it was great but its over and I will always have wonderful memories from it and thats whats important. Remembering the good in your life and not that bad is whats truly essential in living life. The bad things that have happened in my life have always led to good things, so thats what Im waiting for. This period in between is always hard, but if you think of it as a waiting period instead of saying nothing good is happening in my life, it makes it a lot easier to handle. Unfortunately you can never forget the bad things that have happened but you can always replace their memories with good ones.
Im not really sure where I was going with this entry but as Im writing Im realizing I tend to let bad things that have happened in my life rule my life. I dwell on them and even months after they have happened Im still haunted by them. I think we all do this to some degree but I decided that its a waste of time. What happened happened. There is nothing I can do about it and Im not just taking about the same old things I always talk about here. Im talking about everything, things people dont even know about, things that are hurting me and have been for a long time. Its time to let those things go, let those people go. They arent a part of my life anymore. I dont want them to be a part of my life anymore. I mean, who wants things in their lives that hurt them? I mean unless you are a masochist. I dont want bad things to define me. Im happy right now and its because I have finally let those things go. I have no drama in my life. For the first time in a long time, I can finally say that my life is drama free and I am loving it. All of my sources of drama are gone and they are gone because I have gotten them out of my life.
God is watching out for me. I know He is. He never lets me get myself into a situation so deep that I cant get myself out of it. He likes to warn me a lot, with a lot of subtle and sometimes not so subtle hints. He keeps my life in line and when I stray He puts me back where I belong. There have been so many instances in my life that I have seen it. And then people ask me why I believelive the past year of my life and you will see how God has quietly walked in and out of my life. Sometimes He works quietly and you have to look more closely to see where He has been and other times He storms into my life and turns me around like a slap in the face. But each and every time I knew it was Him. He has come and gone so many times. He brings the greatest joys to my life but also some of the hardest times too. I believe that He brings hardship and pain into our lives to get us to see things that we are missing, to make us aware. Sometimes our vision gets so blurry that we need someone to help us see and it isnt always what we want to see. He clears our eyes and often He does it with tears, but even after the hardest of times, I knew He was there with me all the while. God doesnt make our lives hard or give us things we cant handle, those things that happen are His subtle way of shaking us and getting us back on the right path. Dont tell me what Im saying isnt true because Ive seen it working in my life. Thats how I know, its why I believe.
I think Brians album has reinforced and reminded me of everything I believe. It has given me the opportunity to collect my thoughts about my faith in a time when I felt like they were scattered all over the place. I wish I could thank him, but I guess I can thank God because Hes the one that inspired the record and inspired Brian to write and sing what he did. You can say Im stretching here, but God brought Brians album to me when I was having some doubts. You can call me crazy but its just another one of those moments in my life when I know God was working and I can look up at the sky tonight and know that there is someone up there watching out for me, because there is and He loves you too. Its a very reassuring feeling. Goodnight and God Bless.
So Ive been sitting here for the past hour reading old convos and it feels like it should be 3 in the morning but its only quarter to 12. Its summer and I should be happy but somehow Im not. Im so glad to be home, even though school was awesome, but I dunno people will think Im crazy for bringing up this old shit so maybe I shouldnt even botherbut its like yesterday was the 20th and last year the 20th was prom. That night was the beginning of everything for me last summer. Everything build upon itself after that night. I wish I could go back, I wish I could go back to graduation and keep going through that again and again. Life was so great then, this summer it just feels like something is missing. I feel so disjointed from everything now, like I dont belong. Last year I still belonged to Marian and now this year, Im just kind of here. Last year at this time, wow, life couldnt have been better. Found my best friend (finally), had an amazing boyfriend, was 10 pounds lighter, life was great. I really miss it.
I think spring is definitely the season when you feel like you need to be in a relationship. I get so weird around this time. I kinda forgot what it felt like to feel lonely. Let me reiterate, I HATE IT. I miss everything about being in a relationship. EVERYTHING. I miss being able to go to their house when you needed to get away from yours. I miss them calling you up and asking you out, even if it was to the movies or just to their house. I miss my mom asking about them and what we did last night. I miss people thinking about me as past of an us. I miss riding in your car. I miss your basement. I miss kissing you. I miss sitting on my front porch with you. I miss driving home from your house at 1 in the morning. I miss you saying goodnight little girl to me when I got home. I miss how you treated me. But most of all I think I hate not knowing someone out there, other than like my parents, loves me. I hate that so much.
I hate having to think about this years 4th of July and realizing that its not going to be the same. That Im not going to have someone to watch the fireworks with again. I remember, before last year, wishing and praying that the next year I would have someone to watch them with and then last year I did, I hate the thought of having to go back to that.
I wish I knew you wanted it back too. I wish I knew anything about anything you ever felt or thought, but I didnt, and still dont. It would at least give me some piece of mind. I said I was reading old convos, well which ones do you think I was reading? I saw how, piece by piece, our relationship began to deteriorate. Everyday conversations turned into every other day then once a week then not at all. You made me so angry, but looking back I could never in a million years say I hated you. I never talked shit about you. I never said one bad thing about you since. There was no need to. I saw how you said you didnt want to break up with me and you wanted our relationship to work more than I thought and I wonder if you still feel that way or if you have blocked me out of your memory. Do you ever think about the fun we had together? Do you remember how you made me watch Batman every single night I was at your house? Do you remember that first night that you kissed me? It was the night before your birthday. I remember. I wonder if you do. Chances are you dont. But a girl can dream right? I have nothing but fond memories of you and I wonder what you think of when someone says my name. I still miss you. I still think about you often, more so since Im home and actually have time too. I guess you still dont have time for anything. Remember when you had time for me? Those were the days. I remember this one time in particular, I dont know why, but you were rafting all day in Jim Thorpe with Action, I think, and I know you were tired but you still called me afterwards and asked me to come down. I think that was the last time I was at your house. I remember I hadnt seen you in a couple days and I told you I wanted to see you and then the next day you called me. It was nice how that used to work yanno. I remember the last time you were here too. We were supposed to go see Batman Returns but you fell asleep and we ended up seeing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory instead. You hated it, I know you did. Remember House of Wax, that was the first movie we, well no it wasnt the first movie we saw together, but it was the first movie you held my hand. I didnt think guys still did that, Christ. I remember how I thought it was the sweetest thing in the world. And you never wanted anything more from me, ever. I loved that about you. Remember when I brought over Dirty Dancing to your house. I was there for like 6 hours that night. We played Super Nintendo and I sucked at it, even though I thought I was so amazing. You laughed at me of course; you always seemed to be doing that, in the nicest way possible of course. Remember when we went to Leibys after Baccalaureate with JC. I remember I was pissed at you because you didnt even say goodbye to me afterwards but then I parked next to you and JC and I were talking by my car so you came with us. PS, I did that on purpose. I hung around and made JC talk to me so I could wait for you. Surprise. I remember when we got there how I was showing JC my background on my phone and then you showed him his but you wouldnt show me, I know it was the picture of you and me from prom, it made my life. Then we fucked around, well you did, with JCs subs. That was a night. Remember that day you came over to fix my computer but you never really did. I got up early that morning to take a shower and clean the house even though I said I was going to sleep till noon. That was the best day of my life just so you know.
I have to many memories and I know yall are sick of reading them, but there are so many more. For how short that relationship was I have pages and pages of memories and every single one of them is a good one. I miss you a lot. I wish it could have worked out. I really wish we still talked toooh well I guess I cant have everything, kinda wish I still had you though, cause even if I had nothing, you would still be my everything. Goodnight little boy.
I stare at you not because I think you're hot or because I think you are God's gift to men. I stare at you because when I look at you I wonder how you can sleep at night and how you can wake up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror. I know you're type. You think about the size of a girl's vagina before you look at her face. You make me sick. I hate you.
What lunch table you sit at or what people you call your friends does not make you cool. What makes you cool is you, being who you are, not what others say you have to be.
Well this week has just been a roller coaster of emotions. First of all I really didn’t want to come back to school. Everything was so awesome at home, my mom and I were getting along so good and well my dad, was my dad, but I was handling it and it was just perfect. Then I came back here and I don’t know what happened to me. Michael never called me back last weekend which stressed me out. I totally forgot to pick out my classes for next year; I was behind in work and had a psychology test on Thursday and a Public Speaking quiz on Wednesday. I skipped so many classes this week it’s not even funny. I have some kind of script thing I have to perform this week with Brian who I haven’t even talked to at all about yet. I have an audition coming up at the beginning of April too that I haven’t even started preparing for yet. And on top of all that I have friend issues to deal with and my period was late, which added incredibly to the overwhelming sensation of stress I have felt all week. So ok when you ask me “what the hell are you stressed out about?” Maybe you should think twice about what my life entails. I’m always the one everyone comes to with all their situations and I have 500 million different problems going on in my head at any given time, not to mention all of my own bullshit I get thrown into my lap daily. People think my life is so easy and what the hell could Christine ever be stressed out about, well think again people, cause there is a lot of shit I keep inside, a lot of stuff you have no idea is even going on with me. I put on that happy fucking face to make myself seem happy when I’m not because people need me to be there for them. I always have to be the strong one; I can never ever break down about anything because I’m always overeating or being melodramatic. I guess I should be used to it, not a lot has changed from high school apparently, everyone still sees me the same way- the perfect lil Christine who has the perfect life with perfect parents and a perfect everything. I’m never supposed to have drama. I’m always supposed to be happy because what could I possibly have in my life to make me sad. Well how about friends who stab me in the back, not knowing what I want to do with the rest of my life and having to wonder if I’m good enough to make it in this world doing the only thing I have interest in at all, or maybe the fact that every single guy I have ever gotten myself involved with has dicked me over. I hate guys right now. Why do they all seem so great but in a matter of like two seconds they decide that I’m not what they had in mind and drop me like a hot potato. Why am I only good for so long? Why do they all get tired of me so fast? What am I doing wrong? Tell me. Three guys in a fucking row, all of them got so incredibly weird so fast. What makes you all so attracted to me at first but then realize I’m suddenly not so great anymore. I wish someone would explain that to me, because to the best of my knowledge I don’t change. I guess I’m wrong. What a surprise, I always am. I guess once you find out that I could actually care about you you get freaked out and just need to get away from me. I guess it’s all that baggage I have, as I was once told. I guess that’s what the media has taught us, girls are for fucking around with, not actually having a relationship with.
I am so incredibly self conscious and afraid of every little move I make. I doubt myself in the biggest way and almost ready to say fuck theater all together because I’m never going to make it. Then what do I have? Not a whole hell of a lot. People ask me why I want to do theater well because surprise I’m not a rocket scientist, if I don’t do this, I can’t do anything else. So yeah people, I have a whole hell of a lot on my mind than you think and its not always so easy to be me. And fuck you too because you have the perfect life too, I don’t wanna fuckin hear it. Anyway, the week ended up nicely with me finally getting my period and spending most of yesterday curled up in bed because I couldn’t move. I’m still incredibly tired and moody as all hell. This needs to end. I seriously think I’m going to have a nervous break down soon. Now I have to work tomorrow, that should be a joy another never-ending cycle of stress. Maybe they’ll let me go early, probably not, when has anything ever worked out for me in the past.
