The dawn is breaking A light shining through You're barely wakin' And I'm tangled up in you. When I'm open you're closed I follow your go I worry I won't see your face Light up again Even the best fall down sometimes Even the wrong words seem to rhyme And out of the doubt that fills my mind I somehow find you and I collide I'm quiet you know You make a first impression Well I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind Well even the best fall down sometimes And even the stars refuse to shine Out of the back you fall in time To somehow find you and I collide But don't stop here. And I lost my place But I'm close behind. I'm close behind. Well even the best fall down sometimes And even the wrong words seem to rhyme And out of the doubt that fills your mind You finally find that you and I collide You finally find that you and I collide.
My love is to waste
November 13th, 2005 @ 12:00am
Listening to: Secret Window
Feeling: neutral
Carla broke up with me.
I feel terrible about it for a number of reasons:
She's alone now, and since Will passed, she's alone at a time when I promised I would be there.
My love is going to be wasted, because I'm not about to stop loving her. I know everyone is going to tell me to move on, but I don't care. I'd rather love her and never anyone else rather than forget.
I don't know how to end conversations, since I can no longer say that I love her, even though I do absolutely and totally.
I'm happy because hopefully she'll learn to be happy and then things will get better.
I hope she comes back. I know I sound stupid, but I really pray to god that she comes back to me.
I feel lousy. I'm trying to stay strong for her though, so maybe she'll see that I can be better. I hope she comes back. I doubt that she will, so I guess my love with be wasted.
But in the end, I'd rather "waste" it on her than give it to someone else.
I grew up being raised by a lot of different people, but the main one I played with and ran around with was Dennis, a guy my dad coached in football for 10 years. We would play football, wrestle, play hockey, just run around, do basically everything. I learned to be who I am mostly from him. It's strange, because we look a lot alike - built, freckly, red headed, pale or red skin.
Well, I spent a good 12 years of my life around this guy. He taught me a lot of things in my own life. I always thought of him as the amazing, macho guy who has a beautiful wife, a successful softball career, great friends, and a satisfying life and career. Overall the kind of guy i want to be.
I found out about a month ago that he's gay.
I know he doesn't read this; he's an adult, has a job and a family, all that stuff.
I just want him to know, though, whether he sees this or not, that I'm thankful for everything he's given me. I love him like a second father, like an older brother, like an uncle. He was there for me when things got really shitty, he was there when they were great, and he was just plain there. He cared about me. It had nothing to do with sexual preference.
I don't care if he's gay, bi, straight; hell, i don't care if he's a friggin monk. He's the same exact man I knew when I was six years old.
I just want to thank him, and to tell him I'm still a messed up kid like I used to be, that I love getting scratched up playing football, that I love my significant other with the same power he loves his, and that I'm proud of him. I want him to know that no matter what he'll always be with me, gay or straight, dead or alive, old or young.
CLICK on the link below or PASTE it into your browser.
http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=051102160121-876991
currently (4) people are making me angry. Any guesses as to who they are?
Here's a hint: I'm not dating any of them.
I'm not remotely interested in any of them.
Three of them are female. (go figure :D)
I am a wrestler.
I wrestle with my past failures;
I wrestle with my demons of doubt;
I wrestle with my pain and my scars.
I wrestle with my mind
My heart and soul
My love and hate
My joy and sorrow.
I wrestle with myself
With my opponent and his pains.
In the end I will be victorious.
I am a wrestler.
I'm friggin psyched for the season to start. Regionals for cross country is like another day compared to my season of wrestling. I'm waiting.
Is it bad that I tell myself I love pain so I keep running on my bad knee, or that I smile when I bleed, or that I laugh when I dislocate my shoulder on the mat?
No. It's just me. Love it or leave it.
Carla, thanks for doing the former.
Anyway, hello faithful readers (all...none of you). I'm finally back from my private entry whiplash.
I feel a little sick right now...maybe if I would've eaten more slowly it would've gone down easier. Meh.
Had quizbowl today -- I was almost excited because I might've gotten the chance to be an alternate, had the stupid moderator not gotten sick.
Of course, the one time I might get to play, where am I? Alternate who doesn't get to play because lady is stupid. Probably ODed on dimeatapp. grumble. says she has a PHD in english but can't even fuggin read. grumble.
On a happier note, I got my soc done today. This makes me happy. Now all I have is my Senior Project, which he needs to go over with me anyway.
On a worse note my dad yelled at me for doing my homework, even though he yells at me if I don't have any. Fucking lovely.
*sigh........*
Deep breaths will make this better. think of things I love. Carla. Sleep. Carla sleeping. Carla. Music, bass guitar, guitar, carla, carla with music, dancing with carla, did I mention sleep and carla?
I feel like my head is going to explode, because of his shit. I'm always a "fuckin failure" to him. I love it.
I guess I'll always be a fuckin failure.
I doubt there is anyone else who believes that I'm a failure, but it feels amazing hearing it from your own father.
