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i run towars an uncharted place |
January 2009; 01 |
Listening to: your new twin sized bed - death cab for cutie
Feeling: lousy
it seems that i'm living these days with no aspirations. i know part of me is seeking, but i don't know if i'm searching for the meaning of life or just a reason to live. i don't know what i want to do. i don't even know if it's for me to choose. i don't know why i keep thinking. i don't know what god is thinking. i don't know if the simple fact of me being here changed anything in this world. i don't know if i was supposed to act differently. i don't know if i'm courageous, if i'm scared, or if i'm indifferent. i don't know if i'll ever affect something. i don't know if i care enough to find out. i don't know what awaits me in the future and i don't know if i really want to know. i don't know if i'll feel good about what i do. i don't know if i talk too much or not enough. i don't know if my lips are appealing. i don't know if breathing in is more beneficial than breathing out. i don't know if exercising will make me feel better. i don't even know if i want to go through all this trouble. i don't know what will anger me more, disappointing myself or letting myself being disappointed by others. i don't know if i can still make a perfect cartwheel. i don't know if i appreciate the company of others. i don't know if can maintain a relationship with anyone. i don't know what would've happened if my life turned out differently. i don't know if i'd prefer this life over another. i don't know what i want. i don't know even know if any of this matters. i don't know if time is going forward or backward, neither do you actually and i don't know if that bothers you. i don't know why i have so many questions. i don't know why i get no answers. i don't know if that should bother me. i don't know if i can go on like this. you know as if i'm lost these days. i don't know why you'd know and i don't know why i don't know.
happy new year! |
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the year with the added twenty-fifth second |
January 2009; 01 |
Listening to: forever - as i lay dying
Feeling: unsettled
December 31st, 2008 at 1:37pm
i'm slightly nervous about fresh ideas coming my way.
year in and year out, it's always the same thing. i get ümber excited about starting something, everything, anything but, alas, not once i finish and it only gets harder to walk with all these years chained to my feet. all these unfinished thoughts, projects, episodes, devices, routines, and untold words, they pile up fast. they make of me a prisoner of new incomplete ventures. every single year, i add to those and remain immobile. i can't go wrong and, simultaneously, i can't go right either; actually, i can't go anywhere! i'm stuck by the past years and the heavy load they imply. i know my limits, i'm not strong nor smart enough to continue dragging these shackles behind me. so this year, i'll have a different approach and i'll think outside the box, think differently to detach myself... it's just a shame the year already started ending.
"i see fresh lines on the next page," i heard her say.
i just kept thinking year out and year in.
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i dont know where this came from, seriously |
December 2008; 01 |
Listening to: meds - placebo
Feeling: lethargic
i remember this guy quite vividly. he was pained by the death of a beloved and it drowned him into confusion. he wasn't sure if the sun crashed into the earth or if the earth beautifully rejected the sun in morning hues. he analyzed the matter and all the answers led him to dig underground. "they said if you dig long enough you will find the sun." he dug six feet under and found a body decomposing. through the maggots, the dirt, and emotionlessness of the corpse, the face was familiar. he realized he was avoiding the identity of the person, suppressing the sun and hailing the moon. he was careening in a darkness that he created, misled by what he saw. he thought the moon was all he needed and he was becoming pale, very pale; he was disappearing behind false pretenses and believes his heart wasn't into. i remember him very well. it was strange, after the body smiled and said farewell once again, his heart shattered by the sun rays. "the sun is beautiful," he later told me in a crowded park but, it's then that i could tell that he got accustomed to the darkness and was ignoring my thoughts while i longed for his. i was selfish again and his heart was empty again. in the end, i suppose, we were somewhat similar. some say he's still around. i think he's still searching for something, or maybe even someone, to fill his heart however i am still selfish and i know what that body did contain, the beating heart of a desolate son. with sweet words and monumental hope he walks along a gloomy path only he knows in an odyssey towards his mother, the body in the grave, the crashing sun, the receiving earth, and away from me.
if that didn't answer his question i don't know what will... |
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| Entry List |
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i run towars an uncharted...
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the year with the added...
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i dont know where this came...
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fed up to the hungry eyeless...
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this is simply breathtaking!
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on account of a compulsive...
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the bucket list.
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orchestral sequence
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drowning heart blues
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cinematic ventures of the...
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the closet artists' salvation
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i dedicate this entry to...
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where did all my people go?
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disapointments and cries
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descisions are made but not...
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control yourself.
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♥ my untitled poem
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♥ homemade mistakes
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♥ painting pretend
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♥ to rip your eyes...
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anime is beyond something else
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♥ umm afraid poem
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everything burns to ashes,...
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the state of ambiguous...
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♥ reflecting my...
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thirsty for blood but i wont...
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the wall, that damned wall
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an innovator sees improvement...
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still want to be friends?!
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a wave of self discovery;...
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disapointment followed by...
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the art of doing nothing
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what to do now?
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a sequence of ironies
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quest through the hallways
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if i told you this was...
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to be continued and edited
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♥ the eyes of...
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because of these things
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kiss me again and ease my...
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how does it feel...?
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in my memory he stays alive
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i'm not a libra, nothing is...
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i mean seriously, am i cursed?
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i can find all the kisses
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the world is round
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welcome back from old data
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dear diary
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and i couldn't handle the game
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im losing interest
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shadows amonst silhouettes
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in need of deeper observation
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blank
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drawing humane conclusions
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accompagne mes larmes
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insanity takes what is left...
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walking down a one way,...
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i will give my heart to...
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♥ gleeful...
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hoping...
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my daily routine
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now, i break this soldier
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gloomy night catches...
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the needy calls for the utter.
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juvenile copulation is a...
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mon amour, you hurt me once...
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french update since the wait
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when is enough, finally...
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on mother's day, symetrical...
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deceitful tears raining in a...
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♥ act one, scene...
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shameful heritance
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my twenty dirty little...
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to follow this unwritten rule
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make the dread disappear,...
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♥ crawl like a...
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seems like a remix of an...
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newly. unwanted. broken. me.
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i'm a melancholic...
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musical motivation...anyone?
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studies cannot drown tears
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and the countdown begins
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where it all starts; me
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| 83 post(s) |
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