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it was feeling i never known |
April 25th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: tim mcgraww
jbkejbf its been awhile since i have wrote in this but nothing much is really new besides the point that im trainingg and stuff . volleyball has been amazing im actually going to be soo down when its over and our team has growen so much its incredible the last tournament we came 1st out of 38 teams or something we dominated and i did awesomeee i guess from what parents and people said and blah its just an amazing team i love them sooo much and all our rides and bus trips and clothing choosing haha oh my geee but anyways what else is knewww well gordon thats about it..i really like him..and he knows htat and he likes me and i dont know theres something between us..well you would have to say that considering we talk every single night and all but i dont know we talk about it all the time about dating and stuff and i dont know i just dont have the time..like i do..you have time for everything you really want.but i dont know if its something i want right now..like my friends are a huge part of me.and when you can only hang out with them so much in a week without worrying about other sports and stuff you know somethings wrong and like its hard to even have a full ngiht without conflicts and im just not ready to have that comittment and like his friends are really good friends with mine..and it would be just ackward but hes such a good guy..likee ahh its weird just cause we are oppisite in ways and we have our moments but yet hes just there for me at timess. just the dumb thing that im super bad with.well okay im just going to be blunt..im horrible with guys..i always get attached superr easily and just i dont know sometimes i think i get to know them too well..enough that i start disliking them but im just horrible with guys ahah.but anyways yeah theres tylerr..and well see my birthdays coming up and like all of a sudden he just popped back in..and like tyler is one of those guys in my life i wont let go of for some odd reason..cause to tell you the truth he can be the biggest jerk at times.but yet we still have something..still..and i always get into these conversations with him and like people always tell me. that as soon as i start liking him again he will do one thing and it will just be a cycle.i like him.i dont i do i dont.and its just over and over againnn.and im soooo dumb for falling for that like i need to just start fresh and forget about hima nd its sooo frustrating cause everyy single word that someone tells me about him andwhat he is going to do.is right..its happens all the time and yet.here i am being gullable ..over and over agian.lol..but really i dont care i relaly shouldnt and just stop worrying about it and i tell gordon this..but like..my priorities right now are volleyball,school,friends/family ..and really i dont have much else to worry about..i need to focus on myself and worry about what is coming up and not focus on the past..like right now i need to get my marks up..i need a 50..at the least really i have so much i need to get onto and like at this second i hate to say this but even my volleyball is overtaking my school and i need to get back into the focus that volleyball may not take me as far as i want to..and i need a back up and that is to get my marks moving ..higher and im acutlaly trying now but its frustratingg.cause i work soo hard and then i choke at the smallest test and come out of a fail and i hate it cause then you hear the kids behind you grunt cause they got a 89%and thats not good enough and yet they dont have to work at all for anythinggnsd fskfbgsjdb faced hah but hard work always pays off in the end and i just have to keep digging and digging and the outcome will come soon.. like and its scary ..next year.. i will be commited somewhere to a college/university.. and yet i dont feel ready for that..but yet i have people saying i am ready for that.blah this scares the shit out of me..like aghhhhhhh
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| 47 hit(s) |
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hitmee
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quickly,slowley,slowest |
March 13th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: our lady peace
Feeling: nice
everythings over now except for volleyball.but basketballs over and like as much as i didnt like it at the start i fell inlove after.. i dont know why, i think it was the relasionships i had with the coaches and the team and now it just feels like a part of me is missing so much,and everything reminds me of it and such and its so hard like what do i do now? afterschools well actually know what to do but i know that my physical shape might go down blah and i dont want it to but anyways volleyballs still on and boxing is starting up again and omgoshhhh i love both of them alot faced i have to go ill write in this after |
| 32 hit(s) |
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hitmee
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February 27th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Can you name 21 people you can think of right off the top of your head? Dont read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 21 people.
Ready, Start!"
1.baileyy
2.coopie
3.ashton
4.alex
5.gordon
6.evan
7.katie
8.chad
9.tonerr
10.joel
11.greg
12.meagenn
13.danny
14.kyla
15.stu
16.fraser
17.kayleigh
18.KJ
19.liverr
20.mason
21.lindsay
the interview:
1. How did you meet 14?
through volleyballl
2. What would you do if you had never met 6?
i have no clue..that kid has such a big part in my life..
3. What would you do if 20 and 9 dated?
AHHHHHHH no no no that WOULDNT happen ahh
4. Did you ever like 5?
i do
5. Would 4 and 12 make a good couple?
actually you know i could see that happening but not since shes with someone
6. Describe 8.
chad. fun.datinggg katie.snowboarderr..just fun and funny i guess
7. do you think 13 is attractive?
yes oh myy
8. Tell me something humiliating about 17?
kayleigh..she just is humiliatingg thats all i have to say about her i lovee herr
9. Do you know any of 4's family members?
just her momm
10. What's 21's favorite colour?
Blue
11. What would you do if 18 just confessed they liked you?
KJ just? she already has like a millionn times ahahaha
12. What language does 20 speak?
english
13. Who is 9 going out with?
no oneee singlee
12 What is 2's favorite band?
well i know that his fav singerr is eminem but for his favorite band im takingg a guess with what he talks about and say that its pink flyod
14. Would you ever date 7?
ew nowayy shes grossss ahh jay kayy
15. Would you ever date 1?
ohh yess bebeee of coursee. i think we are inlovee :)
16. Is 11 single?
yess
17. Do you hate 21?
no no no nowayy
18. What is 16's last name?
waynee or something like that
19. Would you ever want to be in a serious 2?
oh my well i dont want to just causee hes so close that if i did it would be likee dating a brotherr and thats just ackward
20. What school does 3 go to?
central
21. Are number 7 & 8 Best friends?
yess they are
22. Did 10 ever piss you off or make you cry?
noo not everr
23. How long have you known 15?
a week or maybe 2 lol
24. What is 19's middle name.
liver thats her middle namee
25. Who is more attractive.....13 or 20?
AH 13 by farrr
26. What is 7's parents names.
Sueeee and brent :)
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| 41 hit(s) |
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hitmee
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i see you in the hallways 1000 times |
February 22nd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: yellow-coldplay
okayy so im re-writting this entry cause im sick and tiredd and not feeling good at all.everytime i walk around i just get dizzy and feel like im going to pass out and for some reason the tips of my fingers hurt and my face hurts..lol.its weird it feels like i have huge black eyes but i dont know anyways ive been super busy lately.with basketball and volleyball and training and its just insane at time thats sometimes it gets so busy that im glad i get sick so i can just lay in bed for 10 hours and no one bugs me about having to get up to go somewhere. its just so crazy cause people always mention to me and how much im a dedicated player to my sports and stuff which i am. I want to succed in everything and be the best to my potential but sometimes its getting so crazy like basketball im going to be happy when its done.the sport is done just cause it runs you down so much like girls on my team who dont play other sports are so run down. and like im getting run down to the point i just get sick or i cant sleep at all get i get sudden energy spurts aha.but anyways.dang i really shouldnt have deleted all my entrys i had over 100 and i decided to delete them one day so i dont dwell on them but now i kinda wish i never did that it makes me sad to just have like 10 or 15 entrys..lol aghhh but anyways school i guess has been going so well..i guess sorta..okay i lied its so hard and frustrating i hope i never have to do 3 cores at once, its soo frustrating wow..science 10 which is freakingg hard.well it isnt just i tend to get really lazy and i give up reallyy easily in school so its hard to not just be like okay im skipping..cause last semester i skipped a whole month of a class.and like once you skip onces its like a addiction cause you know you can leave so you just make yourself do it but anways and im also doing math 10 pure..i hate hate hate hate it soo much i dont understand like okay i will think im doing so good and on homework or just working i understand it so much but then i get to a test and choke..like wtf..i dont understand how some people can get 100% on things it makes me sooo frustrated sometimes i wishh i could like tradee something for smartness.cause really the places i want to go when i hit university and stuff with my marks im going no where in life..well actually i am..yeah..striahgt into a truck..being a truck driver fuck. its just so frustrating seeing people who can do soo good just drop it and not do there work when someonee like me who would KILLLLL to be naturally smart wouldd do there work ahahaha i sound like sucha keen but i dont even care.lol but anyways ugh i hate days like this where you want to go out.like i have volleyball and i actually feel like going but im just not in good shape to go and i dont feel so good but udgbskabfkjsbfskjbfdksjbdf
lifesss dumb right now but omgg kay actually wait no i dont feel like writting more im off to sleep again so maybee i will write in here again..later..
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| 36 hit(s) |
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hitmee
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failure is only temporary |
January 27th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker.
Failure is delay, not defeat.
It is a temporary detour, not a dead end.
Failure is something we can avoid only by
saying nothing,
doing nothing,
and being nothing.
Failure is temporary.
Giving up is what makes it permanent.
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| 38 hit(s) |
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hitmee
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your messing everything up |
January 24th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Our Lady Peace- clumsy
agh i want to write here but i just dont really know what to write about..
how could i have something to write about i sat at home listening to our lady peace the whole day aha and watched coach carter at 4:30 in the morning.oh my.i cry in that movie every single time and then maybe tonight i should watch OC season 1 allll of it that shall be fun..i really havent done a day like this for a long time and im glad i did.lol kinda in a way but anyways what shall i talk aboutt..
well?..all ive really been doing lately.is volleyball.training and basketball..agh not to exciting im telling you..except for this optimum training thing im doing with my volleyball team its actually funny and fun and healthy at the same time but i went and saw him and he talked about my strength and flexibility and like weight and such.and i need to lose alot of weight except for me.what he said was that im not as strong as i could be..which is so true i belive it.like im strong but i could be so much more like he went to do these chin up things and i couldnt even do 1 ahah KJ couldnt either so i wasnt sooo embarrassed but we still were but at the same time my flexability is actually really good.which is kind of weird cause i always thought i was the most un-flexible person alivee..but i guess i lied?.its fun though im going to be in such good shapee and i can lose alot of weight in the areas i need to in a healthy way and not get sick or anything..well actually he said i probably wont be changing my weight to much cause the fat in my body is going to end up turning in to muscle..and i was like shitt..but see i dont want to be buff.i just want to bee equal and stuff and i told him that but anyways im just rambleing..agh but volleyball is sooo good omggg i love it with a passion the only thing is latelyy its been so painful..like shin splints fuckk..so kelly said i need to take a break from basketball for 2 weeks so that im full strength for the prospects camp in assinaboina on feb 3 and 4..you have no idea how excited i am for that omggg hah.so basketball can wait for an opportunity like that.
but anyways..
lately ive been thinking about university and college and stuff and what i really want to do and like ive been talking to my dad about it and stuff and just getting ready like starting to get an idea of really where i want to go.like i already know and have my heart set on a volleyball scholarship to somewhere in the states to be able to play NCAA level would be amazing oh my but yet playing at a university in canada would be just as good either or.but like we've started to get a path going for me and such to get to the level i want to achive at and while we are doing this it kind of scares me.like i dont know how tohandle it like i do but yet i dont.like its scary.im growing up so fast, i dont want to grow up i want to be 12 again...there were barley any problems except for best friends and who was your #1 fav and you could never choose agh i miss it so much but anyways..
i guess i ended up just ramblelling on about nothing just cause i wanted to write something new in here ahah
anywaysss
'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world, there is nothing enlightened about shrinking, so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine, as children do. Its not just in some of us, its in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.'
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| 42 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
hitmee
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that was over the line |
January 10th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: savage garden
Feeling: placid
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
i hateee him omg .fuck
like ugh.i hate it too cause i absoultly love my team and the girls and 2 of the coaches but i hate him so much..hes actually made me hate the sport im sorry thats unacceptable..you cant just rage on someone and have the nerve to trip them?..what would he do if i came up to him when he was pissing me off and just trip him..and then last week to throw a ball at me..and then have the nerve to say it was an accident?..like no..sorry..your foot just doesnt "accidently" fly out and hit me..so what you think i have
"potential" i hate the sport i dont want to play it ever again..i dont even want to play it right now just i love the girls so much it would be hard to just leave and like ughhhhh im so over whelmed right now i just cant handle it..and i feel like shit too because i pretty much let the team down because i keep having these random let downs where i give up and make them run..or i just leave
sorry girls.. |
| 44 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
hitmee
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im growing up to fast. |
January 1st, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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sitting, thinking, wishing..waiting.. |
| 41 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
hitmee
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and maybe you just need a friend |
December 8th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: clumsy- o.l.p
Feeling: fragile
okayy.. okay.. im just doing the typical use this thing as my out burst on life..it hasnt been easy lately..okay well i dont know this is going to be really hard to just let out theres so much and i just cant hold it in anymore.enough that i just opened up a little while ago to someone ive knowen for like .umm..1 month but just the wayy i did it i wish i could do that more with out someone thinking lower of me or just pointing and saying oh thats the girl..but just the way he talked to me the way he just told me things i never really thought about and when it comes to conclusion and you think about it in a differnt perspective it makes the situation differnt..the reasons for this is NOT my fault and i cant be blaming that on myselff and for someone else to tell me that.or to actually tell me that im doing good was almost like i just got given a million dollars its things so small that can help someones day so much more..the random hugs from close friends you dont see mean so much when you can barley lift your head off the table..just lately.i dont know who i am..i look in the mirror and see a mess..someone who just lost everything good they have left going for me and the only thing i do have left is something thats easy..something that i dont have to deal with..volleyball.. thats how much ive lost..and to the point im so scared lately. im usually the type to walk up and be like hey and start something but now its like everything to me is stupid because i know im going to have to deal with it and i dont want that i dont want people that i have to make plans with i dont want a life .. just i dont know who i am anymore..like for me to say i dont want people aroudn i dont want to do anything ..i use to be the one trying and trying to get out of the house..but at nights its just like i want to sleep and never wake up..mornings i dont want to wake up and thats not me..i cant deal with anything anymore all i do is just gather it inside me until i cant handle it anymore to the point where i get headaches till i pass out..i cant eat..i cant sleep..im constantly shaking and it hurts me soo much just because 6 months ago i had the greatest things.i had the best group of friends anyone can ask for..i had everythingg perfect that was out of my house..
but when people say family is more important.family is your life..well sometimes its just to me..family is what is ruining me on the inside.someone my age cant hold that much in..i cant hold in i dont know how to let go i dont know how to do anything anymore..and like this person all they said was you promise me to call me when your down..and i said yes but try and pick up the phone to dial there number when your in tears..stuttering your words..you want to talk to them soo bad and just let it go .but at the same time you dont want them to feel less of you and like i dont know how i just let myself go like that..when you have a panic attack in the middle of the basketball court..who are you..at that moment your no one..to yourself and it feels like someone is tearing you right in half but really you just cant handle it..and i know i can do soo much in life..like i have the greatest volleyball coming my way..i have my future planned out..at the age of 15..what else can you have better..but reallyy come to think about it..when you cant even find yourself right now..this second.this day.this moment how are you going to persue in the future..and thats what i need to get straight i need to realize im going to have to deal with things..im going to have to realize there is more then just me who can listen to me..i have to realize i cant hold all of this in.. i just cant i have enough on my shoulders and then you takee the extra things where it shuts you down it makes you feel less of a person..
no one in this world at this age should feel like this ..no one should..
p.s this wont make any sense like i said i just wrote what came to my head.. |
| 35 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
hitmee
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hold myself all in till i burst.. |
December 5th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
its times like these i wish i could just tell the world how i feel ..i dont like feeling like this..it just isnt me..
nothings been like me lately..
i dont like school..
i dont want to be at basketball
i dont want volleyball..
i dont want friends..
i dont want anything..
i dont have a family..
i dont have bestfriends
i dont..wait..no..
i lost everything..
i dont even want to wake up anymore..
its just to hard..
i cant handle it ANYMORE...
this just isnt me...
i dontt like it when it feels like you cant even talk to your "best friends" anymore
because you only hear about them talking about you behind your back
and you dont wanna open up to them because you dont trust them anymore
and then you dont feel like part of the old group anymore because of that
one person that you used to be able to talk to and trust
and now you dont even know who they are. |
| 72 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
hitmee
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just a pass time?..or a friend.. |
December 2nd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: babyface- nobody knows it but me
Feeling: lethargic
and that would be why i have moved on..
wow what a shitty day..
i miss jacqui |
| 38 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
hitmee
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stressed maybee? |
December 1st, 2005 @ 12:00am |
kayy so im pretty much sooo tired and stressed as if this weeek ughh
kayy
december 3-11 daily plan for the weeekk
dec3-volleyball 730-11
-boxing 1230-2
-personal trainer 330-5ish
-conditioning 7-830 9 ishh
dec4-volleyball 11-2
-personal trainer 330-5ishh
-conditioning 7-9 ishh
dec5- conditioning - 530 am - 645 am
-basketball 335-545 pm
-personal trainerr 645-745
dec6-conditioning- 530 am- 645 am
-basketball game- 500-630ish
-boxing 8-930
dec7-basketball- 7am-815ish
-volleyball - 6pm - 9pm
-conditioning if im not tired
dec8-basketball- 7am- 815ish
-boxing - 5pm-7
-conditioning- 7pm- 9ish
dec9-conditioning- 530am-645am
-personal trainer- 5-745pm
-basketball -330-545
dec10-volleyball-8am-12
-boxing- 230-330
-conditioning 7pm-9
dec11- conditioning- 7-830 am
-volleyball 11-2
-sports physcology- 3-4
and that would be my sched..and then my parents ask me why im so stressed and then i have school to top that and a disfunctional family..ugh..and thennn my friends ask why i can never do anything anymoree.aghhh so tough but at the same time i absoulty love it cause its my passionn.. and its going to catch up with me later and help me to get my scholarshipppp ohhh goshh that gets me excitedd :D :D |
| 36 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
hitmee
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