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You're never coming back this way again. |
May 13th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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Recently developed, you've abandoned all I know.
The only common factor has become a passing fad.
I know you don't desire that I follow where you go
Perhaps we're meant to end our tale at the start of what we had.
We both knew we deserved it,though I wasn't sure what for.
And before I found out what I know, it all just seemed so fast.
But time, it keeps on flying, and I sit here wanting more
Surprised to find that these 4 years have come to quickly pass.
Fear and lack of gumption are what brought us to a close,
though you deny the fact you always look before you leap.
But somehow through the best of me, your memory ever grows
and pulls hard on my heartstrings as I lay me down to sleep.
I'm sure you won't come back here, though I've not been one to bet.
So these are empty wishes on an ever-fading star.
I hope to someday follow where the sun retires to set.
'Cause I know that it will always lead me back to where you are. |
| 122 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
Yes'm?
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Some people fall in love and touch the sky. |
February 26th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
Okay...
Now the monster is awake
It won't rest until there's nothing left
Maybe ever and anon
I forget about the pain
Someone bending light comes along
And flowers lean towards the sun
Some people fall in love and touch the sky
Some people fall in love and find quicksand
I hover somewhere in between
I swear…
I can't make up my mind.
It seems that every time I am thrown back into this corner, I have more to say than the New York Times.
College, break-up, work, new boyfriend.
Short and sweet.
I would love to say something artsy, maybe amuse you all with a lymerick or something clever.
But I've got nothing.
Until next time. |
| 68 hit(s) |
(4 comments) |
Yes'm?
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November 29th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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You used to tell me how much you loved me. Now these three words are a product of your fear of being alone. You beg me not to go. I stop.
Maybe if I stick around for just a little while, we can make things right. Maybe if I give it some time, we'll be back to normal - I'll be back to normal.
Why do I always change my mind for you? Why do you always make me rethink my rash decisions? Sometimes you're just supposed to follow your instincts. What little I have left of my Woman's intuition is telling me to up and run. Make a break for it. Get out before it self-destructs.
You beg me to stay.
I'm so tired of waiting around. I'm so tired of not wanting this anymore. I'm so tired.
This awkward jumpstart-stalling relationship has grown too much to bare. I want us to be happy. I want things to work out. I just don't know if they will work out together.
Why do I always come back to you?
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| 54 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
Yes'm?
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We Will Become Sillhouettes. |
November 21st, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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It seems that once a year, someone very important dies.
I realize how irrelevant that statement sounds.
It seems that every year at least one person that I am very close to dies.
When I went in to work on Saturday morning, I was half awake and fully ready to jump back under my sheets. It was 6 A.M. and we were having our usual meeting to prepare for the craziness of Black Friday, or for anyone who has never worked in retail - the day after Thanksgiving.
Before the events kicked off, our General Manager called my department, one other department and a few miscellaneous people to the back of the store, for what I assumed would be an assignment for our meeting. As I was walking through the doors of the Install Bay, I saw a friend of mine crying. She looked as though she had just seen a ghost.
"I called you all back here because I know how close you were to this man," my manager said through choking tears. "I wanted you guys to know before we tell every one else. AJ was in a motorcycle accident last night. He was killed."
It is funny how you can feel every possible human emotion rush through your veins in one instant.
All the girls from my department, in perfect syncopation, collapsed to the floor with their heads in hand. The air grew thick, and the muffled cries of all of my friends began to slowly fade from my ears.
I have worked with AJ for a little over a year now. When I first came to the store, he was one of the first people that befriended me. I have spent about 80% of the last year working by his side. It is so hard to believe that in one moment, all of that came to an end.
For the past two days, I have thought of nothing but him. I was remembering one of the last conversations we had, last week at work. I told him that i didn't want him to buy that damn bike because they are just not safe. I told him that one of my best friends was killed last year on a bike, and that I didn't want the same thing to happen to him. He promised me that he would be okay. The very last thing I said to him that night was "I love you, AJ. I'll see you next week."
But I would not see him the next week.
AJ died in front of 3 of his closest frends, doing something that he has worked at for over a year. He did not suffer. And I thank God for that.
When I sat down wih his family yesterday, I realized how much I am going to miss him. We shared our stories of him, and laughed about that goofy smile of his. I feel so heartbroken for his mother.
It hasn't quite sunk in yet. I'm still in that numb phase where I know something happened, but haven't yet realized that it's AJ. He was my friend, my brother, and the most ambitious person I will ever know.
Rest in Peace, my love.
11-18-06 |
| 45 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Yes'm?
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You don't pull the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger |
October 18th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Not every cloud has a silver lining,
The good guy doesn’t always have to win,
That early bird often oversleeps and forfeits his breakfast,
And sometimes the pot at the end of the rainbow is nothing more than Fool’s Gold.
The world can be a cruel place, and let’s face it – not everyone is a Superman. Hell, even the “Man O’Steel” has his own weaknesses. We all have that fear – that heightened sense of intimidation when we can hear the hounds of failure clipping at our feet. If we each allow our proverbial kryptonite to annex the strengths we have worked so intently to perfect, what good is all that wasted effort?
Unfortunately, sometimes it’s just too damn hard to hold on. The constant running and struggling to keep one step ahead of the game makes a weary mind and heavy heart. It seems that when the world is beating down on his chest and our Superman has nowhere left to run, that “S” becomes nothing more than a letter.
When faith skips out and reality kicks in, we are left to our own devices in an almost Darwinian manner.
“Kill or be killed,” they say.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I would rather not be trampled by the masses.
But this hero is a little too tired to don her red cape once again. So the question at hand:
Does she succumb to her weaknesses, or fight to the death?
Tune in next time, boys and girls. Same time, same channel.
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| 60 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
Yes'm?
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For you |
October 18th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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I can imagine you at a much faster pace.
Back when Lenny Kravitz ruled the airwaves and ditching school was more of an artform.
I can picture you driving – windows down, radio blaring, smiling eyes behind those tinted shades that kept you so hidden. And in the passenger seat, there she is. Your first love.
Back then, your biggest concern was what to eat for lunch.
And now your world is hindered with phone bills and gas prices.
And from all the years of romantic abuse and social neglect,
you have regressed into a fraction of what you used to be.
Modest, reliable, and worn from the time that has passed,
A more honest representation of who you are.
All that pressure has done you well.
She may have had the Grand Am, but at least I’ve got the Mirage.
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| 41 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Yes'm?
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You've got a lure I can't deny. |
July 28th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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The funny thing about relationships is that you're supposed to walk away a little bit stronger, and a little more wise. The not-so-funny thing about reality is that sometimes we just feel weak and foolish. We are supposed to gain perspective on the things that went wrong, but sometimes vision gets blurred and we can't percieve anything at all.
If there is such a fine line between right and wrong, then why is it so easy to get tangled?
It is amazing how quickly we switch sides. We throw our emotions around like a tennis ball and hope that they will either be caught or just bounce right back, unphased. As long as the ball is in someone else's court we have no worries. But it seems that as we get older, the stakes only get higher. This is the point where the game stops being fun and starts being scary. The thrill of being in love loses it's thrill, and we spend more time protecting ourselves than enjoying. Since when did that Cloud 9 become a Catch 22?
I shed not a tear for the things I have lost, but instead for the things I have let go. And I have glimmering hope that someday It will be okay. |
| 63 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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April 22nd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
I have about a month left of high school. I will turn 18 and graduate in the same week. I can not believe how quickly this year has flown by. These 4 years.
And illuminate the 'No's on their vacancy signs,
I have consistently been at the point of tears for the past few days, and all for for no apparent reason. I don't think I am stressed about anything, and I know that I'm not sad. Maybe I'm just crazy.
If there's no one to guide you when your soul embarks,
I have 3 months to get everything together and psyche up for life at LSU. I so don't want to do it. C'est la vie, eh? At least I'll have my friends and family for another year. I'm finally learning to let go. It will be good for me.
Then I'll follow you into the dark.
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| 140 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Yes'm?
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That I would be good. |
March 12th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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That I would be loved even when I'm not myself.
I had a heart-to-heart tonight with a good friend of mine. It had been a while since I engaged in any form of serious conversation with another person, so the chat was welcome. After talking a bit about mutual acquaintences, she asked me about my boyfriend.
"How do you know you love him?," she questioned.
This was the first time I had ever truly been speechless. At that very moment all of the words in the world came flying through my head, but I could not say a one.
How do you know you love someone? Well. . . You tell me.
After a few minutes of consistent stuttering, I managed to spit out fragments of the millions of thoughts I was struggling with. And once the ice was broken, I found myself unable to contain a thing.
Though I remember not what was said, I recall exactly how I felt. Absolutely incomprable.
I do not love him because he makes me feel better about myself. I do not love him because no one else could ever be as good to me as he is. I do not love him because he makes me happy. I do not love him because I can see myself with him for a very long time. I do not love him because I could not possibly imagine myself without him. I do not even love him because he loves me so much that it makes me cry.
So why do I love him?, you ask.
Well, You tell me.
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| 132 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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I'm gonna send a little rain your way. |
February 27th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Jack's Mannequin
Oh my god, an update. Maybe she's gone crazy.
So. I'm in Tempe, AZ. Interesting, no?
I came down here for four days with my father to visit ASU campus and get a feel for the place I would potentially live. My hopes were high for things to be wonderful up here, weather would be lovely, people would all be really nice and ASU would be magnificent. Then I got here.
And I discovered that I under-anticipated everything. Arizona is marvelous. There are a million reasons why this is where I should be. Though I have only been here for 2 days, I absolutely love it. I've met a few interesting people. Got a chance to meet up with a friend, which was pretty refreshing. All in all, I'd say that I don't really want to leave, but I can't wait to come back.
I have found that pulling the hurricane card in other states not only gets you sympathy, but also better financial aid. And somehow after being here i'm not so concerned with the money thing. If I can't afford it, I'll just take out student loans and be in debt til I'm 80. Life is all about sacrifice, right?
So though I have not accomplished all that i would have liked to, I am satisfied with my experience. I have hope for the future. After all, I still have a whole day left here. Maybe tomorrow will be more prosperous.
Cheers.
.Meredith |
| 47 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
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It's about time. |
December 18th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Christmas nonsense.
It's a good possibility that I'm a good possibility.
So why don't you and I give ourselves some time to fly
and hold the wings of patience through the slow December sky.
Balance your choices, change all your plans.
Throw in the towel if you want all of it.
Walk that plank of 'yes and no' until you find the line of best fit.
Your name has never sounded better, you know that I agree.
So if you choose the lose the path you choose, Just call me Option B.
You're in over your head, while I'm head over heels.
And it's only real if it feels like it heals.
But I'll throw in the rope when you start to go down
And i'll dive in heart first if your soul ever drowns.
Have faith, my dear. For the only thing left
is the one thing that's right.
Sleep soundly knowing I'll be with you tonight.
Random bouts of inspiration.
Christmas is a week away. I'm so happy I could burst.
Good tidings. |
| 150 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
Yes'm?
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I've lost my niche. |
November 13th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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There is only so much to be said about the state of things, but so much left unsaid.
In the last three months -
A massive hurricane wiped out nearly all of my city. I lost a third of my senior year. My dad's house got flooded. Daddy gets a crapload of money from insurance claims. I moved to Baton Rouge. Got a boyfriend. Moved back to New Orleans. Lost that boyfriend. I went on a search for college. Got accepted to one, the others are pending. Got a job. And, here I am.
I would go more into detail, but I don't feel that I need to explain my story in real time.
It has been a crazy ride for the lot of us.
I have always heard that life can change in the blink of an eye. I didn't know the meaning of this phrase until recently. Grasping reality has been the hardest part. Nothing is the same. Life was supposed to change this year. I was supposed to have a kickass time with my friends, turn 18, graduate and move on to bigger and better things. But somehow, it is all tainted.
I hate to leave anything unfinished, but i don't know what else to write at the present time. |
| 145 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
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Halfway through my ABC's. |
September 27th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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Standby. I've got something good coming. I promise.
Just give it time. |
| 55 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Yes'm?
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Chapter 12. |
August 15th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Fiona Apple, Bright eyes
I have convinced myself that the things I do influence you in ways that you're too afraid to tell me. So would I be completely incorrect in thinking that maybe there's still something there? A chance for us?
I know you love her. She's got you head over heels, and I can't even make you stumble. And that should be enough for me. But somehow, it isn't. Maybe I'm just looking for closure. So go on and tell me that you don't love me. That you never think about me when you're away. That everything you said was a vain attempt not to hurt me. Tell me that you think I'm a great girl and you wish me the best. Erase the false pretense in my mind, and let me know for sure that you don't care. I don't want this to hurt anymore. This is the part where I write you off as nothing more than a friend. I'm sorry if this is too much for you to handle. Maybe now you understand why I must wash my hands of you. I hate to see you go, but we don't have much of a choice in this. I just want you to know that I will always love you.
I know I have not updated in quite a while. Things have been so inexorably jumbled as of late. Good luck has been scarce, and inspirations come few and far between.
School starts again in exactly one week. The last 7 days of summer will be filled with work, scrambling to fit the missing pieces, and desperate attempts to tie off loose ends. And suddenly we realize how much it all meant. Much of this summer will be missed, but I am glad to be moving on. I have ignited new relationships and extinguished those that began to flicker away. A few have been rekindled, but not in the same light. Amazing how something so solid can slowly drip away before our eyes into broken, charred remains.
This will forever burn on in my memory.
Now we begin the new schoolyear. The final chapter.
Here's to the summer.
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| 147 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Yes'm?
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I've got another confession, my friend. |
July 18th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Foo Fighters
So.
School starts back up again in a little over a month. I have not read any of my books, nor have I gathered any supplies, or even thought about beginning to prepare myself to jump back into the swing of things. This being my final and most important year of high school, should be the first thing on my mind.
I regret to inform you that it is not.
Oh sure, I'm excited to be rounding out my high school career and plunging into the 'real world', but I am attempting to milk the summer for all it is worth - everything.
This will be the last summer that we are all together. From here on out, we are all different, changed people. The innocence of childhood is scarce 'round these parts, and we are all slowly discovering that nothing lasts forever. Now comes the time to set an example. Now comes the time to accept responsibility and take charge of our own lives so that our heirs may learn the many lessons that we learned from those that came before us.
It is a valiant task that we face, but someone must do it. I accept the challenge with open arms and hopeful disposition.
But for now, let us enjoy the remainder of the last summer vacation of our high school careers.
Good luck.
.Map |
| 133 hit(s) |
(4 comments) |
Yes'm?
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My name is Meredith, and I have a problem. |
July 6th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Better than Ezra
This is the part where I lay it all down. I should probably wait to be completely honest, but there's no time like the present, right?
For all those of you who don't know me, this will sound like the typical rants caused by teenage angst. Maybe it is. But if you take a closer look, it is so much more. Things are not always what they seem, objects appear closer than they are, and all that jazz. I could claim to be misunderstood. And perhaps I am. But I don't think that has any relevance to . . .anything, really.
So here's the deal - I feel an incessant need to be liked. I almost constantly want attention. And though my moodswings do not always come at a certain time of the month, you can bet your bottom dollar I will have shifted faces by the end of the conversation.
I cannot ever finish what I start, and if I happen to complete a project, I am never satisfied with the results. I set myself up for heartbreak, and always want what I absolutely can not have. Not without some serious compromising of morality.
My heart changes as quickly as the wind, but a second of my undivided attention is worth the world. I don't follow through with most of what I say I will do, and blame it not on fear, but on distraction. I am capable of being the most pessimistic person I know, but keep a lovely smile all the while. I am also indecisive.
Part of me wants to break out of my skin and run. Another part makes me stay out of sheer curiosity. Some of me wants to grab him and kiss him like I have never before. And still, another part wants to spend all of the money I have worked for and fly away. Just for a hug. I could honestly die happy if I could just feel him kiss my forehead. The comfort I feel from a hug and a kiss on the forehead is enough to make me never want to move again.
I struggle with relationships. Not so much maintaining them. Beginning them is the hardest part. And I deal horribly with loss of any kind.
It's like that exact moment you can feel someone slipping away. And no matter how far you stretch, no matter how much you twist to fit the right mold, you remain an inch too short. And you have to slowly watch them fade off into oblivion. That is what this all feels like. Constant wondering. Why can't I just be happy? Why am I never satisfied? Why is it never good enough? But what I always fail to realize - it IS good enough.
I want everything to fall into my lap. I have grown weary of trying anymore. Selfish, I know. But who doesn't feel the same way?
So I guess all I can really say for sure is that I am typical.
But the first step is admitting your problem.
Over and Out.
.Map |
| 124 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Yes'm?
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Would you forgive me, love? |
June 29th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Alanis Morrisette
My mother and I are starting a 12-week program. No, we are not junkies. This supposed 'self-improvement course' is used to rediscover hidden realms of creativity. She, having come to a roadblock in her current project, asked me to join her in the program and I agreed. If nothing else, maybe it will get the ball rolling on her book.
So forgive me love if I cry in your shower
Today, I decided to surrender. After three years, I am dusting off the old white flag and preparing for the worst. Too long have I been idle in this.
So forgive me love for the salt in your bed
I know not what brought about this sudden change of heart, but I am greatful for my muse and will do my best to follow through. I have come a long way.
So forgive me love if I cry all afternoon
Maybe now I can find my way back home.
Wish me luck.
Map. |
| 148 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Yes'm?
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Call me Ishmael. |
June 19th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Citizen Cope / Mraz / Barenaked Ladies
This is an update. Mostly for Stef's sake. Demanding whore.
The summer is nearly half over already, and I have barely gotten a tan. It's almost as though all of the time I was supposed to take advantage of is locked away in a box under my bed, along with stuffed animals and old photos. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Things have slipped off into another dimension, and I don't quite know if I want to be saved. It's like a part of me is floating outside of my life, laughing at all of the things I am doing wrong, and learning from the things I do right. Discovering the effect (and backlash) of my newfangled outlook.
I guess you could say I'm 'finding myself'. I don't know how accurate that is. But whatever helps me sleep at night, eh?
The actual answer to that is Tylenol PM.
So, in celebrating the spirit of my topsy-turvy upside-down and backwards present life, I will leave you all with this:
Take from it what you will.
.Map |
| 140 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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This is not a hint. Yes it is. |
June 6th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Rufus Wainwright
I'm looking for the Tower of Learning.
Peter left for Europe yesterday.
I hate goodbyes, but I really wish I would have had the chance to say mine.
There is not much reason for an update. The happenings of my life as of late are all trivial in retrospect. Before each post I have a lot to say, but somehow it all gets lost in translation.
I'm looking for the Copious Prize.
The humdrum schedule I follow with each passing day is becoming decreasingly appealing, and I am slowly jamming myself into an inescapable rut. Yes, summer is here. But there is little-to-no promise for the future. I see no excitement for the oncoming holiday.
I saw it in your eyes, what I'm looking for.
Spontaneity is a thing of the past. I feel an interminable desire for adventure. If only as a breif jolt. I swear, if I had a better cash flow I'd be an adrenaline junkie.
I saw it in your eyes, what I'm looking for.
Maybe I'll try running away from home. Somewhere out west. Just for a few days. I hate to sound mad, but I am experiencing the worst case of cabin fever. I fear I may butcher my family if a change of scenery does not present itself.
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing,
Map.
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| 123 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
Yes'm?
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Moondance |
May 25th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Michael Buble
Feeling: torn
Can I just have one more moondance with you, my love?
Yesterday was my 17th birthday. It really was wonderful. I could not have asked for anything more. Granted, under better circumstances the night would have ended alot differently, but I had fun nonetheless. I adore some of my friends.
Really, who else would be willing to drive me around all day, simply enjoying eachother's company? Thanks, Peter.
Work has been good. I have close-to-perfected the snowball-making process. My boss is a barrel of laughs, and I am quite convinced that I could not be happier elsewhere.
The Seniors return from their cruise this saturday. I am excited to see my Meryll and Brian again. Graduations begin on Friday. Peter is the first to go.
I say that as if he is leaving us all behind. Choosing a separate life apart from the rest of us poor souls. Even though he is not yet gone, I miss him already.
I have to start working on presents for everyone. I already know what I will be doing for my friends. It will just take some time.
For now I will enjoy the simple distractions of my day, such as my guitar or Dillon, the avid snowball eater. Yes, that is what I shall call him. Gorgeous boy.
Seniors '06.
Here we come.
Signing off,
Map. |
| 144 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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My love still remains. |
May 17th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Marc Broussard - Gavin's song
Feeling: sane
I wish we were together.
The play is officially over. There was a tinge of emptiness floating idly through the halls today at school. Somehow, it is more difficult this year to bury it all and let go.
I wish I was home
The entire cast was in tears Saturday night for the Seniors. We are all afraid for them, but I could not be happier to see them off. I will miss some of them terribly. I have grown so close to a number of them. But I must remember that this should not be a melancholy event. I will try to stay optimistic.
I wish there were nights where I was never alone
I got a job. I am working at Georgia St. snowballs with Brook and Meryll. Maybe now I'll be able to buy a car. As much as I love depending on my friends for everything, I think it is about time I share in the responsibility.
I know I've said it but I'll say it once again.
My birthday is next Tuesday. I am 17 years young. No, this means nothing special, really. No legal curfew. And I can see Rated R movies without an adult. I can feel the excitement.
That is about it for now.
I wish I could be there, but I can't.
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| 63 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Yes'm?
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All the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey. |
May 8th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Guster - California dreamin'
Feeling: torn
Well . . .
Prom was more than wonderful. Stephen took me to the most expensive friggin restaurant in the state, and spent an obscene amount of money I'm sure. First time I have ever eaten hickory roasted duck, I can assure you.
The dance was great fun, and I discovered that I am not as much of a spaz as I thought I was. Oh, I am a big spaz. Just not as much as I previously believed. After party / campout was great as well.
Ryan came home from rehab because they thought he was doing really well, and was ready to come home. So he came to our party right when he got out.
The next day, he checked himself back in.
I miss him much, but he should be home in a few weeks.
Today was Mother's day. Woo.
Today was the first day I actually missed having my dad around. No, it has nothing to do with mother's day.
But in 9 years, this was the first time I actually missed him.
He came over to bring my mom and I some crawfish. I went out to his truck to get him something to drink, and thats when it hit me. As I was closing his big black tailgate, I realized that I miss my daddy. I miss his huge truck in the driveway, his stinky shoes sitting under the coffee table, the aroma of his cooking throughout our house on a lazy sunday afternoon. So many things I took for granted, that I can not have back.
Everywhere I look, something reminds me of Joe. I feel him in everything that I do. And with the play coming next week, it will be all the more apparent that he is not here anymore. He was supposed to come back.
"Do it for Joe," they say through unknowing eyes. "Be strong for Joe."
I don't know how far my feet will carry me without him.
Random Adverb,
Map. |
| 141 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Yes'm?
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Can't imagine my life without you. |
April 27th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Jeff Edwards
Feeling: lousy
There is so much to say.
As many of you may already know, the last few weeks have fallen rather short of satisfactory. Hence the lack of updates.
On April 17, one of my dearest friends, Joe, was killed in a motorcycle accident. I found out at play rehearsal about three hours after the incident. I was blinded with confusion and hysterical crying for the remainder of the night. Joe was like family. He was MY Joe. This, I continuously repeated after discovering what happened. Twenty years is far too short a life.
His funeral was on Saturday. Much to everyone's surprise, the casket was open. I believed I would find comfort in seeing his sweet face one last time, but when I approached his resting place, I hardly recognized the countenance. I can only hope that all memories of him will not be tainted by the strange face I encountered.
Though reality has not quite set in yet, I miss him more than words can possibly express. I find myself reminiscing about the play, his car, soccer games, and just the simple conversations that we shared out on my driveway. Back before the air was too hot to stand.
I fear that further thought on this subject at the present time will cripple me, so I must stop there.
On a more jovial note, the play arrives in 2 weeks, and brings with it the end of the schoolyear. I could not possibly be more anxious for summer.
Prom is this Friday night. I know I will enjoy myself, and others. Hopefully not too much, eh Stef?
I refuse to feign happiness now. The truth is, I am very sad. Still in mourning over the loss of a dear friend, I will do what I must to lift my spirits, and will offer a more cheerful update when in a better state of mind.
Just . . .Yours.
.Map |
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Kiss me on the mouth. |
April 9th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: The Jealous Sound - Hope for Us.
Feeling: torn
It is 1 of clock.
I could not be more exhausted, but I felt the need for a quick but loaded update.
I took ACTs today. Last time I took them, I got a 25. Yes, that sounds awful, but it is actually very good. Two more points, and I can get a full scholarship.
Today at ACTs, I ran into an old childhood friend whose mother died two weeks ago. The combination of unfamiliarity and a recent death made the conversation short-lived and rather awkward, but it was lovely to have seen her again.
I didn't get Girls' State. Somewhat upset about that, but like they always say, "When a door closes, a window opens," or something to that effect.
My window of opportunity comes in the form of an internship in Journalism this summer for The Times Picayune, the biggest newspaper in New Orleans. My Lit teacher correctly assumed that I would be interested, so she is gathering all of the information for me this weekend. I am very excited. It would be an amazing experience, and perhaps guide me that much closer to exactly what it is I want to study.
Prom is in 3 weeks. Lack of plans, a dress, or a real date are normally the hindrances on everyone's minds, but I am not nearly as worried as I should be. I'm winging it. I know I'll have fun either way.
No talk of love life, relationships, dating, nor romance in general tonight. My feeble mind is far too strained this evening, and I must catch some sleep. Big day tomorrow.
Hasta Luego,
Map. |
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What once seemed impossible, now makes perfect sense. |
March 28th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Mae - Mistakes we knew we were making
I just want to wake up in someone else's arms.
The days have been fine. I melt a little more as the nights begin to warm. But all in all, I have done an amazing job distracting myself from any sort of burdens. Trouble is, once i feel better, trouble seems to find me. Tragic, I realize, but completely unavoidable. I'm a hopeless romantic, what can I say? So now that I have lodged myself into an everchanging abyss of confusion, I will see who throws in their mighty rope to drag me out. I hate leaving myself so vulnerable, but an alternative has not presented itself.
So now, I wait.
Hopefully, i will not be swallowed up by the rising tide. But if I am, I pray to be tossed onto a distant shore. One with outstretched arms and a valiant will.
And if it's a nude beach, that'd be cool too. |
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Apparently nothing at all. |
March 22nd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: a perfect circle
Feeling: irate
Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded.
But I see, see through it all.
See through
and See you.
Things are getting underway with the play finally. Actually, I don't really know what that expression means. But it works.
So I threw you the obvious
To see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy.
My mother ambushed me in the middle of working on a new song, and asked me why I looked so sad. And for the first time, I had no idea what to say. Normally, when she asks those questions, I have an answer, whether I share it with her or not. But after nonchalantly shrugging my shoulders and continuing my work, I could not stop wondering. Why have I been so sad lately? There is no reason to be anything less than joyous at the present time. For the life of me, I can not answer this question.
It seems that I only have the glum expression when I am at home, which has been scarce this week.
I know there is something bothering me. Either I don't know exactly what it is, or I do and simply refuse to acknowledge it.
I'm going with the latter.
Oh well,
Apparently nothing.
You don't see me.
You don't see me at all.
The rest of the week will be busy. Friday is Steve's Birthday. Happy 18th.
I am not even going to pretend that I had a reason for posting.
Till next time.
Still fighting it,
Map. |
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Lordy, Lordy. |
March 12th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Wicked - Popular
Feeling: torn
So, uhh . . . wow.
Yes.
This will be very long, and very pointless, so read at your own risk.
Well, Since neither Erica nor I were asked to go to literary rally this year, we decided to make a date of this wasted day. We went to Panda King, the movies, and Baskin Robbins. It was great fun, and I wound up only spending like 10 bucks.
She dropped me off at the levee to meet Liney and Brian. We played out by the rocks, and had a grand old time.
Then we went to Wal Mart to get paint and the like in order to get our creative juices flowing, but got immediately distracted and went to Peter's. They played soccer. Line and I laid out on the driveway and watched the stars. Mary slept inside. It was fun.
We went home, painted, left, and here I am.
That was pointless.
So, tomorrow marks the year anniversary of what has come to be called 'the night.' I believe a celebration is in order.
It is so strange how things have changed since then. Relationships have strengthened, and some diminished. So much is different now. I look back at this time last year, and am shocked that those were ever our lives. But as strange as it may seem, I am somewhat glad things went the way they did. Yes, things are different, but who says change has to be bad? We have all grown from this, and have become better people because of it. For the most part, anyway.
And though I feel a sense of fond nostalgia, I don't really miss it. I am happy the way things are now. We have all become close-knit friends, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
SO, that was pretty much it.
I will update when I have something better to write. It is far too late to be poetic. |
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I hope to God I figure out what's wrong. |
March 10th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Our Lady Peace - 4AM
Feeling: used
I figure I can be frank. It's my journal, and no one of importance reads it anyway.
Not that you guys aren't important. . .
Just. . . yeah, whatever.
So, my plan was to ask Corey to prom today. And it was going well. Apparently, he wanted to go with me and was simply waiting for me to ask him. How true that is, I am not sure, but still. So I was more than ready, and then Cynthia fucked it up. Details aren't important.
But now I am not so sure I want to ask him anymore. Sad that a comment would completely change my mind about him, but it did. I am really upset. As if I wasn't terrified of his friends enough, just the thought of him being rude or malicious makes me so firghtened I don't even want to talk to him. I could not picture him saying anything mean. And I'm sure he didn't mean for it to sound that way, but that's how I interpreted it, and I was very hurt. And still am.
I do really still want him to come with me. I would like to be given the opportunity to get to know him better. Hopefully that has not been lost already.
It's just such a messy situation.
And to top it all off, a past flame has been somewhat rekindled, and it is enough to make me want to weep. I hate relationships.
Why can it all just be simple, damnit?
Eloquently written, no? |
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You gotta help me fly away. |
March 5th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Hootie and the Blowfish - Let Her Cry.
Feeling: alone
It is so strange how the simplest things can effect us in the greatest ways. Be it a picture, a song, a scent, it seems that memories come flooding back at the most inconvenient times. Not that the memories are always bad. No, rarely ever are they bad. They are wonderful. But that is the trouble.
What do you do when the past returns?
What's worse - What do you do when it makes you wish for different things?
When you think you are over something, but you realize that maybe, just maybe. . . you aren't. Yes, I understand that we don't completely move past everything, especially not matters of the heart. But how can you tell if your fond reminiscing is more than that?
I could go off on this whole spiel about falling in love and heartbreak, but I will spare you the wild tangent, and attempt to be discretely obvious.
The truth is, I have been thinking alot about the past. I find myself listening to music soaked in memories of the things I know I should have moved past. I guess in a vain attempt to gain some clarity, I am trying to provoke feelings that I shouldn't have.
That made so much more sense in my head.
I am so terribly confused about what I am feeling. And yes, this is a frequent occurrence for me, so I am not looking for any comsolation. I realize that the only person who can figure out what I want is myself.
Yadda Yadda Yadda, shut up.
But at the same time, all of these substitues for emotions have taken such a toll on me, that I believe I am beginning to think up my own elaborate happenings in order to avoid the reality of the situation.
The reality is - I don't know what is going on in my life, my head, my heart. I can't make sense of any of this. I just want for things to be easier and to work themselves out so that I can finally sleep again.
They say that time heals all things, but how long will it take?
How long must I wait? |
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Don't fear the future. |
March 1st, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Guster
Feeling: confused
Third quarter exams start tomorrow. I am a bit too comfortable with them. Whenever I am not worried about a test, it usually means I should be, and am going to severely fuck up.
Oh well. I am hopeful that this is just the paranoia speaking, and that I will pass with flying colors.
I am writing a lot more lately. Romantic frustration has been my muse for so long.
Ahh, misery. So loyal she is. Gotta love it. At least there is some kind of consistancy in my life.
I am marching to the beats of two different drums, and can not find my own rhythm.
God, I love being metaphorical.
I had expected for this journal to be great. I had a million things to say, but it all somehow lost its appeal.
Perhaps I shall blow your minds another day.
Reminiscently (but also hopefully) Yours,
.Map |
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Tell me that something is missing. |
February 24th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Rascal Flatts - It's not just me.
Feeling: contemplative
The play is going rather well. I'm having lots of fun, and already making new friends. Mucho exciting. Tomorrow, I go to an arena football game. Saturday, I go to Battle of the Bands.
I am anxious. I am so glad to be spending more time with those friends with whom I have lost touch over the last few months. It's always pleasant to rekindle old relationships. Well . . mostly. There are a few others I am weary of, mostly because I see myself spiraling right back down into them, something I do not wish to do in vain. But hopefully, I can able to keep a clear head, and not let my overactive emotions get the better of me.
On a more random note . . . I was thinking alot today, and I have come to the conclusion that most people don't actually realize how strong words are. For example, the word 'Love'. So casually it is thrown around as if it were merely an object. But in actuality, it is an unfathomable gift. Something that simple words can not possibly explain.
Similarly, the phrase 'broken heart'. Do you know how much it takes to actually break a heart? To shatter someone's faith in themselves, and everyone else. To cause blood flow, for a short while, to slow down and in some cases - to completely cease. In order to have a broken heart, the deepest emotions must have been experienced. The amount of feeling that must have previously been endured to make a heart break is not even imaginable by most people.. I don't think I can begin to understand it. That kind of love is what so many have prayed for all of their lives, never to fully experience the joy, agony, bliss, and pain that comes from love. To lose something so strong, so powerful, so life altering, would cause the mightiest of men to crash and burn.
In the very fortunate cases, heart break can be surpassed, and complacency restored.
But once something is truly broken, it can not be mended . . . can it?
Just . . . something to think about.
Introspectively yours,
Map. |
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Today was not supposed to suck. |
February 20th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Nothing. Because My fucking computer deleted all of my music.
Feeling: destroyed
I have spent the last hour on the verge of tears.
Today was supposed to be good. I was supposed to go to the first play rehearsal, enjoy myself, come home, have some ice cream, talk to my loved ones, and go to bed happy.
Well, play practice went fine. And then I came home.
Jesse called me and confirmed that he is dropping out of school. And though I will probably see him alot, it simply will not be the same. I am going to miss him so much. A bit dramatic of me, yes, But I feel like I am losing my best friend. I don't know what I am going to do without him there. He is what gets me through most days. It will be so different. I will miss my shadow. I will miss my best friend.
I know he is scared. I am too. But I wish him the best of luck. He has such talent, and I am confident that he will accomplish great things in life.
I love you, Jess.
As if I was not distraught enough already, I come home to find that my computer has deleted all of my music. I had over 1000 files saved. My music is all of me. It is my essence, and it is going to take forever to get it all back. But everything can be replaced, eh?
I don't much know what else to say. Today did not go as I had expected.
But I still have faith in tomorrow. . . |
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Um. Bored much? |
February 18th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Joshua Radin
Feeling: frozen
Is this a sin?
Eh, I'm pretty much updating just for the sake of updating.
So, I dragged my mom and aunt with me to see Sideways. I knew I would like it, but I was somewhat surprised with how much I actually did enjoy it. I have decided that Paul Giamatti is awesome. The movie was very funny. You should all go see it.
Kelly Osbourne is a weird one.
Sadly enough, this is about all i can scrape from my mind to type for the masses.
The masses of like . . . 3 people.
So i shall stop babbling now.
Yes. Yes indeed. |
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Please be impressed. |
February 13th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Daphne Loves Derby - Hopeless Love
Feeling: awkward
You demand to be chased for your love.
My desperate heart is far too weak to run for you this long.
But you don't care at all.
There's nothing I can do to draw you close to me.
So, Texas sucked. Like . . . alot. But we made the best of it, and returned home safely. So I guess that's the most important thing. I had fun with Stef and Alex. Then again, I always do, so it wasn't really a surprise or anything.
Can you take this silence like a pill so I can breathe again?
I've been trying to ignore the best parts of you.
I'm still hoping that I'll be with you somehow.
Tomorrow is the big V-day. Not really excited. For what seems like the millionth year in a row, I will be alone on the 'most special day for relationships'. The odd thing is, I have never really cared that much. Sure, it would be nice to have someone to share it with, but it have never been a very big deal to me. Spending a romantic day at school is also not particularly appealing to me.
Is it strange that the moment I returned home, I wanted to leave again? You would think that after being away, I would miss my family, my bed, my house, and all of the things I have been so accustomed to. The fact that I want so badly to leave home is frightening. It's not like I don't love my family and everything they do for me. It's just . . . I am so overly ready to get out of here. I love New Orleans, but I can't wait to just . . . GO.
Is that normal?
Eh, i dunno.
I'll write more when I am otherwise inspired.
Hopeless love, why did you carve your home in me?
This broken heart is too weak to hold your weight.
And now I regret the day we met.
And help me forget your name. |
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. . .Bleh. |
February 3rd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Wicked - Defying Gravity
Feeling: used
Last update before leaving.
Enjoy it, bitches.
So, my mom freaked out about the whole 'people being kidnapped at the border' thing, and told me i was not to go to Mexico.
Hah.
Okay.
Hopefully the vacation will take my mind off of the other crap. . .
They posted play results today. I did not get the part I wanted.
I got A part . . . but it's not the one I wanted. Not even close. So, for another year in a row, I get beat out by seniority, and have to play Cynthia's mother. So, yeah, you could say i'm a bit heartbroken.
But that's life, eh? Shit happens.
Alright, that was enough of a rant for now. I will be happy with the part I got, and do my best to not suck at it.
And now I don't much feel like writing anything else.
I'll come back and share my stories of Texas and Mexas . . . ico.
.Map |
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Wake up to show me what I could not find. |
January 31st, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Great White - Rock Me
Feeling: concerned
Dispatch title, while listening to 80's rock. Gotta love it.
Play Auditions should be posted by the end of the week. So, we wait in anticipation for the moment that little white sheet of paper seals our fates for the next 3 months. Hopefully, I will not chew off all of my nails in an attempt to be patient.
I am journeying off to Texas and Mexico with Alex and Stef for Mardi Gras break. We leave on Friday, and return the 12th. I shall try to update again before that, but I will not make promises.
My father took my little brother and I to dinner tonight. We went to our favorite Mexi-rant (that he happened to build) where he proceeded to hit on our waitress, who was merely a year older than I. I later discovered the reason for his flirtacious behavior.
He and his girlfriend of the last 8 years split up the week before Christmas. This abrupt ending to a relationship that seems to have lasted forever came as a great shock to me, and to everyone else. This is the woman that my father left us for 8 years ago. So, somehow, this feels not only like a failed relationship, but a waste of a long time of lacking a father. This one was supposed to work out. If it was enough for him to leave us behind for, it should last forever, right?
Ironically enough, she left him because she is seeing someone else. I hate to say it, but Karma is a bitch, aint it?
My heart ached for him when he informed me. Tears filled my eyes for some breif seconds while he explained his story.
I know he loved her. As best as he knows how, anyway. Seeing my father choke back on tears, sadness, and anger is one of the most heartwrenching experiences I have had to endure my whole life through. He vainly attempted to hide any trace of emotion, as he swore to me that he was 'Over it."
I admire his strength, and think it is about due time for a reconciliation.
Sometimes, something has to happen to realize how you really feel about someone.
I love my dad, I do. I regret the wasted years. And though it is an unfortunate series of events, part of me is happy it happened, because now I'll have a place in his life again.
That's about it for now. |
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There is always something there to remind me. |
January 29th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Reel Big Fish
Feeling: happy
Stef, You are a homosexual.
Hrm . . .where do I begin? Er . . continue . . .
Tuesday - Soccer Games, And in an incredibly noble act, I think I quit Cheerleading on account of crazy Nazi bitch moderator. But that may be shortlived.
Wendesday - Rally. It went . . .well . . . It went.
I sucked it up pretty badly. But I still got an 'Excellent'. As did everyone else from my school. Not too shabby, eh?
Thursday - Play Auditions! I tried out for Sarah. (We're doing Guys N' Dolls. Great Show.) I think I did rather well. Though I am not exactly used to this whole "competition" thing, Because I helped my competitors learn their songs, and listened and critiqued them for hours. Mr. David seemed rather impressed with my audition, and not at all upset about the previous night. I hope I get the part. Damn seniority if I don't.
Friday - Fiesta en mi clase de espanol. Everyone had to bring a date. Brook being the amazing friend that he is, decided to make Corey go with me. So, that was only slightly embarrassing. Erica gyrating on me in the middle of the room was also only slightly embarrassing. Being too scared to talk to him . . . eh, I'm working on it. He's a nice kid. I'll get there soon enough.
Today - Last boy's soccer game. Country Day kicked our asses. Their players picked a fight with Peter and a few others during the game. The witty remarks from the opposing side included telling Peter that he was uglier than they were. When I stood up and begged to differ, the gentleman called me "Trash." I laughed at him. Alot.
Then I hung out with Peter and Brian all day. It was very "Activitous." heh.
Now, I am winding down with Reel Big Fish and ice cream.
Maybe tomorrow, I will go to a parade.
Viva La Mardi Gras.
.MaP |
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And you're my good feeling. |
January 23rd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Something Corporate - She paints me blue
Feeling: weak
And you are my reason
for breathing.
So this weekend, I stayed at Gran's house with Alex and Stef.
Two days full of hot tubs, karaoke, food, boys, and more food.
And some weird Vietnamese Frappuccino that i don't really want to talk about because it upsets me so.
I reached yet another epiphany on Saturday night.
I've been getting alot of those lately. But i think this one will actually change some aspects of my life. Too long I have been at a stand still, waiting in vain for things to fix themselves. I know now that yes, it will take some will power, But i am perfectly capable of change.
Because after all, everything is possible, right?
Today, after pledging that I would do my research paper, Caroline called needing help with Analysis, because we are both in terrible trouble. So after studying for a bit, Brian calls.
He and Peter want to come over.
So they do. We hang out for a while, making fun of Brian and sitting around the fireplace screen saver. Peter played my guitar alot, and i finally realize how much i miss it all. I have missed the way things used to be. Just . . hanging out. I dunno. Sometimes, it only takes a second to remind you of what you have lost.
So, needless to say, I enjoyed my day.
The weekend with the girls was marvelous, but I, for some reason, needed this. And I feel so much better because of it all. Thanks, guys.
Wednesday is Vocal Rally, and I am getting sick. I have like a 100 fever. And rising.
I really hope I don't get too sick to go again this year. *crosses fingers*
Even though I'm really gonna suck it up out there, I just think it'll be a good experience, and will better prepare me for next year. Thursday is Auditions for the play. Ad i have been informed that there will be some tough competition for my esteemed part.
Pray for me.
And that's all I have to say about that. |
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Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be. |
January 19th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: India.Arie
Feeling: withdrawn
"But I've drawn the conclusion, it's all an illusion
Confusion's the name of the game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's got to change . . .
So get in where you fit, and go on and shine
Clear your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
Cause everything is gonna be alright"
Something about that song always makes me smile. Its uplifting, and oddly liberating.
I have needed some form of 'pick-me-up' lately, what with the events taking place in the near future. Vocal Rally - Wednesday. Play Auditions - Thursday. Very nervous.
Hopefully seniority will not affect the distributing of the lead roles. For I am a lowly Junior.
I am more apprehensive about Vocal Rally. Mostly because this is my first year going, and I am not making much progress with my song.
A few of my friends and I were talking earlier, and I reached epiphany.
I am going to be a senior next year.
My 16th and final year at Ecole Classique. Then it's off into a whole new world. A dazzling place I never knew.
Okay, sorry. But seriously . . . It's a scary thought. I have grown accustomed to Ecole. The place where everybody knows your name. I can only see myself on Graduation night, standing behind the podium (because i plan to be at least salutatorian) looking like a deer in headlights. I don't know where I will go from high school.
And i'm positive i will re-enact this same rant quite a few times over the next year. So i will think of this epiphany as the beginning of the next chapter.
The prelude to the wonderful story in which I will, hopefully, play the Heroine.
Sorry about the random cheeseball lyrics everywhere.
Who says ordinary people don't burst out into song?
.Map |
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Now, We're all the terminal cases. |
January 13th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Further Seems Forever
Feeling: independent
And I admire your strength.
You keep us going on.
I should be studying. Chemistry and American History tests tomorrow. Somehow, i don't care.
This week, though not yet completed, has been the most exhausting few days I have had in quite a while. My room is a disaster, I have neglected most of my schoolwork, I have completely forgotten the feel of my guitar, and my pillow is summoning me. My cat doesn't even bother come near me now.
Thus will be the next few weeks. With two research papers due this term, i have scarcely had opportunity to do anything aside from writing.
Embryonic Stem Cell Research, and The Tet Offensive.
Those are my topics. Shitty, eh?
Vocal Rally is in 2 weeks, and I am doing much better, without actually being any good at all. Nerves, for the most part, are holding me back. I hate singing in front of people unless I am onstage. With hundreds watching.
I know, it makes little to no sense, but it is so.
I would love nothing more than to take a long nap, but there is too much to be done, and i have had the most trouble falling into that deep slumber i was formerly so accostomed to.
---------------------------------------------
Alright, enough with the complaining.
Mraz has put me in a better mood. : )
Anyhow, I have been dubbed "Big V" by Brook, Glenn, James, and virtually everyone else in my class.
Use your imaginations.
I love those kids.
Stef and Alex, you were right. I am the Cowardly Lion. But my courage is slowly boosting. I can almost feel it. Give me another week. I will talk to him. It is important that i do. For my own sake.
Ugh. I hate not being able to write anything worth reading. I am disgusted with myself.
I will attempt this again when i actually have something other than crap.
.Map
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Though I cant imagine how, I hope youre happy right now. |
January 8th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Wicked - Defying Gravity
Feeling: empowered
But I don't want it.
No, I can't want it anymore.
Today was the girl's soccer game.
They lost 9-0. But it was fun regardless. Krystal is awesome. I love that chick.
I set a goal for myself that I completely chickened out of this week. I am rather ashamed of it. Kay, Stef, and Alex know what I'm talking about. For those of you who don't, you would smack me if you did. SO it's better off this way.
But the point is, I'm a tool. And now i'm pissed.
I will do it.
Like the little engine that could, i slowly move up the mighty hill, chugging "I think i can, I think i can."
Alright, that was bad, i know. I'm trying.
Damn, this is good beef jerky.
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
I decided on a song for Vocal Rally. Mainly because it is in 3 weeks. I am singing Nel Cor. It's Italian. It is a rather lovely piece. Short, but sweet.
Too long I've been afraid of Losing love -I guess I've lost.
Well, if that's love,
It comes at much too high a cost
I got my report card back yesterday.
4 A's, 2 B's. Eh, i can pull them up this semester. So, needless to say, the madre was not too pleased. I don't much care, however.
The play starts soon!! We are doing Guys and Dolls. I hope for the part of Sarah. I am so beyond excited. Play time is my favorite time of year. Yay!
And that's all i have to say about that.
So if you care to find me,
Look to the western sky.
As someone told me lately -
Everyone deserves the chance to fly!
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Lips move, they say "It'll be okay." |
January 2nd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Guster
Feeling: rejuvenated
No more fooling around or living underground on New Year's resolutions. By this time next year, I won't be here.
In keeping with the tradition of the New Year's Eve celebrations, when the clock neared midnight I stepped out into the cool night air. My plans for the evening did not go as I had expected, but I made the best of the situation, and joined my mother for the show. The whole town was laden with a soft misty fog that created a seemingly dream-like atmosphere. My block was empty of people, but the nearby popping and whistling was an assurance that the weather did not dampen holiday spirits.
Anticipation in the air for the final stroke of the night was thick, as the smell of smoke filled our noses. Suddenly, in one thunderous clamor, explosions notified us of the time.
Fireworks erupted in the sky, making the previously dim air flash the most brilliant reds, greens, blues, and golds. Each shot created a vibrantly glowing haze, and gave light to every facet of my surroundings. The multicolored atmosphere more than compensated for the invisibility of the regularly brightly shining stars. Any place you looked was livened with blossoming embers and falling smoke.
I never thought so much stimulation could be so peaceful. With sharp ears and illuminated eyes, I absorbed every bang, pop, explosion and color, until the last stream of gray smoke faded into the silent haze.
Thus was my New Year's Eve. No, I am not embarrassed to say that I spent the beginning of a new chapter of life with no one but my mother. Who better to share such a moving view with? It's funny. There were a hundred parties to go to, many friends to be with, but i didn't attend a one. My mom said that she stayed home her junior year for New Year's Eve as well. Thought that was an odd coincidence.
So, I spent last night with Stef and Alex, and Napoleon Dynamite, Donnie Darko, and Zach Braff. Ish.
It was a fun time.
We stayed up, engaged in Hypnosis (which was really fucking weird), ordered pizza at like 1:30, and fell asleep around 7:30 this morning.
Yeah, so I am quite exhausted.
There really is not much to say. Nor is there ever. So, enjoy.
Hopefully this new year will mark the beginning of a different part of my life. Some things will be difficult to change, but Que Sera, Sera, no?
Terminado y fuera,
.Map |
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So, this is the new year. |
December 31st, 2004 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: deathcab for cutie
Feeling: foolish
Woah. Yesterday was my SitD anniversary.
Thats kinda cool.
Ish.
Not too much to say.
Tis New Year's Eve.
Tonight will consist of Stef, maybe alex, and Napoleon Dynamite.
No, no midnight kiss. I don't much feel like i need one. It's all good.
I didnt sleep at all last night. It was awful. My mother is terribly ill, so i have been taking care of her for the past few days, so i think i might be catching whatever she has.
I dont even know why i'm updating. I have nothing to say.
Happy New Year.
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Here i am, waiting for you to take me home. |
December 26th, 2004 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Ben Folds
Feeling: uplifted
Okay, so this is gonna be a long one. I have much to say, and no one to talk to.
I have always been my best audience anyway.
SO, read at your own risk.
Written on Christmas Eve... obviously.
"It's Christmas Eve. I am visiting my father's house for the first time. Ever. This day means alot for me. It's the first time at Papa's house, and hopefully the reconciliation of my paternal relationship.
The year's winding down brings me closer to my first steps toward self-improvement. "Lose some weight," I pledge to myself. "Save money for a car. Figure out what college I want to attend. Get a boyfriend. Work harder. " New Year's Resolutions.
These are the thoughts that plague my existence with each approaching year. No matter how close I come to each one, I remain unsatisfied. I could potentially reach perfection, and still I would not be happy.
So we should ask ourselves - Are our New Year's resolutions really resolving anything? Or are they merely ideas of what we should be, but are not?
I think they should be called New Year's Suggestions. Or guidelines. "
---------------------------------------------
So, yes. It snowed for Christmas.
Surprise Surprise.
No, really.
This was written 3 days before Christmas. With a certain someone in mind.
Like i said, read at your own risk.
"And one day, i'll have the courage to tell you all of these things, but for now we take the beaten path and slowly depart. With a heavy sigh, i let you leave again, but can not let you go completely. So one more goodnight is uttered and I hold my peace til our next encounter.
I know you're listening. You may not understand, but I know you're listening.
They say it may snow here for Christmas. Little do they know, the clouds simply mean rain. I am willing to accept the fact that nothing good is to happen here at the present time. A thought with which many others find it difficult to cope. So it looks like I'm living in a Green Christmas for the 15th year in a row.
The first is always the greatest. And as we progress, we learn that nothing compares to how it made us feel. Though passing time causes our minds to grow weary, We remember. Never again will it be that sweet. Never again will winter be that cold. Never again will I have an angel sing to me. Though I wish he would.
Our hearts travel as often and quickly as we do. Anywhere from New York to Arizona, or Massachusetts to New Orleans, variations occur. They can be like black and white, but at the same time, some things are simply incomprable."
So, yeah. I feel like a fool.
It snowed. Damn me for being so pessimistic.
There was more. I described the weather, snowball fights, hot chocolate with my little brother, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, and that damn Jack Frost. The whole shtick. But that is a bit more personal, so I'd rather not share everything.
And that's all i have to say about that. |
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Mamacita, Donde esta Santa Claus? |
December 25th, 2004 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Guster
Feeling: bleh
Ole!
Hoy fue Navidad.
It snowed.
Woo.
Got some good stuff.
The night portion SUCKED, but i will get into detail in the morning.
Too goddamn tired now.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! |
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Oh simple thing, where have you gone? |
December 23rd, 2004 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Keane - Somewhere only we know.
Feeling: eh
I walked across an empty land. I knew the pathway like the back of my hand. I felt the earth beneath my feet. Sat by the river and it made me complete.
Oh simple thing where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on. So tell me when you're gonna let me in. I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.
heh.
Its so strange how we tend to get entirely wrapped up in the now. I have been so occupied with the current events of my life, (though they are not so important) that i completely missed November 16. It has only been 2 years. You'd think i would still remember. Quite frankly, I don't even know if that date is correct. I am disapointed in myself for forgetting.
But maybe forgetting is good in a way.
Letting go is always a good thing, right?
I just miss him.
Happy Holidays, all.
Dean Thomas Laurent.
11-02.
And that's all i have to say about that. |
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I will wait for no one but you. |
December 20th, 2004 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Cool Hand Luke - Rest for the Weary.
Feeling: rejected
This song is . . . so great.
I suggest you all listen to it.
NOW!
Okay, i am done.
2nd update in 2 days. And this one will be just as pointless as the last.
I would like to say that Craig is my best guy. He is awesome. Everyone praise the Craig.
So, inconveniences suck. Hello, my name is blatenly obvious.
I know.
But really, isn't it the damndest thing that when you finally decide to do something, or decide that you are over something, or whatthefuckever, something comes along and completely fucks it over?
I know i'm making little to no sense right now, but these random words DO have some kind of meaning. Obviously something i can not presently express very gracefully.
Whatever.
So, the meteorologists are all saying that we could get snow for Christmas.
I think that would be more of a miracle than a phone call from him.
I feel a lyric coming on. . . |
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'He just doesnt KNOW he's my boyfriend yet!' |
December 19th, 2004 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Mae - Summertime
Feeling: amorous
Go on ahead and let it fade away.
No looking back, you know the past will stay.
So, lovely days, eh?
Boys soccer and basketball did quite well this weekend.
And even though soccer lacked a key player, they faired well. heh heh.
Last night, i went to Erin's Christmas "Get your halls decked" party.
Jesus H. Christ.
Mad love to my Jesse for taking care of me.
And like the dillhole that I am, I managed to lose my cell phone.
Got to see Taylor, which was nice because i hadn't seen him in like 2 and a half years.
HE grew up well.
Thats really all i have to say . . . mainly because i dont much remember anything. haha.
High fives for no hangovers.
BIG FUCKING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALEX MARIE!!
Sorry i couldnt make it last night, darlin'.
But i will kill those whores for you.
Anywhoots.
My padre came into town today and took me out to lunch. It was nice to see him again. It had been quite a while.
Another party tonight at Cynthia's restaurant. Should be fun.
No Alcohol.
I can hear the Hallelujah chorus.
When i actually have something of importance to say, i shall update again.
Just drive away. Leaving it all behind.
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There is no better loss than to lose myself in you. |
December 15th, 2004 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: MuteMath - Control
Feeling: invincible
11 P.M. the day before my Chemistry mid-term, and what am i doing instead of sleeping?
I am writing.
Inspiration hails from the most arbitrary settings.
I sit here with my hot chocolate, bundled up in a furry blanket (for it is quite cold out), trying not to think on the torments of the day. Listening to every beat and chord from my headphones, chills rush down my spine and a smile comes to my face. I worry not about what is to come. I am finding my peace with God. I am finding my peace with myself and those around me. And with those not so close to home.
The gravity of the myriads of unanswered questions floating through my mind slips swiftly away.
In a parachute to glide, I am captive in your sky.
Surrender has somehow become so beautiful.
Recording went well today. Hopefully the crap equipment we used doesnt effect the sound too much.
Eh, i don't much care either way.
And that's all i have to say about that.
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And the wind screams Meri. |
December 11th, 2004 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Turin Brakes - Pain Killer
Feeling: jubilant
Just got back from seeing Ocean's Twelve. It wasnt too bad. Not as good as the first, but then again nothing ever is.
The show at City Park went surprisingly well. So well in fact, that our principle has decided that he wants to make a c.d. of the choir doing our Christmas music. So, that's exciting, eh?
We record on Wednesday after stupid exams. It would be much more enjoyable if i didnt sound like Fran Drescher being strangled for the time being.
I have a cold, in case you didn't pick up on that.
Anywhoots. This year, Christmas day will be spent with my padre.
And i realized that i don't really care enough to write anymore . .
So, that's all i have to say about that.
-----------------------------------------------
Okay, so i was going through old journals again, and since i have nothing of any real meaning to say as of late, i will be novel and quote myself.
Because i used to be a genius. You will be seeing more and more of the old me, for i fear i am regressing. In the worst ways.
"We tend to wonder why we care so much about something or someone whole heartedly. Why we allow our lives to revolve around one certain thing to the point that we could not and would not live without it.
But many times, this thing or person does not return these feelings, and we are left with heartache and pain. And the strange feeling that we are completely unloved and will never be the same. This often leaves us empty-shelled, and stranded.
"Compassion is the awakening of the heart from bestial self-interest to humanity. The word "compassion" means literally "suffering with".
Without suffering, we would not learn the lessons that we need to learn. Without suffering, we could not fully understand why things are the way they are.
And Without suffering, we would not know what true rapture is."
Voila. |
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I'll have to wait to get the best of you. |
December 4th, 2004 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Dave Matthews Band - Lover Lay Down
Feeling: loopy
Yet another night of Copeland, Dave Matthews, Guster, and chocolate ice cream.
Oh, and rain.
Can't forget the rain.
I'm beginning to think i enjoy staying home more than going out. Though, i did get some new clothes today, which gave me the sudden urge to flaunt the fact that my mother brought me shopping. But then i figured that Dave and a shake was a much better spent evening than going to the movies. I hadn't realized until now how monotonous my life really is. There's really no excitement anymore. There's no adventure. But at the same time, i can't tell you the last time i even looked at the stars.
I love looking at the stars. Just staring for a while. Knowing that at that same moment there are a million other people doing the same thing, yet wondering if any of them are thinking the same thing.
I think what i need is outside stimulation.
I need someone to keep.
I need someone to stay.
Regularity is the only way to achieve spontaneity.
There are approximately 1500 reasons for me to give it up, but i just can't let go. I am fighting to the death. Hanging merely by the thread that is my hope, i reach for what it is that i want the most. Though unnattainable at the current time, my prize, i know, is the sweetest thing i could even imagine.
I know none of this makes much sense to most of you. Some fall short of even coherent sentences, but it works in my head.
These jumbled thoughts and words are my innermost.
Funny i have only one thing on my mind, eh? |
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SO now it's up to you, for both of us. |
November 29th, 2004 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Wicked soundtrack - For Good.
Feeling: bewitched
Yes, i am feeling bewitched.
*twitches nose*
heh.
I suggest you all download this song. It is truly wonderful. In fact, buy the soundtrack, see the show, read the book. Guaranteed enjoyment, or your money back.
(good luck if you don't like it)
 E:Your Beauty lies
in Mystery. Captivating, mysterious and alone. Youare the girl in the little
black number that no one seems to know, the eternalmystery girl. You make it a
point to never let anyone know more about you thanyou want them to and do a
very good job of it. You're there one minute andgone the next leaving them in
wonder of who you really are. A mature and normallycalm individual, quiet and
enjoy spending many hours of the day on your own,most likely preferring night
to day . You love the dark and some may find you abit strange. You seem to be
rather distant and cold making hard for people toget close to you, though you
probably like the distance they usually keep. Youprobably wear make-up, but
concentrate more around your eyes than anything.You know the effect you have
and enjoy keeping people in wonder.
Some Things
That Represent You:
Element:
Dark, Water Animal: Panther Color:Black, Maroon, Dark
Tones Song: In The Shadows by The RasmusExpression:
Sly Smile
Gemstone:
Black Diamond Mythological Creature: Demon,Vampire Planet: Venus
Hair Color: Black Eye Color:
Garnet
Quote:
"In the shadows for all time."
Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::.. brought to you by Quizilla
Interesting, no? |
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But everything looks perfect from far away. |
November 27th, 2004 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: The Postal Service - Nothing Better.
Feeling: content
I fucking love this goddamn song.
And yes, the language was necessary.
Bitches.
Anywho.. tonight, i got to be a waitress. For five and a half hours, i did basically nothing. The smell of Indian food and old people did not make the task very enjoyable, but they were all very nice.
I made a friend at work. It was great. I didnt really know what to do when i got there, so Mike made me feel right at home. I even got a nickname. Heh Heh.
And . . . I made 61 dollars.
Alas, the Thanksgiving holiday is nearly over, and i have accomplished nothing.
Sure, i made a few bucks, and well..lost contact with a few people. And yes, i am sad about that, but at the same time. . . whats the point? I dunno... im not much up for talking about it.
Heh, my Liney slept here last night. It was great. We talked about EVERYTHING. I have missed her terribly and im glad we're getting closer again. We helped eachother out "relationship"-wise. And thats cool.
And i just realized how much i am babbling, so im gonna stop now.
And that's all i have to say about that. |
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Oh, i get lost in the thought of losing you. |
November 25th, 2004 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Mae - This time is the last time
Feeling: empowered
Dont fake yourself into ever thinking about yesterday.
Today was thanksgiving. It was lovely to spend time with the family. I have missed them terribly as of late, and they kept me in stitches all day.
I have been making more money lately, doing things like babysitting, tutoring, hookering... they all pay well, and some tasks can be quite enjoyable.
Saturday night, i get to be a waitress. Not exactly my idea of a great Saturay night, but hey... 10 bucks an hour? I'll deal with it.
Well, not everything is just peachy, but i dont much care.
Or at least, I'm pretending not to.
I thought it would be okay, but it has to be a mutual thing. Im not going to make a fool of myself anymore by throwing myself at you (as | | |