I feel like I have to pee, but through my eyes

289 hit(s) (2 comments) | [click this]  
morbid and persistent thoughts

I get antsy when I think about the fact that I have not yet contribute anything to society or the world at large. It stings more and more the older I get. #27 #27club

623 hit(s) (0 comments) | [click this]  

I do not want to submit to this capitalism

But I do and do and do

Social capitalism, socialist capitalism, exile and ostracism

You are standing at a railway switch on a platform. A train is coming. It is quickly approaching five people standing on the track. As you realize that you can divert the train, a person falls on the other track. The train will certainly kill anyone it hits. Do you pull the switch?

You are standing at a railway switch on a platform. A train is coming. It is quickly approaching five people. They will each lose a toe, and could die. If you pull the switch, a person on the other platform will lose two arms, and you aren't sure if they'll survive. Do you pull the switch?


The five people are children, the one person is elderly.


The five people are all fat.


The one person is an infant.


The one person is disabled.


The five people are republicans.


The one person is your mother.


The five people are on your daughter's soccer team.


It is illegal to use a railway switch without being licensed and employed by the railroad.


You are one of the five.


It's now 5 vs 10 people (5 with using the switch). You are one of the five.


The one is you.

The one is you.

The one is you.

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in this context, this particular one and some that are mildly qualitatively different,


uncertainty is the most terrifying of fears

235 hit(s) (1 comments) | [click this]  
I've Never Met an Ellen I Didn't Like


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How can you crave a drug you've never tried?
Listening to: Heroin - Velvet Underground &/or Nico

I lie awake nights thinking of an injection directly to my spine that numbs my pain and creates euphoric oblivion.

154 hit(s) (0 comments) | [click this]  

Maaaaaajor trigger warning for rape, sexual assault, and child molestation.








Sex Acts That Were Imposed Upon Me Without Consent The First Time I Experienced Them:

- Kissing

- Dry Humping

- French Kissing/Making Out

- Giving Manual Sex (Handjob)

- Giving Oral Sex (Blowjob)

- Receiving Manual Clitoral Stimulation 

- Receiving Oral Sex

- Receiving Manual Vaginal Penetration

- Receiving Oral Nipple Stimulation

- Receiving Tool-Assisted (Vibrator) Clitoral Stimulation

- Receiving Foreign Objects Into Vagina

- Receiving Anal Penetration By A Penis

- My First Orgasm





Sex Acts I Actively Consented To The First Time I Experienced Them:

- PIV Sex



So case anyone was wondering, that's probably why I enjoy PIV Sex not leading to my orgasm the best out of all the kinds of sex.

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Rambling nonsense

It's the turnaround of the turnaround that I thought the turnaround was.




Energy increase is irregular, but energy decrease is regular.




"My pizza guy looked like a hotter Wayne from Wayne's World."

211 hit(s) (0 comments) | [click this]  
Social normz
Listening to: Eels

Today during a training at work I had a surreal moment.


There were four people in the room, sitting on couches around a small coffee table laden with snacks. It was, basically, a pretty informal setting.


Getting comfortable, I noticed that the best way to sit on the old and awkward couch was with my feet tucked up under me.


Then I realized it's rude to put your shoes on the furniture. So I decided to take them off. 


Then I realized it's probably rude to take your shoes off during a work meeting, even if it's pretty informal as work meetings go.


So I asked if everyone was comfortable with me taking off my shoes.


One person seemed pretty uncomfortable with the idea, and said the same.


I explained my reasoning and she relaxed a little, but probably still didn't want me to take my shoes off. I just said I'd go ahead and not put my feet on the couch. Even though it was less comfortable that way. I didn't say that last part.


Anyway, a few minutes later I noticed she was wearing flip-flops. I could basically see her whole naked feet. Even if I had taken my shoes off, my feet would have been completely covered by my socks.


So clearly foot nudity level wasn't the issue. What was? I certainly don't know. 


tl;dr social conventions make no fucking sense.



237 hit(s) (0 comments) | [click this]  
Childhood Trauma Blues
Listening to: Eels
Feeling: frustrated

Child abuse has been foremost on my mind lately. Namely, how utterly fucked up I am from it.


I want to become a specialist in child abuse. Advocacy, teacher intervention, and counseling with adolescent and adult survivors.  I want to educate people on the subject. I want to write memoirs, and self-help guides, and academic works on the subject, and perhaps most of all, fiction that kids and teens can read and know that they are not alone.


I have recently learned (a little - basically the Wikipedia version) about complex ptsd. It's not like typical ptsd. It's a totally different diagnosis, stemming from chronic trauma, and can present without full-on flashbacks.



So.... Yeah. I totally have that.


I noticed the other day that I was having kind of emotional flashbacks. I often get completely emotionally overwhelmed at the thought of ding housework. Cleaning house was a huge issue for me in my childhood. I didn't pick up on it as quickly as reading or math, and my grandma didn't have any patience to teach me. But she had plenty of energy for punishment. If it wasn't perfect, if it wasn't done exactly right or exactly on time, I was in for a session of severe abuse.


Flash forward to the present day: I am an absolute perfectionist. If I cannot be absolutely certain that I can complete a task perfectly, and (this is important) without interruption, I will not begin it at all. I focus in on absurdly small details. I can spend hours cleaning the refrigerator. I use up every bit of energy in my body. By the end, I am frothing at the mouth from dehydration. And very little has gotten done. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. I can only do this once a month or so.


It is impossible for me to keep up with the messiness of everyday life.


My social skills, too, have suffered. I confuse deference with politeness. I wait and wait and wait on people. I don't express opinions unless someone has already expressed that opinion to a favorable response. I appear to be a follower or a parrot.


I am so afraid that people will reject me, that I lead them to do so. It is also exhausting. I have lost so many friends. It hurts to make more as I try to improve my social skills. It hurts because I know there is a chance that I will lose the next batch, too. It greatly discourages progress and practice.


That's another thing. I don't like doing anything I am not already good at. I have never been exposed to patient, encouraging tutelage. I don't even know how to take encouragement.



268 hit(s) (0 comments) | [click this]  
Listening to: sounds like Tori Amos kinda

No one at all shows up to my birthday party, I look like an asshole taking up a whole 8-person booth for six hours with dwindling, bittering, stubbornly undying hope that someone, anyone out there actually wants to spend time with me.

258 hit(s) (3 comments) | [click this]  

Entry List
morbid and persistent thoughts
I've Never Met an Ellen I...
How can you crave a drug...
Rambling nonsense
Social normz
Childhood Trauma Blues
A funny thing
Goals to achieve before ten...
Coming out letter
I swear, it was beautiful
Detaching from Reality
Growth, so-called maturity,...
Amanda Palmer and Windstorms
Slow-Wave Sleep
Jingle Jangle
The Road
Emails, Blogs, Ephemera.
Insomnia, Nausea, Head Trauma
It seems like every time
It seems like every time
The Best And Worst Night of...
Insomnia Time
too tired to think of one.
Sweet dreams and flying...
Thank God it's Memorial Friday
Getting Back In Touch...
My dead end
Keep it to yourself
Boo, Hiss
I want to cry
Still Anxious
Remind me to recommend this
No-go on the cloves :(
I can't take this.
Whee, Killswitch...
It helps me breathe when I...
No more faith in humanity
Horus the Chorus
mommy's alright, daddy's...
Figured I might as well post...
I feel unwanted.
notes to self
fuuuuuuck (lunchtime)
Mmm, Disturbed
Hi Joey...........or whoever
This time I think it could be...
funny how you return to old...
Notes to Self
Decade Day.
Tears from Australia
pencil erasers and football...
*clears throat*
Fizzy Love
Tell Me This Is All...
Re: Katrinam
I'd thought... but only a...
It seems that way, doesn't it?
No One Understands
More love for the school...
Tired Ramble
Haha, yey
Soulmate Inquiries
Old Scars Still Bleed??
Impaled by sense
End Transmission
pathetic whimpering quiz
my response to the anonymous...
Spiritual Night
Boys Make Me Feel Good About...
I know you all have it
Show me what this life is all...
Eight Days Gone Is Good
Won't you dance with me?
Thought I'd something more to...
I had a thought but then I...
I'm only gonna say this...
Embarking on another...
Nolan = Cute Boy ^_^ (but...
Yeah. Emo Rant Time.
I've been upgraded
A Story I made up talking to...
Still emo after all these...
I'm Reposting A Quiz
I hate everyone
Parents, Police, and other...
Eventful Sunday
Let's Play Master And Servant...
Boys Are Cute but Girls are...
filler entry
Oh Shit, Perhaps?
My Two Cents You'll Never Get
I am Stalker Girl
Blind Date
All my anger, all my pain,...
Pathetic am I?
private entry...
Private entry...
Drowning in my shit
Empty throat lump
lost verbal ability
Well then
I miss my watch
Nintendo Fusion tour rocks.
Dannie is a Sexie Pixie
Another day could never be as...
Two Important Things
Fuckin' A
actual diary entry unlike...
No Smoking.
Watching the Milk get Warm
Teens - this is a call to...
I'm losing substance...
Some things I can't explain...
A lot has happened in the...
Quiz, part 2
Vague but true
I post lyrics, for once
A World Shaded In Dark Blue
Felt Like Updating...
Secrets in my garden shed...
No One Cares
Mushy boyfriend bs session
My new diary...
See top left
For Jacqueline (1807)
Hurt By The Cold
Sleep Deprivation
Back To Old Defaults
Birthday Party
Quest to find inner peace...
As if my own problems weren't...
Alone and Overburdened
I love how these things just...
Holy Inspiration.
Was going to post a quiz, but...
The Way I Write
I hate what I am
Night Time
Quiz Type Thing
My Clicker Isn't Working
Poem, Draft # 326
My Poetry
Nooses, knives, and other...
My Own Fault
New Layout...
Can't Wait to Die
32 is the evil number
Cut Off
Hellish Night
I spell knife knofe.
My Shoulder Itches
I don't update enough
Last few days...
What the Hell?!
Purely A Quote
221 post(s)