I finally met a boy that wasn't any of the a fore mentioned ones. He was a friend of a friends. I met him one night when I was with my friend and I started to talk to him and get to know him. I found out he has a son and his name is the same as my own son's all but one letter. We're the same sign. He was cute, funny and adored my son. Very important things but I didn't really look at him that way. But I start seeing him for a couple consecutive days and he calls my friend one day after we left there and he tells her that he thinks I'm cute and wants to get to know me. She shares this information with me and I'm flattered but instantly walls up, insecurities out. I think of all the things that could go wrong and try to plan things ahead of time in my head of any possible outcome. When I next see this boy I'm so afraid that I'll get fucked over as I did in every past relationship that I get painfully shy which is the opposite of the person that he met two days before. He tells me and my friend atleast 11 times for me to call him, I never do. Fearing that it'll be awkward or I'll say something dumb. This is my first crush for lack of a better word since I broke up with my ex two weeks after I found out I was pregnant. That was over a year ago. Anyways, I don't call. He calls me once I answer it and it's a dial tone and it was after 11 at night. So I don't call back. I see him the next day and right before I leave he gives me the best, longest hug goodbye and a kiss on the forehead. I was really happy.

The next day my friend goes there in the morning with her other friend (who is sort of my friend may I add. We hang out with all the same people) with her this time since it was early in the day. They get there and my friend works third shift and she was fresh out of work so she takes a nap on the couch leaving the mutual friend alone with the boy. He goes on to like grope her and put her hands in his pants etc. etc. Mind you, a. he has never done ANYTHING remotely like this to me and b. she has no idea that he is interested in me. She's just about the only one he talked to his mom, step dad, step sisters and his brother about me and had all of them convincing me he's such a good guy yadda yadddaaa. But anyways, they come to my house after it happens my friend and mutual friend and they tell me what happened. I'm mad and hurt but I have a hard time showing others that I'm hurt so I just run my mouth about the boy and say that it's okay because she doesn't know and I don't hate her which was something that she was very worried about I guess. She took my anger as a big OK to go ahead and fuck him, visit him every day and basically form a relationship with him.

So here I am. Left hurt, thinking I got played, feeling super vulnerable, and weary of all boys. What if my son was older and had gotten attached to this man what would happen then? Why is it so fucking hard for me to form a functional relationship? Why am I so scared? I can't tell him how I feel, I can't tell a boy that I'm in love with how I feel. What the fuck. I need help what do I do.

FML.

I had my wisdom teeth pulled and the percocet they gave me makes me all itchy. And it makes me nervous to take it around my son. I mean it is a miniscule dose but it does effect me slightly.

I love my son. More than anyone else in the whole world. I might actually be happy that his father is a douche bag. I don't even have to share him. That's horribly selfish, I know. But that's not the only reason I'm happy. I can raise him the way that I would like to. I don't have to worry about him being around negative influences until he's older because I am his only influence. He;ll only know one set of rules. If I do get a boyfriend in the future he'll just get to have a beneficial relationship with him because that man won't be able to tell him what to do or anything.

To be totally honest, I wish he had a father more than anything. I begged and pleaded to get back with that asshole after we broke up just so that he would have a father. But now I realize that no father is better than him as a father. He's actually going to jail for like a year next month. He got into a fight when he was drunk...he's always drunk. I love my son wayyy to much to subject him to that. I'm broke and have no income source what so ever. I went to the state to get help and they told me I could get $470 a month (doesn't sound like much but I honestly have NO bills. I live with my family, I don't drive yet and when I do my insurance is covered, no rent, nothing. I would have just banked that.) but I refused it because the only way that would happen would be if I named him and then he would get rights and potentially custody and that's terribly risky.

Well, I'm gonna go ice my face and rub my son's fuzzy head.

Okay, so I wrote this letter I really long time ago but it pretty much exactly explains how I feel. I think it's pretty redundant because of my previous posts I just really like how this sounds all put together like this.

I seem as though I'm obsessed. I don't want to be. I try not to be. I don't know another word to describe how I feel though....

Dear _____,

You were never supposed to mean this much to me everrr. It all started out as nothing. And it looked as though it was gonna stay that way for a while. I mean I remember

the first time I ever even talked to you. It was so fucking long ago and even then everything just worked out between us. And I mean yeah, I liked you and shit but it was

middle school I thought that'd be it. And then we didn't talk for mad long after that. When you went to tech you started talking to my best friend and I started to like you again but me and you didn't really talk then either and even if we did I never thought anything of it and when I started dating Andrew you would talk hellllla shit all the time and that was really the only time I ever really had contact with you until that summer and I don't even remember how it started but we started talking alot and I liked you and shit and then we started hanging out and one thing lead to another and well you know how it went lol. And I fell for you, hard. Because you were the first boy that I had talked to or done anything with since Andrew. I don't know why I did because I knew you didn't feel the same way I mean you had a fucking girlfriend. I still can't believe I was that dumb to stay there and let you tell me all this shit about you leaving her and liking me but never do anything about it and then once you did break up with her I finally thought this was gonna be it, it was gonna be me and you. And you said next time we hang out I'm gonna ask you out and you never did. It hurt me alot to be honest with you. When I

went to tell you how I felt you just called me emo. That was pretty much how you dealt with everything everytime you fucked me over and I got upset that's what you'd tell me

but then you'd do the cute things. You said the cutest shit to me all the fucking time and you made me laugh I think that's what did it. And you knew that's all you had to do

to make me forget about the bad shit that's all you needed to convince me that you really did like me even though you didn't. I don't get it. Why did I fall for it and stay? Every

one told me to leave your stupid ass that you were just fucking me and you didn't mean anything but I believed you I wanted to so badly. I think I loved you, I honestly do.

Remember when we used to do the video IM's? And when you used to go on my myspace every day to see if anything changed? Or when you did all those survey things I posted, I still have those. Remember right before I went to New Hampshire and I didn't wanna leave I just wanted to spend the whole week with you and how much we talked when I was up there. I miss that. But you changed alot. After that you stopped doing the cute things and we didn't really talk on the phone unless we were planning to hang out the next day. And even that changed though. I mean we still did the same shit but it wasn't the same. Before we would chill and do our thing and then you'd still hold me and kiss me and wanna be close to me. But towards the end you'd just do me and then go and sit on the opposite side of the room. I don't get it. I really don't and even still now knowing that it's not the same I still miss it. I miss you. I miss everything that we had. Ugh I just miss it and I want it to be the same. I think I love you and I wish you even cared about me at all. Oh yeah and about that. After I told you I never wanted to talk to you again and you knew that I didn't mean it and that I would talk to you if you came back to me you waited and didn't say anything and then outta no where one day you IM'd me and asked me if we were still not on talking terms. You should have seen my face ______. I was fucking ecstatic and then we bullshitted but that was the last time that I talked to you. But you came back to me. You IM'd me to see if we were still not on talking terms because it meant something to you and it bothered you that we didn't talk. But obv. not enough to keep talking to me. So I don't get it. I don't get you.

But it is what it is right. And I should just be thankful for the times that we had right? I am. I really am and I wish there was a way to go back to that. Who knows maybe we'll

meet up later on. Remember when I wanted you to buy me a sidekick and you told me that you don't have money for that and then you told me about the money you're getting from your father's death when you turn 25 and you're gonna buy a really nice car and live in it because you'll be broke and I told you that I won't know you when you're 25 and you told me that you promised I would? Maybe you'll be right. We'll just have to see....till then I guess.

Sincerely, ________.

Tonight is not a good night. I'm absolutely exhausted and as I was going to bed he IM'd me. Which is not a bad thing but my friend IM'd me too who dated him way before I did and I asked her if she had talked to him because one night we were talking and she mentioned that she was going to try and talk to him, but she said that they talk alot and he's soooo nice to her and they talk about old times all the time. That made me jealous. And I talk to him more now that he lives far, far away then I have in over a year. And he's obviously not mean to me lol. But it's just small talk. Like we don't know what to talk about. I never IM him either. I always see that he's on and just wait and surer than shit he always IM's me. Why does this kid make me so crazyyy? Anyone else I would never care. I mean this girl I'm friends with is dating my ex before the one that got me pregnant and we're still friends. I couldn't give a shit less. Why is it any different with him? I didn't even date him. I don't fucking get it. And I really don't want to be like this. I know it's crazy and unattractive but I can't fucking help it.

I wish there was a way to forget him.. I googled it. And one response was to find something else to throw your heart into. I have that, my son. But still it's there. They also said to find someone else to be with. I've done that numerous times since talking to him, still nothing. I fucking hate this.

Think hypno-therapy will work?

My little man is 3 months old and he is the cutest little baby I have ever laid eyes on. He makes my day, everyday.

I'm very glad I don't have to share him with anyone or worry about parenting complexities because I am the sole parent. His father is a total dirtbag. Actual, I just found a letter I wrote to him when I broke up with him last year when I was pregnant. (Note: he is none of the afore mentioned boys.)

Dear ______,

I don't even know what to say to you anymore. Who I am trying to kid? I've never know what to say to you. I don't understand you as a person. I'm going to be giving birth to your child and we barely speak, in fear of you pissing off your new girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty glad we don't talk. You've brought me nothing but trouble but that's beside the point. What goes through your head? Do you really understand that the chance of me wanting to get back with you as soon as the baby gets here is going to be gone? Actually, it already is gone. You're not one for me to be in a relationship with. You have nothing to offer. No ambitions, no goals, nothing. You're over 20 years old and what do you have to show for it? A pregnant 17 year old you don't hardly talk to. Don't you want more for yourself? To not live/off your mommy anymore. I'm already planning on moving out after the baby gets older. To be on my own to start an actual life with a job and someone I care about. I didn't have that love for you. I'm sorry, but I honestly didn't. I loved what being with you offered me. The ability to truely and honestly do whatever the fuck I wanted with no consequences. But who wants to live like that forever? That's not reality. I'm glad I have responsibilities now and ALOT more on the way. Don't worry I won't force them upon you. You're not ready to be a dad. You don't even take care of yourself. How a baby? You're going to jail for god only knows how long. You have no job, no car, no house....nothing. How do you live like that? I'm really not trying to be a bitch. I'm just trying to understand. I don't know, I guess I just want you to want more for yourself. You're not a totally bad person you're just lazy. I'm hope you smarten up I really do. And stop spitting on girls that actually gave a fuck about you.

Sincerely,

Me.

That was a really long time ago. lol. My views have completely changed on him. I don't care why he does what he does and I don't give a fuck if he ever changes. He hardly crosses my mind anymore unless I'm out with the baby then I'm absolutely petrified I might see him. It's not so bad if I'm in a car. It's just in a resturant or when I'm going for a walk. If I'm inside somewhere with the baby and with out a stroller there's no way in hell I'm getting away from him. Or if I have a stroller and he's in car there's really nothing I can do then either. If he gets out of the car what can I really do. He's the type of person to just grab my baby and run. I hate him. I can't wait for him to go to jail.

Actually, I need to explain this a little more. I'm not that kind of girl that gets knocked up and then just decides one day that baby's father can't see the baby. With this dude it's a safety issue. He is an alcoholic. But when he drinks it's like flipping a switch in his head. He goes crazyyy. He thinks EVERYONE is talking shit about him. He'll fight anything that moves girl, boy..he doesn't give a shit. And once he runs out of problems he tries to start them with people just to cause a scene. He'll take anything you say to him the wrong way and won't give you a chance to explain yourself. He's the type of guys to pack up my baby in the car after a night of drinking to drive on over to the store. Or be drinking and then baby starts crying and won't stop he walks over and shakes him. So he's a total risk. And the only reason this is my baby's father is because Nuva-ring birth control doesn't work.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my son for anything in this world but I just wish I could have picked him a stable dad that could love and take care of him with me. But I guess it doesn't really matter I'm a kick ass mommy and I'll give him everything he needs...and more. =]

For everyone. I honestly do.

I don't necessarily think that they're "the one" but I do think that no matter what there's just one person you will never outgrow your feelings for.

I mean I have my boy #1, my friend has her ex-girlfriend. Even though she's with a boy now I don't think that she'll ever overcome the feelings that she had for that girl.

I think it's because someone comes along just when you need them, like fate almost, and you just fall head over heels for them and once that happens it's hard to shake the feelings that you once had for them. Even if you move on to someone else you always compare the new person to that one person and even if logically you know it would be stupid to be with that one person you always want to be in the back of your mind. It's easy to over look the hurt they've caused you and all the fucked up shit they did to you when they're standing right in front of you. If it was anyone else you would have already moved on and just forgotten.

And, it always seems that this one person will always come back to you as if you're their one person too. But if that's the case then why can't it work out? I know of two other people in similar situations with having a certain person and they've all talked on and off for long periods of time. Why can't it work if you both seem to think of eachother all the time. What's the problem?

Both me and my friend have people like this that have up and moved farr farrr away but still managed to keep in contact. In my case, more in contact now that he's far away. Why does this happen?

I mean I know why me and him can't be together he told me straight up the other day that he can't be loyal so that makes sense. But why keep in contact with me? We weren't ever really friends the onlyt thing we had going for us was that we hooked up all the time. Atleast I'm pretty sure that's all he saw me for. If that's the case though then why is he doing this now he doesn't have set plans to come back, he's pretty much got a girlfriend out here. I don't understand it. And I wish that I did.

Haha how do you feel zestyyy?

Okay, boy #1. Here's that story:

I met him in middle school like 7th grade and I thought originally he was cute but weird lol. I was looking up Behind the Paint, a book about ICP, on the computer and he was in the row of the computers and out of no where he goes I have that book at home. That was the first time I ever talked to him and then he liked me after that but I never noticed. I was really bad at that sort of thing. lol. But we ended up dating for like a week and I didn't talk to him again untill like spring time of my sophmore year. After I got out of a relationship where, at the time, I was head over heels in love with this kid. And he was a real piece of work. But that's a whole nother story. But right after I had gotten what I thought was my heart broken along came boy #1 just when I needed some one to be there for me like that. We talked on the phone non-stop and he would tell me how much he liked me and wanted to be with me..the whole nine yards. Well eventually we hung out and one thing led to another, I'm sure you can figure it out. But I found out after that he had a girlfriend and I told her what had happened because she deserved to know but she called me a liar and me and boy #1 continued to talk and hang out ALL the time. (what did I care she was dumb enough to not believe me and I really liked him). Things went on like this for a long time and during the summer I would walk like an hour to his house and we would hang out there and then we would talk on the phone all night. We did this off and on for like 2 and a half or three years. The only reason it was off and on was because he would break up with one girl and say he really liked me and wanted to date me but then he'd run out and get a new girlfriend and I would be the one to say that I couldn't do this anymore because it was killing me. But then I would realize it was much harded to not talk to him at all then to deal with what I was dealing with. I tried to convince myself that I was using him as much as he was using me because I really enjoyed what we did but I really never lost hope of something more for a long, long time. But then after a while we just stopped talking he got friends that would drive him around so he wasn't around to talk to him anymore. The last time I hung out with him was the first day of my senior year. I had planned to hang out with him again once after but something teerrrriibbbleee happened that prevented us from chilling. r.i.p.

But my issue with him is why after all the times I said that I wanted to stop talking to him why was he the one to come back and start talking to me? Did he miss me? I mean I know we slept together but he didn't really need me for that considering whenever I stopped talking to him it was when he got a new girlfriend. And why even to this day after he's moved far, far away why does he still randomly IM me? Is there something else there? I mean we can't hook-up across the country. I don't understand. Does he like me or does he not? We've talked on and off for 4 years. I'm afraid to ask him how he's feeling in fear of him getting scared and stop talking to me. I think I'm mostly afraid of him to tell me no, he doesn't love me too. I can't get this kid out of my head. No matter how hard I've tried. There he stays.

I firmly believe that there's one person you won't ever get over in your life and I feel he is my one person. I've matured and changed in just about every way. New friends, a baby, from boyfriend to boyfriend and still I can not shake this kid. I want to know why. But most of all I don't want him to not talk to me anymore.

One time we were talking about this money he was supposed to get when he turned 25 and I told him he should buy me a sidekick and he said he was going to buy a really nice car but he probably wouldn't have any where to live with no money and I said I probably wouldn't either. And he told me that I could come live in his car with him and I said I wouldn't know him when he was 25. He said yes you will. Maybe he's right...

Oh yeah, that's another thing. He's like almost a full year younger than me. I don't like boys younger than me EVER. Except for him. That's weird.

Does anyone else have a boy like this? Or ever have a boy like this?

I don't understand why when you want some one so bad you can taste it they really couldn't give a shit less for you (we'll call him boy #1). But when there's a boy you find utterly irritating he can't get enough of you (and he'll be boy #2). It's like he feels the same for me as I do for the boy I can't get out of my head and couldn't get out of my head for the past three years.

Okay, the story with boy #2. It all started my sophmore year..or well that summer after. Me and my old best friend went to a party for her boyfriend at the time in the woods. There was tents, a fire, alcohol.. your typical middle of the woods party. Anywho, me and my little friend went up there into the woods alcohol in hand. We were sharing a jug of jungle juiceee. Well we got into a silent drinking competition and ended up passed out in the tent before it was even dark out. She pissed her pants, and I was throwing up for three and a half hours but I only remember throwing up twice. When me and my friend had finally re-cooperated and joined the rest of the gang around the fire there was a drunk boy hanging all over me calling me the "hot girl". However, it being dark and all he couldn't see me. Long story short I couldn't get the kid to leave me alone all night I had several people try and tell him to stop it blah blah blahhh. Well he found me on myspace and then got my s/n and proceeded to talk to me non-stop whenever he was on the computer and right after he started talking to me he was shipped down to a more southern state for the army and everytime he came up he would come and get me and my little friend and his cousin and we would all hang out and drink things of that nature. He would tell me all the time how much he liked me and I would just say that it was sweet. lol. But after talking to me for a while he found out about boy #1. We were a bit more friendly, if you will, then I was with boy #2. He freaked out and stopped talking to me but recently he's been on my ass all the time telling me that we should have gotten together, he wishes he could come up here before he gets shipped off to Iraq etc. etc.

One time a few years ago we were in his car and I mentioned to my little friend that I liked the song that was playing and then he texted me all the lyrics downloaded it as a ringtone, and made it his call back. This kid hung on every single word I said and I never even told him that I like him or wanted to be with him. Anything of the sort. But he just can't get enough of me.

That took a while... I'll tell you the story of boy #1 next post. =]