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| Fuck it I lied...it's drum & bass... |
May 11, 2008 |
Feeling: hungover
Holey hell who let me on here drunk???
Turns out I had fun last night...could have been the sambucca that I had first thing, but lets say I ended up wasted, dancing and commiting awful acts of PDA with my boy.
I think I got over my Kim paranoia too, we had a lil drunken heartfelt chat, he and I. And now I know we love each other to death! |
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| And how the tables have turned... |
May 10, 2008 |
Feeling: drunk
I AM DRUNK...REALLY DRUNK! and in love...and the room is spinning and the computer lights is making me feel like i'm being abducted by aliens! So it's off to bed...to spin...to puke most likely and snore :/
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| Do you take the non-believers? |
May 10, 2008 |
Listening to: La Rocca -
Feeling: lethargic
I hate alcohol.
I don't really get anything from it. Yet here I am writing to you with a bottle of Smirnoff ice by my side psyching myself up for the party tonight.
Why do I need to psyche myself up? Because it's my boyfriend's friends 18th birthday, I'm going to be atleast 3 years older than anyone there, I don't know anyone there, and...the biggest factor for my worry...KIM!
I've never met this girl, yet she makes me feel more insecure and unworthy than anyone else.
Part jealousy/Part illness.
I know he used to want her...and I know that they're good friends. She texts him all the time, and when she spoke to him online the other day the first thing she said was ;)
The day before he'd seen her at work when we were walking past and the way he said "THATS KIM" like he was creaming himself, made me feel sick. So sick infact that I comfort ate for hours then thought "oh god i'm fat, he's definately gonna want her more"...then I made myself throw it all back up.
He doesn't understand that when I say don't 'mention her infront of me' it's not because i'm being mean...it's because it makes me want to starve. |
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| I know it's out of fashion... |
May 4, 2008 |
Feeling: happy
I feel nice & cheery :)
Yeah work sucked big time...but then me and Krispy came home and it was just chill from there...AND I managed to curb my spending on ebay :) GO ME!
Not looking forward to work tomorrow though. Bank holiday mayhem and i'm totally getting skanked because we get paid double time but they've cut down my CONTRACTED 40 hours a week to 28 so I won't actually get a bigger wage at all! FUCKING SKANKY BASTARDS!
:) oh well...suck it up!
ps/ my dad's totally having an affair with Lowvee so I might get to live the American dream after all!
xxx |
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| If losing ones mind...there is NO standard solution! |
May 1, 2008 |
Feeling: upset
SUNDAY: It was the first night I was going to be alone at night in weeks, Kris had to work.
I was fine, even cheery, but as soon as one stupid thought popped into my head at about 10.45pm the rest of the night was screwed. I kept thinking I saw a man looking around my door at me...so real. I was crying down the phone to Kris. Too scared to get up to get my mum, so I screamed and screamed at her to come.
And she did, she stayed in my bed all night so that I could sleep.
I am nearly 21 years of age. |
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| Take a look at my girlfriend... |
April 26, 2008 |
Feeling: frustrated
The most irritating noise I can hear right now is like a pulsing right inside my ear. It's driving me insane! Kris' mum says it might be an infection, but i'd already convinced myself that a bug had taken up residence there...laying it's eggs inside of me...urgh!!!
I've got to go back to work on monday, after having my week long sick leave. Painful.
I don't think i'm ready to face that place again but I don't have much of a choice, i'm just gonna have to suck it up and try not to lose it.
I think i'm going to paint my nails...maybe pink. |
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| Here it comes again... |
April 25, 2008 |
Listening to: If you want blood (you got it) - AC/DC
Feeling: accomplished
Today...is a day of possibility!
I have finally begun my application for university! I just need to complete my personal statement and get a reference from my old college tutor and I'm on my way =)
Fingers crossed I'll get an exception, i've applied for english courses at Northumbria, Sheffield Hallam, Leeds Met and York St. John's.
YAY!!!
So what's new world?
x |
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| This is me losing it... |
April 23, 2008 |
Listening to: Blankest year - Nada Surf
Feeling: burned-out
This is me losing it...I AM LOSING ALL OF MY SHIT!!!
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| Your skin, your voice |
April 22, 2008 |
Listening to: Kate Bush - 'Army Dreamers' & 'Running up that hill'
Feeling: unappreciated
"You're skin oh yeah you're skin and bones,
Turn it into something beautiful"
It could be a combination of these factors:
1. The Chemicals
2. The Heat
3. The Dancing
4. The Starvation
5. The Will-Power
which has gotten me so skinny! But I doubt that the pounds will hold off for long! Will power is not a long-standing friend of mine.
"What could he do, should've been a rockstar,
But he didn't have the money for a guitar"
It's petty really...it shouldn't matter, because it doesn't really make much difference...
I can sing, I know I can and I try so hard. I sing real loud and it's just like every other scene in this life...I'M SCREAMING AND THEIR NOT LISTENING.
I don't get recognised for the stuff that I do. Nobody tells me I'm good at this or that. No-one says thanks for all the time and work I do at my job :/ I don't get thanked, I don't get praised, I don't get heard, I don't get anything. I am a shell because nobody's putting any effort into me the way I do into them.
"It doesn't hurt me,
do you wanna feel how it feels.
Do you know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
...And if I only could, I'd make a deal with God and get
him to swap our places. Be runnin' up that road, be runnin' up that hill..."
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| There is no modern romance... |
April 21, 2008 |
Listening to: T.V on the radio -
Feeling: lovely
Well my disapointment for the other night can barely be contained!!! I must have over done it? What with quitting cigarettes and the withdrawl from my medication with an added burst of mdma, my poor body was kicking out against me.
We got the bus to Leeds, went to the pub for a quick drink...Ibby (who's BIRTHDAY it was) ditched without telling us (turns out he'd gone to far too.) and ended up back and Chris and Jonny's parents house.
We trekked up to the West Indian Centre for 'SUBDUB', which is a 10pm-6am Drum 'n' bass/ Dub-step PARTY. It's also in rude boi/ gun toting central!
It was cool till I couldn't focus anymore. It gets so damn hot in that place and it's rammed !
I think I got a bad batch cos I was bare sick all night :/
It was all cool when we got back to C'n'J's cos I chilled on the sofa in the conservatory, till 6:30am when Boona and this weird guy came to get us. Then we went to B's and spent the rest of the day there. I liked that bit. I made the fire burn all day long...I didn't smoke but I had a few cheeky bombs and lines for the road.
It wasn't worth the amount I spent on it all!
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