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the morning after the night before |
September 20th, 2008 @ 9:24am |
Listening to: Hands held high - linkin park
So I've always thought the morning after wasn't supposed to feel like this
The morning after is supposed to be a good feeling
The night before felt great
Amazing, Free, Happy, Me
Everything I always want
But this morning isn't the mornings where I remember
Cause last night wasn't drinking to forget
Last night was just drinking
But this morning I remembered sooo much more then ever before
I dreamed about his car
The crash
That night
It played over and over again 100 times
Just as clear as that night almost 4 years ago
It was terrifying
The more I tried to wake up
The more it hurt
I woke up in a cold sweat screaming
Scared the shit out of my parents
Their worried now
Last time I did that was October 11, 2004
That was when S started to see "someone"
Now they think I should go back
Some thing triggered it
Some thing someone said or did
It's never happened like that
Usually I get restless around his birthday
and the anniversary
But never just out of the blue like
And never to that extent
I was literally screaming
Mom said I screamed out
"Please Scott come back don't leave me"
I was in hysterics
Something is wrong
I think I have a problem
I know I have a problem
Drinking every weekend to forget all the pain
Forget about Scott
Forget about Dillan
Now Jay leaving to arizona
Before I used to use drugs
That's how I subdued the pain
Now I'm drinking
Not sure which is worse
Not sure which is better
Their both expensive
They both kill the pain
If only for the night
They both make me feel like shit the morning after
I wish I could forget it all
There are LOTS of good memories
I know that
But this past year it feels like
All I can remember are the bad ones
All I can remember is the car
And seeing him laying in the pine box
Lifeless
I keep telling my self that's not how to remember him
But I cant get it out of my head
Then I think about Dillan
Laying in the hospital bed
With no light in his eyes
No sparkle in his smile
He looked so tired and almost gone
It hurt so much when he died
Almost as much as when Scott died
It was different tho
With Scott it was such a sudden thing that I was lost
With Dillan we knew it would happen
But it still hurt soooooo fucking badly
Losing them has consumed me
I just I just don't wanna get the help
I'm afraid to admit to my parents
I'm afraid to tell them just how weak I am
4 fucking years and I still haven't even STARTED to get over it
Some days I tell my self that hes not gone
That hes still here
Just on vacation
4 fucking years and I still don't wanna believe it
I can't tell them that
I can't tell my family that I'm still having problems
Their all getting along fine
They think I am too
And I would like to keep it that way
I just wish things were easier to deal with
I wish I still had someone to turn to
People just don't get it
x Kristna |
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new stuff...sorta |
September 7th, 2008 @ 9:10pm |
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heres some new stuff and some old stuff...just some favorites....
Gone - Jan 22/07
Thoughts of yesterday
creep upon my shallow heat
Why did you leave me?
Where did you go?
Was it something I did
or something I said
or was it more simple
an accident
your time to go
20 years young, and gone
tragedy too you from me
nothing will bring you back
2 year pass and still...
IT FUCKING HURTS
not as much as it did then...but still
The Days - Jan 26/07
today was a day
not like yesterday or any other
it was like the days 2 years ago
the where i refused to move
refused to speak
the days where i felt that a smile would kill me
when i wouldn't sleep cause you haunted my dreams
when all i did was lay in bed and cry
the days were i would pray this was all a dream
i don't know why i still have those day
why i lay awake at night
crying
wishing you would come back
the days where i give it all up just see you again..
TODAY - July 13/08
Today...today was a bad day
Worse then all my other bad days
I awoke with that feeling
The old one...where I don't remember
I don't remember the night before
I don't remember his name
How did i get here?
What happened?
All the same questions race through my mind
I'd blame it on the vodka
But lets not kid our self's
1, 2, 3....10 shots its my choice
I never thought this would happen again
I've prided the years on being better then this
its irresistable
the lure of just forgetting everything
Forgetting Him
Forgetting all of them
Forgetting your gone
and now here I sit
Remembering all of it...
you being gone hits me the hardest
just like every other time
and then the vicious circle starts again...
Remember....Drink to Forget....Remember again
me like you like?????
-LO |
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Great Big Mistake |
August 13th, 2008 @ 8:11pm |
Listening to: old school - hedley
Feeling: cheated
ok so i've been thinking alot lately about me and jayme realtionship....
decided it was biggest mistake of my life, felt like i wasted 19 months of my life doing nothing:P
but i dont regret it cause it helped me realize that i keep settling...and i need to stop.
i make this vow now and forever... I will NEVER AGAIN settle for a guy, i will look for the good one the one i want, the one who will make me truely happy.
speaking of happy Jacob called me last night, out of no where was driving home from picking up new car (08 civic red sexy) we chatted. let me know that he is FORSURE going to be here for dawson trail days social, am VERY excited at this. have decided that i need hot guy at dawson trail days, must make jayme jelous and need someone to be my friend while everyone is off with jayme. since he will be there and we share the same friends its kinda inevitable. and just think now with jake comming will have not only 1 but 2 cute guys to make jayme jelous. ryan said he will make jayme jelous for me....which is good jayme HATES ryan!!! works in my favour that we dated before i dated jayme.
now to a completely different topic......
have discovered i am VERY high maintence like more so then normal people. i have princess complex, is good and bad thing all at once. also have very expensive taste brand names, designer names, i refuse to buy cloths from walmart, im too good for it....not taht i openly admit it but yea im too good for shit like that. i have respect for my self and i need a man who can afford me.....which so far all i've found is Jays and hes a no no. cant date a guy whos like a brother to me, just WAY too awkward.
also have very high standards so far....not alot of men who meet said standards...not even close.
not much else to report....yea
--LO-- |
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super crazy fun high weekend |
July 23rd, 2008 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: New Kids On The Block - Step By Step
So last weekend was a great one, I'm talking like one for the record books, spent the whole weekend with Chelsea K.
First off on Friday i went to her place after she was off work, and we sat and talked, were totally gossip girls for a good 2 hours and then we decided to crack open the rum (polished off the bottle) and at around 1:00am we decided we wanted to get high like REALLY BAD!!!! and we must have called like every single dealer we know, like 30 people and got nothing. finally after a while we found Jamie her co-worker, we went to his place smoked a bowl, smoked a joint, had the last drink of the Bacardi and took a cab home.....yea we kinda used him for his free weed. and to make things even better he gave chel a gram to take home and didn't ask for anything, super awesome!!!!!! we got home and pretty much crashed in her bed which is SUPER COMFY!!!!! like for reals.
woke up on Saturday around 10:30 when her sister called to say she was out side the appt. and then Carly came over, shes on of chels friends/almost family. the 4 of us were gonna go to the beach but we ended up sitting around all after noon talking and playing games like "expose all your deep dark secrets" it was good times. then LJ came over at around 2:00pm cause he was sposed to come Friday with weed but he worked too late, so he came Saturday with 1/2 an ounce of weed, and man was it good.
we started smoked at 5:00pm and didn't stop for 6 hours it was nuts!! (chel, me n LJ were the only ones smoking) any who we cracked out the booze and decided to play a nice game of fuck you, after the booze ran out me chel and LJ decided that instead of drinks we would do hits front the bong, wow was i ever fucked up, it was awesome greatest feeling ever, chel though she was gonna die. it was a great night!!!
Sunday morning me and chel woke up feeling TOTALLY AMAZING! and then we went to the mall cause ash chels sister stole her work shoes the night before when we were burnin out and in chels room. and then we went to LJ's appt and smoked a Lil and then we went swimming in the pool, wow awesome feeling good time, i had soo much fun just letting loose for once.
I missed how much fun i used to have before i was with Jayme, things like last weekend used to happen all the time, i gave up so much for him and made my self a miserable bitch. its nice to be again and have friends who will accept that (Jayme is freaking that me and LJ hung out since LJ is like his BEST FRIEND!)
and on a side not i get to see Jacob on Friday. Me, Chel, and Dave are going out to steinbach cause hes gonna be there for work and were gonna go out to the bar. I'm stoked cause Jacob is soo friggen cute and awesome and easy to talk with!! and i kinda liked him when i met him back in February but i was with Jayme so i decided to be a good girl and stay away, but im single now and yea you can imagine the rest.
by the way LC if you read this dont be mad at me for getting high, i just wanted to do all the things i used to do before Jayme. its not gonna get worse, and im not slipping back to the way things were, no fears im in a good place, no sad stuff here!!!
LOVE LO!! |
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A Whole New Life |
July 17th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: the TV
Feeling: happy
Alot has changed in my life since last i wrote
i've broke up with jayme and im happy i wasnt for a really long time.
i've got a new job at a roofing company and i love it.
i've got some of old friends back, freidn i sorta pushed to the side when i was with jayme
Like B, WEre friends again and I LOVE it, hes my go to guy, my everything. nikki thinks were written in the starts i think were just REALLY good friends.
Jays is talking to me again, i kinda let hima nd ty go, cause jayme didnt like them, im glad their back i missed them alot
and most recently theres LC, i did a really bitch thing to her which i feel super bad about, but im glad shes back and im glad we canstart to rebuild things.
i dont have alot to say right now i'll wright more later
-K |
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