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August 13th, 2008 @ 3:50pm |
Listening to: Muzak
Feeling: nostalgic
I have figured something out....
Simplicity is Elegance.
Life doesnt need to be elaborate to have flavor.
I mean, sometimes water can be the best damned thing you have ever tasted.
And maybe love, too, is best served simple.
A simple courtship, a simple first date, all to yeild to the not-so-simple expression of our emotions.
Then again, simplicity could eventually become too little.
-Jack B. Nimble |
| 291 hit(s) |
(5 comments) |
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A story elected by passion |
March 15th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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A cold rain hits the ground, it's a busy town layout. It doesn't matter where, from my experience every city is the same after a while. Shuffled feet kick the rain on the ground, everybody rushing to get out of the rain that's already done it's worst. But there's those fragile few, those undeniably insane few that walk slowly, drinking in the atmosphere and feeling replenished. There could be many names for them but I know only one: Lovers. But not in the average sense.
These are the souls that float free from the chains life would have them bear. Even though they try they never quite grasp the reality of college and work that others might. So each attempt to flesh out a piece of this American pie has resulted in undue stress and unnecessary disappointment. Simply put, it's because that's not what they were meant for. They were meant to be the support crew for all of those less fortunate and more. These are the martyrs you've always meant to thank but never had the time, the good guys you hoped wouldn't finish last (but always knew would). Those that would have you sit up the watch the sunrise for no other reason than you hadn't before. These are the lovers.
And as they walk through the rain they think not of a cold running down their spine, or that annoying squeak your shoes make when water finally breaches their canvas hull. They focus on the upper, the clouds in the sky pouring their own hearts on the ground. Because it was never thinking about themselves that made them so happy: it was the focus on others. Which is, you may have been asking (or may knot), why they found it so easy to sacrifice.
It was a month in 2007 when I found out that, wanting forever to be simply he who would tell their tale, I was to find out that I was a lover. I guess I'd always known in the same way we always knew our parents were our parents, or that the sky was blue. We came upon it once and never questioned it again. I had recently been exploring what was possible the best executed year of my life, having the excellence of the semester five way to the flurried passion of the summer. And it was at a party that I ran into old friends and new. And the girl who might help me learn to be this man of warmth.
That night there were more men than women in the room (mathematically speaking it shouldn't be, yet is always, the case) and each group of vultures with their white polo feathers had marked an idea. An inkling. And as much as I loved them I couldn't help but sneer at my two best friends as they locked eyes with me, all three thinking of the same girl. But that night, of course, could only go to one. And that wasn't me. But this girl chose my friend Aaron, with whom she shared a three hour conversation, great by any standards, a two dates and one awkward kiss. It would turn out, though, that as the new school semester began that our social circles were more than brushing: they had lapsed into one.
It was at this point that she began changing as a person, for better, and her attention was turned to another of my friends whom she was infatuated with and who had also been in the battle arena since that first night, Evan. But it was no matter because her and I had started to bond. As friends, or maybe a little more, we were definitely connecting. As her changes progressed there was a warm breeze blowing across the shell I'd erected years prior, but all the while just backdraft from the gale forced attention she'd been giving Evan. Still, by some stroke of fate he was one of the few people I knew that would not bend to her affection. Not because of lack of interest but because of a different point of reference in essentially all of life. I know, that's a pretty big gap to leap and she tried, she feel, and then she rose on her own two feet.
She swore off love for sometimes, becoming plagued by the thought of possibly never finding the one true love she's always wanted. Would she be alone forever? No, I told her, everyone has someone (I of course giving her answers to the same questions I was beginning to ponder). So for months there was this mutual affection, the Harry and Sally greatness that I'm convinced doesn't come along for no reason at all. And then something horrible started happening: I began to want to kiss her. Not since that first night, with the liquid courage in hand, had I wanted so terribly to kiss her. To make a move. And this began my third era. The era in which her change leads to mine.
After weeks of discussing the most personal levels of our connections, and really getting those meaty questions out of the way, we ended up where the whole of this began: a party. And after some drinks, her and Evan kissed. And words were exchanged, I've been told, that resulted in her and my arguing in front of my house. So I invited her in and we chatted, her curfew elapsed she elected to stay the night. And that night, my good reader, was my bravest moment ever: I had shattered the shell like so many baby birds, and finally without hesitation reached out for what I wanted most right then and took, without shame or fear. I kissed her. And she kissed me back. And she confessed that she'd wanted to kiss me a time before, on New Years, but it never happened ( I having perceived her affections placed on Aaron again) and I was overjoyed. And the next morning she went on her way and I smiled. I was truly, for the first time in a long time, happy. One week later we sat at the park, having laid to rest any thought of us going ahead with more than the friendship. And after we watched the sunset she stopped dead in her tracks, I turned, and she kissed me again. She's always been one for the timing.
That night, I went bowling with my guys and all the while focused not on the pins but that evening and the week before it. And when I got home I got word she'd lost an earring in my car. So I waited outside for her to come get it, she walked up (both ears perfectly adorned) and expressed a desire for more. And who was I but to oblige? (who are we kidding I was ecstatic). We kissed and went to out separate houses, now sleeping under the watchful eye of whatever star keeps ones boyfriend and girlfriend intact.
And after a week of this, there was another call. It's not that I hadn't noticed it: the dream was less than perfect. I went to her place, ascended the steps of her soon to be relocated bedroom and took the bullet like a man. She wanted her best friend back. I was fated to be either one or the other, and she needed the friend more. So I once again obliged. And at this point I wore the stinging sear of the martyr. I grieved for a few days, took my somber walks, then began once again to feel the clouds above me looking down, to feel a wind I had been feeling the last few months with her. I was ok again, but not only ok, I was changed. I had become a lover, not just a writer but a full fledged lover. She had thawed that which two girls years ago had unknowingly frozen over with disinterest. And now I live that life, of the one who always hopes he finds his souls recognition of it's counterpoint in another. And she helped me get there. And wish as I do that things had worked out with her, I've always had the higher cognition to believe not necessarily that everything happens for a reason, but something more: with reason, I know that anything is possible and that I can handle each outcome to the best any heart can ask for. I simply make do with the lemons I'm provided.
I'll be posting this as I leave for a setting much more appropriate for my intro, dear reader, as I sit in front of both a laptop and the skyscape of a city in rain. I've got to be signing off now, for there's plenty of walking left to do tonight. And this week. And this life.
Bon chance.
.Steve
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| 70 hit(s) |
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Swift Wind and Light Rain |
January 27th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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I've got a new persuasion in my head, a new idea. In some ways a new complex, one that the most expensive therapist would have a swell time dissecting.
I've come to expect a lot from my life. Every day I wake up expecting something to be a certain way, expecting- in many ways predicting- that others would act the way that they have been proven to. I say this a lot and it comes out pretty hubristic: I know what's going to happen, almost always. I am rarely surprised. And I think that's becoming more of a handicap than I used to think it would be.
Because lately I've been looking for some mores. No, not s'mores, but "mores". As in I know I've got girls but we'll never be "more" than ____. Or I've got a job but it's really got nothing more to offer. I'll be 21 soon and as I enter an era in which many people thing that more means excess and gluttony, I think I'm beginning to yearn for a world in which more means better, more means progress.
So the uncaring yeti of a lover I've been over the last few years has begun to soften. I search for more now that ever before. I think I'm ready to want a girlfriend. But not just having for having's sake. I think I'm open for the right thing to come along, and with a little prudence I'm taking the blinders off so that I'll recognize it when it approaches. The blinders have been on for years, be them previous stigma I've entertained or previous dreams I've held dear. I'm beginning to realize that the reason such heights were never reached was because the trail I'd been looking to follow led somewhere else. These girls I've been wanting to view in one light don't exist on that spectrum, and it's taken me months, in some cases years, to realize and accept this.
So I don't know the purpose behind this. I don't hold myself to such strict definition that this is somehow a "whole new Steve" but I've got to believe I'm changing for the better. In the end, belief has got to be enough to change it all. Or we'll all begin to get swept away.
goodnight.
.Steve
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| 35 hit(s) |
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Hiss Hiss 31 |
July 23rd, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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Dust.
BOOM.
Is it the streets
or, as the blues would say,
my love light getting snuffed.
Dust.
BOOM. Ba-Boom.
She entered in tempest.
And I haven't met one yet
that wouldn't knock me off my feet
and back out on these hazy
messed up
streets.
Boom.
Rainfall.
Baby it's a flood coming towards.
three-to-one the odds stacked against.
But the kiss is the contract.
I'm letting her know.
I'm in.
.Steve |
| 42 hit(s) |
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Maybe you want her |
July 23rd, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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Every first kiss
it carries a weight
will this be a way
to step out of the shade
Little miss, you've been burned before,
but I want you to stay here outside of this door.
Knowing words aren't the enemy you've faced before.
There's a new night tonight
the stars sparkle us bright
there's a brand new life
beginning tonight. |
| 31 hit(s) |
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May 28th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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Jill says her diary is meant to be a chronicle, one that her kids can read to know what she did. I think mines more abstract. It's on that my kids (should I ever have any) could surf through at random and learn two things:
Dad knows what he's talking about.
Dad was a pretty dark, lovesick shark.
Actually I think we could all benefit from learning that first one early on.
This is why i'll just have one of my friends raise my kids as practice kids.
.Steve |
| 54 hit(s) |
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Mood Swings |
May 28th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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11:59 - Escape
This is the start of the tale of two cities
where one is the quicksand
the other delayed
the dreaming destination of this caste of hillbillies
reached on white golden wings
in the highest of ways
take a drug or take vacation
take the only way that you can
when the city's destination doesnt matter whats the plan
stuck in the rotting pull
smiling away through meaningless crimes
i guess the story is most like a letter
to remind blind ambition to get with the times
take a day and take vacation
to the mecca of artists and dreamers disease
the home of temptation is the center of the plan
2:46 - Satisfaction
Unlikely prices of complication
a message sounding from the past
over the bottle is a bright new world
the feeling of reeling for this one to last
no reason for this feeling elation
not a name on a letter or a telephone screen
one sweet mix for the road to fruition
serenity kissed with a little caffeine
my veins burst with chemicals barreling through
the sweet thirst of chemical, poison and you
lovely sweet and deadly so necessary
is it real or the reaper
moving hearts dripping deeper
as my veins burst with chemicals burning me through
the sweet thirst of chemical, poison and you. |
| 53 hit(s) |
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Keys and Cars |
May 12th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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The story of my life, it's like a great open book; I write but I don't pay attention
my nights seem to pass getting others off hook like a lawyer with godless intention
I cant seem to take one more step on the way to the path that I plan out each day after day
I cant stop obsessing on everyone else when i'm waiting to find what hell i'm about
and out here
it's the day after day
and i'm here
slowly caving away
and back home
throw my letters away
out here theres nothing left to say. |
| 40 hit(s) |
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Hurting Hands and Hearts Part 3 |
April 28th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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Part 3: As The Jungle Creeps In...
And like fruit from the tree, so fell the drinks. Before my arrival there was already plenty of lewd and amazing content, and afterward there was tenfold. But not to get ahead of myself, I’ll start where the party is formed. Weeks beforehand, Scott's parents had decided to take a trip to California, just the two of them, as an anniversary of sorts. And from the most classic of wombs was the idea of a blow-out-party born. Word began to spread as the idea of a guest list was thrown out of the window. One list was created though and that was the drink list. This is where requests were made and orders filled out and money allotted. This list began to be the running advertisement for the party, changing hands dozens of times and taking on many additions until the text on the top stating where and when it be returned to Scott was noticed and adhered to. If any readers are wondering where the alcohol was obtained, I say this: never underestimate the power of a 21-year-old sister with a rebel streak running down her back.
The guest list, had it ever existed, would have been a who's who of our school. The girl who got way too drunk, who today has become a smart and reserved girl. The guy that did drugs that, today, still does drugs. Ok so it wasn’t a glamorous crowd but like a prize among cracker jacks, Ashley was there. And on her hand was a bracelet, a bottle of Dos Equis, and a boy. I couldn’t tell you his name, and I’m sure that when Lucifer was already taken he just wasn’t given one. This boy, not man, was now and forever my nemesis. The classic boy from Vermont if there ever was one, he had his polo and his khaki shorts and even the leather sandals. In fact, he was so deliciously prep that he was almost before his time. He could have single handedly sparked the Abercrombie migration we saw so apparent on the west coast in '03.
In between the drinks and the shots and the nonsensical chants and roars we heard rock this tiny hamlet in Scottsdale, I’d sneak glances at her. I know it wasn’t necessary; I could have just as easily gone and talked to her with little sacrifice. I often think she would have been happy to see me, to talk once more to the boy she once shared so freely and honestly with. But then he'd slip his snake-like arm around her hip, his form like a python squeezing the life out of my fantasy. The end result of my night was frustration and drunkenness, and to this day I’m not sure which of those two would inspire my next actions.
As the starts ferverently fought for their dominion against the impending morning sun, I turned the corner of the house to find her there: very much alone. Now was my chance. Snake free and in a haze, I stumbled my steps and then my words to re-initiate the long lost love. And she smiled, wiped away a tear, and said hello back. I'd ran over so many times in my head what I was going to say to her when I had the chance. I'd tell her I missed her, I missed talking to her and I missed walking with her every day. I'd tell her how over the summer I'd done other things, met new people and all the while the dull buzzing in the back of my head was saying her name, wondering who she was meeting. And how I’d found out exactly who she met on that first week of school, through the grapevine that became my noose. But in the moment all I could concern myself with was why she was crying. What in the world kind of devotee would I be if I’d asked anything else? How could I allow something to cause her pain? Turns out, I’d called it way in advance: it was Lucifer. His name was David and back in Vermont he was a senior who had wooed her in a very unoriginal way (bias is allowed, deal with it). He'd kissed another girl, she said. They'd fought for hours outside in the cold, she said. He'd decided to walk back to his friend’s house where he'd arranged to stay while he visited her. They were over for good, and she was a fool for liking him she said. And while I wish I was genuinely concerned for her, at that moment I had to subdue my joy at hearing her say what I’d wanted to scream for months.
And that's when the stupor hit the peak. Be it the booze, the frustration or the completely inconceivable way she was looking back at me, my comforting hug was shifted and we were then face to face. And though I’d seen her take many shots, I hoped sadness and uproaring had sobered us both up enough to kiss... |
| 67 hit(s) |
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Heather |
April 7th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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the morning brings an empty tale
of a loved one moving
a new home above
not old enough to know the truth
i find it moving
she knew so much love
in the months before and the days after
as i'm trying to muster up one single tear
i just hope that her life in the new everafter
is better than the one she was punished through here |
| 58 hit(s) |
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Two of Me |
March 4th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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I'm not gonna be just another vulture
with my white polo feathers
circling the meat
I'm not gonna let myself fall into torture
with my syllabic heart
never skipping a beat
how many masks will I put on today
which friends will I call to keep heartbreak at bay
is there any reason I'm failing to notice
for my mind to be splitting a breaking away
I check on the balance
the old and mature
with no-one to hold
with the youthful talents
with skin-to-skin loves
no way to let go
is there any real questioning this real estate?
guess I'm fated to sleep where I'm not long to stay
in another attempt at a normal new love
my mind starts to splinter and then break away
Anything more and I'll ruin the moment.
Any thing less and I'll break free and fall
So cue the figure riding the edge,
cause another few lines and I'm fooling them all.
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| 73 hit(s) |
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Come On Chemicals |
January 31st, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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so for now i'll sit in the back of the shadows
raising toasts to the conquests of others
and the chances of mine that ran out of time
that were then handed down to my brothers
Life as a martyr isn't nearly as bad
as my need for love to be fleeting and few
It's isnt by choice or a will to repeat it
it's just slowly becoming that thing that I do
but I needed to go where there's more they can offer
I needed a break from the strain of the world
so my ticket is bought and i'm ready to jetset
and i'll see if theres more than my love for a girl
and the risk that I took wasnt worth all the trouble
but I needed to take it if only for me
and now once again the safety is fleeting
for a new band of players are charging the scene
i'm trying to make this a poem but I cant rhyme it very well. . Try as I might, i'm not meant to be happy with what(read 'who') i've found just yet but others are. I get it. I can take the hint. I'll never be happy about it but i'll stop trying to expect more to come from the situations I often find myself in that, in a perfect world or a normal life might lead to something but for me lead only to a word document. |
| 67 hit(s) |
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December 31st, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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I tell everyone that encounters a situation like this the same story:
It's just some good old heartbreak. It's not a bad thing, no. People are too hard on the break up. Treat it like its a cancer or something. It's liberation. The single life, the hunt, is not glorious at all. It's a deep, slow, lonely hell that nobody wants to be in. But given the choice between it and a stagnant relationship, the only smart choice is to be single.
"All I look for in a relationship is to remain utterly alone" - Alan Shore
.Steve |
| 67 hit(s) |
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November 29th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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I want to find reality in a world that i've been viewing through rose colored periscope from deep down under my defenses. Before we delve too deep i've got to ask: can you find the next host? The next girl to bear the weight of all of my hopes and dreams, can you find her? Cause I can't promise it won't be you and I can't promise that it will last, but all I can promise is that she's not one that I know now. I wish, and god I dont know why, that it was the one everyone thinks I want. Because i'll be damned if i've ever felt as strongly toward a girl as I do for this one. But It's like the perverted bizarro of the relationship I have with my best friend (the girl). One feels like a sister, the other could be the world to me if I only knew for sure that she wasnt just a canvas i'm painting. I've dipped my brush in every love movie i've ever seen and what i've started is a color-by-numbers of Breakfast at Tiffany's, Love Actually, Moulin Rouge, Rent, Garden State and any other indie-love fest i feel like sourcing from at the time. Someone do this: tell me if it is better to wait and let this so-far-four-year-long heart thing eventually pass (somewhere around the time we fix the national debt) or to take it into my own hands and open up three subsequent options: Success, happily ever after; Success, regret; utter failure.
Which do I do. |
| 104 hit(s) |
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Hurting Hands and Hearts Part 2 |
October 25th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Part 2: Work N' Progress
Junior year brought its fair share of ups and downs, most of which completely unrealted to the girl i'd pensively referred to as "the one". Looking back its almost absurd how a span of mere months became the anchor for most of my actions and mannerisms during that time. I made some of my closest friends that year, and none of them had any idea what my main focus was during that time. Those notebooks i'd made in her honor were hidden deep in my bag and nobody dared go that deep. The persona I developed became one of advice, understanding and compassion. I became a rock for all others to stand upon as they looked out upon the wary and open sea of their own relationships, all the while hiding under the surface that I was facing the same problems they were. It seems that the world is a lot easier to judge when the consequences were not mine to bear. And so i faced the world as the man undaunted and untouched by the problems of love. The exact and utter opposite of how I felt inside had became my outward definition.
One thing junior year did bring was the parties. And at one of these parties began the meat of the story, the reason i've sat down with a pen and decided to tell you everything up to now. This party developed over a wonderful, beautiful week in october consisting of clear skies, fair weather and the additional perk of being a week off of school. My best friend, Scott, was to celebrate the first official vacation his parents had ever taken that he was exempt from. The apple, as they say, was ripe to be picked. The apple being the house, and forty or fifty of our closes friends being the starving orchard workers ready to do some picking. |
| 119 hit(s) |
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Hurting Hands and Hearts |
October 24th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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A cold wind passes through the room as he sits down to begin a tale of wonder and intrigue. He resists the urge to start with the same cliche he used in the last one, and the one before that. This time is different for a very basic reason; everything he is telling is true, happened to him and is in no way a fabrication. Thus begins the tale...
It all began my first year of high school and, as these things tend to, involved a girl. I was walking home from what proved to be a normal day and there she was, in the parking lot waiting on her ride. She passed me a glance, and I stared back and soon it was like the heavens had opened up. The wind blew, the sound of my portable cd player faded and I was none the wiser. God, I could have lived inside that stare. It followed me the whole way home, and how I got there is a mystery unto itself. I should have wound up in an alley somewhere like a drunken transient with no sense of north or south, and yet when I sat down at my table and the buzz died down only one thought remained: who the hell was that?
It took weeks of waiting outside of the school and badgering all of the friends I had made to eventually learn her name. But this would not be the last time she kept inadvertent secrets. Time went on, as it tends to when you're 14, and soon I was 15 and it was sophomore year and I still had no idea what to do about this girl. Her name, by the way, was Ashley. Funny, until then i'd thought nothing of it and every day since I have counted it among my top 4 favorite words in the english language, second only to "Her", "Name" and "Is". Those four words found themselves grouped together in every notebook and every moment of free thought I had.
It was near an obsession, and had this been any other period in my life I would have been seen as the worst kind of stalker and devotee, but here in this short span of four years I was just another lovesick adolescent with too much time and not enough guts. It was the end of sophomore year when something amazing happened: she moved. No, not in the bad "i'll never see her again and now i'll have nothing to live for" move but the "oh my god the girl of my dreams just moved in right on my street" moved. Thats right, for the first time in my life since i'd won the spelling bee in 7th grade I was sure there was a god. Ashley and I would even beging to walk the same route to our school, two blocks away and every morning I wished it was longer. It began with the eyes again, and then a hello. Soon conversation began. She was a leo, and I an aries. Astrologers reading this would be quick to tell you what that means, but all I cared about was that she knew I was an aries. She knew that there was a kid named Steve and he was an Aries. And that validated every torn and crumpled ball of notebook paper that had suffered at my hand for the last two years. We grew to have jokes, have stories and even the occasional moment of advice and genuine care. But the greatest of times began when she saw me at school and didnt walk by me.
These were the glory days, the days that I knew should have lasted forever were I to become a god. But my not being a diety meant that the end of sophomore year soon approached. Such fast work made in so little time and I was sure that my summer would be my unending hell. And it was, if made so by the simple fact that her father insisted upon a summer home. Summer homes, by the way, have plagued mankind since the dawn of the first schoolboy crush and this summer made no exception at my expense. Many notebooks perished that summer. Until the time came to buy more, back to school shopping and such, and thus the return of school. Junior year came and to my loathe and contempt there was no glory. This summer home in Vermont had taken in the object of my affection and in three short months returned to me another boys girlfriend, one with that same weak-at-the-knees stare but much less time for her would be escort to school...
To Be Continued... |
| 73 hit(s) |
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Daily Scribble |
October 23rd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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I see love and I want it
but not to forge my own
to recreate the love i've seen
while staring at a movie screen
I wrote that on the back of a piece of paper at work yesterday while I was in between customers. It would seem that the Muse likes to follow me wherever I go. |
| 289 hit(s) |
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first square charge |
October 16th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Sitting down after work so much easier with you
talking not of the day but of the night
and how it seems to be new
and tends to be ours
back and forth I go on emotions
and back and forth you follow me
wish I could thank you for all that you've done
my heart you have won
all of these thoughts that i keep hidden
the ones of you i let fly free
i'm never sure they work to potential
i'm never sure they came from me
stop rhyme, stop love, stop everything
this poem is different because it isnt a song
just an oddly timed letter
that i never send
one i'm constantly writing but you've never read. |
| 126 hit(s) |
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Paper |
October 9th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Joshua Radin
I think you guys should know that he doesnt write much anymore. In fact, if he ever knew I was typing this he'd probably go crazy. But he claims he's lost something...that spark, i think he calls it, that ignites good writing. Sure he can put words together well and still have the occasional brain zap, but theres nothing epic.
I keep telling him that he doesnt need to be epic at 19. We live in friggen modern middle class, you cant be epic with equal doses of Starbucks and TiVo. But i'll give him one thing he has come extremely close. Sometimes during the night, I can hear his head exploding with raw emotion. You know how sometimes they have radiation leaks at those big power plants? Its like that, there is just this energy radiating from his temples and his heart, pulsing and wishing it could be turned into words. In years and time he'll learn, not in a classroom, how to better harness that energy and make it more efficient. Until then he promises to keep trying to jot down some syllabic slop from time to time just so he doesnt rust over (he doesnt have a Dorothy to carry around an oil can just yet).
.Josh |
| 89 hit(s) |
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The first kiss |
September 23rd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Snow Patrol - Chocolate
I havent kissed her yet, it's been years and I havent kissed her yet. You see, I was raised on the not so easy kind of love. The kind where the only thing greater than being away from that person is spending every last minute with them. The love where she challenges me, every minute, every hour, every day and i'm a better man for it. I want to be a better man for it. And with this one, it isnt challenging. She's not a challenge. She doesnt argue, she's complacent, and its wonderful sure but it gets daunting. I dont want to live in a world where I feel like I get the prize simply because nobody else competed. It's like when you're buying a cool new laptop computer. There's the really expensive one with numerous gadgets that you know will break soon or be tough to use, and there is the safe one with rubber corners and the most basic software. Thats the kind of guy i've always been, I guess. I look for the challenge. I need to always have a goal, even if I never meet it it must be there. And with her, its the drive home from the race and I dont know how I won but I just found myself in that car with the ribbon. Be is masochism, be it a wonderous form of emotional evolution, be it whatever the answer is clear: I havent kissed her because I dont feel like i've earned it. And if I havent had to struggle, to fight to earn it and prove myself then I feel that i'm misleading her. She doesnt know what she has, how can she want it?
.Steve |
| 149 hit(s) |
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we make a pair of parentheses |
September 8th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Before I went to bed I wanted to let anyone who still reads this know that I appreciate it. I dont write as much as I used to, thats for sure, and I appreciate the time you take to refresh here for my sake. I'm a click away. :)
But for now, sleeptime. I could work on HW some more or sleep. And, well, even diligent day takes relief every day from its work making light from the night.
.Steve |
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August 26th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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I can't decide on farewell, so i'm just gonna say
that i'm gone and you mean the world to me.
But there was never a way for someone like me
to know just what to do
So i hope you can appreciate just how it feels
for me to be so into you.
I knew a girl once who told me what i'd find
how it wasnt her but i'd have one in time
and maybe its you and maybe its not
but you said find a forest fire
when you're the center of the sun
there's one too many of you to stop
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In a moment |
July 29th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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and i could do nothing at this point
to change her opinion of me
in her rock and tumble world
i'm as steady as the sea
and when there's no time for us to kill
and when the world stops spinnin still
we'll see we needed one more thing
to let us finally break free
but as of now
we hold on to wrong and right
and still some how
we keep our memories through this cold dark night
and as of now
yeah right this minute everything
this illusion we maintain
to keep our hearts from breaking free
is breaking me.
for years its just been you and I
and i couldnt be happier that way
and the roads we're going down
grew even closer every day
but when you're sitting in my car
and the sky is growing dim
the last few weeks i'm learning slowly
that the journey's gonna end
but as of now
we hold on to wrong and right
and still some how
we keep our memories through this cold dark night
and as of now
yeah right this minute one last thing
this illusion we maintain
to keep our hearts from breaking free
it's breaking me.
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I will consider you gone |
July 24th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Watching god's flash photography
it's you and me
this close again we'll never be
so let me drag out what i can
from the bottom of the sea
and I dont want to feel this alone
so say you're in it too
this rain is hot and splashes down
you know i'd do the same for you
its nothing, not having an everything
so you dont know where my meaning lies
and its very long ago that you could sing
now its only your heart that ever tries |
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For Amy? |
June 25th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Rough, but I needed a place to store it.
Though you were born after me, I really wouldnt know
if I saw you on the street on a sunny winters day
An old soul is what they say when you act like you do
but i'm pretty sure old wouldnt get me this way
If only I knew how to handle my words
on nights like this when i'm talking with girls
and theres one in particular thats hardest to read
and she's making me earn every second i breathe
She calls just to tell me there's nothing to say
and then pesters me when I refuse to talk
and the silence on the phone burns my minutes away
but it's the cutest damned phone call I ever got
If only I knew how to handle a girl
on nights like this when i'm having some fun
and theres one that I know that wont leave me alone
and hope that she never does
(...ya write one poem and the world thinks you're in love) |
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Sit for solice |
June 15th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Do we honestly believe that nobody reads these words anymore? That nothing of consequence will come from the updates and entries? Is there a comfort in the belief that an identifying soul will only find you through chance, nomatter how many paths plan to cross. There is no single entity, and yet we were all writing the same words. We were all drawing from the same ball of light up in the sky. Be it moon or sun there is no difference as long as one can see the keyboard in due time to be true. To say that nobody remembers this small page you once checked feverently is not exactly a lie. We all remember the nights you didnt know who you were, because back then we had no idea either. Back then there was simply time enough for soul searching. We had the days to burn when we wanted to sulk about the boy or the girl. And the nights that went too fast for us we fondly remembered thanks to photographs locked away in cameras still undeveloped. Regress back three years and you'll find nothing you remember. Would they wear that now? No. Could you say that now? Unlikey. But back then it was who you were. It was the newest damned fad and the funniest line you ever saw on a tv show. Back then there were sheild in place, walls in place to protect the sanctuary and prison we called home. And now we have the same impulses, or at least the same desires. They may not be acted upon for the simple fact that it would be improper. It wouldnt fit in. That show has been cancelled. But I say we rise above just one more time, dipping below the society and spooning out the cream filling of innocent times. Reaching into the ether of youth when a generations worth of anxiety and angst seemed summed in the lyrics of a song. Two lines from a band that released it's greatest hits the year later, and there is still no better way to say it. We are forever our youth, and now the youth is available to us as long as a server remains intact. The webspace has cemented childhood in a convenient sidewalk that just asks to be walked upon one more time. |
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Westward Tales |
June 14th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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You're pretty damned daylight
and i'm a night on prowl
we're making dusk
and burning rubber
as we're leaving this town
we're visiting the corner store
and stocking our supplies
now there's a little less money
but a lot more truth
out here where time flies
and we're capturing this dream of ours
out where the asphalt's old
retiring the stories told
We're cowboys underneath these stars
dont think twice about waging war
the wild west is who we are |
| 92 hit(s) |
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Graduation Day |
May 23rd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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And they say it's sometimes paralysing
but with you it's never not
I havent seen your face in months
and still I hope this stops
cause you're still the goddess of whats going on
Stars in the rearview mirror
warned "objects larger than they appear"
this trip's further without you near
and it's been months since you've been here
I said i'd call you when you're back from pittsburgh
coldest place you've ever been
since it's the only way i'll say the truth
you grabbed coffee, I grabbed my pen
and the only way i'll give up
is to hear it from your lips
thats why i had to make this trip
and now i'm afraid of what i'll hear
caise it's been months since you've been here. |
| 144 hit(s) |
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Ow. |
April 5th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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So my life has been interesting lately. Fluctuates between two states. Sort of like a light switch.
At one moment i'll feel completely overwhelmed. Case in point: mondays. This coming monday will be the second in a row that I have a paper due. That, plus a journalism story and such, makes for a school-to-be-blamed rush that I dont like.
The other times, i have fun and feel free. Like tuesday night, dinner with Katie then hanging with her back in her dorm room. And today, where I hot atomic comics with Scotty and just sat around most of the rest of the day.
Other than that, I find myself enjoying the weather and writing a little bit every night. Nothing really wrong with that.
This update came expressly from my desire to please Jill. So if anyone else reads it, which I admit I dont see happening, feel free to thank her.
.Steve |
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March 26th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Theres all these great lines other people wrote
and I start to think maybe theyre me
maybe I spent my life without a clue
searching desperately for something to do
until I stumbled upon a great writer
and he told me how it worked for him
and how he's like to see his work continue
he didnt actually talk to me
in fact I believe he's been dead for many years
so I figured it's the least I could do
anad the crowd thought I had the same skill
but the crowd was small with no good judge
now I sit, afraid to travel to larger arena's
to see just how my rhyming flies. |
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March 18th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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My god, my god. Where to begin?
My name is Steve and I just got back from rocky point. Easily four of the better days of my life. Hands down. If you were hot and we met you chances are that you heard we had room 504 and this place called Casa Pinacante, right along the beach with both balconies (upstairs and downstairs) facing out to the horizon. We arrived there Wednesday around 2 or so, and immediately there was beer. So much beer. I've never had so much Corona/DosXX/Sol/Tecate. But there are reasons the drinking age is 21, reasons I'll get in to later.
Wednesday night we sort of just went around, me and the three best friends, still taking in the fact that we could legally sit there and mingle at Manny's with beer and shiz. It was slow compared to the other two nights though. We ended up getting home too early after walking back to the casa and slept.
Round 2, or as ya'll might call it "thursday" was anything but lame. It was probably the more amazing night of the three. The 5 of us, plus Tyler, hit up Manny's again and that was fun for a while of course. But then we went next door to what ended up being my favorite place in Rocky Point by far: The Ice Box. This is where I met Brooke. Need to know who that is? go here. She's the one with the main picture. The song "fell in love with a stripper" never made more sense.
Did I mention the Ice Box's main attraction is a mechanical bull? I sure hope I did, because you wouldnt believe some of the things I saw on this bull. Lo and behold though, on night one, we see plenty of people we know. Ranging from girls we knew very well, to best friends we didnt know were gonna be down there, to girls we (I) used to totally crush on sophomore year. I totally should have started carrying a pen with me because from here on i'll regret not being able to get this girl's contact info. I'll most likely never see her again, regretably. I've got maybe one social connection two her and it's something akin to 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon. Damn, too, I totally used to like this chick. Just ask Evan he remembers that class. But i'll always have WaterGirl.
WaterGirl is of course Brooke (see above). To get to the point, the longest convo I had with her was probably 4 sentences outside of IceBox and consisted of a few compliments, a joke a giggle and a "have a good one". I was drunk, forgive me.
Friday night, Lads! St. Patty's day. From what I remember, there was dancing, "Chet"ing, angry people, loud music, boobs, fights, DosXX, another fight, another Wet T-Shirt contest, a catfight, girl we knew, girls crying, the girl I mentioned earlier (once again I curse myself for being without pen), and a wind down to sublime in what was a common stop for our group at 2am: The Happy Frog. We got home, knocked over a chair and hit the bed, sleeping until it was time to pack and leave.
There are of course hundreds of smaller stories that i'm saving for another time. They include Max's, dodging hotel security, canadian prescription drugs, 15 on 15 volleyball, Emily Rose, crazy taxi's, "baloncesto in la biblioteca", and more. Dont forget North Dakota's win over our crew in the drunken b-ball contest. That's a goodin. Damn, I need to get some pictures for you guys. Not all are appropriate though. So. Deal.
I want to go next year too.
.Steve |
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March 9th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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We say we are committed to science, but where are the halls of justice, filled with governing councils of serum-created superpatriots, part-android teenagers, and scantily clad femaliens sworn to protect us?
Among all the federal, state, and local authorities in place today to protect the public, there is not one individual who is undersea-adapted, animal-bred, or high-tech-archery-themed. Not one agency devoted to the public interest is staffed by a genetic mutant. Even the utility belts we equip our police officers with lack bat-radio-transceiver technology.
We can no longer deny the facts: We need code-named heroes to fight the super-villains of tomorrow. Unless our government prioritizes scientific research and its resulting freak accidents, we have no one but ourselves to blame when we are unable to protect ourselves from robot executioners, giant creatures from the Earth's core, or invasions from the Skrull Empire.
---Spring break begins, and during said time I am going to attempt to forget all about school. I need to jump start (hell, make that just plain start) my love life. It's been a long time dead. Yeah sure I flirt my ass off, but it never goes much of anywhere. Do I doom myself with decision? I ask you: what kind if girl do ya'll see me with? Help me help myself. |
| 129 hit(s) |
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I wish I could play more instruments |
February 20th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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It's so hard to find some time to sleep
yeah when you're always passing out
Someday you'll realize drunken fights
and shady sexy drunken nights
arent what it's all about
when you need a place to go
and there's nothing left to overdo
find me in the listings
yeah find me in the book
and see what I can do for you
We're all just lonely hearts
and though you've nailed it to perfection
it's time to lay the rebel down to rest
Grow up, Kid, grow up
you're running out of useless people
bottom of the barrel and maybe love is all thats left |
| 187 hit(s) |
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Something is seriously missing |
February 7th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Steve = Hope
Steve = Strength
Steve = Advice.
I'm in a serious rut, people. And I don't want you to get any mixed signals: I don't need comforts of 'getting better's. I dont need consolement. I need knowledge.
I've been the pillar of support to everyone I know for the longest time, keeping my emotions and shortcomings and qualms stuffed down pretty deep for the sake of others. For the sake of their happiness I dropped everything into the well, this hole i've dug into.
I've been a guru. I've been the Hero*. It stopped working. I liked giving advice without having to worry about following it. Now nothing comes to mind because I dont even know what i'm doing anymore.
But now, with a small instigator, the small spark in the implosion of emotion, things caved. All at once my life, what with the help of a friend i've come to believe is my independance, has fallen. Been squashed. My life is in recession. It's taking steps backward to a place I never want to be again.
'They' dont believe me. I'm being selfish, I shouldnt be feeling how I am, this situation is just temporary. But I was moving forward, moving ahead with vigor and hope and optomism and nobody could sto- WHAM! No warning and all of a sudden i'm bumming rides again and school has lost its appeal and social relations have died.
Every fucking corner I turn hides another brick wall, or a door slamming in my face. I can't catch a break. I wasn't exactly pious but damn I had faith. And now even the little things are failing me. The smallest things that I could find comfort in or normalcy in are flipping me the bird and running away just as fast as the big things are.
I'm aware life goes in ups and downs, but nobody seems to understand that I need to feel this down. They tell me to be happy, to look ahead to better days and I tell them I just cant. And I shouldnt have to. Let me feel my feelings, people. But no. They cant handle that, i'm being absurd. Well screw them, screw them all.
My life is no longer in their hands.
Thing is...it's no longer in mine either.
.Steve
*thanks J. |
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January 20th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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This sentance we're living in is just one in the 'verse.
One line in a play in a scene we wont rehearse.
I cant tell you i'm looking for a local loving gaze
but what I can say is that you came by today
and in no way does that mean you're the perfect one for me
but I guess that what it means is if youre asking
then perfect aint all it's cracked up to be. |
| 183 hit(s) |
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Soft breast, beating heart |
January 14th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: She Wants Revenge - Tear You Apart
They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions when you're dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last
*Saw Hostel, i'd suggest you see it. It's sort of badass.
*Also, School is back up soon. So once again, have fun hitting the books. I know I will.
*Also, word is spreading, but yes. I am sort of dating someone. It's a loose affiliation so far. Who knows how it'll turn out.
.Steve |
| 191 hit(s) |
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Perhaps |
January 8th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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I saw The Producers last night. It was very funny. Also, I was in amazing company. So that helped a lot.
We're seeing another movie on Wednesday. Lets just say she's pretty awesome.
.Steve |
| 250 hit(s) |
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Son of the Morning |
January 6th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
In an uplifting and hopeful manner, and because a certain friend wishes me to update, i'm going to tell you all what it's like to keep my cup half full.
During the average day I sometimes find myself filled with nearly paralysing anxiety when confronted with public display or even something like dealing with a large crowd. (*Editors note: Maybe thats why he became a Techie and not an actor, according to many he would have done well in the latter).
I tend to constantly second guess other people intentions, for one reason or another. It's not a trust issue but I guess when I know how easy it is to lie convincingly it gets me a little paranoid. I also tend to sort of stutter and mumble a lot. Most of you may seem surprised. I admit, when in the company of friends i'm the funny man. When around available females i'm Mr. Suave. But any other time i'm sort of a mess.
I have a keenly analytical mind. I slice and dice all conversations, I order things in my mind, I thrive on symmetry. A little dose of OCD for ya.
But in the end of the day, if I can sit down and have a drink and be calm and comfortable, then it's been a good day. I try not to let my paranoia get the best of me though, which could turn into a little bit of self turmoil.
I need to go to a flippin shrink. Wow, could you imagine? Not only having someone listen to everything you say but also being able to tell them anything and everything in complete honesty. I havent been 100% honest with anyone ever. At least not in the last 5 years.
I'm sure some of you already have that though.
.Steve |
| 84 hit(s) |
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See ya. |
December 30th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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You tried, you've fallen short. Time to leave. Goodbye. Dont take what isnt yours (never was) anymore.
Three cheers for a job half done, well failed, we tried, no room inside. Go room outside.
Why leave this alone when we can blame you? You, the very statement of perfection, what has befallen those who've fallen this far?
Redemption? No story ends like that this time.
People will say we've done great things. We, the true misers, are the true heroes, the true rulers of truthful experience. You will not find your battle here, keep straggling.
For we are the final arbiters of greatness. |
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December 28th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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while I wish i'm holding you, i'm holding out my phone. Why let the sunset pass simply cause i'm alone.  |
| 115 hit(s) |
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A constant struggle of a poem |
December 27th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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I keep hoping that you'll fall crawling scrawling on a pad of notes, knowing this is what I wrote for you.
and only you.
why'd you have to be the only one i've ever felt,
The one i'd rather never have then have somebody else.
I wanted not to fall from sight
and not to try and keep your eyes in lock with mine while pretty boys keep walking by
you keep walking by.
so tell me how you're not the one when I ask you how you feel.
yeah I know your not the one but your the only one thats real.
.Steve |
| 120 hit(s) |
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Feel It! |
December 18th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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I'm sure I could leave this well enough alone, have you all know me through imagery rather than my actions or the degree of my character, but there's too much time and too many unfinished text documents on me to put you into that mess. It's been a long time since I've written anything over 10 words that wasn't to be due for some sort of grade. Grade, critique, whatever you call it, I don't like it. I'd rather my friends, those who I love and trust, tell me who I am. Not some PhD with a cat who cant spend his time reading me through because I'm 1/1000. To my friends, I'm 1000/1. And the reciprocal is reciprocated.
Now that school is on hiatus, it's time to sit down and find me again. As my over sentimental and often times completely unintelligible father might say it's time for me to "find my smile". I've had good times, of course. But nothing short of a good sunset and a hot coffee can make me smile nowadays. This isn't a pity trip, it's the solid truth. There are one or two names on my caller ID that really life me up, too, but that was ages ago since that's happened. So for now it's 'Me' time. I have money, one of the perks of a generous dad and a generous scholarship. I have time. Lord knows that as winter shortens the days it lightens them too. I've decided on a couple of tactics:
A) Give to Get. I'm not going to be frugal with my money this season. I'll be ok without it. But it is Christmas after all. I'm going to buy gifts for everyone I love and everyone that loves me.
B) I'm going to take things a little less seriously. I'm still studious, don't get me wrong, but Drama was better left for high school. Things will work out, they always have and they always will.
C) When all else fails, I'm going to get a cup of coffee and watch the sunset.
I'm telling you, it's that easy. If it isn't then I'm determined to make it so. I mean if life isn't what we make it, then I want to make it what we make it. Change is not a threat but a utensil.
Sorry. I went to get juice. I'm sure you didn’t notice, you're reading this all at once. But know that juice was attained. I almost started this little tidbit off with lyrics of the song I was listening to, btw, but I decided instead to start it off with lyrics of the song I'm living. I mean sure they don't rhyme, and the tempo is a little iffy. But that's exactly how it's meant to be heard.
Keep living life, because I plan to keep writing it.
.Steve
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| 139 hit(s) |
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Same Post. Version 2. |
December 18th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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these are the last few words of this thing called passion
this thing called emotion
this thing called love
you rode away, leaving me behind
a long time ago
Don't lie; your eyes give you away.
the long transition to a new cold heart
my old compassion tossed away
songs that sound like a brand new start
sound to me like yesterday
as my fingers hit the words on the mark, they start bleeding
they drop to the ground with a thud that hurts my ears
but she's got her own problems now
her own lonely nights someone can fix
someone found not sitting at this paper
with this pen finding the truth
and maybe, someone says, there'd still be hope
and as tough as it is to abandon belief
it's easier when, it was easier then.
As tough as this'll be it would be worse to let you do this
i'll blame you if it means that I can make it to july
and after that, i'll have another vice to get me through this
i'll drink the days away under the arizona sky. |
| 137 hit(s) |
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Megs Poem |
December 13th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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I'll get the hotel room and the real cheap wine,
you just need to find the time.
We'll stick to what you know, no need for complications.
Yeah sometimes we take what we can get, and that aint no crime.
You learn there's nothing wrong in cutting corners from time to time.
Memories arent all theyre cracked up to be,
forgetting me is just as easy
so forget this if you must
but for tonight just let it be
Yeah but sometimes we take what we can get, never think of it again
you learn theres nothing wrong with taking chances in the end. |
| 150 hit(s) |
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D-12. It isnt done. |
December 12th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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From time to time
when I have a creative streak
I get to thinking maybe i'm not meant
to writing without you
and then later
when I get to walking around
I find i'm thinking maybe i'm not meant
for walking without you
Later and later i'm thinking of you
and sooner i'm thinking of things I can do
because songs and romance just cant do it justice
when day long I cant stop thinking of you.
.Steve |
| 74 hit(s) |
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time to rhyme |
December 12th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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I'm a liar in poetry and scoundrel in practice
a deceiver recieving my pittance in prose.
A lyrical master, the prodigal son of
a word rhyming tactic thats second to none.
Roll down the windows, turn up the heat.
It's another confrontation in the arizona streets.
One rhyme lines and two word stories
and no longer trying to please one and all.
Jumping or leaping they dont treat you different
when here all that matters is how fast you fall.
Singing a journey and crying the end
a once steady progress reduced to a crawl
and tripping on wires or slipping on ice
arent as different as one would assume after all.
.Steve |
| 87 hit(s) |
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Muse, abuse me. |
December 10th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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Dear Sweet notepad, take a seat. You're gonna want a drink when all of this is done.
Anxious, impatient, under utilized and over analysed, my mind is ahead of me. Ahead of you. Ahead of it's time.
It's time. quarter-life, done. Turning over and over in my new leaf, trying to stretch it out. Soon it's the second quarter life. And in a second, i'm at quarter resistance again.
(Here's where you'll want to pay attention, it gets tricky. My tricks, that is, not the story.)
The good times, well they come and go just like any other moment on this TV show. Cant seem to flip chanels. Everyone stare at me, i'm just menial. Trash day, hayday, mayday i'm going down again.
Simplicity? what is that? Blending in with the crowd? Is that some new slang? "Success". I've no idea what it means. Great things, yeah, like i'll ever be able to handle them.
Only one thing that sustained me through school to this point, one hope, my only true religion. And it seemed to pass me by so fast.
Not you though. Not you.
You'll need to fill me in on that one day.
When we're drunk and lying on your floor.
Saying nothing, wanting more.
Learning faith isnt all it's cracked up to be,
.Steve |
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sweet makin love |
November 17th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
shoulder dump, train of thought:
She totally went behind my back in a sense.
though I cant say I havent done the same so who am I to talk.
I'm gonna rock you like a baby when the cities fall.
*Interlude*
I think I'm so sane that I'm losing my mind.
Should I tell? should it stay a secret?
Is there a risk to be taken?
can I trust her? is she jealous? Am I?
It's been, what, four years almost. Jesus I need to just admit that I cant do it alone.
Bartender please, I know it's late. Hook me up.
I still might be great without the help. But think of life with one less worry.
it's under control for now.
She doesnt know the power she yields.
And then there's Her. New, but equally out of this league I think i'm in. I can be a magnet for relationshipal failure.
I make up too many words.
Train: derailed. |
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Like the people on TV |
October 11th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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Sometimes I dont know what I'm saying. I was about to start this entry with some nonsensical arrangement of any number of words and let you think there's some deep meaning to it. But I wont lie to you: I just talk my mouth off. Theory goes that the more I say, the more chances I have to say something good.
It was kind of cold this morning. I think these are the best times of the year when we have cold mornings and warm afternoons.
Cori sait the other day that she sometimes feels like she really likes being single and yet also gets lonely and wants a companion. I couldnt agree more. I like my easygoing life, not really having to worry about pleasing a girlfriend. But it's a transaction like any other, if I dont pay the cash then I dont get the product. The product in this case being someone to be with. Someone I can call, have lunch with, spend nearly most of my downtime with, go to movie's with, someone that wants to spend time with me as much as I do with them. Godamnit, I should make at least one private entry on myspace so I can say a lot of things instead of beating around the flipping bush.
Q of the entry: Give me a compliment sandwhich. Something I do well, then something you think I complain about a lot, then another good thing.
.Steve |
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I've been gettin along. |
September 28th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Fiona Apple
Havent done much of anything lately. I need something to pull me back in the world I once lived in. In high school I was sort of the one who thought outside the box, always had free time, rarely worried. Now i'm a stone's throw away from a 9-5 and I hate it. I never really considered myself an artist per se, but I'd like to think I saw the world as one. Recently it's just school. Rarely do I see my friends. I had coffee with Kat today, a rarity, but a damned desperately needed one. I hope she knows how much I love her. And I hope my other friends know how much I love them. Recently, though, i've got a funny way of showing it. As Fiona Apple would say "He's no good at being uncomfortable so he cant stop stayin exactly the same". :)
Peace and love to you and yours.
.Steve |
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Too much time on my hands |
September 22nd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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Thought #1: One day I will go on vacation. One where the only thing I read is a no tresspassing sign and the only lecture is that of the winds and the waters telling the sand what to do. The only thing weighing down my shoulders is the slight undertow as I study with my peers of fish and seaweed. Soft grains in place of soft grades and we've got a shore. Fill it with some eye candy and weighting and curves have different meanings.
Thought #2: I'm wrong thinking i'm the problem maybe i'm part of the crowd, the public. But now we see you're the one runing on empty. the marathon is getting tired, put some of yourself back into normal roatation. Make the reliable out of the once dismissed. My full potential can more than handle it. Possible takes a day, impossible takes a week. Paper's on your desk. Physics: beat. Love: explained. I am the know all, the cure all, let me fix it just by being there to do my work. That's all I need is a medium, no maximum but you're giving me a minimum of response. Call the number, i'm toll free.
Thought #3: When musing, I'm reminded of a clock without hands to make the wheel stop spinning and the tires stop slipping as we slide ever further into the future we get bored with so easily. Right brain functions be damned, greenbacks are generated with a generation of generic geriatrics teaching us of the beaurocracy. Starbucks addicts us, these new Whigs of our time. We fight injustice with apathy. But we don't care. |
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I'm Ready |
September 17th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Dream Girl - DMB
I havent blogged in a while. A strange thing it is indeed. I dont really know what to say here. Most anything that I want to say i'm going to quickly deem too private for a blog and then erase it. School is going fine. I hung out with a small gang last night. Realised some things late at night I dont really want to know but apparently looking at the stars will never be the same for me.
I also have, in recent weeks, decided that I'm never again going to give advice unless I can first follow it myself. I've no right to be preachy without practicing, so to speak.
I'm sorry if I always sound so vague here, I just dont like to name names. And even more so than that I love to talk in metaphor and rhyme, without reason but in time. It's sort of what I do.
I guess that's about it for me right now. Comment some love here for me, it'd be appreciated.
.Steve |
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eX+r3m3 Nonsense |
September 1st, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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COLLEGE COLLEGE. I said it twice cause it's twice as nice, like ice on mice or mice on ice whichever one desides is right. I'm a little crazy right now for no good reason.
Class started last week, and as such today marked the beginning of week two. It's almost more real as things start to become a repetition and not a fluke. Speaking of flukes, didnt do too hot on my first essay. Well think of it as purging the last of summer from my sister. IF I HAD MONEY this would be such a great fall for concerts. If I were rich, then by the end of november the repitoire would read as such: DMB, Coldplay, Jason Mraz, Fall Out Boy, Live, Nickelback and Eisley. And come on, how can you not love most if not all of those bands?
Well, thats about that. I dont update this too often but I figured i'd give it a shot. Time for some stuff then eventual sleep. goodnight, moon.
STVE |
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New Ol Stuff |
August 22nd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
I'm having detachment issues. I went to Saguaro today to visit tech, even though I had just gotten out of college classes. I dont know why I am having such a tough time leaving there. It was my home, it made me who I am and all, but other than that...I NEED to never go back. For my own sake.
Started classes today at SCC, and so far i'm really excited about my mondays/wednesdays/fridays. English is a blast and my cinema teacher is always on. She's a beast, hilarious, and hot for her age. Tomorrow i've got Gov and Math, in that order. Blow me up now. I hope it's better than I think it's gonna be. I've got some reading to do, and i'm excited about the new fiona apple cd too. so ttyl world. Call me, we'll get coffee. Or update and get a myspace, you losers.
.Steve |
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New Starts and Stuff |
August 22nd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Fiona Apple
I'm having detachment issues. I went to Saguaro today to visit tech, even though I had just gotten out of college classes. I dont know why I am having such a tough time leaving there. It was my home, it made me who I am and all, but other than that...I NEED to never go back. For my own sake.
Started classes today at SCC, and so far i'm really excited about my mondays/wednesdays/fridays. English is a blast and my cinema teacher is always on. She's a beast, hilarious, and hot for her age. Tomorrow i've got Gov and Math, in that order. Blow me up now. I hope it's better than I think it's gonna be. I've got some reading to do, and i'm excited about the new fiona apple cd too. so ttyl world. Call me, we'll get coffee. Or update and get a myspace, you losers.
.Steve |
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Once again |
August 5th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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It's just, I dont like people to think i'm just this emo hopeless romantic
even though that's what I am late at night,
when the clock strike twelve and my heart strikes right
on the money. on my running out of time.
it's almost a race to get love to get romance to get what I once though would find us all eventually. Now maybe i'm not so sure.
Now maybe there is no maybe and it's a yes, the train is in the station a million miles away and we need to run down our own tracks, bridge the continental divide of our insecurities and proceed to get what we spent our "1 A.M."s wishing we had. Now maybe we're not so sure.
Drunken hearts fluttering in the wine tour of puppy love. It seems like it's around every corner, but every corner has seven more to create a box that we cant escape until opened: Merry Christmas. Happy Birthday, Kwanza, all holidays that without love arent real but when love is made that anniversary is lost soon enough as the work isnt put forth to make it stay. And we figure that there will be more on the path, more love than we could ever handle. But as the moon rises and the sun abandons, now maybe we're not so sure.
.steve |
| 130 hit(s) |
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Benwidgeon |
July 18th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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Moderate Update written in haste for the sake of a friend:
I have been reading the new Harry Potter. Had it for two days, i'm about done. I could have finished it two nights ago like scott, or yesterday like gina, but I'm taking my time.
I've been torn between writing and reading though. I dont want to risk interference but I doubt our story is similar enough to have that problem.
Had some interesting talks with people lately as far as how things are going to be come School. Apparently, as it is for me, everything is falling into place for a lot of my friends. And except for the fact that i'm polluting my head with unreasonable thoughts of relationship and girlfriend issues (neither of which are any imperative need as of the moment), i'm doing quite fine.
Why rush and get things ready when it'll work out. It seems once you graduate you take a nice big swig of luck and set off to take over the world.
And, once again I need to state: I have very little to do this summer until I get a job so I'm free to hang out most of the time people. Even if it's just going out for coffee.
.Steve
*p.s: about the title....thats what we've come to call Royer's little brother now that everyone is reading the new HP. |
| 113 hit(s) |
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You load 16 tons |
June 23rd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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Anything more and she'll ruin the moment.
Any thing less and she'll break free and fall
So cue the figure riding the edge,
cause another few lines and she's fooling them all.
Another little ditty about something I'm not sure I understand. I guess you can take that one how you wish. Thats what I like to do. I write not to pen my own life, but to make something that will mold into someone else's life so that they'll understand me just a little bit better.
Sidenote: I got a haircut today. Much more apropos for summer.
Also: I was getting spammed comments in some of my old entries. A little annoying. So you now have to be logged in to comment. Sry for the inconvenience.
.Steve |
| 141 hit(s) |
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Beans = Spilled |
June 18th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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I'm not gonna live my nights in anguish. swooning is a waste of gas, and my tanks are running low. I used to desire the hollywood reel of what's real. And I've realised I talk in the past a lot. I envision everything once it has already happened. Hell, even things that never happened that i've "moved on" from. I'll get it out and straight. I've had feelings for people that I don't think I believed would pan out. A little hint, if you've ever thought to yourself "Steve acts as if he likes me as more than friends" or anything with me flirting, it's probably smart to assume you were right. Some more obvious than others, but I did have my share of unrequited love in school. It's easier to have a desire when I know it is impossible, and dont bother asking why. Oh and it is not just me. People are at a point where sleeping around is no longer the standard. Waiting for love, longing for companionship, a desire for emotion is now the cliche we've embraced. Hell, that's about as clear as it gets. We never know what we want, and since I cant bring myself to be completely honest with others, even though i'm probably only a few points of careless above naming names, it's about time to end the Doogie Howser soliloqy. I never loved, but somehow I lost? I guess thats a good way to sum it up. Sometimes folding is the only way to come out of a hand with some money left in your pocket. |
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Jill made a query |
June 17th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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If you could be any character from a book you've read, who would you be and why?
Ok, so I dont know if this counts, but I would be a young man named Cody. He's in a story I wrote that I work on from time to time. Besides the obvious fact that he is in essence an extension of some of my beliefs and feelings, I especially love the fact that his story is unfinished.
.Steve |
| 125 hit(s) |
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I'm Abel |
June 5th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
So. One week of what they call 'the rest of my life' done. And let me tell you, I'm slowly getting more and more bored. So what do I do? I sit at my PC all the time until I get bored with the entire World Wide Web. Then I go play some videogames. I need to go get a new book. And I might as well drop off an application whilst I'm at it. I cant decide where but I need/want a job. Anywhere except the Analytical Group. Other than that, my life is starting to shape up both exactly how I'd figured and nothing how i'd expected. And now that everyone is going out of town looks like I'll need something to do.
.Steve |
| 117 hit(s) |
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The suns gonna rise in a mile |
May 24th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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All Done.
Graduation @ 7 tomorrow. |
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Feel Good Ink |
May 13th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
Give it up, tonight is the last night for thanks and applause. In too short of time the curtains close, no more parking, no more stale fries and greasy pizza. No more 4-wall shelter and florescent ceilings. The window-less obscurity that formed who we'll be while at the same time protecting us from what we shouldnt is gone. The rundown goes as follows: Breakfasts, Yearbooks, Ditch-days and Prom's are all on limited rental. Return the day after, unmarked and ready to re-use. And last but not least is the A-Z that isnt really A-through-Z but more A-to-Z in an instant, skipping what we assumed were 24 of our best times waiting to happen.
Hats in the air, we'll tassel our dreams and reign them in, or so we're told.
.Steve |
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Yes Children.......... |
May 8th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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....was a blast. |
| 124 hit(s) |
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It's that time again. |
May 7th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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Prom.... |
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