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203 - Dear World...again |
November 11th, 2008 @ 11:29pm |
Listening to: Looking Down the Cross - Megadeth
As much as I hate complaining about anything, its beginning to affect me that I can never get anything out.
First off I'd like to mention how much of a screw up I apparently am. Firstly, I can't seem to do anything right by my parents, by my little amount of friends, by my co-workers or just anybody in general. Secondly, I don't seem to be going anywhere in particular. Probably just die. Thirdly, and lastly, and definately least important, my incredibly bad luck with women.
And I know that right now you're thinking all I do is bitch because I'm lonely. Well, is it so wrong for a guy to want companionship? Is it so wrong to not want be lonely anymore? I know I won't find a decent girl for a long time, but that doesn't change the issue that I am completely and utterly alone.
Why do you think I'm so angry and bitter and cynical all the time? I am the shoulder to cry on guy. People come to me all the time with their problems and junk because I'm apparently a good listener. Well, it's high time I need someone to listen to me instead of bitching at me. But nooo...people can't take it upon themselves to listen to me at all.
I'm nobody. I could die tomorrow and nobody would give a flying fuck. There, I said it. A few crying family members but that's really about it. Do you think anybody at work would notice? Nope. Anybody else from anywhere? Nope.
And those who do know me think I'm a jackass. People tell somebody in confidence what I may have told them, and it spreads like wildfire. And soon stories become twisted into rumours, and then everybody gets it in their head that I'm some worthless sack of shit that isn't worth their time.
Now at this point half of me wants to just end my life, while the other half wants to kick down their front door and scream in their face.
But that's my problem I think. People assume that I'm an asshole merely because of what somebody heard. Has anybody ever come up to me to find out if the stories were true? Nope. So a seed of dislike and hatred is planted, and soon it spreads like a virus to everybody else who hears the story.
But its not like anybody will listen to me at all. They smile through their teeth at me whenever I walk by, and curse me behind my back for reasons they don't have a fucking clue about!
FUCK!
I am sick and fucking tired of all this Goddamned bullshit!
I wish I could line every one of those people and punch them in their fucking teeth. Maybe after I knocked some sense into them they'll actually take their heads out of their asses and see me for who I really am.
I shouldn't be so Goddamned angry. I shouldn't be so cynical. I shouldn't delight in destruction and chaos. I shouldn't want to punch everybody in the face. But then again, that's what I apparently need to do to get noticed at all in life anymore.
But with so many harsh and ignorant people around, it often makes me seriously consider seclusion. Like moving away to some boring little town where no one knows me so I can keep to myself and cut off the rest of the world.
The world doesn't care about me, so I shouldn't have to care about it.
Its hard to admire anything anymore when I just don't care. I simply do not care anymore. That's it.
That's all.
Until people start giving me some Goddamned respect, which I strive to earn, I just don't care.
That's it.
That's all. |
| 46 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
Am I Evil?
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202 |
October 29th, 2008 @ 10:16pm |
Listening to: The End Has Come - Ben Moody
Feeling: forgotten
Took from me all that I had
Left my soul and spirit dead
Killing everything in me
What is one used to be three
Now to drive away the pain
I'll destroy all I disdain
I'll become what I despise
Living someone elses lies
(Don't ever back down)
Don't ever back down
Don't ever turn around
My end has come
So now I come for you
Now obsession rules my mind
This commotion makes me blind
Searching out who ever runs
Or has stolen from life
But I'm already dead.
Don't ever back down
Don't ever turn around
My end has come
So I come for you
Ahhhhh
You took my everything
I'll take your dying breath
I can't feel anything but
I've come to see you to your death
A new heart within me
It might be just as quick
Through your tortured expense
'Cause I won't back down
Don't ever back down
Don't ever turn around
My end has come
So now I come for you
(Don't back down)
I'll drive you down
I'll beat you to the ground
My end has come
So now I come for you
Don't back down!
"The End Has Come" - Ben Moody
11:03 PM
Ugh.
'Nuff said.
I'm madly in anger with the world. I realize I ripped that off from a REALLY bad Metallica album, but the truth is the truth.
I hate people.
'Nuff said.
Not like anybody is gonna ask anyways.
But whatever. I don't even care anymore.
I'm finding it hard to care about anything anymore.
Except maybe my cats. They haven't done anything to piss me off.
...yet.
Whatever.
I don't even know what to say right now. There's way too much to type out. If I even got a good chunk down here, you'd be up until next week reading.
But its not like I can talk to anybody about anything either, because of my apparent lack of friends.
What the hell is with that anyways? Sure I talk to people, but they all end up going two-faced on me.
But anyways. Before I get myself started I'm leaving. |
| 17 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Am I Evil?
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201 |
October 23rd, 2008 @ 10:32pm |
Turn up my collar,
Welcome the unknown.
Remember that you said,
One day you'll walk alone.
"Addicted to Chaos" - Megadeth
They dedicate their lives,
To running all of his.
He tries to please them all,
This bitter man he is.
Throughout his life the same,
He's battled constantly.
This fight he cannot win,
A tired man they see no longer cares.
You labelled me,
I'll label you.
So I dub thee Unforgiven.
"The Unforgiven" - Metallica
11:19 PM
Well, Not much as changed.
Things with Carolyn are still great. We still talk all the time, and I'm not complaining. Gotten way closer, and she even wakes me up in the morning before she goes to class.
Granted I fall asleep right after. Heh. Usually anyways.
My buddy Brandon from work calls her my girlfriend anyways, even though she's not. But I'm fine with it either way.
But I dunno. Going through a lot right now, but I'll not ramble on about it because quite frankly, I don't think anybody cares. I might be wrong, but nobody has ever stopped to ask me how I'm doing, so whatever.
I could care less.
Doesn't matter. |
| 20 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Am I Evil?
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200 |
September 22nd, 2008 @ 10:15pm |
Listening to: The Unforgiven III - Metallica
Feeling: unstoppable
10:59 PM
Wow.
So a lot has definately changed since the last time I updated this damn thing.
One thing for sure, is Sam definately doesn't care about me anymore. Heh. Saw that one coming, but whatever.
Things with Carolyn are amazing.
I'm definately CRAZY about her, and she knows it too, because some guy from work told her flat out while I was talking to her. So there was no avoiding it.
But I don't care.
Like, I don't even know what to say. I am so head over heels for this girl that it's not even funny. And she likes me. A lot!
Told me herself, which was amazing.
Told me straight up she liked me a lot. Definately just made my day, and week.
And since she found out, we've been talking pretty much non-stop. Like, we just keep talking. I've never talked this much with anybody before. It's incredible.
She wants to date me too. But she doesn't want to rush things, because things for pretty messed up for the both of us when we rushed things. So we agreed to take things like we are now, and we'll get together at the right time.
Like...she makes me feel like I could take on the world and win. Like I could just spread my arms and soar.
And I haven't felt this way about anybody in a long time.
But before I start rambling on and on and on...I think I'll just leave it at that.
More updates as they come.
Hah. Not like anybody reads this anyways. |
| 74 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Am I Evil?
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199 |
September 13th, 2008 @ 10:10pm |
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?
The Shadow knows!
- The Shadow
10:52 PM
Well, it surely is amazing how fast things can turn around for me.
There I was, thinking I had a sure shot with Jen, when my demon Ex starts to tell me that Jen is annoyed with me. And also starts picking at me because of some other stuff I have no control over, namely stuff my parents do.
So Kayla won't talk to me anymore, and neither will Jen.
So I went from being reasonably happy, with a few friends to being completely and utterly alone again.
But Kayla and Jen are gone. Out of my reach.
And the night I heard about Jen being annoyed with me, I came to a conclusion.
How many times do I try to reach out and my hand gets slapped, that I just stop trying? Not really sure. I know now that if somebody wants me, they're going to come to me. The last two times I made the effort I got shot all to hell, and now I'm all alone again.
The hell with it.
But almost as quickly as Jen and Kayla removed themselves from my life, two new girls placed themselves back into their positions.
I didn't put them there either. They both just showed interest in me.
Carolyn and Sam.
Carolyn I actually met in sorta a humourous way. While I was working she had to cover the greeters at the store, and it was raining out. And as I was filling out my paperwork for the hour, she made a comment about the stupidity of people when its raining, and the stupidity of people in general. So we started talking, and found we had a lot in common. So I guess I kinda like her too, but I'll be damned if I know how she feels about me.
But who knows.
Sam I already knew from work, but got to know better recently. We were talking at Kayla's party, and recently she's been inviting me to all these parties and junk. I really have no interest in parties of any kind. But today she told me about some party and asked if I wanted to go. And earlier she told me I was going to go to some halloween party as a pimp, and she was going to be my hoe.
Yeah right.
Not a chance in hell.
So it seems like she's interested, but like before, I don't have a damned clue how she feels about me.
But whatever.
I'm not worried about it.
But I'll probably just end up going my own way, the way I always do. Sporting the trenchcoat, with the collar flipped up and walking against the wind. |
| 30 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Am I Evil?
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198 |
September 2nd, 2008 @ 9:42pm |
Listening to: Last Rites/Loved to Deth - Megadeth
And now I'm down below,
And what do I see?
You didn't go to heaven,
You're down in hell with me.
And now you're coming back,
Begging "baby take me please!"
I really think I would,
If you weren't such a sleaze.
I loved you once before,
You kept me on a string.
I'd rather go without,
Then take what you would bring!
"Last Rites/Loved to Deth" - Megadeth
10:30 PM
Man I'm bored.
And incredibly tired from work.
I wrote and tabbed out an entire song tonight. I was going for something that sounded fast and thrashy, with lots off riffs and stuff, and I think I did well. I'm going through the process of putting lyrics to it, and I have some written out so I'll have to see how that goes.
Been thinking a lot about Jen and Kayla too.
I went to a party at Kayla's place on Sunday night after work, because everybody told me that she wanted me to go and stuff. I ended up going after working a 12 hour shift, so I was tired when I got there. But I got a hug when I showed up, and she talked me a little bit, and I got a hug when I left, but the rest of the time I was standing around left to mingle among a huge amount of people I didn't know and have never met. And will probably never see again. It was irritating that so many people said she wanted me to go so she could see me but I was almost completely ignored, she flirted with my friend and was cuddling with some jackass before I had enough and left.
I hate people.
Then there's Jen. I like her and she likes me and she calls me all the time and she said she missed me yesterday. Just through observation, I've noticed that Jen and I have way more in common, so I think the choice seems obvious.
Now everybody is asking me if Jen and I are dating yet.
Gah.
Who knows. |
| 58 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Am I Evil?
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197 |
August 30th, 2008 @ 9:01pm |
Listening to: Rattlehead - Megadeth
Feeling: dark
There's someone back in the shadows,
You feel though you can't see his eyes.
He'll bash your head if you cross him.
Ain't quite your average guy.
Don't wear no leather to "fit in"
Don't wear no spikes to be "cool"
Ain't no woman beside him,
Frying, annihilating you.
"Rattlehead" - Megadeth
10:00 PM
'Nuff said.
Spent the day with Jen. Turns out she's not so confusing as I thought. And it seems I've got a decent chance.
Decisions, decisions.
Oh well. |
| 35 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Am I Evil?
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196 - Reason to Believe |
August 24th, 2008 @ 11:17pm |
12:04 AM
Well, I've been given a reason to hope I guess.
To end the confusion, because reading over the last few entries I even confused myself, not leaving girls names and junk when I was rambling on like an idiot.
Oh man...
So the one I was really confused about is Jen.
And the one I wanted to rip the guy's face off for intending to ruin my chances' name is Kayla.
First off, I doubt things are getting anywhere with Jen, so I dunno what more to say about that.
But Kayla...
Kayla seems genuinely interested in me. Me! That's incredibly rare. The scruffy, long haired dark moody guy who looks angry all the time.
I hung out with her and her friend the other day, and Kayla had to leave for a few minutes, so her friend started asking me all these questions, and the conversation went as follows:
Friend: So do you like Kayla?
Me: Yes.
Friend: Do you, like like her?
Me: Well, yeah. If you hadn't noticed already.
Friend: Well, I think she likes you too. She talks about you ALL the time.
Me: Really? Well, that's encouraging. (smile)
Friend: Don't blush or anything. (laughs)
Me: Well, that's the best news I've heard all week.
Friend: Well, definately ask her out or something!
And that was pretty much it, because Kayla came back right after that.
But it was the most encouraging news I've heard in a looooooooong time.
And just knowing that, and being able to talk to her as often as I do, just makes me smile. And I haven't really had a smile like that in a while.
But yeah.
Don't feel so lonely.
Don't feel so bitter.
I still do, to an extent.
But that's just me. |
| 28 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Am I Evil?
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194 - What's the point? |
August 20th, 2008 @ 12:18pm |
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A tout le monde,
A tout mes amis.
Je vous aime,
Je dois partir.
"A Tout le Monde" - Megadeth
1:16 PM
What's the point?
If nobody loves you...
And they're all out to get you...
What's the point?
Would anybody miss me if I was gone?
Doubt it. |
| 26 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Am I Evil?
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193 |
August 13th, 2008 @ 9:34pm |
10:32 PM
Zero or Die t-shirt, black jeans, trench coat and steel toed boots.
Who knew that combined they could frighten stupid teenagers.
I like scaring stupid teenagers.
=) |
| 18 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Am I Evil?
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