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mind |
January 2nd, 2009 @ 8:47pm |
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I am almost constantly living inside of myself, even when I am around other people, even around my family. Its like I will only see the real world when I feel the need to reach out and fix it, when I see the tears in a friends eyes or the melancholy that slips across my dad face when he sees me.
I havent lived a good life, I often wallow in selfish fear and denial, drinking only to soothe myself to sleep and demanding full attention from my patient husband.
I feel like I am alone alot, even among friends and family. I know that it is my fault, that I cut myself off from their emotional presence in order to conserve my own empathic energy.
I am an empath, though it took me years to realize it. They call it a crystal aura, that I suck in everything around me. I think that this is what initially caused me to remove myself from reality. Reality hurts to much, and it is hard to understand why the world is hurting you, especially when you are only a little girl. I think that this is also what caused me to turn to dumbing down substances, well that and the fact that I have seen my mom do the same thing my entire life. When I am high, or drunk, I cant feel any emotion, let alone other peoples.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldnt who I am, that I am meant to do greater, heroic things. I feel like I am trapped in this body, in this life, and there is no way to escape unless I die. And I wont die. I wish I could express everything that is inside of me, I wish I could free the fireworks that are continually resting in my soul. I cant though, I havent found a way to rid myself of the intense emotion I feel all the time.
I dont mesh well with others. I came to this realization while I was with my family this past week. I just dont belong in groups. |
| 30 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
amen
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