Breakdown. the title is exactly what's happening to me right now.

I haven't cried in a while. I used to cry all the time before, but lately i have been optimistic and preparing myself for the great amount of work i will have to face in a while. I've been going to Psych classes too. My teacher is a genious, and after each class i think to myself : "I can do this!." So Im not crying about my future right now, I know that i can do it. I'm crying about something else.

I hate facebook. reminds me of how much fun people have while im here friendless. Yet i have the urge to look through photos and torture myself. Why do I do this? i dont know.

I used to have two best friends. One was the person who i was the most comfortable with in my life... the other one, like my sister. Thanks to these two people i rarely felt alone, and when i did.. I could get over it really fast.

well, its not like that anymore. I am alone. and this is surreal. Im trying to convince myself that this is a dream and that ill wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine. But everyday i come to face the sour taste i felt the day before.  I dont want to be part of the crowd, I dont wanna follow masses, I dont wanna act stupid, I dont wanna be seen as the important/cool one. I want someone to care for me. I want a real friend, someone I could make my stupid comments to, Someone's shoulder to rely on. And not because Im a dependent little weak girl, but because Im a human being. I need a friend.

My heart aches. Literally.

I'm not mad at them for letting me go, Im concious of the reality of the world. Im mad at being pathetic. Im mad for not finding anyone. Im mad for being different. I am different.

I feel like im worthless, if I died tomorrow, noone would care.

shit.

Im so tired of this. Im tired of being a fucking loner. AM I THE ONLY ONE who doesnt have ANY friends? Im sure im not that boring! .. Im 18, shouldnt i be going out to enjoy life like my little sister does? but i dont. I have zero future, im stuck here.. my "youth" is fading away.. i hate HATE this shit! i hate this country!!!!!!!!!! but mostly i hate myself.

I'm crying so much right now. i think the worst pain is the one that comes after screaming to the world how you feel and not being heard. or even worse. not being understood.

great. my life could not get any better. and of course im being sarcastic. Turns out that my little sister thinks that at 14 it is ok to show up at her house at 5:45 in the morning. i feel like punching her in the face every time i see her. she's a brat that doesnt care about anyone but herself. shit. you know the worst part of all? i have to share rooms with the little demon. and she snores loud as fuck.ahh.

i hate myself right now. and always. why cant i do anything right.

im so inscure. so stupid!! im a mess!!

 Por que ya no estoy aqui, mori,

mori el dia que te fuiste asi de mi, no estoy

camino por las calles sin pensar,

oigo sin escuchar,

abrazo sin sentir,

soy el unico muerto que puede caminar

Por que ya no estoy aqui.

R.I.P I love you dad, always will.

Its 2 am. I mentioned that in the title, right?

I would go to sleep but i dont have to do anything tomorrow anyway. Gosh, my life is a waste. am i the only one?

I want to do something remarkable.

Jump from a plane, visit Paris, Help children in Africa, Be a best friend to someone, Give myself to someone, feel complete. feel like im DOING something.

or something as simple as take a walk on the beach.

i want to feel that exitement ... i want to feel alive! damn it.

I went to Church today. I thought it was cool. The first time i went and i saw styven i thought he was the most becautiful boy i had ever seen. now.. well.. after several "hints" of i-will-never-like-you-back, he is whatever to me. I just think Love is not for me. I know, I know, it sounds so cliche "Love is not for me" but really....i think i havent met the guy who will feel like im the prettiest girl for him.. i just dont think anyone can fall in love with me, u know? I have had a really peculiar love life. Before though, it wasn't that bad. I had no problem finding a boyfriend. But now its different. I am different. shouldnt i be "prettier" since im not 16 anymore, but 18? i dont know... nowadays the concept of beauty is pretty messed up. A girl needs to be like a D cup to be acceptable lol. and girls are sooooo manufactured.. its not funny anymore. I think,  people should stick to the old fashioned beauty. A girl with brains, a nice personality, and the capability to distinguish between Suspense and terror movies.

who knows..

soo.... I'm laying down on my bed, a typical wednesday night, nothing interesting.. blehh.. except OF COURSE the lovely music that lifts me from reality and takes me to a forever perfect world. anyway. I was listening to a Joshua Radin song when i decided to write something about Joshua Radin on my fb status. like two min later.. BOOM BAM POW a super famous girl who's running for Miss Universe commented on my status! yey ahahhahaha im so pathetic for being this exited.. :D

ok.. i just had to let it out hahaha

anyway

IM glad im not feeling depressed like yesterday.. im starting to think i might be bipolar or some shit.. hopefully not!  :S

and I think im going to Church tomorrow.. i love going to Church.. but idk, sometimes...

and  I have school... UGH why do i go anyway? haha

oh yeah and GUYS ARE ASSES. period

peace <3