|
copy and pasted from facebook, cause i'm lame like that |
Friday, January 2nd |
|
20 things about me
- i have an ear fetish (preferably cold ears)
- i consciously set low standards for myself and yet, at the same time, i subconsciously set high standards by constructing pleasurable situations in which i place myself, although the probability of them actually occurring is extremely low. day dreaming can be dangerous and i believe it contributed to the inconsistency and imbalance in my life. i swear, sometimes i become delusional.
- i wish i was black
- i can finally appreciate being part of a large family. ( four brothers and four sisters)
- i am already bored of this
- i'll steal your food when you're not looking.
- i am terrified of clowns and laybugs
- i analyze myself too much. everything, in general, is dissected and examined. it's a bad habit.
- i sleep with the lights open, yes, really.
-i have this naive idea that a new diary/journal means a new start for cristina. it never does. also, i like to believe that if the cover of the notebook is nice and fancy, everything written in it will be eloquently expressed.
- i went through a really bad nervous/mental breakdown this semester. it was scary at the time, but i can't help but laugh about it now.
- i hate dogs. they're spastic, annoying and bipolar. most of them are ugly looking, too.
-"look what i can do!", i love stewart from mad t.v
- i have social anxiety
- i want to be independent! i am impatient to move out, not because i dislike my current home situation, but because i ache for this experience.
- one of my goals is to write something decent and long that does not involve me.
-i always have naked dreams! dreams in which i am naked and am completely comfortable with it, and then, out of nowhere, realize that i am naked and panic! it's really strange. the dreams always occur in the strangest places, too. sec three biology class?
- once, i got into a fight with my boyfriend, and i bought a stuff animal elephant and told everyone that the elephant would replace my boyfriend. i took the bus and train with the elephant and hugged him the whole time. the day after, i went to cuba, and did the exact same thing on the airplane.
-the previous story was not really worth mentioning, but i am running low on other things to write.
- i'm addicted to solitaire and other card games. oh, i learned how to play crazy eights when i was four!
- today, i can safely say that i am content. love is all you need. |
| 37 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Wednesday, December 24th |
Listening to: helter skelter- beatles
i like writing in this diary the best. even though some of my saddest memories are in here.
i do not have anything to say and nothing is bugging me besides my feet odor (i worked a nine hour shift and walked an hour in really cold weather and rain, okay! don't judge). i am so repulsive. yes.
edit:
Nathalia says:
i don't know if you are there, but whatever it doesn't matter. yesterday was kristen's birthday at this place called clydes and i was hoping to see you. actually, i went just because i thought u were going to be there. hahhaha i found joe and it was nice, he told me about a naked party you guys went to, and about your lovely rack. hahahahaha uhmmm, i really really miss you and MERRRY CHRISTMAS, my friend.
i really do bring this upon myself. people, for some odd enough reason, like me and enjoy my company. and although i complain and dwell about being lonely, i always end up stiffing people and hermitting myself in my room. i only make the effort to go out when i know i am going to get trashed or laid. i should have responded to her instant message, but i feel so ashamed for having neglected our friendship for two years.
edit2:
i am nervous about going to ryan's place. i have butterflies and my whole body is drenched in sweat. there is also a knot in my throat that is swelling up by the minute. i had an allergic reaction to benzoyl peroxide, i broke out really badly on my cheeks and my face is extremely dry. i feel and look like shit. i really am not looking forward to meeting ryan's extended family and his aunt's friends. i want to stay in bed. |
| 59 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Sunday, December 21st |
Listening to: sunday- sonic youth
i have this naive belief that a new diary means a new start.
it does not and now, i don't know what to do with all these entries posted in four different diaries. i feel a bit scattered. i've been playing with the idea of leaving sit, and just sticking to pen and paper. it won't happen, but it's a thought that keeps on coming back to me. |
| 21 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
life is, love is |
Wednesday, December 10th |
|
I made a playlist of happy songs. it consist of
mellow mood- bob marley
sunshine-atmosphere
days like these-cat empire
daylight-matt and kim
what i got-sublime
amongst others.
i am glad to be alive. i urge all of you to listen to one of these when you feel down, things always perk up. i assure you. |
| 30 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Monday, December 8th |
|
i decided i will enroll for night classes next semester. i can work during the day and i need the extra cash. i probably won't be able to handle going to school full time, anyways. i'm thinking of applying into fine arts next fall. i am unsure. cegep is consuming so many of my years. egh. but why am i in such a hurry? i should enjoy this. take it slow. i realized my birth date and location have benefited me. i will be starting university at 19 and would have already spent four post secondary years. |
| 10 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Monday, December 1st |
|
my favorite love song is mellow mood, by bob marley.
|
| 12 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
wet sand |
Tuesday, November 25th |
|
i really wish silka had never mentioned that evan and her played this song while fucking.
now, every time i listen to it, my mind is disturbed by that vivid image she described. |
| 26 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Tuesday, November 18th |
|
Oh my god, I have all the time in the world and nothing to complain about!
Really, my life is going swell. I have amazing, caring friends. Decent relations with most of my siblings. A boyfriend who puts me up on a pedestal and worships me. My creativity has finally made a return.
And thanks to sitdiary, I have four diaries I can spill my guts to. Each one has a different purpose, and will help me deal with my multi personalities and manic moods. |
| 18 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Monday, November 17th |
|
-Scott, I really don't want to see you naked! Please come out.
-Mmmh imz hmmm anj iciciclllllle.
- I'm not going to sleep until you come out, you're going to get sick! You've been in there for nearly two hours.
My ear is pressed against the bathroom door, and I am trying my best to hear what he is mumbling. The genie from Aladdin is singing in the living room, while Ravi Shankar is playing his sitar in Mason's room. The clash of music and my state of mind make it harder to understand the words that stumble out of his mouth. High from the combination of "happy pills" and marijuana, I am trying to convince a guy who consumed the equivalent of seven beer pitchers, to come out of the bathtub and throw some clothes on. It is six a.m and I ache for sleep. How did I end up in this situation?
Rewind.
I don't practice Santeria
I ain't got no crystal ball.
We sung out of tune and loudly. We chugged the last few ounces of our beers. Once the song ended, we decided to leave.
If the D.J would have played another song that struck nostalgic memories, perhaps we would have stayed. If we had stayed, we wouldn’t have witnessed Scott dry heaving, his face in a flower pot hoping to puke. If we had not seen that, I wouldn’t have gone inside to get him a glass of water. If I had not gone inside, he wouldn't have vomited on my shoes right after drinking the water. If he had not vomited on my shoes, maybe the cab drivers would have given us a ride. If we had taken a taxi, we wouldn't have walked forty minutes. If we had not walked back to Sean’s apartment, Scott wouldn't have gotten stomach cramps. If Scott had not gotten stomach cramps, he wouldn't have demanded to take a bath.
Reading over this, I noticed the negative tone I added to the story and it sounds as if I regretted my actions due to my night’s shitty outcome. Of course, I do not. I am too nice to regret. But at six o’clock in the morning, coming down a wonderful high, I am fascinated with life's timing, fate and am toying around with alternative endings. An ending that did not include the possibility of seeing Scott naked. |
| 7 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
Two Forty Two A.M |
Monday, November 17th |
|
I will not be getting any sleep tonight. I'm on my third bowl of cheerios, and almost done this bottle of red wine that tastes like dirt. I am upset that I left my pack of cigarettes at Sean's. I am in great need of nicotine.
Memo:
1. Music to transfer from old P.C
-RHCP
-Dinosaur JR
-Artic Monkeys
-Libertines
-Babyshambles
-Hole
2. Shit, I forgot what it was. And I know it was something more important than my music transfers.
|
| 6 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
in order to feel self accomplished |
Tuesday, November 11th |
|
i need to write "to do" lists. i make them, not to scratch off the tasks listed, but to feed off the "getting my priorities straight" feeling. i will probably stay seated the rest of the night, but this is what i hope to get done:
- draw figure drawings
- organize old art work, and plan when to finish pieces that remain undone
- finish reading negotiating with the dead
- look for raise high the roof beams, carpenters ( it is somewhere in the house)
- go for a one a.m jog and hope it will tire you enough to crash and sleep tonight.
thursday night to do list
-make coffee
- find space for the keyboard
- organize art work
- organize old text books
- draw at least two figure drawings
- draw the idea that came to you yesterday
i always get really good ideas for my art work, and i know i can draw it, i know i have enough skill to create it and i know it will always help improve my mood. then why do i hesitate to sit down and get it out. i have have all the time in the world, what the fuck is keeping me from doing it.
i am so tired of the symptoms of depression. i do not even feel that sad, but the drive i once had is gone.
|
| 39 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Tuesday, November 11th |
|
sleepless nights, tantrums of frustration,
all slip away when i see you.
* edit-
your inspirational beauty kept me afloat in the dark, treacherous seas of imbalance and disillusion, my dear.
samuel papineau schneiderman, you're fucking gorgeous. and you stir something inside of me. fuck, i am crushing on you.
and then there's you, and i wish our love would go stale, but you've got me by the soul to squeeze. i have never been so scared and so at ease. |
| 14 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Monday, November 10th |
|
i miss school.
i was thrilled to find a letter from dawson in today's mail. it is the course form for next semester.
this is what i have so far, and am debating if i should finalize it and give it in. either way, i'm excited to go back this winter.
Options 2:
1) Philosophy, Literature & Life
2) Photo Art and Creative Expression
3) Poem and Song
Recommended 3:
1)Computer Art
2) Printmaking Techniques
3) Animation Production
Required 4:
1) Sculpture Studio
2) Drawing and Painting Studio
3) Multimedia Production |
| 12 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Sunday, November 9th |
|
our actions were the result of too much self respect or the obvious lack of self confidence. |
| 10 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Tuesday, November 4th |
|
people used to be friendlier on this. or maybe i come off as hostile.
or maybe you can suck my left one. ♥
geeez.
today, i made plans. i sat around in my underwear doing nothing, danced for a bit, too. but inside my tiny little head, gears were finally starting to roll! i was managing how i would be productive in the future. in the past two weeks, this is the closest sign of any progression i have made. also, i made a C.V, and put the dirty clothes scattered on my floor in my laundry basket. i have not come around to washing them, but hey, it's called baby steps. |
| 39 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Friday, October 31st |
|
i've been here before. dealt the same cards and made the same bets.
|
| 22 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Sunday, October 26th |
|
feeling so unwell.
holy fucking hangover. my stomach still feels uneasy. head is spinning, and my period made a loud entrance. my vagina is bleeding! it is also very neglected. sexually, not hygienically.
it's sunny outside. today, i should do something. get out of my basement. find a solution to my subterranean blues. |
| 51 hit(s) |
(4 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Saturday, October 25th |
|
LOOK UP AND SMILE, STRANGER.
*
I logged onto my other diary, cause I wanted to write an entry, but I ended up deleting entries. Just reading a few sentences of old posts disturbed my stomach.
folgkjopermbdgsdfdfgvbdafg! |
| 17 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
silka says sorry |
Thursday, October 23rd |
|
st catherine says:
LOOK UP AND SMILE, STRANGER
silka says:
New Years day is coming. These bricks will never
move. Tried so hard to save the day,
in every way you lose.
I see how bad you're suffering
oh, let me share the sting.
Does it help you when you're down,
to know I'm listening?
The tension you express is
long and shamed and tough to bear
seems when we try to avoid,
it ends up everwhere.
Walk along the streets in tides
that stride inside our heart's dark
void.
Were neglected much too long.
Here I ask you don't act strong,
just tell me everything.
About a dream that's never ending and part time parenting. |
| 8 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Tuesday, October 21st |
|
Victoria told me about her semi semester off last winter/spring. Her counselor offered something similar to a leave of absence but for school. So she did not have to go to class, did not get any credits and did not fail. As if someone pressed a button and her school life was paused. I'd like a break right now. I can't focus, can't get out of bed. I'm going to talk to Susie, my counselor, about this. I hope my school offers this too. Honestly, I can't work at all. I have never felt so incapable in my life. I am not miserable, but I cannot pick myself up while I have my school responsibilities. Also, I really need a full time job if I want to move out next summer and I have grand traveling plans too. It will be good to take a break, find a good job, do something creative with my spare time, and work on leaving some bad habits behind.
*
Someone keeps logging me on to sit! Someone out there knows my password! Fuck man. Anyway, getting that leave was a lot harder than I thought it would be. After my appointment with Suzie, I went to the Jewish General to find a doctor I was referred to. She was supposed to write me a letter because Suzie wasn't allowed to write it since she was associated with the school. Anyway, the doctor didn't give it to me. But she did write me a letter asking my teachers to be more flexible with due dates. She informed my teachers that there will be follow up sessions with her and the slight possibility I won't be continuing my studies if I don't improve. She also gave me new drugs. Paxil. 10mg. woo fucking hoo. |
| 27 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Saturday, October 18th |
|
I need to acknowledge that fine line between carefree and happy.
[Petals of blue orchids are scattered on the surface of my bureau and on the floor around it. The plant is slouching now. The last gift of a distant love. Paint brushes soak in the same mucky water four days later. Clothes overflow in the laundry basket. Odors never escape these four walls. And a sealed box of condoms that was purchased a month ago, hides in a drawer and proves how cautious I really am. Will I be late? Perhaps.]
I care. Clearly.
I am happy.
|
| 30 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
title yourself a gravedigger or |
Friday, October 17th |
Listening to: against me!- jordan's first choice
dig hard amongst the stained bones and never rise above. |
| 23 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Wednesday, October 15th |
|
i am tearing down this fence. kicking it down with my giant feet. i don't need to avoid or deny anything because for once i will be in tune with reality. my ego defender can suck my left one. amen. |
| 23 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Tuesday, October 14th |
|
I've finished:
bubbles painting, color wheel and in class still life.
I have two more paintings to do for tomorrow! I'm so exhausted.
The one I'm working on right now is supposed to be a remake of a landscape. I was asked to change the colors and use any color harmony pattern I like. Also, I need to repeat textures.
So in my painting, the ocean is yellow, the land is purple, the sky is blue-green and the clouds are red-orange. The ocean and sky are fuzzy while the clouds and land are too smooth. In case you can't visualize it, let me tell you that it looks fucking disastrous.
I want to start over, but my sore arm won't let me. It will use its remaining strength to fight me if it has to.
* edit-
I did start over, and the second painting looked like shit. So I'm retiring for the night. I hope my teacher does not deduct marks. In other news since I last updated (two hours ago?), I voted for the first time today. Benjamin was telling me that the first year his father voted, he voted for the Ventriloquist Duck Party, one of the many absurd parties of the sixties. I was searching the net for interesting parties but there's nothing really. Besides the marijuana party, but they're kind of sad. It's funny to note that the marijuana party held O.5% of Canada's vote eight years ago. Ha, Oh man!
edit #2
Elizabeth May is the current leader of the green party. She was elected on the first ballot by 65% of voting party members on August 26, 2006. She also looks like a beaver.
copied and pasted from wikipedia! hahaha!
|
| 22 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
MOTHERFUCKER |
Monday, October 13th |
Listening to: sister nancy- one two
My temperature won't lower. Only the negative and unwanted stay constant in my life!
-
no, no, no. change is a must. i need to leave a certain negative habit behind.
BINGE EATING:
There is nothing more pathetic than swallowing 2500 calories worth of food (no dramatization) in less than two hours, and after committing that disgusting crime of gluttony, shoving two fingers down my throat, hoping I can undo it. There are no backspace keys in life. And of course, the food stays stubbornly put in my stomach, targeting the next body part it will help expand and chunk up!
The body weight is the least of my concerns,(I say this and notice I am frowning at my beer belly that is bulging out, ha). Honestly though, it is my lack of will that upsets me and saddens me. What caused this? How can I fucking sink so low? My skin is oily and reacts like a paper towel when smudged with grease; it becomes transparent. Every sandwich I grab onto acts like a mirror and holds my reflection and through my transparent skin I see my insides. Mortification takes over.
I am tired of this cycle, tired of eating and tired of my desperate efforts of purging. I know this unsatisfied hunger cannot be solved by opening the refrigerator door.
|
| 37 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Friday, October 10th |
|
My head is light. Not soft. Weightless.
I've been through the wash and spin cycle a few times. I might finally be taken out to dry. Or, maybe not. And that's alright, I'll wait until I am ready. In the meantime I'll expose my teeth and smile genuinely. I am ignoring the odd noise that escapes my heart. That impulse to ruin everything, to cause an uncontrollable shake through out my body. First, there are things I need to work on. I will come back to this entry later, and finish the list. Now it is time to shower. I am preparing to doll myself up for my sister's wedding tomorrow. I am excited, and plan on getting absolutely trashed.
|
| 29 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Thursday, October 9th |
Listening to: david bowie- panic in detroit
i beg for a glimpse of happiness. not for the sense of balance, stability it may bring. no, never. merely for the bragging privileges.
maybe, that is why i cannot hold on to anything. maybe not. i have lost my grip on what matters. who is real and who is the slippery double? lightening strikes, don't know where. mind's invasion of bodily space.
get up. get up. get up. get up. and wash your face. |
| 32 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Wednesday, October 8th |
woo.
edit
for a minute (day(yesterday)) i lost myself.
today was a good birthday. all is well.
WE SURE ARE CUTE FOR TWO UGLY PEOPLE ♥
also, I almost did something i would have regretted. i didn't and i won't...? i am so predictable when it comes down to this. thought pattern. 1,2,3. repeat. head says won't but i do. luckily (?!), i am unstable and my actions are occasionally spontaneous and they do vary from time to time. I am grateful that in the end, i decided against it.
|
| 38 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Tuesday, October 7th |
Listening to: violent femmes -freak magnet
Tu fais des bons liaisons, mais peux-tu faire des comparaisons? Continue, essaie encore, ma belle!
I just had two slices of the most disgusting pizza. The texture and stench should have turned me off, but I am a lard ass, and right now I can eat just about anything that crosses my path.
My clothes smell, and so do my socks. My hair has not been washed in three days. It is crusty from all the product I have put in it. I am so filthy and am neglecting my physical self. All I can do is laugh, because I am too busy to do anything else!
Right now, I am expanding the music list on my iTunes. Importing C.D's I borrowed. 367 songs in a day. Go girl! [I should probably get my priorities straighten out, I should paint and sculpt, but I won't, no I won't.] I am taking advantage of the extensions my teachers have given me. I should at least feel slightly guilty. [I don't and I never do. I am a cop out, a slacker and a cold hearted bitch.] But that's okay because I'm busy. And who has time to think about all this? To care about this? My mind is elsewhere and that's what I need right now, I think? [Think? Can you really? Cristina? Can't even tell who's real and who's the slippery double?]
I bit three fingernails yesterday night. All the different sizes looked strange this morning so I filed them down. At least I did not bite them all, RIGHT?!
ALSO, this morning, I realized that I had not smoked a cigarette for one whole day! After I congratulated myself and gave myself a nice pat on the back, I chain smoked half a pack and bought a blueberry muffin.
PS- DID I REALLY HAVE TO WRITE THAT FUCKING ENTRY YESTERDAY?! I FUCKING JINXED EVERYTHING.
|
| 24 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Monday, October 6th |
|
Birthday sex. A bottle of wine. Hockey tickets. BCBG dress. Gay Village. Cup cakes.
I am too busy to bite my fingernails.
And too happy, as well.
This season comes annually, but I am dumbfounded every time. Surprise! Gazing and unable to speak. Dumb, dumb, dumb like a new born child. At peace and most importantly, happy. The positive emotions that have surfaced are surreal, and all I can do is write obsessively, because fuck, I know this won't last. Scribbling down my goals, enumerating my accomplishments. I will have proof when things bite me in the ass.
aced a quiz, teachers are giving me extensions on certain assignments, pick out best of for visual diary. Five lemon devils after and I can still walk a straight line!
When I am happy, I sing out loud, and out of tune, and my intoxicated mind is soothed to sleep.
When I am happy, my fingernails grow.
Avez-vous du feu? Here you go. Merci. Enjoy. Five dollars for half a gram. Cheers. A comedian Drag Queen named Mado. Tracy Trash will pour you a shot of Sour Puss, and give you lap dance, too.
Schedule made, dress found, shoes coordinated, bills payed, cakes baked and ate, alcohol consumed and a very amazing lay. Sculpture made of clay and a painting finally coated.
I showered and now, I sit in bed. A night of nothing is planned. Maybe I'll draw a sketch. But a glass of orange jus and David Sedaris will probably be the night's highlights. The dirt that accumulated under my fingernails during the weekend is gone. And I am fighting the temptation to reunite them with my lips and teeth. I am also trying to ignore the impulse to throw everything away, again. |
| 26 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
an acute observer |
Saturday, October 4th |
|
You cannot escape from the common herd because of a silly talent. Who do you think you are?
Over possessed by bitterness and envy, I'll call it inessential, anyway. All I have is the desperate hope it will burden you one day.
My green eye is twitching frantically. |
| 32 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Wednesday, October 1st |
|
I do not binge eat and my nose is clean. Perfect posture, and oh my, I'll never bite a nail! Skin smooth and pale. No worries and no cares. I am dim but on top of my school affairs. In moderation, in moderation. Everything in moderation. I don't understand this talk of extreme and addiction. Coffee causes dehydration. Can you renew my birth control prescription? Sometime my period is unbearable, and I cannot live with a simple tooth ache. So I put sugar free icing on my cake. Procrastination? I live for the present. Later and tomorrow are too far away. I'll never waste a day. My hair is glossy and my teeth glow, but I am not that remarkable. I am humble yet confident. Pride is a deadly sin. I breathe without the long drag of a cigarette and have no need for speed. Beer is icky, may I have a cosmopolitan please? Slick, painted in red lipstick. I'll toy with boys' hearts but never with their parts. Don't make me blush. I am wearing way too much already. I do not like the taste of meat, but fish and poultry are O.K. Those animals do not have feelings anyway. I do not get scared when I think about aging. Wait, white hair and wrinkles are aesthetically unpleasant! Sure, I believe in God. Who? Yes, Jesus was a good guy, too. Death? Can it really happen to me? I am sure it is just dramatized on T.V. I'm your modern Cinderella, Belle, Snow White. Blissfully ignorant. Out of sight, and for me everything turns out alright. Calm during a howling night.
[better luck next time, darling]
|
| 42 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Tuesday, September 30th |
|
fingernails. |
| 29 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Monday, September 29th |
|
optimism or ignorance? jumping onto the same horse that threw me off.
ready? {set}tle down?
[you blew the gun, and i'm still choking on the ashes]
go? go. gone.
[thought myself better than you, and now i'm so tired, it's hard to breathe. you, you go to bed and i cannot sink. thought myself better than you.]
who needs questions when results are perfect. |
| 29 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Thursday, September 25th |
|
liquid lunch
but the piano has been drinking, not me.
-
i knew that the consequences of my summer's actions would haunt me. i am absolutely brain dead. i can't expand on any idea. i thought i was carefree, when really i was hooked on everything superficial. i knew how to consume, and to be apathetic towards everything.
and I am so sick of myself, so upset with the destructive way i treated myself and neglected myself. i am becoming physically ill. i can see it this time! my hands are trembling and my throat is swelling and my ears ache while my eyes sting.
i can not write a simple 500 word essay without feeling absolutely dim. i erase and rewrite and erase again. i can't decide upon an emotion, instead try to feel everything at the same time. it's overwhelming and i feel so pessimistic about ever recovering. i believed that things would stay okay if i played the victim, and change would magically occur one day and i'd be able to pick myself up from the slums at anytime after that.
and i don't know what i want to hear you say, but i haven't felt this disappointed in along time. what bothers me the most and embarrasses me the most is that this is all self inflicted, i feel fooled and manipulated by no one else but myself.
|
| 47 hit(s) |
(4 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Wednesday, September 24th |
|
this part of town is empty, only the ghosts of yesterday's night lurk around.
[and i can shake but i can't breathe
i take it away
but i want more and more
oneday i'm going to lose the war.]
|
| 26 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
i should |
Tuesday, September 23rd |
|
- write two journal entries
- write my English essay
- finish the body parts sketches
- do my laundry (sheets and whites)
- organize my art materials and desk
- research on Tokyo
- read the man in the crowd and Eveline
- shower and straighten my hair
I am sad and am feeling as pathetic as this list. I am hurt and for the first time I have pushed my pride aside and have started to cry without trying to blame this on anyone or anything.
|
| 39 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
our generation's cry |
Sunday, September 21st |
Listening to: violent femmes
i want something that's better than this.
and you know, i have no idea what i'm in search of.
|
| 35 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
when I grow up, i want to be |
Friday, September 19th |
3 years old- a dinosaur
5 years old- a maid/witch (broom with dual purposes)
8 years old- the first person to travel through time
10 years old- a fat wrestler
17 years old- a gypsy, with a pet goat, of course.
it seems that my dreams have always been a bit far fetched, why should i aspire for something realistic now?
i'm only this honest after a couple glasses of wine, really. tomorrow morning i'll be back to following a crumbled up paper with hollow goals. but for now, i'll enjoy the freedom that comes with this buzz.
* half hour later and i am drunk. i opened my third beer. and am eating deep fried vegetarian food. silly temporary satisfactions. this will not serve me well in an hour, and i will probably vomit. i am very glamorous, i know. |
| 49 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Thursday, September 18th |
|
don't take yourself so seriously, cunt face. |
| 35 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Tuesday, September 16th |
Listening to: white stripes
Lately it has been my ability to turn things around that keeps me impressed and motivated. i am steering this motherfucker
THINGS TO BE EXCITED ABOUT:
the slackers and danny rebel, bedouin soundclash, joe's birthday dinner, 1 $ tacos and 5 $ pitchers at carlos and pepes, rose's bachelorette party, rose's wedding, suburban lame kids, coffee and shopping at eva b, ani difranco, shopping at villages des valeurs and omers des serres, sam roberts, my birthday, mason's accoustic performance at art's cafe, ryan's birthday, wednesday ladies night at mckibbins, comic book shopping with sean, double date at pushap, dollar cinema with zoe and erin, angie's baby shower, matt costa, matisyahu, my new laptop, angie's and anastasia's delivery!
|
| 35 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Saturday, September 13th |
Listening to: slightly stoopid
2.30 am -it was more than an itch that needed to be scratched. it left me feeling emotionally secure and somewhat more confident.
edit 11:30 am-
a lot more confident, actually. for once, i underestimated what i was capable of accomplishing rather than getting way too ahead of myself. |
| 41 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Thursday, September 11th |
|
i'm having a bad week
*monday morning they'll sing
oh darlin' you're still young
grab a glass, pour a drink
['cause you know this
won't
last]
i'm breaking my
back for
ideals i can't grasp.
far out west, i still see those barriers
shine with pride and
in a hole further down,
the supermarket is in flames. the tomatoes
once so
juicy, ring. bddring bddring
monday morning,
these fingertips race with no reason,
and with no words left to rhyme
what will i sing?!
|
| 52 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
penile dysfunction? not even! |
Tuesday, September 9th |
|
i need to get laid.
yeah, really. |
| 32 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
untouchable is something to be |
Monday, September 8th |
|
I sit on the corner of St-Catherine and Peel, in no hurry to run away from the black cloud overhead. Two months ago, I remember the conditions were different.
The sky was bright and clear. But I guess in a different sense, that black cloud was still present and lurking over me. I sat on the same corner, while a vagabond with a tin jar vocalized everything I once stood for. He paid no attention to me, and I was trying my very best to do the same. As he sung and strummed his guitar, emotions I did not have the courage to recognize were beginning to surface. I didn't know this then, but I was scared to face the truth; I had adopted the ideals of the people I used to rant against! I had settled for acceptable ignorance.
When my cigarette was done, I mindlessly gave him a five dollar bill accompanied by a plastic smile, while I asked myself "What for? He's not that impressive, I know many guys who can play better than him. He'll only end up spending the money on booze. "
[I tip-toed and stretched my arm up to reach something unattainable. I could have reached forever, but would have never had it. I was lucky and fortunately was not completely numb, and felt the pain from my over-stretched arm.]
And now I sit on the same corner, merely a shadow, I think of how a stranger can leave such an impact with just his words. How a stranger can passively and calmly sit by, hoping he might capture someone off guard with a single song. And how he did.
And now I sit on the same corner, merely a cowardly shadow, unable to interfere the way he did. But more than anything, I 'd like to grab anyone and everyone who passes by, and I'd like to shake them and see the life spring into their eyes. |
| 43 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
i slipped |
Saturday, September 6th |
|
and in a moment of doubt, i yelled out loud, does anyone else fight this hard? does anyone else love this intensely that it frightens you, enslaves you then shatters you to pieces? certain that if i was not talking to myself, and instead to a crowd of a thousand people, the answer would have been no.
but i heard your voice singing in my ear, and the moment passed right by.
|
| 37 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
i would trade |
Saturday, September 6th |
my nicotine stained fingers for your calloused ones.
*I am tired of writing about train tracks I never had the nerves to cross. |
| 48 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Saturday, September 6th |
|
I was writing about my day on Thursday. But the entry was so cynical, I decided to erase it. I'm feeling too great to be pessimistic and sarcastic. All I'll say is that sometimes I can't be blamed for hermitting myself from society. People are fucking stupid, but I'll save the stories for a glum day, when criticizing others seems to be my only source of comfort.
Thursday night, I saw against me! and they were amazing. I chilled with the guys from St. Alvia and they invited me to go to Biftek after the show, so around midnight, but I didn't go because I had class early the next day.
The funny thing is that on Friday, I didn't end up going to class anyway. I took the train around noon and headed to town. Ryan, Mike, Hannah and I went for crepes, and once we were done Mike and Hannah went back to school while Ryan and I went to a park on Rene-Levesque. Around four o'clock, I dragged him shopping with me.
I bought:
- New York times crossword puzzle book (5$)
- a dress and t-shirt from urban outfitters (20$)
- a dress and t-shirt from H&M (18$)
- a t-shirt from American app. (25$)
- two pairs of tights and fishnets from a boutique on St-Laurent (19$)
After that, we met up with Hannah and Zoe. We had a picnic outside and around eight we made our way to Sean's apartment. Mason, Andrew, Oli, Spencer and Sean were there. Mike stopped by later on.
I'm officially broke, I spent my last three dollars on eight cigarettes! How ridiculous is that? Why are they so fucking expensive here? Hannah, Mason and I went three ways on a pack of Benson & Hedges that cost ten bucks. Kayla was telling me when she was in Kentucky visiting a friend, she bought a pack for 2.50. That seems so unreal to me! Anyway, I am not allowing myself to shop until November, and even then, I'll have to go to thrift shops and second hand stores, which I have no problem with.
Today, I'm going to try and catch up with my school work since I didn't go to class for two consecutive days. I have to draw a self portrait, write two reading journals and read a shit load of French. |
| 33 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Thursday, September 4th |
Listening to: the slackers
DATE: JULY 2008 --- I'm merely trying to convince you in order to convince myself. My intentions are rarely noble. |
| 44 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Wednesday, September 3rd |
|
too ugly to be a narcissist, too cautious to be selfless. |
| 45 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Sunday, August 31st |
|
I recognized all the symptoms, and diagnosed myself in less than a minute. It was a panic attack. And when I accepted it, I rooted the fear down to loneliness. When that was done, I detached myself from the emotion and focused on the present.
Place Ville Marie. I continuously catch myself going there when life gets desperate. When my thoughts get stuck and I resolve the need for any progression by chain smoking. There is movement all around in an artificial surrounding.The organic shapes colliding with the squares and lines that shine. But in the distance, I can see there is always that mountain that stands tall, strong and solid, with a cross that continuously glows at its peak. |
| 58 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Friday, August 29th |
|
it was not greed, and we were not money-hungry, just literarily starving. because when coffee, wine and cigarettes are at the top of our our shopping list (way before any substantial food), we were bound to cave and find decent jobs. |
| 60 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
All you need is |
Thursday, August 28th |
|
I lust and I obsess and I desire and I need and I want and I crave and I plead.
but do not know how to love.
scribbled on a piece of a paper in front of him because the confession was too heavy to escape my mouth.
C: you don't need a bipolar love. Because this is what I am; manic and unsure. I don't trust my own emotions.
R: I don't doubt myself and I am sure of you. If you don't know, I will be there while you figure it out. While you grow the confidence to trust yourself. I will be there with you and I am not letting you go. until you are a hundred percent sure that you do not love me.
I am feeling so strong. So dependent. It has always been part of my routine to check my horoscope at the beginning of every day. And only today did I realize what a ridiculous habit it is. I am not naive, and I never believed anything it had to say, but it might have had the slightest subconscious influence on what I thought about my day. I was supposed to have an awful day. Instead, everything went so smoothly. Every song I heard played at the appropriate time, all was in place, everything I said was right. Everything he said was perfect. Walking down St Catherines, the sunlight yelled, the traffic was blinding, but I was safe. |
| 41 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
Bravery comes after a bottle of wine. |
Tuesday, August 26th |
|
I am back, and I am going to kick ass this time. With everything, school and work and my social life. I will find a balance. I've said this so many times, I don't take myself seriously anymore, and maybe that will be the key to my success. Really, I have nothing to worry about. I will not feed this anxiety.
I will attend these events! I can not back out.
Sean's house warming party this friday.
Betsey Johnson fashion show this saturday. Sleeping on Mount-Royal saturday night.
Tam Tams this Sunday.
Against Me! at Club Soda, September 4th.
Taylor's birthday bash September 12.
The Slackers with Danny Rebel at Le Studio, September 27.
Ryan's birthday the 3rd of October.
My birthday the 8th of October.
My sister's wedding at the Palace, October 11.
Bedouin Soundclash at Metropolis, November 24.
my classes this semester:
-painting and creative expression
-sculpting and 3D composition
-printmaking
-the physics of hollywood.
-the city (an english course theme)
-alternative fitness
-french (this is my only bad class)
I'm going to kick ass, I swear. I am steering this motherfucker.
I'm too tough to dwell! too drunk as well.
|
| 48 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
wasteland |
Monday, August 25th |
|
I am trying, I am trying.
I need you to exist, so you can see how hard I am trying and how desperate I have become.
I depend on these extreme lows. I will not feed my mind. Dear God. |
| 31 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
I live my life and then I'm dead |
Sunday, August 24th |
Listening to: left over crack
As I killed it in the ashtray, I thought of how urgently I wanted it a minute ago and what it was now reduced to. How quickly a feeling for something comes and goes. One minute, it's my easy access to heaven, the next I murder it, extinguish the spark as if it had never meant anything to me. It frightened me, and that evening I decided I would quit smoking. I didn't really know what it was supposed to prove, or why I was doing it. I had convinced myself that it would balance my life and that's all that I needed.
To keep me from lighting another (I still hadn't thrown my pack away), I looked inside the black ashtray that blazed from the sun above it. I had long ago admitted that I only smoked to preoccupy my time, to distract my anxiety. If that was the case, I'd have to find something else to keep me busy. So I looked inside the ashtray and thought of all the others who had crush and left behind these cigarette butts. Tried to create a story for each and everyone. Examined the butts to find out what label they smoked, hoped it will tell me who they were and where they came from. The only real hint I got was the occasional lipstick smudge on the filter. And that only indicated the sex. My investigation was going nowhere and my imagination was off somewhere else. I got bored fast, but stayed loyal to my decision, I would not pick up another cigarette.
Trapped in a web of sheets hours later, the same panic took a hold of my body and mind. My lids buzzed, and getting any shut eye did not seem likely. Half hour ago, I had surrendered to the fingertips of a man, over estimating how much I needed everything else that followed. I didn't feel the usual satisfaction that comes after sex. The post orgasm tingles were replaced by a frozen numbness. And once again, I wondered how scary it is when a strong feeling for something comes and goes. I wanted so badly to control every single aspect, every single emotion and action. I hoped to win this battle of instability. I considered going straight edge, and cutting sex from my life. After sex, alcohol, codeine, caffeine, I decided to end some of my other habits and finally, some relationships, as well. I planned it all out in my head, but managed to stop myself before the chain of thoughts became too extreme. How many more things would I have to restrict myself of ? I would have denied myself a life for a strange sense of balance. Given it up for control.
Either way I live this, the end is always the same and inevitable, and that is the scariest part.
|
| 38 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
Heard, seen, vandalized. |
Saturday, August 16th |
|
Five stars and five hearts indicate that you will have great luck with love today. The paper told me how to behave today.
"tuez la police" - riots in north montreal
"do not adjust your mind, there's a fault in reality."
"Teach yourself ignorance."
"Hey mighty brontosaurus, don't you have a lesson for us?"
IS ANYBODY ALIVE IN HERE?!
Nobody but us in here. |
| 54 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Saturday, August 9th |
|
On some train rides to work, I still dream about being a crack whore.
*disclaimer- i was never actually a crack whore, but my head thinks of the possibility every time I remember that I have a boring and dull life full of safe choices. |
| 51 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Friday, August 8th |
I can't stop thinking about what I might be missing out by staying. I am trapping myself, creating invisible barriers with my thoughts. I don't know what to expect from reality because I've been living in a desperate delusion. I can't decipher what I feel; between true, raw emotions and physical needs, bodily commands.
I'm going to write a long list of things to do this weekend to keep myself distracted.
He's away, so who knows, I might actually (and finally) scratch off a task from my list. |
| 44 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
I. |
Wednesday, August 6th |
|
A day's worth of reflecting, and I realized that I was confused and I over credited myself. For two years I believed I was dedicated. In reality, I was just too scared to budge. |
| 51 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Friday, August 1st |
|
What the hell are you doing here? And, where are you going?
Although I ask you this, I'm hoping it will help me answer something bigger.
get a grip you self-centered bitch. |
| 41 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
Topsy Turvy |
Saturday, July 26th |
|
My lungs are still empty. The air around me is not worthy. Consequently, I am physically trapped. The mind has nothing to do with this.
Magical Thinking.
Blood vessels have been popping in my eyes for the past three weeks, but I feel that if I try hard enough I can stop them from popping. Out of everything in my life, this is definitely not beyond my control. |
| 43 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Saturday, July 26th |
|
I'm constantly narrowing this issue down. Every month there is a new conclusion and as for now, I'm blaming it on my fear of boredom, and an obsession with keeping myself distracted so I won't have to think about my death.
|
| 37 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Thursday, July 24th |
|
Do I really want to get into this?
I'll stay selfish. yes, yes, yes.
eat shit. |
| 41 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Wednesday, June 18th |
|
thoughts stuffed in pockets.
+
[I am six years old. Sitting on pavement,looking down. Concentrated, always. An ant has been walking in a circle for ten minutes or so. This invisible shape has a tiny circumference, and the ant continues to circle it strictly. I decide to create a triangle with my index fingers and my thumbs. At the sight of my fingers, the ant begins to run around inside the fortress I have made for it. Looking for escape. Disorientated. Although I do not interrupt its wandering, it panics.]
And although I never intended on fleeing, i feel trapped when i look at the barriers. These separating structures are only visible at certain times, during certain days. I was quite fine before she told me. Numbly, thoughtlessly following a list of goals I had created on one of my better days. I know it was not part of my plan and I couldn't anyway, but acknowledging the fact that I would never take the risk is killing me.
-
and it continued to trouble me during one of my drunken hours. so I scribbled on a piece of paper:
FUCK SUMMER GOALS 2008!
I am going to become a gypsy.
summer goals #2:
- learn to pick-pocket
- practice eastern european accent
- buy a tambourine
- find a pet goat
and everything was perfect, until i began to vomit. |
| 38 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Thursday, June 12th |
|
I lay star-positioned, extended on my back. Trying to fill the void. My skin is a sponge. My pores absorb the dense air-- a mixture of perfume and tobacco smoke. The bed is moist.
Reject, accept. Scratch that, erase this. Indulge in cliches, luxuriate in self pity. the ship has sunk too deep. Laugh out loud. Egomaniac, welcome the lunacy.
The lamp on the floor spotlights a creepy crawler. It nests in a corner overhead. Nearby, its shadow is elephantine! It will eat my brain, savor my precious.
And (1) by (3) the time (8) a decent (13) thought has (19) settled in (26) there (37) it would have (53) circled (61) the room (?) countless of times. Eying (six in advantage) its juicy prey, a lavish buffet.
One will lose what he clings to the most. The unhealthy relationship I share with my mind has gone too far. Oh, I'm fucking losing it tonight.
I found this amongst the other old crumbled papers between my mattress and the frame. At this point in my life, I can not even imagine feeling this way.
a light mind, not soft but weightless. I'll get there soon. Things are dandy and i am anticipating what awaits.
|
| 36 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Monday, June 9th |
|
i witnessed the shedding of the black skin that was once wrapped around my brain.
i'm back to being dim-indifferent.
suck it.
*
Today, June 11, was the first day I left the house since I came back from Cuba.
The sky is bigger here. While I waited for the train, I found a spot in the shade and looked with fixed attention at the clouds above. I swear they move differently here. They have a destination, they travel across the blue urgently. Down below I am worthy of little regard. I'd much rather gaze at the aimless wandering in the Cuban sky, floating, swimming then goodbye.
[I have run out of persons and in desperation I chose a weak and pathetic solution and I excuse these sad feelings of insignificance.]
I guess it has not peeled completely. but it is quite alright, the cleansed part says that everything will be better tomorrow, and I know it will all pass tomorrow.
|
| 38 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
shake and bake |
Saturday, May 31st |
|
unity caused by a simultaneous eruption, expressed in moans and never misunderstood.
the tingle was frozen. my mind parted and played joyfully in the mist. blow.
i'm still floating and i'm only getting higher with a pampering experience awaiting this coming week.
yes. |
| 43 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Wednesday, May 28th |
|
The house is emptying out, half the furniture is gone and today, no one is here. I am too small for this place. I don't know in which room to settle. I mark, leave my signs all around; half finished bottles of corona and mugs covered in coffee residue. There's music blasting from each room and down in the basement it's creating an unpleasant clash. I'm also making my own music down here. Lip contact with the bottle and I'm blowing as hard as I could inside. I'm too drunk to tell if the sound is getting lower or higher as the liquid inside is slowly vanishing.
*
Mason told me he's going to B.C for cherry picking this summer. He spontaneously decided that. We were supposed to move on together. He's getting things done while I am having a drinking fest all alone. I was crying two hours ago because I drunkenly hit my head on the refrigerator while dancing to bob marley. It didn't hurt, but it gave me a reason to cry. I just got an email from Kyla, I have a position at camp this year too. It's only 9$/hr. I don't know if it is worth it. I was kind of hoping she told me I didn't get the job. I want to go cherry picking in B.C. I want to be spontaneous and exciting. I hate this struggle for order and control. I am not structured and yet I continue to tell myself otherwise. Year after year why do I go back to camp? to a job I hate? why am I drinking at noon?
My thoughts are scattered. Drunks are allowed scrambled brains. |
| 39 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
scratch the last one |
Monday, May 26th |
it was all exaggerated, over-dramatic bogus. by mid day i felt assured again.
when it is no longer twisting and turning and it appears to be straight and solid as concrete, black ink is thrown upon its(my) line. dots here and there.
|
| 41 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Sunday, May 25th |
Listening to: joy division
Others often confuse it for aggression. When he hit the chorus the escape was moving and passionate.
[oh, please]
rock the forty ounce, it's the change that counts
Whether it was from the drugs inhaled or the sing(shout)-a-long around the fire, everyone, at the end of the night, goes to bed content and high-spirited. (there might have been crack in that pipe) The attack is reserved for the morning after and it begins with a simple throat ache. Now, up/in there, the words are sung with a mocking tone.
ohh, I'm not going back. No no. oohhhh
I have something to say. I won't. I'm scared that once written it will be final. Also, I am manic so I've learned to never trust my current emotions. For now, things aren't well. |
| 39 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Tuesday, May 20th |
not even the consequence of marijuana;
i had two chocolate bars, one grilled cheese sandwich, pudding (i added whipcream and a strawberry), three coffees, two coronitas, a banana and a lot of yogurt.
i'm having a lazy unproductive day. I still feel fine.
i had planned to start packing for cuba and get some art work done. Instead, i slept and ate and i feel great.
i am steering this motherfucker. |
| 40 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Monday, May 19th |
|
copy cat sat,
sipped from her single
and only beer.
(grain by grain)
don't kiss it
lick the toad
because it croaks near.
mental picture of a brain
pinkish and greenish hue.
utter a low sound, now
i love you
said this rock
solid and defined.
copy cat sat,
hoped to dissect the mind. |
| 41 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
infinite |
Sunday, May 18th |
|
Quarter moon glued to navy velvet, stretched out from here to where?
Inside, the clock says there's nothing.
My world begins to rumble. Ground. Now Inside.
(It only makes sense for the McDonald's in central station to be open at all hours.)
My mind takes a cab drive there.
Jaundiced, twisted eyes printed on skin, smooth and bare. Stockings are loosening, falling off, and I'm feeling sleazy. Flimsily torn. Ungratefully born.
to describe it like this is not easy. |
| 36 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Friday, May 16th |
|
silka says:
I sleep inside a golden head, I wait for it to die instead. This way I can just play pretend.
I watched you walk away.
I steer the wheel to where I've felt
The sunny side or crayons melt
Either way the taste is stale
Your legs are crossed
And i feel pale.
I walk into a thick green moss thinking what I did and what it'll cost And in reflecting
I'm not sure why you'd think it's safe to say
go to bed,
it'll be okay.
joe says:
Drink beer to get your kicks
Slit your wrist to get your fix
Frightening reality,
Seek refuge behind your T.V
Hide behind your money
Think a little if it doesn't scare
you too much
think a little too much
and you will be
scared.
|
| 35 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Friday, May 16th |
|
He tore everything off the walls of his room and decided he would learn to play the ukulele. That's how he was starting new. Rebirth. We agreed that this summer could go either way, but together we would start new. Our motivation was the breakups. The horrible split between his girlfriend. And as for I, it was the break from my mind.
summer goals:
-continue my self-taught spanish lessons
-lose ten pounds (no shit, how unpredictable)
-create something huge [and good] that sums up the instability of this past year.
-continue Ryan's Greek lessons.
-learn to crochet,knit and sew.
-fuck depression away.
There's no doubt about it, I won't be able to do the last one. What I mean is to live with it comfortably. I will be trapped in this tiny, suffocating space for the rest of my life. But I swear I will make the most of it when I am allowed a breath of air. |
| 35 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
holy munchies |
Thursday, May 15th |
|
i just ate three and a half donuts in less than a minute.
Be impressed!
...
or disgusted, your pick. |
| 40 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Wednesday, May 14th |
|
What keeps me going is that silver haired elderly woman who reaches out from time to time. She waits for me and I long to see her. For each wrinkle a story that has helped her glow. Rocking away with tranquility in her eyes. So at ease, she smiles at Sir Death. |
| 34 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Tuesday, May 13th |
Listening to: the smiths-handsome devil
i was bored before i even began. |
| 33 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Monday, May 12th |
Through out the night, I denied nostalgia. There was no longing for return. I was supporting them and it so happened to be there. It was not worth the price, but there is so much more that happened through out the night, I won't dare complain about this. I felt yoyo-ed and caught in between all night- emotions versus situation. And now, I feel obliged to record it and I'm sure it will just turn out as a long ramble of nothingness.
No one ended up playing because of our alcohol consumption, we were then kicked off property. But, I sneaked right back in and saw people I dearly missed. George and I were talking, when I suddenly noticed a specific someone on the judge table. I started to point and get overly excited, and George casually replied to my fuss with "That's Raf, he used to play drums in my old band." I was standing next to my favorite columnist and, fuck, George knew him all along. George called him over and we exchanged a rather shameful introduction. He asked me if we met before, and I was so flattered that he would even suggest that, I started to mumble things and speak very fast (I don't remember what I said (I'm sure it wasn't an answer to his question)). But, I did make sure to let him know that I read his work weakly. In fact, I mentioned it numerous times. It was turning awkward so I decided to leave. Even if I wasn't seized by a sudden panic, I've always thought it would be weird to approach a writer. What can you possibly say? You can not treat them as a stranger because you've already had access to some of their thoughts and an insight to their life. I know authors, journalists appreciate the compliments, but where do you take it from there? Especially when you meet at a show with the worst sound system ever. There was no way I could have started a decent conversation. I'm lying, it was possible. But it is easier to say this, then to confess that I lack the socializing skills. I decided to join my friends at the park nearby. I made a quick stop at the dep to buy alcohol, and on my way I filled up the bowl and smoked. Rewind, and there are two memories that poke my mind. The peace the beautiful sunset brings while playing in the sand at the age of five. And the amusing contrast of the perfect suburbs and myself; wobbly walking with a forty in hand and the stench of recently smoked marijuana caught in the fibers of my clothing. I didn't buy cigarettes because word was that Spencer was drunk enough and had started to give his out for free. I got bored fast, and the alcohol was making me feel worst. So, I put my drinking on pause and tried to join in on a conversation. Everyone was talking about the rave they were going to that night. I was not interested, so I sat on the swing and let my legs stretch out and pull back in. High up there, I noticed how loud we were, and how we had turned into those obnoxious kids we often made fun of. I was pretty disgusted, but decided to jump off and join them anyway. I was in great need for attention. I started talking to Hannah, Sean and Mason and I felt O.K again. We began to walk to the big spiderweb and we climbed it. We made jokes and drank our beer and I felt good, happy and slightly surprised that people were really enjoying my company. I noticed Ryan had secluded himself and was lying down on a picnic table. I went to meet him and tried to be cheerful and happy. He wasn't in the mood, he was having an existential moment and I told him to let it go and come join us. He did not want to, but he didn't want to go home because he enjoyed the company. So, I told him there was no point staying if he was going to isolate himself. I left feeling quite proud that I had won the argument, and I thought he would be joining us soon enough. It didn't make sense to me what he had said, but now I understand completely. To question life in the company of other humans is a lot more comforting then questioning it in solitude. Silka and Alex played a song, and the harmony had eased me. But, when I looked back Ryan was gone. I went to go look for him, and Mike saw I was upset so he came and helped me. I gave up, but Mike continued. Silka saw that I was upset, and tried comforting me, but she made everything a lot worst. Mike found him, and I called him on his cell but he was speaking rudely, so I decided I didn't want to see him. I started to cry, and my drunken self started to say he did not love me anymore. Looking back, I know I was being ridiculous, but at the moment my whole world collapsed. The sadness turned into bitterness, I convinced myself I was better off single. He came to see me, and he was crying too. We made up, made out behind a bush. Sometimes, we get so caught up in trying to understand our own selves. We both focus so much on trying to live normally, to feel normal. Our relationship is fueled by a strenuous effort to be happy, and often enough we forget to reach out to the other, which later results in misunderstandings and confusion. At this point, I don't think we would be able to live without each other. Anyway, as we cuddled under the stars, we heard someone bawling. We went to check it out. Ben broke up with Gen, and he had left her drunk and miserable on a bench. Ryan tried to comfort her, which worked for a bit, but then he went to go find Hannah. I felt so horribly privileged in front of her. Here I was, with the rawest kind of love, and she just had her heart broken. I felt like I was eating a Dairy Queen ice cream in front of a child from a third world country. I stayed with her for ten minutes, and did not say a word. I just looked at her while she bawled. Hannah came and I left them alone. Ryan and I continued to hang out in the park, and were soon joined by Silka, Joe and Sean. The trio made me feel a lot better, until I heard Hannah and Gen yelling. Hannah started crying because Gen was yelling drunkenly and had said some harsh things about Hannah. The scene was getting too dramatic, so Ryan and I suggested to Hannah and Mike that we go eat fast food and they accepted the offer. Mason went to talk to Gen and together they yelled about their broken hearts (Cleo broke up with him two weeks before). There was no point in trying to comfort them, because at this point we were sober and they were still fuckin trashed. Reasoning with heart-broken drunks is absolutely pointless. La profondeur des malheureux. The night ended pretty well, with greasy fingers and smiles exchanged from our salty lips. |
| 38 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Wednesday, May 7th |
|
slowed down for comfort and joy.
i was hungry, hungry, hungry, and now I taste it everywhere. |
| 37 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Tuesday, May 6th |
Listening to: Against Me!
In the distance I see a mountain with a cross that glows at its peak. Sit in between squares and lines that shine. A blow of the wind, harsh breeze. Perfect, linear, even the flowers don't dare move. Stand in between squares and lines that shine. My mind demands a pause. Train of thoughts [crash!] is soon replaced by habitual chain smoking.
A need for continuity,
and a hope to unfreeze. |
| 35 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Tuesday, May 6th |
|
When will I find the strength to bring me release? |
| 33 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
notes on vision
|
|
|
Monday, May 5th |
"I wouldn't be able to cut my hair that short." That is how the conversation started. "I am too attached."
I was very annoyed because she interrupted my reading but I looked up at her and decided I liked her. Her face had beautiful features; jet black hair, thick lips and blue eyes. (I know I'm shallow and judgmental, but that's a subject to be dealt with another day.)
"I couldn't ever. I'm too attached," she repeated.
I had a hunch that this was not the end of our conversation, so I put Burroughs away. She began to speak again and I immediately took the role of her therapist, nodding with silent apprehension [as they often do.] I diagnosed her in my mind.
I guess she noticed that 30 minutes had passed on the bus ride and I still hadn't spoken, she decided to ask my opinion about her current dilemma. I told her, but she disregarded my response. I laughed in my head. I noticed how self-absorbed she was, so I appreciated her gesture anyway.
I was really drawn to her tragic life. She was a model in London but had to quit that when she was hospitalized for her anorexic lifestyle. Later, she studied nursing, art, and psychology. She had a mental breakdown when her father passed away. She had an abusive husband, and one of her ex boyfriends tricked her into moving to Israel with him. Today, she lives in the slums and refuses to work in a hospital and has given up on her art work. She is also going through a break up with her boyfriend.
She twirled her hair, and said "I'm going to be very hurt if he leaves me."
"Do you love him?" I asked.
She said, "Over the years, he grew on me. I can't tell if it was love. Perhaps it was not, but I was steady and comfortable with him... I'm going to miss our Tues | | |
