Why is feeling safe so important?
What makes us safe?
Reveal nothing. Keep quiet, they might hear you. Or rather, its devastating if they dont.
What happens when you lose yourself inside yourself?
Questions without answers. Or rather, i know the answer, i just avoid it to feel safe.
When someone destroys your safe world, you will put up walls to wrap yourself in, like a blanket you never want to unravel from.
Putting the blanket aside and leaving the warmth is so hard.
Id rather drown in myself than leave.
Or actually...would i?
I let myself out sometimes. Usually i wish i didnt.
You leave a bad taste in my mouth.
I dont understand you or your thoughts. I cant see through you and it scares me.
WHY CANT I FIX MYSELF.
God it seems so easy in words and in thought but in action its a fucking 200 foot canyon i cant jump across.
Im so scared of life but i want to dive in so badly.
Everyone says be smart about it.
how can you be when you dont have the means to?
SOMEONE FIX ME.
i cant do it.
i just cant.
im trying so hard.
oh god am i trying.
The blood calls but im ignoring the sirens.
but oh god does it turn from a call to a craving.
i cant turn off this tv running my life.
I need to see the ocean.
I need that rise of hope again
the sun warming and the waves crashing endless possibilities and the sand full of touch and fufillment.
Like a paper weight in my mouth i dont know what to say/where to start.
This game we all play is ridiculous.
I am so horribly dissatisfied with life.
I want MORE. More fun, more fun times where we go "remember that??"
"and in that moment we were infitite"
Maybe no one is ever completely satisfied with things, but that is my goal. Ive learned now that to be happy is more than i could ask, no one is ever completely happy, life likes to twist and turn and some events turn out not so good. But If i could for one moment be satisfied with what i was doing/who i was with/where i was, i will have reached my personal nirvana.
Do you know what its like to dream? Not the fluffy white clouds and the silly little nonsense the subconcious fills your firing electrical impulses with. But the dreams that you KNOW you belong to, you just KNOW in your heart and head that thats what you were meant for, thats what you need to do. And everything else is just pointless, just a journeyman on the way to your goal. When you get so close you can taste it, and then your ripped away so awfully, it takes a piece of your heart with it. Like taking candy from a baby, doll, your crushing my hand and my heart. Stop detroying my own personal journey, just because you've let yours die. People say that you have your whole life to live, you can wait to do it all.
FUCK WAITING.
Why live a life of unfulfillment just to enjoy your life for not much longer?
If you can reach it now, why the hell not???
I hate how things are going.
Its like a bad taste in your mouth.
Can you hear your own heart beating when you fall?
a systematic rhythm of sounds collectively moving for a common goal, too bad our nation cant do the same.
our world is like aids, destroying our host and blaming everyone/thing else.
cant we imagine a world without want/fear/need/control/pain?
cape it all and call it superman, we need to be saved but we have no savior. we're lost, broken and tied in a bag, thrown in the water/set on fire/beaten to nothing. choosing a fate is like spitting in a much larger persons face, you know what the overall outcome will be but not the repercussions. break me beat me bleed me kill me. im nothing in this overall wall and your the one climbing it.
ill be your stone, your leg up, your extra life. you make me feel like a dog who has a second chance, a new family, a full bowl of food when your just used to scraps. ill smile when you dont see it, its my weapon and im fully armed and loaded. your my aggression, your my fear, your my suspicion and your my spontaneous reactions. god i couldnt feel more if i bled you. your the blood in my veins and the air in my lungs. the first look at the ocean and the last look at fear. surprise surprise, there is hope in it all. free at last, free at last. god almighty, we are free at last
Remember remember the fifth of november.
remember when your first smiled
your first breath
your first crawl
your first walk
your first frown
your first cut
your first suicide attempt
remember who you were and who you are, who you want to be
remember how it all happened, no regrets, no regrets, it made you who you are and who you are is good enough for some, and those who love you are who matter.
he'll get his own
he'll drown in his own self worth and die with my vengeance ringing in his ears and my hate and pain wrapped around his throat.
it made me who i am and i wouldnt change it for anything.
remember
remember it all
its worth a second glance and your worth the time and effort.
your worth it.
just remember
your not the scum of the earth
your worth something.
Self medication? try alcohol. drugs. free falling. all have the same adrenaline effect.
There are negative aspects to it all
but is the feeling enough?
is it?
Maybe suicide has the same effect.
never find out though
the negative lasts.
theres not enough positive in that apsect.
but it still can enthroll the heart and soul like a noose around a neck.
Self medication is in itself an own thought. You can never feel right on your own so you depend on something else to make your world a better place. who says its not right?
hate others for doing it but do it anyway and hate{love} yourself artifically. Artificial love with artificial feelings. Plastic mannequins with plastic feelings.
"fuck i cant let this kill me, let go. i need some more time to fix this problem
im talking to the ceiling
my life just lost all meaning"
what i see in the mirror is fake, i swear its fake. its not who i really am, i swear. its all fake. fake feelings. fake plastic. fake faces and fake hair. fake breasts and fake waists. make us all judge ourselves harshly, we're all fake on the inside/outside. FAKE FAKE FAKE its all a lie.
i miss everything about who and how i was and what the world meant to me.
Lets eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die...
October 26th, 2006 @ 12:00am
Feeling: overjoyed
Anger is the needle on your tongue. its the bullet in the barrel. Anger is what keeps you smirking and what keeps them quivering in the corner. anger is love, anger is a relative. anger is the smoking gun, anger is chemicals gone wrong.
dew on the grass, frost on the window, air in the sky and clouds on the ground. no smiles here today, folks. music in the background drowns out the happy and death has a close grasp. it makes the air cold, not crisp. kind of the way a child is born unwanted instead of in a happy warm home. cold eyes instead of smiling faces. This is the world you were born with/in. start out angry, smile to your mother who doesnt smile back. your father is no where and theres a needle on the table. temporary highs and tracks on her arm, is it all worth it?
being born in an angry place
with angry people
and angry eyes
anger is the bullet in the gun
and the trigger being pulled
and the regret in your head later on.
Fighting for a breathe, the air not coming and the water bearing down. kick, push, pull, reach out. your never going to find that floating godsend. you'll drown, drown in your sea of regret, pain, and anguish. your sea of past maybes and future im sorry's. your sea will be your end, and your end will consume your sea. such a contradiction on such a irrevalent plain. dont question, just float. when you start to wonder, you start to go under. keep your head above water, keep what you have, because uncertainty will drown you.
There are those who find that raft. dependant, dependant, oh so dependant. dont use that kind of language, it isnt well. either you take your chances on becoming a mermaid or you drown. mermaid-drown-dependency. which is the worst destiny??
i want to become a mermaid.
i want to smile again and mean it.
Listening to: The Getaway - Pretty Girls Make Graves
Feeling: independent
Shaking hands, hearts skipping, twisting stomachs. sometimes amazing sometimes deadly. sweat dew dropped palms and shallow breaths. keep quiet or they'll find out. they'll all find out. keep quiet.
If we only all had a small box, a river bed, a field with willow trees and butterflies to make us all feel ok. but usually we only have something less free. a cd player, a computer, a piece of paper and a pencil. and sometimes...people have less. alcohol. a needle. even a razorblade. please see exhibit A for answers on why this is.
when the body all works together for the same thing, its amazing. most of the time every inch wants something different. lets never sift through those thoughts. let them stay craving attention so it feels like a hive in your head. it has beauty. it has consistency. you can always count on it. people redicule you for never having the answers. your never good enough and your never knowing but in that same kind of fantastic hypocricy you always know, you can just never find the way to say it. and gosh doesnt it just frustrate you when people tell you to try anyway? trying to sort that out is the same as addict stopping cold turkey. its no good. dont try this at home kids.
may no one ever understand the mind.
its a beautiful thing and changing the complexity just makes it ugly.
if you dont think about it, the world is beautiful
but when you start to look more closely
its more ugly than we can even begin to imagine...
