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Come eat my conversation heart, baby. |
August 13th, 2008 @ 3:50pm |
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Day 15: all good in the hood
Alcohol consumed: few shots
Temptations: none good enough
Come out tonight, come out tonight baby girl while I still like you.
I promised myself ‘no more lines about her, no more thoughts where she’s my leading lady.’ so take heed now hunny, because this pen with your name is running dry, and these might be my last lines...with your name, your name, what’s her name?
Good, we’re already on the right track.
It went something like this a month or less ago. If she’d wake up and felt the world was fallin at her feet, I’d want to take that world and curse it for even trying to look ugly to her face. I’d take each word she said... play it over in my head untli those words were lyrics to the most beautiful song i ever heard. And it didn’t matter what she said, only that she was saying it to me and that I could even be a part of her world. And if somehow that world didn’t seem to treat her right to bring her down, I’d be ten miles below her feelin just as bad or worse. And each morning when she’d wake me with her words, I felt like nothing any man could describe. I could have flew on her “I love you’s.” I must have thought that this was the best high there could ever be, I must still be addicted.
If there was some way to take those feelings she gave me and bottle it in glass, I’d be the first to buy it and shoot it through my veins. And it’s a scary thought to think someone could have every bit as much power as you over yourself. To think “I wouldn’t die for me, but I sure as hell would die for her.”
It’s disgusting, it’s sick. my heart has overdosed.
and then enevitably, something goes wrong.
You exist no more.
But baby no fear, because I know there’s hope yet. You can’t fool me with that angry bitch act.
You love me, admit it.
I’m done with your drugs, I ‘m only here to take you in moderation. Your tears can’t fake excuses this time. PUSH me away, tell me to fuck off.(((for no reason at all,no reason at all)))
But guess where that gets you?
It gets it to here.
To nowhere with me.
|
| 464 hit(s) |
(8 comments) |
shoot this
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GIVING THE FINGER |
August 13th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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Giving the Finger 3/26/2003
What am I now? The Used keeps playing over and this guy can pull off yelling/screaming and singing at the sametime. SOmetimes I feel like yelling, but cover shit up- like most people I'm finding out say they do also. How many people hide how they really feel? Scared of things they feel,? too embarrassed to feel them? I don't give a fuck right now. Fuck you. I've got 100 more of those I've been saving in the back of my head to say to people. I'm angry I'm bitter, I'm sad, I carry a heart tearing right in half, and a life looking like shit compared to how it used to look. Looks polished and perfect from where you stand, but it's fucked in here. I don't give a fuck what you think of me. Nice guy, conceited, smart, stupid, caring, too into himself to give a fuck. I'm all of everything depending on my mood. I like you one second, next you're annoying the shit out of me and I can't stand to hear you talk. This is why somedays I have to ignore people. You wouldn't want to tip this guy anyway. I"ll bite your head off anyways. You could take it personally, who cares? Why waste your time though? Just wait a week and I'll be chill. "It's all in how you mix the two." Sometimes when you can't see- I flip you the finger. What are you gonna do when you don't know? |
| 258 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
shoot this
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PINKERTON |
August 13th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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60
PINKERTON 3/26/2003
The Pinkerton CD was always our favorite. I got your letter, you got my song. I asked you to go to the Geen Day concert, you said you never heard of them. How cool is that? And you were no half Japanese girl. I always thought Rivers had it wrong. I was in the sea of blonde hair and lost in oceans of blue eyes. Can't even look in your eyes without shakin', and I ain't fakin', I'll bring home the turkey in you bring home the bacon. So some down on the street and dance with me. But I'm tired, so tired of having sex. And I'm JELLO baby. And the CD played in my car almost every Saturday making those weekly rounds landing up wherever. But now I'm singing some different tne to another, but this time it's love. Why are you so far away from me? I need help and you're way across the sea. But what can I do? I got your birthday card, you got my song.
Wait for it, just wait for it to come. Spent Just 8 monthes erasing you from my system. It's not like you to come crawling back for a 3rd time. It's not fair to ask for my help when i'm in this position. I hate caring when this was never fair. I swore I had forgotten what it was like to be with you. I swear I don't know you anymore, I swear you're not fair.
A cringe to every touch.
Why the fuck is it like this every two monthes? Your enternal clock is going off and each time it just gets easier to forget you. I'm a dense wall feeling nothing, yet feeling it all at once. Don't ruin this, don't ruin what I have.
You were never fair.
So how can you question how your pictures have been replaced? |
| 148 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
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to rest |
August 13th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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59
to rest 3/26/2003
Just sank in what you told me yesterday. I'm about to be usefully put to rest . Just a few more moments until I'm the forgetten and the one to lose intrest in. And what can I say except this is all my fault. My faulty mind scared of nothing except for something that's nothing. I'm figuring at this time, you don't need me, I'm nothing more than a nothing. And now you are gonna figure that out. I'll try and figure out a use for my uselessness, but it's not so easy b/c you were it. Could you always really feel the same? What's about to happen? What will we think tomorrow? How's this weekend gonna be? I'm scared, such torture make my mind think every possible thought, even the one where I lose you. |
| 194 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
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Monday nights in my bed |
August 13th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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58
Monday NIghts in my bed 3/24/2003
We aren't what we were supposed to be, not what we intended to be. If you only knew how good you really are. I know is what you don't know. Turning around 'cause you turn me on. Don't avoid this don't always turn me off and away. You give so much then subject change, How's the weather up there? What's UP, if you only knew, but you on't and don't care to find out. Circles that we run in everyday, we're avoidingly good at ignoring somethings. If you only knew these thoughts I think about you. Wouldn't tell you 'cause i'm just too.. what? Embarrassed? Ashamed? I don't give a fuck, but you're like " next subject" you're always
"Eww" I"m only human in here. Naturally feeling these chemicals pumpin' through me, through my evidence of sexuality. But next subject. is this too uncomfortable for us? My past experiences aren't going away, but i think about them more latley, more and more replaced by you. I felt you tonight, if you just wanted to know. Damn you're good.
"Rather waste some time with you"
"We've fallen in love,
It was the best idea I ever had"
you want this all the time. |
| 192 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
shoot this
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dum dee dee doo wop |
August 13th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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57
dum dee dee doo wop 3/25/2003
YO homies!!!! So it was like this, and like that, and you know how it goes yo! Could Tuesday have been a little more random? NO really! Could it have been? I don't think i would have been able to take that with an ice cream cone, no but serioulsy folks. Yeah and that's just how weird today was. I'm delirious. So basically I am walking back behind the school past the living lab to get to my car. I've been waiting around awhile because I have been waiting for andy to get done getting it on with his girlfriend in her car. SO i'm pretty pissed 'cause this isn't the first time this has happened. I don't have to wait too long though.. 'cause hey! It's Andy.. know what I mean? BUt as i'm waiting for him I decided to walk over to see if sara's car is still parked or if she's there 'cause i needed to get a cd of mine back from her she had in her car. So as i'm walking over towards the living lab I hear this screaming and yelling.And i knew i knew that scream, because it's been directed at me quite a many times before. So i walk around this car and don't see anything, but yet there is still more screaming happening. So being the concerned guy i am, I decided to find out what was going down. BUt i couldn't see anyone. So i finally figured it was coming from in the living lab so i looked up this kinda hill thing where there are trees. So i see beyond these trees cait and mike. Cait is screaming and crying at him, and at that moment i could kinda sympathize with the guy thinking "man that sucks to be him, he should have known better." So at that moment I was just gonna walk away, 'cause last thing I am about to do is get in the way with caitlin and mike. NO WAY! But then I hear mike start yelling, and he's getting kinda crazy. BUt i kinda try to ignore it. So then sara comes by and i walk over to her car and point mike and cait out to her. And she says "oh yeah i heard mike had sex with her best friend or something this weekend when he told cait he was at his grandma's." So then i hear mike screaming "shut the fuck up bitch!" And that's not cool to me. BUt i'm not about to get involved, but then i looked over and he is all shaking her, then i see him push her down this hill thing. And she's screaming and crying, and i see her going back over to her. So at that moment i was like "fuck it." so i dropped my back pack with sara and ran through the living lab and over up to mike and i was holding him back and telling him to calm down. So he's trying to push me 'cause the guy hates me anyways. SO i just tell him "dude just fucking leave now, just go mike" and So FINALLY andy comes around and sara kinda fills him in on what happened so he runs up. Andy gets me to get mike to leave and then we go over to caitlin and help her up and she's a mess. I felt terrible seeing her like that, bt what am i supposed to do? All i can really do is give her a hug and tell her he's an ass and she could do better and not to worry about him. So thank god her friends came by and they took it from there. She thanked us again, then i told andy to get his shit so we could go. IT was Kind of a weird akward moment i wish i didn't have to go through, but at the sametime glad i was there to stop that fucking asshole. |
| 154 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
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3/22/03 |
August 13th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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55
3/22/03 3/22/2003
A lot has happened in the last week. I'm sure if you read this diary you know that my mom is really sick with cancer. WEll this week we were basically told that she has about a year ..maybe... to live. So you can imagine the state i'm in. |
| 191 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
shoot this
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Back AGAIN |
August 13th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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53
Back AGAIN 3/14/2003
See this guy? THIS IS A HAPPY GUY. Alia I love you. I think you should invent ali-O's so I can start my day out the right way. There just isn't enough of you in this world to go around. I'm so ready to be here everyday for you, to be there to help you get through anything. It's you and me baby and we'll show them all how we can get through anything. You're my number one girl! |
| 150 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
shoot this
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Just a guy. We don't get things. |
August 13th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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52
Just a guy. We don't get things. 3/13/2003
Explaining your explanations is turning my head inside out, but i'm outside in- putting my heart out for all to see. do you see it yet? It's got your name written all over it. ERASE, ERASE. I tried, tried so hard to try and get yor mark out of my system, but somehow it keeps lingering around. You're carved out in every inch of me that breathes. When you say "break" do you mean to break me down to pieces? Words, words, words they spill from your finger tips and wrap around me. Get this grip off of me. I can't just unclasp this or forget what I felt just yesterday for you. But I could try if it's what you really need. Wish I could feed my need, but you're gone and I'm left starving for this satisfaction which is you. I'm burning holes into my ceiling everynight when I lay in bed thinking about you. You're so good at being everywhere when you are nowhere around. I know, I try to believe you when you say "I love you, never doubt that." But what is that you're doing now? You're figuring you're life out, but I'm being figured out of it. I'm okay, I'm okay. I can take in this next breath- close- but I did it. I understand what you need, but can't have what I want. so I'll wait- FOREVER just doesn't seem too long for someone like you. I'd rather wait this like time then never be able to have you back. So how long does it really take to figure out one's life? HOw long does it take to get back on your old track? This could take monthes, translating what will feel like years to me. Forget me, forget me not. In teenage time, a month is an easy way to forget me. Just the otherday when we didn't talk, I didn't know how I would get through the day- just thinking you didn't want to talk to me. Because when you don't talk, it's easier to forget. |
| 204 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
shoot this
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Letting go |
August 13th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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Skipped 50
51
Letting Go 3/12/2003
She's breaking down. So we're..breaking up? Crack, snapple, and pop and that's just my heart being given the drop. Excuse me as I disconnect the line from my heart to your world. But wouldn't it be so much easier if I was built with an on/off switch? "you love me now, but wait until i flip this lever here." BUt i'm at such a loss because there was a glitch in the factory and i was built with a brain and a memory- 1985 edition. SO when I'm just supposed to drop it all, I can't because I'm still so drunk off your love, I got a lingering hangover that won't leave me alone. ANd this is the part where I compliment you and tell you how you make my world a better place. BUt we skip that, move on to the next part and pretend like I never said that because you hate to hear things like that about you.
"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. "
--Sam Keen
SO what do I say? Nothing. I'm good at that. It's not like I ever know to say anyways, so i'll keep my tongue tied. I know you need this, you need to not need me. I can see that being a problem, I wouldn't want to need me either, but i'm stuck in a rut and unfotunatley got stuck with..well..me. BUt look at me..I understand. you need the space, even though I actually thought there was enough distance between us. BUt you got to start putting your life back together, and i know it. I just don't want to admit it to myself. I love you and just want to see you happy and successful, and if that means letting go for now- then I guess i'll just have to let it go.
"If you love something, set it free; if it comes backs it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was."
--Richard Bach |
| 170 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
shoot this
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| Entry List |
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Come eat my conversation...
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to rest
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Just me- a lilttle rant a...
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one line
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Just a guy. We don't get...
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That girl we all knew
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POTENTIAL
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GIVING THE FINGER
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2/25/03
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i hate making up titles to...
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I WRITE stuff
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caaaa clunk
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To You
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Mixed Tape
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Monday nights in my bed
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dum dee dee doo wop
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3/22/03
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Back AGAIN
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PINKERTON
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Letting go
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Think It's Time
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If you understand this- I am...
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Better than an orgasm
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eve n chad rap
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war
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Catcher
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Dub 12
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Cinnamon Toast Crunch
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BACK ON
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AVRIL IS NOT PUNK
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FOR ALIA
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strew against bathroom floors
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last semester and i'm over...
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Is it time to get my act...
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Stupid you
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Letters n words
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feelin crappy
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yeah i'm GRRRRREAT, NEVER...
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Metastasis
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locale
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air
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MOM
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V to the Day
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every little thing she does...
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letter to cait
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let's be difficult
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My loser friend Jon
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Oh, take a look at us now.
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Now thats done.
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Fucking a bad investment
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I'm not sure.
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Follow the leader.
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My own cocoon.
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I plugged in my own table saw...
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We've got these little jobs...
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Don't stop touching me and I...
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My sexual tension cure is...
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Truth.
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its hard to know when to let...
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fiction vs non
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Driving Mr.Barker
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I'll find you when the lights...
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last night
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said it
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You burn to scar
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truth
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its not hard to fall when you...
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I wish I could put you on...
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Baby on vacation.
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I've had better battles with...
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movies and revelations in...
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Disecting the EMO boy
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hot
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you made everything look so...
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Resurrecting the dead
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A tribute to the great
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gagh!
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.The End.
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Dead CLiche
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Drinking Therapy, Talking to...
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Surprise! Here's an ulcer.
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My Space
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I'm the bluebird and your...
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WRITE on...
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About time
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THE MATCHES CD RELEASE
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Just another one
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dammit
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gettin toooo knooow yoou.
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play it long and hard
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I forgot to tell, but will...
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I swore I'd love you forever.
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this house has gotta a lot of...
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My dream would end with never...
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I could only hope one day to...
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Maybe you were just a girl.
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Oh what a beautiful day in...
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here it is not so plain and...
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sometimes things just don't...
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goodbye's
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Life changing conversations
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fuck it
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Gone to So-Cal
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My fourty ounces to freedom.
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I wish I was as cool as ice...
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The italian opera we never...
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if I was perfect, then I'm...
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Soup
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draft
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Oh but how it keeps coming.
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Another man down.. oh wait,...
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The Butterfly Effect .....
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From the boy who fell...
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The screen play of how it is...
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take that! and that, annnd...
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She can't remove her fingers...
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It's starting again, our...
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i wrote on her trunk and that...
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this is your captain...
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if only this boy had a...
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A hospital bed is the worst...
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You left here and left me...
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peace out
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Even the Emo kids have to...
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You just breathe in, just...
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writers blockade up my ass
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so what.
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It's just like the time...
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The boy who blocked his own...
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Cancer eats me as I beat...
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iHeArTuLiKeWhOa
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You wouldn't know until now,...
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The starbucks Queen loses her...
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What is art to anybody, to...
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It was never your fault i was...
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The boy goes useless again
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Ain't saying
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faded, i'm out and IN love...
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Fake Plastic Girls
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corny
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sour girl, yeah you
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I have to explain this trip
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karate chop this!
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.:-*AliA*-:.
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Oakland A's LOST, sad but true
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fuck tequilla
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Guernica
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she envokes me
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apology
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Chad rants and he raves and...
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spills
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WHAT? A new thing? CRAZZZZY...
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east vs west tonight
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biggest diss
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New Thing
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slow motion
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guys are screwed for eternity...
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pocket full of weed
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fade her out
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pounding concrete
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I'm Off
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CHAD IS THE BEST!!!
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VICTIM
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hunters
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Chinese Food
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Smell Of Sex
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say IDea
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Andy Speaks and makes ME Think
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like you
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Girl kicks Boy
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sporto
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You'll see me AND the way i...
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addicted
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on the situation
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she
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hope you're happy now
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My Clumsy Heart
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Faded
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better in the morning
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cocky ! yeah i'm feeling it...
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hard against me
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what am i talking about?
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misss me
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2 a.m.
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Today Tonight
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high-llo
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HiiiiGH, high are you?
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Hiigh, High are you?
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DRUNKEN thoughts layed to...
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That's so you
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Thats that I suppose
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LOVE MEEEEE
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peeing pants to moist boxers...
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Take nothing
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get the girl- top 10 ways
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SCrew
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edit
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old thing
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Last Song
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CORRECTION
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this all
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keep it going
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to every girl and to you
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teen love art
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You got my heart
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me alia art stuff
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poop and gumballs
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3 am and LOTS OF COFFEE
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letter cont..
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A letter to MY LOVE
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FUCK
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You wouldn't understand
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I take it Back
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All good in the hood
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Exit Scene
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FUCKED up
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ChAd'S gUrL aGaIn...
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HeY hEy!
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MAKEOUT SESSIONS
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i'm a male whore
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nakie j
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radio. lastday. sleep.
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your just another reason why
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She no like
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My Foxy Lady
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stop, i drop, then you roll
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3 a.m.
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THURSDAY
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Random Writing
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First time for this,...
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blank
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| 231 post(s) |
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