Sorry everyone for not updateing in here. After Sit crashed forever I decided I wasnt going to use it anymore. I have switched to a different blog... which shall remain undisclosed... (sorry everybody) if you want it I'll give it to you, I just dont want people I dont know reading it... so you can send me an e-mail or something, that would be super.

[Re-posted, spam was slaughtering my comment box sorry morgan, your comment is gone]

I spoke of people not wanting to be around me. I could feel the tension when I saw two of my old friends today.

"At least I belive." A slap to the face, I wish I was away from here already. These people hate me, My company is like poisen to them I am as a plague. Some say they like me and they want to be around me, but it doesnt seem like it, it seems like I am their next project, next conversion, next hopless cause. Well I was one of those people once. They are good, but I understand too much about it to have that good feeling that comes from being the victem. I just want to be left alone, I want to be hated, I want to go to that hell that everyone already belives I am Damned to.

Some have said that I have touched their lives lives in a positive way, therefore the fact that I have gone the opposite way that they have belived because of me hurts them. I didnt mean any of it, I didnt mean to try to control your life in any such matter, you make your own choices not me, so why not let me make mine?

If you want to know what I am thinking right now listen to the song "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's. I'm gunna cry. It makes me sad, and happy, it makes me alive just like she does.

I dont know why I seem so angry, I'm not angry, I love everyone, I really do, I love you all, no exceptions, even those that make me feel the worst inside, I love you. Promise.

Well my question was answered by a cold conversation and heart wrenching music. My life seems more clear now.

Sometimes I feel like a fake, as if I am not really who I am. Or maybe people dont see me for who I actually am. Or even perhaps I am trying to be someone I am not. Which one of me is the real one. Is it the happy one, or the sad one. Through the day I can keep a smile painted on my face, I can play along and please the crowd. When my dark room finally meets my night and my eyes recount sullen images in the silent dark. No tears run, just pain, not a physical pain but an egging within me like a drop of blood at a time slowely escapes my heart seeping through a pin hole.

I belive the happy me is the real one. The hurt only approches when i want it, when i want to feel pain, I want to feel the guilt of hurting those around me. I hurt them, they hate me, they all seem to drift away from me. None of the want to be around me anymore, they put forth the effort to be with me, but in their eyes they dredge my company like a bird frantically throwing the ugly song in the air. They dont want me anymore. I am not what they want for a friend anymore. Perhaps that is why I hurt, I feel guilty because I know it is my fault. I know I was the one that hurt them, that pushed them away through my selfish choice. So it all pricks my mind and each prick seems to hurt worse those needles press into me like a blade sliding accross skin.

That could be why I want to go. I dont want them to have to worry about me any longer. They dont have to worry about my godlessness any longer. They dont have to worry about my fake smiles any longer. They dont have to worry about my speachless looks that tell a story of self-loathing.

I watch the time go by every night, each minute passes and it seems as an eternity but looking back it was not even a moment. And each night these minutes grow longer and my eyes close less and less. My dreams frighten me. I dream that I have killed, if I killed I would die. If I was responsible for a death. I would die. If anyone tried to stop me from dieing then they would want me to suffer, because living through the pain of guilt, the image of this persons cold lifless face, and the despair of knowing what I had done. This person who forced me to live would be putting me through hell itself.

If I choose to die it is for good reason, I will not die to hurt, but to save from hurting. Do not try to stop me from making the choice if the time comes because you will be the one responsible for my torture and Hell.

The happy me is here still, if you want to meet that me then you will have to know me. My words only come onto paper when I have something to say. When I am happy I do not have something to say, something to complain about, I guess I could write what I am grateful for, but I suppose I am to busy living what I am grateful for to get on the computer and write some silly blog about it. Soon I suppose the sad me will all but fade away, love is comeing my way and I am anxious to see her again.

When life greets death

Let death greet life

And let the sun shine on your face

because as much as I want to belive

the void is not real

there is heaven waiting for all of us.

Why has home become such a hell for me. Is it the consant reminder of the sinner that I have become? Could it be the drama? or the constant nagging of my mother? the constant fighting of my brother.

Arizona has become such a paridise for me, a place where I can escape everything I have become part of. Escape from every mark that anyone has put on me. Arizona seems to be my second sanctuary. I wonder if Barbara would stay there with me. Or anywhere besides my home. She is my first sanctuary. With her I am free from pain and turmoil that everyone else seems to lash upon me like a harsh whip tearing my skin off my back. They dont know they do this, but they do. I want my Love, I want my hope, and I want my dream. Give me this or send me to my abyss.

My Hell comes with every drip of accusation that settles in that lets the guilt seep out and rain upon my concious. I can feel these tears soaking my body carressing it with shame. My words choke again. My body shakes again. My head throbs again. My heart chills over and blackens. Why cant my tears be blood? Why cant I just bleed from my eyes, bleed from my heart, and bleed from my very soul where my very existance remains?

Hate. It is such a strong word to be professing upon myself. But this single word seems to brand my skin with every blade that crosses my skin.

No blood has shed, not since.... why cant I press harder let the warm steel enter my flesh and greet my cold blood that rests within me. Let every drop be a tribute to that searing scar that reminds me of the burning hate I have for myself.

I cover my eyes in shame

I cover my lips from blame

I cower from touch

to spare you the cold shock

of the demon I've become

So follow my example. Hate me. And leave thy mark.

Two meanings. I can feel the music of what The Used plays, I can feel it within destroying my heart and tearing it to shreads, I know the feeling, I know the way.

I feel used, the more I think about it and the more they tell me the more I belive it. I dont want to belive it. I feel like a fool. I dont know what to do.

My insides are mush right now. #_@ blegh, but it was fun having that happen! ^_^ I went to the battle of the bands, it was very exciting, I felt like a poser though, everyone and their dog had a girl with them there.... even the girls had girls :P j/k. On the other hand, I had Loren and Daniel. ha! oh well, cool guys. I got a band shirt, its cool and really gothic.

I went and got ice cream tonight. God she gives good hugs.

I am leaving to the land of AZ soon for two weeks, I am looking forward to that, it will be a nice break from.... Cache Valley in general I guess.

Well have fun, dont do drugs, if you have sex make sure its worth it and they dont have any sti's O.<

Who ARE you!? In reguards to [anonymous (65.100.205.49)]. Just wondering cause.... I dont do things for people that wont tell me who they are.

Two choices. But I procrastinate, I cannot make them yet. One I never see, but will soon. The other I dont understand. Yet odly, I am happy right now. I have my choices but I do not have to make these choices in secret or darkness, they know everything. So there is nothing to fear. But it is frustrating none the less. I should not be questioning I should know. I should be able to choose without question without hesitation. Perhaps this means there is a third choice that is more right then all the others. But I dont want to admit it. I want to live with one of the two others.

Well anywho, now that that encripted nonsense is on there. I got a new camera, its a nice one, an expensive one. all that saveing finally paid off. I am excited, I have used it a lot and plan on using it much more.

I am going to efy, a relgious event during th summer, I had a choice. I go, or I pay for it. Its expensive. I dont know how comftorble I am going to feel there.

I am graduating this weekend, I hope to have a burn my robe party afterwords. that whould be fun.

The forum is great. www.eieiqkghasta.proboards91.com check it out. Its good stuff.

After the summer ends I will have made my decision. And then as she leaves, I will be gone as well, to the land of Arizona I go. I will be living with my sister in Pheonox and away from Utah. It will be a nice change, a nice escape, a nice begining. I hope its all I hope it to be, cause here. I am in Hell.

when words end as will I.

I cant feel anything right now.