""Imagine, if you will, getting sent to a job where a 15 year old boy is threatening suicide. You turn up at the address and discover that it is a care home. Meeting with one of his carers she hands you a list of the boy's medications and it reads like a 'Who's who' of psychiatric drugs. You talk to the boy, and he seems calm, collected and very polite. He explains that he wants to jump out of a window and kill himself, and agrees that he would like to go to hospital. You take him into the paediatric department of a local hospital. As this does not feel like the normal "Teenager wants to kill themselves" you have a chat with the children's nurse and you ask them to let you know what happens to the patient. You leave, and continue with your shift. The next day you ask the children's nurse about the patient and she tells you - "The boy wanted to die because he wants to have sex with, and kill small children - and that he knows that it is wrong".

I hate paedophiles as much as any other member of society - but in front of me that day, I saw a victim. "" - By the parramedic who picked the boy up that day.

Personaly i found this extreamly interesting. I agree with the parramedic and i too look at this young man as a victim. He knows what he is thinking is wrong and he loaths himself for it. What if he gives into his desires one day? What if he goes out, rapes a child and kills them. The world in turn will loath him and wish him dead with him.

Humans are very strange creatures. Facinating non the less.

I just feel such pitty for this young man because you cannot so easily switch off these thoughts. Now adays people have a hard enough time dealing with shizophrenia (cant spell i know) even with medication.

It just makes you think really. Its hard to know who to side with.

Yeah and btw, i know i have NOT updated this in like forever but thats because i have mark here and i have better things to amuse me now. I will proberly be keeping my journal on the laptop now anyways.

Thank you xxxxx

Current Weight: 14st 7

Oh yeah! go me!! *does a dance* woot!!!!

This is just a random entry because im chuffed with myself. Mwhahahahahaha

Mark is moving in on monday! Which is really really cool :D

Very busy at the moment!

much love xxxx

Current Weight : 14st 9

Wow! well thats surprising! Ok scales must be wrong or something but that cant be possible can it?! loosing 2 pounds in a day??? Hmm... i will double check tomorrow morning.

Im not as sore as i thought i would be! I have slightly sore calf's but thats it.

Im at work just now and i have to take calls on my own which is unbelivibly scary!!! I dont know what they are talking about half the time! I can barely understand them.

Im tired :( i want to go home!

I dont think my email at work is working either which SUCKS, so if mark if your reading this txt me to see if you can think of another way to talk.

Ok right so i am on my healthy eating track now and im deturmined to stick too it! though im feeling i might slip up at work which worries me.

Im wearing my weights and i have been excersising, not much but thats cause im uber unfit. I will work up to more (plus im very tired from staying up all night as my sleeping patterns are messed up).

So I am going to post my weight on here for all to see as i progress. People seeing it and seeing my process will give me much more motivation. I WILL loose this weight.

So!

CURRENT WEIGHT = 14st 11 pounds.

I feel like im betraying whole of woman kind by doing that lol.

Grr i excersised after eating now my tummy is all funny >.< Silly! rule number one! dont excersise after eating!!

Will keep this updated.

God i absolutly loath myself.

From my going bald head to my horrible feet.

There is NOTHING i like about myself except my eyes which show who i am but no one even knows that.

Im going to have fucking denchers before im 25. Fact.

Im going to be bald by the time im 21.

Im going to proberly be in a grave when im 30.

I cannot stand myself. I loath myself, i have no will power to stop myself from even fucking dying.

I just want to curl up in my room and wish it all away. I cant do anything, im such a failure.

AND DONT ANY OF YOU DARE SAY IM NOT.

None of you know truely how much pain this is causing me. To see your mother cry over it because there is nothing she can do to help.

I want so badly for someone to be able to make me better but there is no way, there is only me who can do it.

I cant even do it. I have tried so hard.

There is no way out.

I see no way out.

I need help

I havent updated in so very very long! Its quite crazy.

Right well...hmm...lets see...there isnt much new really.

Mark is moving up in a couple of weeks time. Im quite excited. He knows we are not rushing things though. I do not want everything rushed, he knows we are still appart and not to put pressure on me.

I am feeling very very withdrawn just now. I dont really wish to speak to many people and just want to go walking and kind of leave the world behind. Its nice when i do that.

Its dads birthday tomorrow. Havent gotten him anything cause he NEVER tells me what he wants and anything i do get him he doesnt like so if he likes anything i will buy it for him. Simple as. Same goes for fathers day.

As for the healthy thing its not working, and im really starting to loath my body. So instead of starving myself, which i have to admit i did concider it, i am going to force feed myself good food. Even if i dont like it and even if it makes me sick, im going to continue to do it untill i like it.

To my friends whom concider me a friend: In reguards to this topic PLEASE help me with it. If you see me eating junk food i want you to take it off me, no matter what i say and no matter my excuse. Drag me away from the place if you need too.

I also need help with excersise, so if anyone is willing to go walking and cycling with me AND to the gym please help.

My health is really scaring me. People see me as always happy but 99% of the time im upset or if im out and about with my fake smile on im thinking "i wont be here soon. I will miss all this and yet no matter how hard i try i cant change it" it hurts so much. I hate myself so much. I am trying so hard to change.

Change takes money.

vitamins

healthy food

gym

moneymoneymoneymoneymoney.

Someone save me.

Well the week i decide to start my cycling...it rains...and rains...and rains some more!!!

Not only that but i have been binge eating cause i have been stressed all week and then bought loads of junk food today cause im so hungover after getting trashed last night (which also didnt help)

Oh well then...

Im trying to find out how i can get the implant. Its irritating cause i have been trying to get it for months and months and i only have like 2 days left to get it which is so frustraiting!!

Doing bloody day shift next week then my shifts are all different to joe's which suck :( Im worried that i cant do it, i havent got a clue what im doing.

Had a good night last night mind you. Adam, Joe and Lisa all got stoned and trashed while i just got trashed. It was quite funny, we all had a good laugh and ended with adam falling asleep on my shoulder then on the floor lol. Ah well! Joe is so giggely when hes stoned its funny!!

We have all made plans to go to Amsterdam at some point either august or sept. I am so excited!!! I so hope we get to go :D xxxxxx

..I got the new job, I got to know new friends, I basicaly got a new life.

Now i have compleately flipped over and gone so emo its pathetic. I cant even look in the mirror at myself. Now when i have make up on SOMETIMES i think im pretty if i dont look for more than a few seconds, any longer and i start picking out imperfections in myself.

DONT message me saying "oh but your so lovely etc" i dont care if you think that (it sounds harsh but i dont) what matters is *I* dont think it.

I REALLY need to loose some weight because no matter what anyone says i am overweight and its just a fucking fact. Im not trying to get compliments i NEED to loose weight. I need to get healthy and being thin would make me so much more confident in myself.

It doesnt help the fact that i hang out with guys at work...((huh...i just realised im the only fucking girl in the whole team...the other one was late 40's and quit recently)) The guys treat me as one of the guys. So i get to hear them point out every imperfection that girls have. Dont bother telling me "all guys dont think like that". EVERYONE thinks like that. You have all done it, looked at someone and gone "omg look at her/him..." Its simple fact that everyone does it, the fact that i have been bullied all my life for my weight doesnt help at all. People used to slag me off and push me round all the time even after i finished fucking high school!

Problem is not only am I a vegitarian, i am adicted to sugar. Sugar has been proven to be as bad as herroin to try and quit and with me, it relly is that bad. I have to cause pain to myself to stop myself going and raiding the cuboards and everything (no i dont cut thats pathetic i mean just a nip or something) Or i have to get out the house.

Now because im adicted to sugar anything else that isnt junk food...i can barely put in my mouth. I automaticly hate it and it makes me gag. Im trying to work on this but its done nothing so far.

Im GOING to make myself walk for miles every morning when i finish work. I will come home, drop my bag off and go walking up the canal or something. Im thinking of doing the cycling 8 miles every morning...i used to walk it with the school and it would be such a great sense of feeling if i did that every morning.

Thats excersise sorted. The biggest hurdle though is going to be eating healhy. NO MORE CHOCOLATE, CRISPS OR ANY JUNK FOOD! none. Zip. This is going to be so hard.

It has to be done. I WILL do this.

I was walking home from work, just left joe at his house. It was only about 4:30am so it was JUST light but it was chucking down with rain. No wind, no cold just very very heavy rain and no one for miles, not even a car.

I loved it. I felt so at peace. I love the morning, it makes me feel like im the only one in the world and i dont have to worry anymore and I like the heavy rain because when your in that state of mind...the rain just washes away all your problems and lets them run down the drain.

There was a point when i was standing at the canal on the lock, just looking for miles...all it was was misty and raining...i looked up above me and there was just a bit of blue sky. The only bit of blue sky right above me, no other sign of light for miles. It was a lovely moment...I honestly felt at peace.

Im scared because i feel numb. I feel like i cant trust anyone. I feel like i cant be close to anyone anymore. I know that sounds extream but i honestly feel like i cant feel emotionaly close to anyone anymore cause im too used to being skrewed around or heartbroken. Think my body has just gone into shut down mode.

I have too many worries :(

I wish it would rain again....

...heartbroken. I had to break up with Mark because hes not who i thought he was. He doesnt stop lying to me and hes cheeted on me online alot which i have only recently found out.

I thought he was compleatly perfect but that image is shattered into a bazillion pieces :(

I dont know how i can be with him if he still lies to my face and if i cant keep a leash on him by moving in with him. That cant happen for god knows how long :(

I cant take this. I love him so much and i just am compleately lost.

I need help on what to do :(