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| These Are the Nights |
April 23, 2008 |
Listening to: Making April - These Are the Nights
Feeling: controlled
This diary is discontinued until further notice.
As far as you and I are concerned, this will be my last entry in this diary.
I appreciate all (if any) comments or constructive criticism given to me throughout the time I have kept this.
But I am off to another place, 0ne unkn0wn to everyone. So that I may be able to write without any caution to discrepancy.
Thank you for reading.
Good-bye. |
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| Number Four |
April 8, 2008 |
Listening to: Nodes of Ranvier - Number Four (Instrumental)
Feeling: compassionate
She looks in the mirror.
But the person who looks back is not her. This was not a mirror. This was a window.
She didn't like who she was looking at.
Spending days, into weeks, into months, even into years, selling herself to such extravagant proportions.
Two more steps and she will not stand for it.
She looks at this distorted reflection. She can see the pain behind those black-rimmed glasses; the tears welling up in those intense brown eyes.
All this time spent on a relationship she thought would work but it kept backfiring. Everytime like a slap to the face. Everyday, the continuous abuse and she takes it. The motive? In the name of love. This love drives her to the extreme that she's willing to take all this torment.
Concerns arise. Not from her, but from others. Everyone cares, but not enough to speak up. Not even her.
Consequences are carried. She is still stuck in this time. This is her depression. The window is open and will remain open. Her reflection: "Put on a smile girl, get out there and show them how it's done." |
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| As Soon As Beauty Dies |
March 27, 2008 |
Listening to: DieRadioDie - As Soon As Beauty Dies
Feeling: mellow
She sits. Another day, another night, another few hours wasted in front of the computer screen.
She constantly looks over her left shoulder to her parents' room to gaze upon her father's activity hoping he doesn't scold her for being on the computer too late. What she does on the computer won't benefit her in any way, but yet, she trails onward, with her clicking...scrolling...typing.
Her head is filled with the beautiful melodies of a local band that has broken up long before her discovery of them. She feels melancholy as she comtemplates upon the fact that she never saw them perform live.
A new comment on her profile. Click...scroll...type.
Another few minutes spent, for what? She has nothing better to do. She realizes that she could spend these little minutes the following day catching up on precious sleep but she's much too stubborn to leave the computer.
She gets it from her father -- the stubborn-ness. He never liked being proved wrong, as does she.
She looks over her shoulder again. Dark folds of skin illuminated by the dim light coming from the room tells her that her father is lying down watching the television. She continues...clicking...scrolling...typing.
A familiar song plays. She checks the title, but finds out that it's a different title that what she primarily knows the track as. She doesn't acknowledge it too much. And continues with her minimal mindless computized conquest.
And for a second, she just stops. No clicking...scrolling...typing.
Silence....sacred silence.
She thinks.
Looks over her left shoulder. Glances over the right. Then stares directly at the ceiling. She smiles and closes her eyes.
Directly after, she shuts down the computer.
She gets up, and walks to her room for her long-awaited sleep.
She gets in bed, pulls up the covers and shuts off the light. And once again, she finds herself staring at the ceiling. She smiles and closes her eyes as she thinks one last time.
Life is beautiful... |
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| King of Rock |
February 26, 2007 |
Listening to: Run DMC - King of Rock
Feeling: confused
Dunno what to do again.
It's been a long time.
But for a short summary, no matter what I choose, I always end up confused and lost.
Nothing can satisfy anyone right now.
It's obvious that I'm only TRUELY happy at church.
I love it there.
Daisy wants me to go be a Young Apostle with her and Jackie.
It sounds like so much fun.
I'm getting a summer job this summer to raise money for it.
I need about 300 dollars for the thing.
I think I can do it if I work hard enough.
If I don't make enough, I'm sure my parents could help out a bit.
This summer will rock.
I just hope it doesn't ruin my friendship.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Should I just let go?
I don't want to.
It'd hurt me.
But then again, so do my decisions... |
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| Until The Music Stops |
December 5, 2006 |
Listening to: Eminem - Until The Music Stops
Feeling: isolated
Dude...I'm feeling that depressed feeling again. It's not right. I thought I was all done with this depression mode. This is so 8th grade, but it keeps coming back. I feel like doing stuff again, but I can't, it won't feel the same anymore...I'm so confused.
From the attitude coming from my parents, I get the feeling that I embarass them or they're ashamed of me. I don't think I make them happy enough, and if I do, it's for not that long. I mean, I'm not talking like this because of recent events, but I've had this theory for a long time already. I've asked my mom many times if I embarass them or something, and she never answered me. I know how she thinks, she wants a daughter that's girly, gets good grades, listens to them, treats her siblings nicely, all that jazz. I'm sad to say that I'm not that girl, and I don't really want to try to be that girl. I stay up at night and cry so hard because I know I don't satisfy my parents most of time because of my stupid screw-ups. I screw up so much, I get bad grades, I talk back, I lie, what's my problem?! They don't need to punish me, I punish myself...that was basically the entire point of the cutting, although it was a release, it was also punishment. I'm still paying the price from that with these scars. But, oh, how good it felt when it happened...
I have many regrets. I haven't learned my lesson. Bad things happen to me and I brush them off and try again. Sure, I stop the really naughty things, but I don't let go of it. When I am truely guilty of something, I go to confession and confess, but I still live with the guilt, I never let go. That's my problem. There are times when I just feel like killing myself because I don't deserve to live, I don't deserve to be in God's presence, I'm not worthy of any blessing He bestows upon me. But no, I won't do it, God has been too good to me for me to end it like that...
The thought of cutting has been popping in my head more than anything else lately. I am being tempted and I don't like it. I don't want to break. I don't want to give in. I think back to when I used to do it, it was the best feeling I felt then. I have experienced better feelings but unfortunately, those feelings don't come around as often (or as easy) as cutting does. I have no other place to hide. I can't hide them anymore...sure, I always my jacket but I don't want to live with scars anymore. The ones on my biceps are enough. I can't wear a sleeveless shirt or dress without feeling comfortable because I am always reminded of my past when I see my arms.
I have to hide the depression. I can't worry anyone anymore...those days are over. I can take care of everything myself, I only hope God can help me. St. Jude, pray for me.
.:EDIT:.
Too much homework. Well, not really, I've been through worse. Finals are coming up, I better do good on my english final or else it's curtains for me. Due to recent events I'm grounded from the phone for a week. Not as bad as I expected, but I am concerned for Chloe, I'm afraid that she'll do something stupid. I have come to realize that I don't think Chris is real...or alive if he was real. No big, it's alright, Chloe's been through a lot. But yeah... |
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| Help |
December 3, 2006 |
Listening to: The Beatles - Help
Feeling: contemplative
I just don't know what to say anymore. It's just incredible how much something could take shape in the matter of just a few days. He's back...I CANNOT believe it but he's back. He has come back for her, and for her only. No I'm not upset, but there's something that just gets me that I can't stop thinking about those 2. I mean like, it's not jealousy, that is for sure...or is it? OMG, what's wrong with me???
I can't be jealous. Why would I be jealous of what they have? I mean like, I don't want to be in a relationship where all that happens that I would spend the night with a dude that I "love" and we talk, "play" around and then eventually end up having sex everytime he's sneaks through my window at night. No, that is most definately not what I want. So it's not jealousy.
Maybe that's what's getting to me. I mean, the matter that they're having sex. They're too young. They have no idea what they're doing. No, it's not "making love", to them it's something childish that they do for the pleasure and they call it "funking" instead. What the hell...? If they call it a name like that, then that pretty much proves my point of them being too young. They ARE NOT supposed to be doing that! Do they not understand that?!? I don't know about him, I have spoken to him for the first time last and he said absolutely nothing...literally. I mean, I don't know if he has a religion or anything. But as for her, she's Christian, and we have some talks about how her religion and mine and we compare and contrast. But look at her, she's sinning...the fact that they're having sex is a mortal sin and she doesn't realize that even if I keep telling her. I fear for her.
She wants me to come over to meet the guy. I actually wouldn't mind that so I could know what kind of guy he is and so I could at least know that he could take care of her in any other way other than just sexually. But then again, there's the fact that he won't talk to me because apparently he's too shy. Hah, great, another one like her. Haha, I am not shunning upon it, just frowning upon it. I wish they were both a bit more open. It would actually help me a lot.
Distance and the attitude towards her from my parents are a problem. No car, no support to get there. These are one of the times when I feel stupid for not taking driver's ed in freshman year...I coulda been driving by now. I'm suffering too much from such a silly thing. But then again, premarital sex, espescially if it's dealing with kids under 18, is NOT silly.
This could be an excellent G.A.G topic. But G.A.G is in the works of establishment right now. I don't know when exactly it would be up and running. But if and when it does, I certainly hope we could talk about this or something. I need to really really pray hard about this. I mean, gosh, I never knew how bad sex like this could get but I mean, this is just rediculous. Sometimes I just can't bare to talk to her. Because then I get reminded of them two doing things they shouldn't be doing and I can't do or say anything about it, what would it do? Nothing.
Maybe I need to just give it time. It's only been about 3 or 4 days. Maybe they will "cool off" in a month or so. If not, then this is just crazy. There will be some major strains in our friendship. And I don't want that to occur.
Well, I had hoped that this would at least relieve me or something as a drainer...just goes to show you that cutting has it's pro's and con's but let's not go there again. But yeah, I still am thinking too much. Much too much thoughts going through my mind. I need a really big distraction. Maybe that's why I haven't been talking to her as much as before, 1: because she's too "busy" and 2: because I'm trying to look for something to distract myself with so that I don't talk to her so much. Not that I don't want to but yeah...
Excuse me if you're sensitive about topics that include premarital sex but it IS an issue going on in today's youth and it is a problem. Major prayer time coming up soon....
.:EDIT:.
Today was so busy. Practice, then Ariel's house so that my parents could pick me up, then home for 10 minutes before going to church, then the store and chores and back home. Is there such thing as dying from over-stress/work? I try to eat something but whenever I do, it tastes nasty and it sorta makes me sick to my stomach. I haven't eaten today. |
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| Hate Me |
November 26, 2006 |
Listening to: Blue October - Hate Me
Feeling: pissed
I hate SitDiary. Xanga is so much better. If you don't have a xanga, I highly recommend you getting one. Because xanga doesn't SIGN OUT ON YOUR WHEN YOU MAKE YOUR LONG ENTRIES!!!
I wrote basically an encyclopedia of my life. Yes, I went into detail and it puts you through the ups and downs (mostly downs) of my life. It was pretty good and a nice drainer for me. And as I put save, it signed me out...
So yeah. In conclusion, life was good until sitdiary and I'm gone.
.:EDIT:.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, friends could be on hard mode. It could be intimidating but I chose to take the challenge. I'm not giving up on it. |
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| Justicia, Tierra y Libertad |
May 19, 2006 |
Listening to: Mana - Justicia, Tierra y Libertad
Feeling: worried
Just so you people know, this is a letter to my friend in spanish if you didn't get the subject. Before I start, I just would like to say that I have bad Spanish grammar and I'm only writing this in spanish because I think it'll be more expressive than in english. And if you do not understand it, I'm terribly sorry. It's just another one of those perks for being bi-lingual.
Queria amiga.
Yo no se que puedo hacer para cambiarte. Alomejor no te puedo cambiar. Y algunas veces yo creo que eso es algo bueno. Porque tu eres mi amiga por como tu eres y que hagas. Si algunas cosas son muy malos pero alomejor no sabes que que estas haciendo es algo malo. Te amo como una hermana pero me sustas mucho algunas veces. Te quiero decirte todo esto por el telephono o cuando te veo pero tengo miedo que vas a hacer algo que no tiene sentido. Tu eres un mujercita muy sensitivo pero es muy jovensita y tienes una vida muy grande de frente de ti. No se si sabes que este "carta" es para ti pero almejor que si. Me dejistes algo que me soprendo mucho hoy pero no soy enojada. Quiero decir que soy asustada un poco. Jaja, hay unas tiempos que hagas muchas cosas que me sustan porque tengo miedo de que vas hacer algo que te lastimes. Alomejor tengo menos fe en ti que yo digo que tengo. No me gusta eso. Pero tienes que entender que tienes que controlarte y pensar en que estas haciendo. Me das pendiente mucho del tiempo. Pues, alomejor tengo mucho miedo. Pero no te quiero perder. Eres alomejor el mas mejor amiga que yo tenia. Y como dije antes, te amo como un hermana y SIEMPRE voy quedarme aqui para ti y para me digas que anda en tus piensamentos. Y SIEMPRE voy a oirte. Cuidate.
Con mucho amor,
Pilar.
.:EDIT:.
It's my price for having a friend on "hard" mode. hehe |
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| Note To Self |
April 23, 2006 |
Listening to: From First To Last - Note To Self
Feeling: tired
Well, I made an awesome update...but my computer is stupid and didnt' save the entry. So too bad for you people. Oh well....until next time.
.:EDIT:.
Only 2 more months left for school...I'm scared... |
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| So Far Apart |
April 6, 2006 |
Listening to: Unforgiven Sin - So Far Apart
Feeling: sleepy
UPDATE! w00t! Click the link!
.:EDIT:.
Bad stuff: Spanish report due tomorrow...gotta sell those carwash presale tickets...english paper due tomorrow...must study for chemistry... Good stuff: Dad is at Camp Pendleton til Sunday...New Degrassi tomorrow...Stations of the Cross performance tomorrow...IT'S FRIDAY TOMORROW!!! |
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